Mourning the Loss [Open to Dragonriders]

The keen had come with the same heart stopping horror as always; past, present or future - B'jin knew he'd never respond to the soul wrenching sound in any other way than by his stomach clenching and his heart leaping into his throat. Memories past flashed by, dragons lost in both plague and otherwise, even as he had mentally flung himself at Larrikith, crying for the information of who - where - why! He'd received word that it was a Weyrling before anything else and for a few split seconds, B'jin's entire world had frozen, lost in the roaring sound of silence Val-! and then the saving grace; a girl, a green pair... B'jin had collapsed into a pile on the floor of his hut and cried. From the relief, from the horror, from the overwhelming fear that had coursed through him for those few moments.

He'd pulled himself together swiftly enough, flinging himself outside and atop Larrikith he'd demanded to go to wherever it was the Weyrlings were at; he needed to see the young bluerider himself. He trusted Larrikith's word, but there was a fine line between the word of his dragon and his own visual sighting and he needed that extra added security, before he could relax. The little green dragon found the group and landed. The air was thick with the shock. The Weyrlings had been practising between for over a month now; they should have been able to avoid such a tragedy. B'jin didn't care. He'd slid from his dragon and thrown himself at Valerian, clinging to the young man as he himself shook from all the overwhelming horror of the situation, thoughtless of his healing body. He feared for you, Larrikith had known, in the way dragons know, that it wasn't Valerian that had been lost but the emotion that flowed with the words for the young rider were wrapped in warmth and affection as she slipped up beside Veeth, cuddling close to the little blue.

That had been shortly after lunchtime; now, it was late into the evening and B'jin was in the Dining Hall, sitting at one of the long benches, a wine glass before him. Along both sides, and across from him, throughout the hall, other dragonriders were spread; there was very little speaking and what was was in hushed undertones: the quiet respect for a fallen comrade. R'nd had started sitting beside him, but at some point during their time there, B'jin had thrown his other leg over the bench and dragged R'nd closer to sit pressed against him, the greenrider's arm wrapped loose and low around his mate's waist while his chin was rested lightly on R'nd's shoulder. Occasionally, he'd breathe a soft puffy sigh, and place a kiss on the sulking bluerider's neck, or tighten his grip for a moment in a gentle hug; he was still flinch happy himself at being touched, but sought to make up for it by initiating the contact with the bluerider; perhaps overly so though at times like this it would certainly be overlooked. Lifting his chin from R'nd's shoulder for a moment, the greenrider tossed back the remaining contents of his mostly empty wineglass, and wrapped both arms low around R'nd's waist and pressed his forehead to the back of the younger dragonrider's neck.

R’nd had been prepared to spend the afternoon bathing Ayyonth and relaxing by the lake afterward, like usual. It didn’t work out as planned. He had barely stepped out of the hut, bag of supplies in hand, when the keening started and Ayyonth joined in. R’nd took a misstep and stumbled over to his dragon, the bag dropped and forgotten as he rushed to cover his ears against the horrible sound. It was a sound you never forgot and had nightmares about hearing again. He was no exception despite living in Benden Weyr for so short a time before the plague struck. The memories haunted him for turns and it was only when he Impressed that they truly started to ease with Ayyonth’s reassuring presence.

Then three of his classmates died over his time as a weyrling.

Most riders recalled the plague swiping through the weyrs whenever the dragons keened but R’nd remembered his classmates far more vividly and had connected and bonded with them far more than he had with riders at Benden. Wellar and blue Rayrayth had been traumatic given how early it had happened and the way it did. He mourned their loss but had hated the way the other dragonets had to be inspected to make sure none other was malformed and abnormal like Rayrayth was believed to be. Ayyonth was perfect! How dare they assume something was wrong with him?

Uglor – whom he had a friendship originally formed on unfortunate names – and blue Delemth had shocked R’nd to the core. They had some fun together and everyone was relaxed around Uglor and R’nd sometimes still found it hard to believe the man was gone. They would have had a strong friendship, he was sure of it. I’shan would have enjoyed his company as well.

Finally, when P’dok and green Pikth died, R’nd was certain he couldn’t handle another loss and started to worry his negative thoughts and fears would influence or upset Ayyonth. It had been a hard and somewhat – for him – dark time but it didn’t last nearly as long as he knew it could have and R’nd spent a lot of time apologising to Ayyonth for his mood before making more time to spend with his classmates and enjoy the time they did have together since life was so uncertain.

