Unneeded Complications [Jazira]

I'shan? Don't be this way

I am NOT talking to you right now

Ilveriath sighed and withdrew from his rider's mind, realizing that his efforts weren't going to take him very far. I'shan had made up his mind to be angry. The blue felt bad over the whole aiffair; it was his fault, after all. He expected I'shan to vocally complain about the flight, but he hadn't expected him to put up this much of a fuss.

How did you not?! Par'a is my FRIEND, and now N'gelt is going to kill me. He's going to kill me DEAD, Ilv! the little bluerider fired back. He'd been paying closer attention to Ilveriath's feelings than the dragon had given him credit for. That was getting more and more common since the fight with N'gelt had finally been resolved, which was pleasing for Ilveriath, but also led to unexpected situations like this.

I truly am sorry. I should have restrained myself the blue said, his apology sincere and his words heavy. It pained him that he'd upset his rider so badly.

I'shan sighed and swished his klah around in it's mug. It was late. The dining hall are empty and mostly dark aside from I'shan and his single glow, his mug of cold klah. The only sound came from his foot tapping irritably on the floor. No... he finally conceded. It's not fair of me to hold you back..you'd been alone for a long time because you were being considerate of me and N'gelt. I can't expect you to do it forever he said, grudgingly acknowledging his own childishness over the situation.

That didn't change the fact that he'd slept with a woman. Gross! And a good friend at that. Would he ever be able to look her in the eye again? What if she got pregnant? I'shan had a hard enough time avoiding the mothers of his other two children! And N'gelt...N'gelt was likely to throw a fit over it.

I will take the blame Ilveriath purred lovingly. And Par'a will not forsake you over this, though perhaps you should apologize for all the crying. You were not complaining during the flight...

I'shan blushed a little. That was undeniably true; while he'd never, ever willingly sleep with a woman outside of flight, being wrapped with Par'a during dragonlust had been unexpectedly amazing. That little fact only made him more angry, though! He couldn't fathom how it had been so amazing. Dragons did strange things to the brain.

He sighed and took another long drink. It wasn't alcoholic, at least. He'd learned his lesson about that. Besides, it wasn't really all bad. I'shan knew he was being pretty dramatic about it, but shards. It made him feel better. Wasn't that all that mattered?

Jazz stretched delicately, rolling his shoulders feeling the familiar crunch of her joints then the faint sense of relief easing along her shoulders. Hmm, Klah right now seemed like a good idea. With a glow basket in hand, she wandered into the dining hall only to spot the one person in the whole weyr who she could actually talk with. Noting the tapping coming from him and the mug in front, she figured it wouldn't hurt to join him. Plus news travelled fast as she was pretty sure that I'shan was only after N'gelt. Grabbing a fresh mug of klah, she padded over to him, the faint contentedness from having been jumped all over by an interested male still lingered in her senses. Actually on second thoughts, she'd best grab him another mug of klah, he seemed like he needed someone there. So she may as well use her healer skills with him. Going over slowly, she placed the other mug in front of him and nudged a chair with her foot so she could sit down.

She remained quiet, sipping her drink, dark green eyes watching him, studying him as he twitched as the expressions flew over his face.

"Hey I'shan. Whats got your riding leathers in a bunch?" So much for a good bedside manner. Ah, it didn't really matter. I'shan had put up her being bitchy as a wherry in heat, so the least she could do was be an ear for him. With her leg still heavily bandaged up, she was meant to be resting... but to the red star with that! She was too active to rest up, plus with that green taking flight, she had an itch that needed scratching and some random man by the name of M'bal had scratched the itch very well. So now, with a new lease of energy and tiredness, she had come to the dining hall. Also, she had found that her first experience, that sex apparently made her really hungry as well. Although I'shan played a perfect distraction to stop her from stuffing her face. A twitch of her nose alerted her to the faint scent of bubbly pies and she turned from him, spotting the last two resting on the plate near the front. With a single finger raised to signal for him to give her a moment, she hobbled at speed towards the table, grabbing the plate and hobbling back at speed and placing the plate down in front of them. she snatched a pie off the plate and almost instantly a large bite was taken, the red berry juices dribbling from the corner of her mouth as she chewed with the ferocity of lust driven queen before a quick sweep of her hand cleared up the juice and she licked it from her palm before attacking the pie again. It took her mere moments to finish off the pie and with a hearty belch which sounded more like it should have come from a man rather than her dainty frame, she leaned back in her chair.