Every time that keen was heard, R’nd panicked, thinking of the past and worrying about the present and who they lost. He was friends with far too many riders now and even if he didn’t know them well, any loss was still felt deeply. “Who?” R’nd threw his arms around Ayyonth’s neck and refused to let go as he hugged his dear blue. “Who did we lose?” Ayyonth explained as gently as he could that it was a weyrling, Iruvia of green Unowth. R’nd was rattled and would even admit to crying a little despite only casually knowing the girl. He would admit to knowing the Candidates a bit too well and continuing to keep up acquaintances with those that Impressed but Iruvia seemed to keep to herself more than anything and he, a master of remembering names and faces, could only just barely put a face to the name in her case.

R’nd crumpled to the ground, too worked up to continue standing. He was living in the past as well as fighting off the relief that it wasn’t B’jin or I’shan or V’zire or anyone he was rather close to. Ayyonth moved just enough to curl around his human without disturbing R’nd’s grasp to his neck that he refused to let go of and they sat there quietly together for quite some time.

After some point, R’nd couldn’t recall when or who noticed first but B’jin and Larrikith appeared and soon after his cuddling switched partners, they decided to move to the Dining Hall to get a drink and join others that were bound to be there mourning a fallen comrade.

R’nd continued to sit mostly in silence, answering questions and the occasional small talk from others nearby but he was content to simply drink his wine and let B’jin cozy up to him as needed. In truth, he needed it as well and would let his hand rest atop B’jin’s or steal a small kiss whenever his mood waned and he started thinking about how easy it was to lose someone. Only when B’jin clung to him with both arms and rested against his back did the bluerider do his best to snap out of his misery and relax under B’jin’s touch. He ran his fingers over his lover’s hands, suddenly feeling fidgety but held off on actually going anywhere – not that he knew where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do – for a bit longer.

Finally, spotting both of their wine glasses were empty, R’nd offered to remedy that. “Would you like another glass? I need another,” he almost felt ashamed admitting that, his voice soft as he did so. It wasn’t likely he would drink until he passed out but at least one more glass would help soothe the last of his frazzled nerves.

He had taken to counting to three during their practices of going between just out of some silly reassurance that everyone else was and they knew what they were doing. To Valerian, it was almost a way to keep focused as well. He held the image in his mind and tapped a finger on his riding straps to keep the timing. It worked, it always worked!

Why hadn’t it worked this time?

He counted to four and Unowth and her rider still hadn’t appeared. By the time he reached six, the dragons knew for certain that they had lost one of their own. It was a sound he had never wanted to hear from Veeth and it was a full body trembling he never wanted to feel that wracked his body as reality crashed around him. Not only had he lost a classmate but he had watched them go to their death without thinking it was about to happen.

All around him he heard people sobbing and crying, the sounds mingling with the dragons’ keen. Slowly, the noise drifted away and everything seemed so far and growing more and more distant as Valerian stared at the spot where the greenpair had made their jump between. Still a bit in denial, his gaze drifted to the area they were practising the jumps to, hoping they went somewhere else instead and would be back. Dragons were never wrong, he knew that! But there had to be an exception, right? There was always an exception!

If there was, it wasn’t today.

Suddenly he was hit by, Valerian wasn’t sure but he thought it was B’jin pulling him into a tight hug. It was hard to say who was trembling more, for surely it wasn’t only him vibrating enough to rock them both, and Valerian wondered why he was thinking of such odd things as he continued to stare at the space that was still empty of a greenpair. “I don’t know her name. Unowth’s rider. I don’t know her name and now… now she’s…” He was crying. Valerian was vaguely aware of that fact as he spoke in a hushed tone that was still devoid of any emotion thanks to the shock he was still in. He hadn’t moved since B’jin grabbed him and not even Larrikith’s presence near him physically and in his mind was helping right then. As with the crying, Valerian realised he also appreciated the concern and how much B’jin cared for him. They had an odd friendship to say the least but he really did like the older man and enjoyed his company and was glad he meant something in return as well.

Finally, with the emotions of losing a classmate, the reality it could have been Veeth and him, and knowing how much someone cared for him got the best of him and Valerian started sobbing with hiccups as he tried to catch his breath. Veeth was pressed up against Larrikith’s side, seeking his own comfort though he naturally wanted to ease Valerian’s pain first and foremost but he didn’t know how. He let B’jin try though because he was a good friend to them and seemed to know everything.

When he felt B’jin pulling away at some point – what was the point of counting and keeping track of the time now? – Valerian quickly wrapped his arms around the greenrider’s waist and held on tight, and now quietly cried against his chest. It didn’t last long and not because of embarrassment but he knew he was being selfish. B’jin would be in pain as well and R’nd would be the obvious person to help soothe his pain just as that brief embrace and show of concern had helped Valerian for now.

Class was obviously dismissed after that and while they had the option to stay and talk and seek some immediate counselling, Valerian and Veeth opted to take off with a slow glide back to their hut where they spent a little time together before Valerian went inside to mourn in private.

When Veeth nudged him later on that riders were getting together in the Dining Hall, Valerian didn’t care, but the blue wasn’t having any of that. You should go. They will all understand the pain you’re in as well. You should be with other people right now. Please don’t hide away. He already had a hard time saying no to his dragon and even in his misery, the young Harper knew Veeth had a point so he changed out of riding clothes he didn’t have the strength to remove earlier and headed to the impromptu gathering.

As soon as he walked into the room, the sombre feeling hit him as hard as if it was a humid day with the air so thick you couldn’t breathe. A quick glance around the room showed several people he knew well enough to call friends, including B’jin though he was currently clinging to R’nd and Valerian couldn’t bring himself to interrupt their time together tonight. In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to sit with others, drinking to forget the pain and making small talk or sitting in silence. He liked the silence idea but he could do it alone. He had to do it alone. Valerian hated to admit it but he was still a bit emotionally unstable and didn’t want to be around anyone tonight.

Tomorrow. He’d be better tomorrow.

“I’m sorry, Veeth. I can’t. Not yet.” Still shaken up, Valerian didn’t even notice he was speaking aloud instead of privately with Veeth as he turned on his heel and slipped back outside. If anyone saw him, he didn’t see the acknowledgement or hear a call for him.

He didn’t even remember the girl’s name. She had never made an impression on him or been important enough to remember. Yet, while that did bother him a bit, it wasn’t what truly had him shaken to the core.

It could have been them. They could have lost the image and never returned from between. How could they go back to practising knowing firsthand the dangers?

Unowth is -- Charath was going to say late, but she felt like something was distinctly wrong in those seconds it took to relay that message to her bonded's mind. The pair had just landed after coming out of between themselves. Another Weyrling pair had appeared, and Unowth and Iruvia should have followed them. For a moment, Erisi was unconcerned as Charath's concern only grew. They would show up. Iruvia was even more unremarkable in classes than Erisi, but she would show up.

He knew the dangers of between, but that did not mean he thought it would happen to him or anyone else that he was familiar with. 'Charath?' he questioned his Green as he felt her tremble. The dragons began to keen, Charath joined them out of respect and a small amount of grief for the pair. She had not particularly liked Unowth - but that was her sister.

A wave of shock seemed to strike through the Weyrlings. Some broke down into tears, others looked horrified by the realization that they had just lost a classmate. Erisi was shocked, and just a little scared. He stared up at the sky, expecting the pair to show up even as a minute passed. They couldn't just die like that. They were alive and well just a minute ago, being their usual bland and uninteresting selves! 'Where are they?' he questioned Charath again, though he really did know the answer. It just didn't seem... possible.

Gone.

The Green Weyrling was pale with shock. The loss of the pair had been unexpected. Everyone had been doing well enough in these lessons, everyone should have gotten the hang of it by now! He remained in his riding straps, a hand resting against Charath's neck in a gesture of comfort only his dragon ever received. He felt detached from the situation, like it was happening around him but he couldn't interact with it. He couldn't change it, and nor could he feel such intense emotions as some of his classmates.

It was the loss that stunned him, not who they had lost. If it had been a classmate he valued, like Valerian, then it would have been a whole different story. He would have looked like a completely different man than he was now.

They departed back to their hut as soon as they were dismissed, and for a while they let an almost somber silence hang over them. That could have been you. Charath's tone was filled with an uncharacteristic amount of concern. How many times today did I have to remind you to pay attention? It was more likely that it'd be us than them to get lost. She spoke with an urgency she felt the situation required. Erisi naturally slacked off in classes because while he loved Charath, he was not thrilled with the idea of being a dragonrider pawn. He did enough to keep himself out of trouble (usually), but most of the time let Charath pay attention to the class for them both.

'Not now, Charath.' He was irritable and tired, and he didn't need his green chastising him all evening.

Yes now. Because if it's later, and if you do not listen to me we will be gone too. Charath was a smart dragon, but she suspected even a stupid dragon would know that to slack off now meant risking getting stuck between. If we're not careful, if we're not prepared, we will regret it. I am doing my best, and your effort is always just a little more than half of what you can do. I will not put up with it. I will make you miserable. I will prank you every day, and then I will ask Larrikith to prank you as well. Charath was fed up with her bonded's behavior, and she felt like now was the best time to knock some sense into his head. With the loss fresh on his mind, clearly he would see reason?