"Do you like... need a hug or something? As a friend like." Jazz said, tilting her head slightly to the left as she regarded him with something eerily similar to concern.

I'shan was so drawn in by his dialogue with Ilveriath (who, remember, he isn't talking to right now) that he didn't notice Jazira's approach. He flinched lightly, half expected to get driven into the ground by N'gelt, but was relieved when he turned his head to see  Jazira instead.

"Oh, hi," he said softly, his usually enthusiastic voice oddly smooth and mellow. He smiled at her, lacking in it;s normal spirit but not in sincerity, before happily accepting the new mug of klah. The old one was too cold to drink anyhow.

"I'm okay," he said, taking a slow sip before pushing the mug away a little bit and resting both elbows on the table. He let out a soft laugh that could only be described as a giggle at her belch. Haha, she's as good at that as I am he thought with approval. After a moment of hesitation, he accepted the offer for a hug. He snaked one arm around her and gave her one good, firm squeeze. "I'm okay."

Has she heard?

Has anyone not heard?

I'shan's stomach turned a flip.

"I'm just worried my Weyrmate will be angry with me," he mumbled, figuring he may as well come clean about his gloomy attitude. It wasn't fair to sit there and act dramatic, only to refuse to actually talk about it. "Thanks for asking, though," he continued, eyes darting down to her leg. "Is that feeling any better?" he inquired.The wound looked awfully nasty at their first encounter, but I'shan didn't know the first thing about medicine and didn't have a strong stomach when it came to wounds. Everything looked catastrophic to him, even he knew that.

Her expression dropped at his less than enthusiastic tone and somewhat lacking smile. With his remark of being okay, she all but snorted at him-then wrapped her arms around him like a mother attempting to cuddle her taller child.

"I'm not stupid I'shan. anyone can see you are not okay." She uttered softly with a soft smile, falling silent as he explained. Wrapping her arm around his middle once more, she gave him a good firm squeeze, mainly for comfort but also as a silent gesture of understanding.

"Well from what I heard, when flights come into it, there is no reasoning, no real thought or logic attached." She stated, in a matter of fact tone. Hoping he'd understand why she had used the tone. Before releasing him and cradling her mug in her hands, pausing only to take a sip of it. "In fairness, everyone and his mother knows you're not into women. So in honesty, I don't think N'get can logically hold it against you. And if he does, well he's a dick." She added, her voice flattening out as she cast a side glance at him. "You're a friend. How can you not expect to ask of your well being. Plus you had that stomped puppy look about you. I doubt anyone could have ignored you." She added on with a chuckle, the humour light in her voice before she reached up and ruffles in his hair in a slightly playful manner.

"It's healing, although I reckon today's activities have set my healing time back by about a sevenday." She just gave a right dirty grin that held a hint of smugness and contentment. I'shan wasn't the only one getting action. Grabbing her leg, she lifted it up and moved to bandages to show the leg so he could see the improvement. The bruising having turned from a blue black purple to a yellowing green and the swelling was practically non existent. "It's not as bad as some of the breaks I've seen though. There was this one guy who fell off a cliff side, shatter his ankle bone. We have to take it off cause the break was that bad. Seriously, you poked his ankle and it ended up looking like a pin cushion. It took ages to remove all the splinters and we weren't even sure if we got 'em all." She rambled, shuddering violently as her skin blanched slightly, remebering that injury clearly, even today it made her shudder and feel ill. And that was a good 4 turns ago.

I'shan loosened up a bit at the tightening hug. He smiled again and hugged her a second time, this time using both arms and acting considerably less nervous. "You're right. It's far from the first one, too..Ilv is pretty quick, so I've wound up next to all kinds of people," the bluerider said. I'shan was both a gossip and a chatterbox, so any semblance of secret-keeping or personal boundaries was quickly shattered. He'd even jumped to tell B'jin about his first encounter with N'gelt, even though that incident probably definable as rape. I'shan didn't really think so, but as usual, his adventurous side had overrun his sensible side. He was quite the idiot when it came to such things.