'I am not fucking putting up with you right now.' The reply drew a surprise snort out of the Green. Well, she wouldn't love Erisi if he wasn't difficult. But, there was a time when the line needed to be drawn, and her bonded was evading everything she was saying to him. 'I'm going to dinner. I really don't want to hear this right now, Charath. I'd rather spend the night sleeping with some fat bastard than listen to you scold me for not being perfect.'

When Erisi walked briskly from the hut, Charath decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. Veeth. Talk to Erisi for me. Whenever you can would be nice. She suspected the Blue was composed enough by now, and while she had a personal distaste for him... Well, she planned to ask every dragon she could bear losing some dignity against to try and talk some sense into her bonded. He is not listening to me, so maybe he will listen to you since he can't talk back at you. Also, don't bother Valerian with this. Valerian had been visually upset by the loss, and Charath wouldn't disrupt his grieving period just to help her handle a particularly difficult Green Weyrling.

Erisi dealt with loss differently. Grief was a hard emotion for him to turn towards. Anger and arguing were better outlets for the Weyrling. He was not particularly saddened by the loss of the Green Pair, but it still upset him. The walk to the dining hall helped him to calm down, so at least when he eventually entered the dining hall he didn't look like a wreck unlike some of his fellow classmates. Some people would probably be insulted by Erisi's lack of emotion over the deaths, but most people were probably too wrapped up in their own worlds to notice him.

However, he was not too wrapped up in himself not to notice others. As he was about to walk into the dining hall, Valerian was walking out. It was easy to tell that his friend was still upset, but Erisi wasn't usually the kind of person someone wanted reaching out to them. He could be tactless and impersonal. Someone like Talian was probably far better suited to comforting... "Hey, are you okay?" So why was he even trying? His tone was a little flat, which was likely one of the only indications that he felt something after Iruvia and Unowth's death.

Erisi! Charath hissed at her bonded. Don't bother Valerian. She knew just as well as Erisi did that he was not the right person to comfort Valerian.

Erisi was almost ignored like everyone else when Valerian tried to make his escape; something he almost managed as well with how close he was to Veeth! But this was Erisi, one of his friends since arriving at Katila and they had gone through far too much to simply breeze by the man without so much as a greeting or pause to say he’d explain later. So while he managed to pause and take in his friend’s appearance, noticing the green weyrling was a bit more miserable than usual but not nearly as distraught, Valerian knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t explain what was bothering him. He knew as well as Erisi and Charath did that the other Harper wasn’t into the whole emotions and talking thing. “Nothing some sleep can’t fix.” He offered with a crooked smile to help reassure Erisi before climbing up onto Veeth’s back.

Veeth let Valerian’s spin on the truth slide as he focused on Erisi. He had heard Charath’s call earlier to help her rider out but he hadn’t reacted right then for the exact reason she suspected. Now, even without her oddly kind words of asking for assistance still fresh in his mind, the little blue he could spare some love and attention for another man that still so clearly needed it. He was attracted to Erisi because he was rather similar to Valerian but he really wanted to see the green weyrling smile and laugh more often. There wasn’t a need to be so grumpy all of the time! Tonight, of course, was an exception and Veeth didn’t plan on making Erisi giggle and have them both come across as insensitive to the situation.

He inched a little closer to Erisi and lowered his head to bump it lightly against one shoulder as he gently reached out to Erisi’s mind, his high lilting voice as soft as it always was, Valerian will be okay soon, please don’t worry about him. But you will stay safe, right? Valerian and I would devastated if we lost you. Perhaps it was a little underhanded to use the friendship the boys shared as a reason for Erisi to stay awake in class and pay attention a bit more in higher risk training but Veeth was willing to ease his way into that method of handling Erisi if need be.

I hope we can nap together again soon as well. You have such wonderful stories! Veeth crooned with a quick nuzzling of his head to Erisi’s chest, knowing that the man wasn’t overly fond of such sentimental gestures but wanting to get the point across that he was important to them. Valerian gave an odd look to Veeth and then shrugged at Erisi, in the dark about what had been said. He gave a small wave in farewell and Veeth backed away to give themselves space to take off. He didn’t wait for Erisi to reply, figuring a little time to think through the day’s events and what had been said was in order but he suspected there would be a napping date with the green weyrling soon.