"...It's just that it's Par'a. We're friends, and it's...awkward," he said with a defined pout. "And I really, really don't want any more flight kids." He'd never mentioned his 'flight kids' to Jazira before, but most everyone around him knew they existed, so he assumed she did as well. He didn't ever talk about them, though. Shards, he was lucky if he could remember their names half the time. The girl was partially named after his mother, wasn't she? Shelli..dra? Shellian? No, that wasn't right! It was Ishana!

Man, maybe he needed to reconnect a little.

He frowned a little bit. "...Shells, what would we name it? Par'a is older though, so maybe I'll get lucky..." he mumbled. I'shan was a classic example of the dragonrider father who took no interest whatsoever in his flightspawn. At least the mothers of the other two hated him and had no desire to chase him down! They were as happy with the split as he was, and he had no intention of complaining over that.

Wait, did N'gelt know about the kids? Shards!

I'shan took a quick gulp of klah (for he had no wine) and let out a belch of his own, surprisingly loud from such a small-framed man. "I don't even want to think about it," he said. He arched a brow at the wound again and made a face at her description of the injury. "...Worst injury I've ever seen was on Ilv back during the plague turns. We got attacked by felines and he fought 'em off...that's where he got those scars on his shoulder and neck."

That had been rightfully terrifying. I'shan could still remember trying fretfully to patch those cuts up and nurse his dragon back to health. How horrible it would have been, to survive the plague only to die like that.

Jazz just giggled at his mention of being next to a lot of people. Jazz just hugged as he explained the situation with Par'a.

"I'm sure Par'a won't make it awkward. I mean she's your friend right, not to mention I'm sure a healer can help her if she doesn't want any kids yet." Jazz said softly, smiling weakly at his pout. Jazz heard his words and felt her stomach drop. She was just went silent, her blood felt cold in her veins. He... didn't even want his kids? She physically blanched feeling her hands tighten up into balls of flesh and bone. It physically took every ounce energy and willpower she had not to  hit him or storm off in a fit of rage.

"Why don't you see them?" Jazz managed to speak, her voice trembling and tight as she struggled to contain the now raging emotions. Her hands flexing from fists before she forced them flat. His words struck a little too close to home. She forced her arms to rest in her lap as the rage attempted to tear out of her.

"You don't know Par'a," he said simply, thought with a bit of humor. He imagined she would make fun of him forever. "But you're right...she won't mean anything by it, at least. Dragpnriders have to learn pretty quick not to let flights stand in the way of anything." Well, they were supposed to. It didn't mean some of them didn't.

The next part came as a shock. I'shan turned towards her, face torn in confusion as he listened to her sharp words. He could see the anger in the girl, trembling and stirring just beneath the surface. And he hadn't even done anything?

I..never said I don't see the kids. Did I?

Not out loud

I'shan frowned. He had no idea how Jazira had gleaned such personal information from 'I don't want any more flightkids', but it was disturbing how close it was to true. He inched away subconsciously and was immediately aware of him guilt playing around in the back of his mind. Jazira was probably guessing or commenting based on rumors, but that didn't mean it was wrong.

He almost never saw them. If ever. And it was intentional.

He looked down and sighed. "I'm not sure how you know that," he mumbled, "but, lots of reasons." What was he supposed to say? I hate children and responsibility? I never wanted them, they're their mothers problems now? Neither was 100% correct, but that's how anything he said was going to sound. Close enough in any case.

He rubbed his temples for a moment. "...I didn't even know one of them existed for three turns. The mother still named her after me, though. The mom hates me, I kind of think naming the child after me was something of a....stab at me," he said. He shook his head a little. "I only found out about her last turn. The other one is a little older...his mom and I just...agreed to not talk anymore. I'm not really sure if he even knows I'm his dad or not," he said.  He shrugged weakly. "We're not 100% sure, actually. It's just a...probably thing."

He wanted to go on and explain why he felt the way he did about children. It would be fair to Jazira for sure, but he rarely shared it with anyone.

How did one go about expressing views like that? I'shan had been raised by a single mother who loved him more than anything else in the world. I'shan didn't think men were fit to even go dear children, much less be a part of their lives. He didn't see any value to having a father figure, or being one. The mom was all that mattered. I'shan figured he would probably just screw up.

Ilveriath was much more aware of I'shan's skewed views than the bluerider himself was. I'shan, dear Ilveriath said lightly. In a mischievous mood, he decided to leave his words open for Jazira as well. Perhaps if she caught a bit of inside information, she would better understand. There are some that call these feelings 'mommy issues'. You have them.

""I heard rumours... but I thought you liked being a father. You're fun loving, perfect playmate material." Jazz managed to speak, her words slow, clearfully thinking each word  before speaking, swallowing thickly to try and hold the anger back. His words... his explanation, it burnt her deeply but rather than blowing a fuse, she leaned into him burying her face into his shoulder and just listened.

"Sorry... it's a sore subject." she uttered, the anger still flickering beneath the surface, her vicious temper still threatening to break through but for now she managed to hold it back.

"My father... he never bothered... instead he... made himself useless. Taking my.. mother to bed when he pleased. I was the last child she was able to conceive. A child needs a father... they need a parental playmate... without it.. something ends up missing. You feel... lost." she uttered softly, figuring she should tell him as she mentioned it being a sensitive subject. Keeping her forehead against his shoulder, she drew silent comfort from him. If anything she knew she wasn't all that stable, her temper, her family and emotional issues but some how, with a friendly face that didn't run away screaming when she snapped or hide in a corner when she jumped to conclusions. Maybe...just maybe they will help each other.

"I also have daddy issues. Who knows... maybe I can help solve his mommy issues, even if it is only a little." she thought, figuring that as Ilveriath had listened to her before, even spoken a little bit to her, that he'd get this as well.

He was relieved when she chose to lean into him rather than yell. If she had decided to yell, I'shan wasn't sure if he could deal with it. The playful bluerider was all claws some days, but over a delicate personal issue like this where someone he liked was actually angry with him, he likely to overreact, or perhaps just cry. He grimaced at the thought and wrapped her in a gentle big-brotherly hug.

"Rumors, huh? Yeah, I guess everyone knows about them. Their names are Ishadhe and Ishana," he said.  His tone warmed up just a hair as he spoke about them. Not that he knew the first thing about either; he'd only seem them a couple times, mostly just when he ran in to the mothers or had to make emergency visits. The older one didn't even know I'shan was his father, just a 'friend' of the mother.

He'd never thought about it the way Jazira had put it, though. Playful? Fun loving? Heh...

He listened to her story and frowned. "That's awful," he said, his tone sinking low and falling into a whisper. He'd heard of relationships like that, but he'd been sheltered from them for most of his life. He sighed a little bit and rubbed her back with one hand. In spite of his clash with N'gelt over dancing with another man, he still found it hard to break his habit of being touchy with friends.

A child needed a father? That was a new one, though by looking at Jazira, he could sure tell that she'd missed out. He frowned again, once more feeling a stab of guilt.

"...I didn't have a father at all," he confessed, his tone still hollow and solemn. "My mother was a traveling harper and well, she didn't let anything hold her back. She knew who he was, but always refused to tell me," he elaborated. "She did tell me that he was a dragonrider, though. When I was searched, I remember her saying..." His throat caught for a moment as he thought of her. "'Look at that; a dragonrider brought you to me, and now a dragonrider is taking you away'." He delicately replicated the warm smile she'd given him on that day.

"Beautiful names." she uttered softly, turning her head slightly so she could watch the hall for any signs of movements, her eyes darting from entrance to another entrance until she seemed content and dropped into a more relaxed state. She sighed heavily, tilting her head to look up at him, treating him like the big brother she always wanted but never had.

"I'm serious I'shan. You're make a wonderful parent, even if it is only for those brief periods of time. I'm sure you'd enjoy as well. Kids do have wicked senses of humour." Jazz's voice warmed and almost trembled almost as though she had longed for one but whatever crack revealed itself was soon covered up and her hand grabbed her mug.

"Thats why I'm so hard headed. I refuse to be like him and hate it when anyone tries to copy him." She uttered softly, leaving that as her reasoning. Admittedly it wasn't the only reason but it was too early in relationship for her to open completely, especially as she wasn't sure how he'd cope with the information she had given him.