"Please," B'jin murmured softly, reluctantly releasing R'nd from the arms wrapped casually around the younger man's waist, his fingers lingering on his hips as he withdrew. A gentle and affectionate kiss was placed on the side of R'nd's neck, the greenrider gently brushing hair aside with light fingers that refused to stop the gentle and affectionate touches, B'jin desperate for the reassurance of the bluerider's company but unwilling to be overly clingy for fear of R'nd deciding he wanted to be alone. B'jin knew if he were left to his own devices several cups of wine would be the least of his worries.

M'ram's ghost shadowed him; Namndith's desperate exhaustion filled him. Larrikith had never keened for the woman and her children - his nieces! - and her dragon, when they had been lost on the journey across the ocean. There simply hadn't been the breath to spare, not if they themselves wanted to survive. B'jin shuddered slightly, dropping his chin onto his chest and ignoring the quiet murmuring of those around him. The names of the past were thick on the lips of many, but the greenrider couldn't bring himself to vocalise for the ghost of his sister, her blonde hair and huge blue eyes staring at him accusingly. So like his precious little daughter!

The skin across B'jin's shoulders crawled, and the greenrider lifted his head, features haunted with the deaths - past and present - and he cut his eyes away from the ghost of his baby sister, refusing to acknowledge her presence. He had never properly mourned her, though he'd often drunk himself into oblivion at approximately the same time each year, remembering her loss, and trying so valiantly not to, until he was sunk so deeply in alcohol it took him days to be able to walk straight again. The desire to do so was almost overwhelming, to drown himself until he couldn't remember anything any more. Nothing was worth remembering, surely, when there were deaths filling the air and the ringing of keening still vibrating in his ears.

The greenrider stood up abruptly, stepping lightly over the bench and walking down the length of the table without really seeing anything or anyone - except the two bottles full of wine he swiped, holding them delicately by the neck in one hand he slipped around the edge of the table and wove his way toward the doorway; "Excuse me." He didn't bother to see who it was he'd bumped into when he reached the door, gaze locked on the ground, intent on getting away.

He won't object if you join him, Larrikith whispered gently to R'nd, wary of the bluerider feeling abandoned by B'jin's abrupt exit. It would be best if he is not alone, he is going to drink too much. While she sounded unhappy, she wasn't overly concerned; B'jin drank himself into a stupor far more regularly than she believed any of his friends were aware.

R’nd had been almost reluctant to leave B’jin’s side even when he agreed more wine was needed. They needed each other’s comfort right then and it was clear the contact was welcomed on both ends and viewed as some sort of life line. They were anchoring each other in the present, not letting the other sink too deeply into the past that could so easily haunt anyone within the boundaries of Katila and mess with their minds for hours or days on end. But go he still need, giving a light squeeze of hand before going on, a silent promise he would only be a minute. He needed the alcohol clouding his mind and while he was trying not to chug it back and get utterly plastered like he had before, R’nd still couldn’t tell himself when enough was enough just yet.

When the glasses were filled and he turned around to return to B’jin, a frown quickly overtook his features as the spot they were sitting at was now empty. Gray eyes quickly scanned the room, thinking perhaps B’jin went to see a friend or get something to eat – since neither of them had seemed too interested in food earlier – and finally spotted the greenrider heading for the exit with two bottles in hand. Larrikith’s gentle brush against his mind wasn’t as startling as it had been the first couple of times she had done it and it was well-timed now since the bluerider wasn’t sure if he was supposed to follow or intervene in any way. He nodded, knowing it was rather useless since Larrikith couldn’t see him but he was sure Ayyonth would pass along his intentions as the two glasses of wine were dropped off for a couple of riders he got along with before rushing after his hurting friend.

R’nd was worried about B’jin, enough so that his own pain from memories that wouldn’t fade was forgotten. He wanted to know more about what haunted the greenrider and wished he could help ease the pain but was still afraid to ask any direct questions that would spook the older man and leave him shutting down entirely. He had come too close to doing that several times already during their friendship and R’nd decided his quiet presence would be enough for now and B’jin would share when he wanted, if he wanted.

When he caught up to B’jin, R’nd whispered the man’s name solely to announce his presence before taking the bottles in one hand and sliding his available arm around B’jin’s waist as they continued to walk. “My place will be quieter,” that was actually debatable given some of his friends and while he had Benden, B’jin’s children were far more likely to come by and his lover would either be upset that he wasn’t in any shape to see them or try to see them regardless, masking his pain and feigning sobriety for them. Ayyonth and Larrikith would keep visitors away for them but it’d be easier to turn away his friends than B’jin’s family. He also knew where a few more bottles of alcohol were stashed away in his own hut and would share it if it felt necessary.

A kiss to B’jin’s temple was given, another silent promise that he was there for the greenrider before continuing to guide them away from the Dining Hall.