Wrapping her arms firmly around his waist, she hugged firmly, an offering of comfort as he spoke. His tone brought a lump to her throat and an uncomfortable twist. Perhaps that old saying was true... You never miss what you never had. And the Weyr was full of children who didn't know their fathers as well as they should. Being hold born, meant that Jazz had borne witness to what her father should have been. Playful behind closed doors but firm foundation of support for the public to see. I'shan had missed out on so much. Her heart twisted for him, although she had received it herself, she knew how things were meant to be.

"She sounds like a strong woman." She said delicately, lightly poking I'shan's ribs in a slightly playful manner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OOC: Sorry RL ate me.

I'shan listened quietly to Jazira's words, keeping one arm wound reassuringly around her even though his own mind had wandered to places it often feared to go.  I'shan was often stuck in such a position, treading dangerously close to uncomfortable emotions while desperately trying to dart away from their grasping claws. His absent father didn't much bother him, but thinking about his kids sure did. He only felt a little bad for not seeing them; dragonriders were dragonriders, they didn't have to raise kids. If the mothers wanted them, that was their problem.  But it bothered I'shan far more that he didn't want to. The very notion of actually taking care of them made his skin crawl, but when conversations like this came up, he knew he was wrong.

He sighed. "She was," he replied. There was reverence in his voice. I'shan was incapable of harboring any bad thoughts about his mother, even though he knew she'd led a scandalous life before his arrival. Some part of him suspected his own conception was an act of whoring, but he refused to actually entertain those thoughts long enough to let them formulate. His mother was perfect. She never did anything wrong. Certainly not something so selfish as intentionally deny him knowledge about his father?

I'shan realized he was scowling, but Ilveriath's warm (almost paternal) touch steadied him.

"Mom did everything in the world for me," I'shan murmured. Feeling the need to provide details his bonded left out, Ilveriath slid delicately into Jazira's mind. His mother was, from what I can gather in his biased memories, probably a selfish woman. Ilveriath didn't know the woman, but he knew I'shan was sheltered, cultivated. I'shan knew nothing of the comment, but would have been enraged if he did.

"She took such good care of me. I didn't need a dad. I figure if I went anywhere near my kids, I'd just mess them up...It's always seemed to me like kids need moms, not dads," he said with weighty uncertainty. He groaned a bit. "...That's my problem though, I guess. I'm sorry if hearing about it disappointed you. I do go visit the boy sometimes, but he thinks I'm just his mom's friend...the girl's mom won't even let me near her," he explained.  Curiosity took him close to the boy at times, but just seeing the resemblance in behavior was often enough to scare him away.

I'shan paused and eyed Jazira.  He wondered just how much like her father she was. "Did he at least love you, you think? Even if he sucked at showing it?" Thoughts of N'gelt crept into his mind.

Jazz hugged him tighter to give him any comfort she could, almost burying her face into his shoulder in her attempt of comfort, her frame trembling slightly with the suppression of her own emotional responses. No matter how he explained, Jazz couldn't help but wonder if his mother was all he needed. You may not miss what you never had but seriously he felt something missing even he didn't know what it was. Ilveriath's response from Jazz was a soft mental sigh and okay before she lifted her gaze to meet I'shan's. She wanted to help him.. help him become the father she knew he was able to do.. to be a full person.

"They need both, otherwise, why would a woman need a man to make a child." she uttered softly, smiling softly to him. Jazz if anything was different from most Hold born. She saw both sexes as equal, without women there would be no children and the same for the men. So why should the Hold put men above women or women above men? 

"Then the mother of your daughter is a wherry brained idiot." Jazz snapped, her tone sharp as the temper threatened to escape and with a deep breath, she calmed herself, swallowing back the fiery blaze of rage as she squeezed his hand gently. She had her own issues, namely her temper, her hatred of her father and the fact she had been taken from everything she knew and loved.

"I don't think so." She answered his question, the fire in her eyes dimming as tears built up. She did love her father.. but he didn't love her as far as she knew. "He made it very clear I was the child he never wanted... I was the child that should haven't been born. I was just too stubborn to succumb to the herbs he force fed my mother whilst she was pregnant." She gave a bitter smile before vigorously rubbing the tears away. Maybe she had said too much, instead she leaned into him before picking up her mug and draining the now cold klah.

"Shall I grab us some more klah?" She asked softly, her tone hitching up an octave. Either way, whatever innocence had been in her eyes was now gone and replaced with a look of near wisdom.

I'shan's nose wrinkled. "That blows," he said, unable to formulate a more eloquent response, though he did back it up with a firmly protective squeeze. He sighed and shook his head. "I don't know. I guess my life would have been different if my father was around, but he was a dragonrider! Dragonriders don't-...aren't expected to raise their own kids if they don't want to, and I guess he just...."

He realized what he was about to say, but wasn't able to stop himself from saying it: "Didn't want me." It came out very suddenly, very naturally, like he was commenting on something frivolous. He scowled at himself and looked at Jazira, troubled not by the words himself, but by how easily they came out.

It didn't bother him that his father hadn't wanted him. But he didn't have to live with him at the same time. Jazira did have to live with her father. I'shan sighed and bit his lip. "That really blows," he murmured, voice soft and full of sorrow. He didn't know how to help, so he just sat there pathetically for a moment while he turned the station over in his head.

It made him think of things he didn't care to think about. He sighed. "I...I dunno," he finally admitted, not even sure what he was talking about.  He smiled at her weakly. "I wish I knew a way to help you."

Jazz just sighed softly, cuddling I'shan, her eyes drifting shut slightly as her mind whirred silently. His easily spoken words of not being wanted shook her very core. How could someone say that so flippantly?! With a barely muffled whimper, she squeezed him tighter.

"You can't. Only HE can. And he'll probably be on his deathbed before he does it." She managed to speak although what anger had always lurked in the background of her voice was now replaced with resignation. She felt defeated, like the fire raging within her was unjustified and with its fuel gone had died away... leaving nothing but ash as a reminder of its existence.

"I'shan... you need to see your son." she spoke softly, her voice barely holding steady. He lives at the weyr... you can't avoid him forever. Plus he deserves to know you at very least right?" she gazed up at him. She wanted him to the relationship she never had. She wanted I'shan to glow when he spoke of his son, not attempt to wilt away.

I'shan set his jaw. "...I do see him, though," he protested.  Rarely, of course, but he did! He went to visit a couple times per season, always casual visits to the mother just to 'catch up'. He'd watch the boy out of the corner of his eye for a few minutes and maybe offer to play for a little while, but that was just it. He was mom's cool friend, and that was it! That's all he needed to be, right?

He inhaled and tried to suppress his distaste. "I can't," he said hastily. "I'd just be in the way. I have this really demanding relationship, I'm a searchrider..." And I'm AWESOME at making excuses, too! There was one overriding issue, though. He just didn't want to.

He just didn't want to. Why should he? He was a rider. The mother could dump the kid off in creche if she didn't want the kid either! He was the product of a flight, something neither parent could be held responsible for.  He had no desire to get any more involved with the boy than he already was, but Jazira looked like she was going to push the issue. Could he really argue? She had personal reasons to be concerned. She was projecting her problems onto someone else, trying to fix something in someone else that she couldn't fix in herself.

He frowned. He didn't want his life to change, and getting involved with the kid would do exactly that. He crossed his arms. "I dunno, Jazira," he mumbled. "It's just....not something I want to be a part of. I'd be a terrible father, and I...it'll turn my life upside down, Jazira. It's not like I ran off and intentionally had a one-night stand or something..."

Jazz just gazed at him, quietly, her eyes watching every movement he had, her ears listening for everything he said, her mind behind both of those senses keenly picking apart what was said in order to understand it better. Maybe picking her nose in was unjustified, she had no real right to tell him how to live his life, but a part of felt bad, so bad she had to do something to fix it.

"I'shan..." She uttered softly, gripping his arm. "No one is asking you to change your lifestyle. All I was hoping was that you'd be honest with the child you helped bring into this world." She said before letting go of his hand. "I know you're a searchrider and to be honest, I still think N'gelt is a jerk. But I stand by what I said. You can be the awesome dad they see occasionally and have fun painting and whatever." She added with a slight smile, shards that is all she had wanted with her father... to spend even just a few moments in his company without being treated like she had the plague. Instead, she was here trying to explain it to I'shan from the child's point of view. Maybe he didn't see it... maybe he didn't want to see it.

"But surely knowing for sure is better than not knowing. And I still reckon you'd be an excellent dad." she spoke with such warmth and earnest that his words of not wanting crumpled that eagerness and warmth with one fell swoop. I'shan couldn't like her father... right? He wasn't heartless! She saw with her own eyes and heard with her own ears that I'shan was anything but heartless.

She let her head drop onto the table with a heavy thud and tucked her hands behind her neck, trying to cool the raging heat that spread as her temper flickered. She couldn't let that anger out... not now... especially not at I'shan.

I'shan wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to think Jazira was right - there could be some sort of balance, and he wouldn't have to give up his life a she knew it. He still thought of childrearing as primarily a woman's job, though not for typical reasons; he was still shackled by his childhood image of his mother, who seemed to determined to keep men out of his life. Was that really her motivation, or was she just lonely? Was he just all she'd ever had? She wasn't bitter, at least not in his memory. He was just all there was.

She didn't need his father. Her reasons why had gone to her grave with her, but that much remained obvious. The idea of getting involved still made the bluerider's stomach turn.

"I just don't know," he said softly. He wasn't willing to make an adamant 'no', especially because he feared it might alienate Jazira. But what else could he say? He wasn't confident in an agreement. He just groaned and buried his face in his hands.

When he looked back at her a moment later, he saw her with her head down and her hands at her neck. He softened and leaned closer. "...Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed whisper. He wanted to argue with her comment about N'gelt, but that could wait. That was a conversation for another day, and by now I'shan was used to hearing naysayers express all sorts of misguided opinions about his poor lover. I'shan just let it go. He was worried.

"I...here, let me go get you another drink..."

"I'm sorry I'shan.. I shouldn't push." she all but whispered as he leaned in, her voice tightly controlled as she felt her shoulders tightened up against the anger that boiled just beneath the surface. And with loud exhale, she slowly lifted her head, staring ahead, her right cheek twitching uncontrollably.

"Its just... I don't want anyone else to go through what I went through. At least knowing your father and having him make a rare appearance to lay... its.. something I always wanted.. even if it only happened the once... it would have been better than than the sharding hand I got dealt." she all but growled and slammed her head back onto the table. She wasn't going to lose her temper, she wasn't... not even Pern becoming the red star would force her to lose her temper.

As her ingers jerked into a fist, she hit her head against the table harder this time to in order to try and stop the temper from escaping. She could feel the heat of the anger along her neck, the tightneing of muscles coiled, ready to spring into action. Her mind's eye already playing out she would fight. But she couldn't sink into it. She had control it... hell her temper had destroyed her chance of becoming a master, now she had to control herself to stop her from destroying the only friendship she had in this whole sharding Weyr. She couldn't let him see that anger... she couldn't...

I'shan frowned. "....I guess I just have really cold feet," he muttered. He felt pretty awful about himself in those moments. Was he really just as bad as Jazira's father? While she hadn't outright said that, that's what he felt like she meant, even if she didn't realize it. That's certainly what it felt like.

That's what he felt like.

He frowned and slumped a bit in his seat. "....I'll at least go and visit him more often," he said. It was a sullen promise, but not an insincere one. He paused to think about his own childhood. He'd never exactly missed a father, just as Ishadhe didn't seem to. But what if he'd had the chance for one to show up? What if there had been a possibility? Would it have brought him joy?

He sighed.

"I'll start going out to see him. Maybe...I dunno." He didn't want to make a promise that he couldn't keep. What if he chickened out? What if he just ran away again, like always? I'shan knew himself better than he liked to admit. Like so many other things in life, he glanced away from the true heart of this issue. He visited, but he ever stayed long...not because the boy made him particularly uncomfortable, but because he didn't want to be attached.

"I'll go see him soon," he repeated, more resolute this time. A visit couldn't hurt. He smiled nervously and extended a hand to Jazira, hoping to at least see her calm, if not smile.

She was right, he didn't want Ishadhe to grow up with this same problem.