Taking Matters into his Own Paws [N'gelt]

Oh, I'shan...

Ilveriath's smooth, gentle voice went unheard, consumed by the bluerider's acidic dreams. I'shan lay in a fitful sleep, tossing and turning in his bedsheets while the alcohol he'd drowned himself in pulled him ever deeper into his nightmares. He was always hard to wake when he drank, and while Ilveriath knew how to go about it, he wasn't sure that he should. He only wished he could penetrate his bonded's mind enough to quell the terrible dreams, but how to do so without potentially making them worse? How to bypass the little bluerider's vicious defenses without waking him to an unpleasant hangover?

The dragon sighed. It had been this way for sevendays now, ever since the fight at the hatching feast. Much to Ilveirath's disgust, time hadn't alleviated the problem. I'shan tended to recover quickly from his lover's quarrels, but this had been a cruel exception. Any efforts the bluerider made to reconcile were reciprocated with avoidance and bitterness, a form of rejection I'shan had no answer for. And unlike past breakups, I'shan had been unwilling to dull his pain by seeking companionship elsewhere.

No. He just pined and pined away, sulking and crying and drinking and complaining. It was self-destructive, foolish, illogical...and remarkably sad. It was telling to Ilveriath, who had known his bonded since the tender age of fourteen turns. I'shan must have really loved N'gelt. Otherwise, he wouldn't be drinking himself to death over him. 

The dragon had been skeptical at first. Attraction was common enough, but I'shan disliked routine. He was ever promiscuous, enjoying flights and actively seeking new partners. N'gelt brought that to an uncharacteristic end, but it made I'shan happy. The pair bonded extraordinarily fast, but just as quickly it had all come tumbling down. Had I'shan thrown himself into a risky relationship too quickly? Did he lack the self-control to stay with one mate for too long?

Human relationships troubled and confused Ilveriath. He preferred his usual lazy, whimsical ways to this unending angst. I'shan's depression had pulled the blue into an unprecedented dark place; Ilveriath had even remained reservedly optimistic during the plague! But during the turns of exile, Ilveriath could at least talk to his rider and take him on flights, or splash with him in the lake, or gaze at the stars with him...anything to keep his mind off of their loneliness. This was different.

During exile, Ilveriath could play on I'shan's youthful love of adventure to keep his chin up. Here, Ilveriath had no idea what to do. All of the usual fixes weren't working, and I'shan just got worse and worse. Displeased, Iilveriarth let out a deep rumble as he continued to probe the young man's dreams, searching for something, anything...

But all he found was N'gelt.

Humans and their love! The only thing more ridiculous than I'shan's continuing spiral into drunken oblivion over the brownrider was the reason N'gelt had abandoned him. Standing too close to B'jin, was it? Or something like that?

Ilveriath snorted. He could feel midnight rainwater sprinkling all over his hide, adding to his gloom. He hated rain. It ruined his beautiful sky.

As he peered again into I'shan's mind, he made up his own.  If I'shan needed N'gelt to be happy, he would have him.

Ilveriath took off silently, gliding through the winter rainstorm and heading for N'gelt's hut. He would have to do this now; if he did it while I'shan was awake, it would only upset him more.

The blue settled outside the hut and immediatly peered into N'gelt's hut, eyes flushing a shocking shade of yellow. N'gelt? N'gelt, wake up. You and I must talk.

It had been another typical night for N'gelt. Rise, eat, do chores, eat some more, leave the Weyr with Saquith, return for a private late dinner and sleep. All the while of course, avoiding I'shan and his Blue.

The day after the hatching had given no love or kindness to N'gelt. He had consumed copious amounts of alcohol to deal with the fact that he had lost copious amounts of his marks on hatching bets and in this state had had what could be said simply as a horrendous encounter with I'shan. Drunk past the point of return he had hallucinated his dead Weyrmate C'ole in I'shan's stead, resulting in well, some ugly memories.

Any attempt at trying to recall what had truly happened that night was a failure, with the memories tainted and blurred. Though N'gelt hadn't really spent time dwelling on them, given that all he saw was past suffering. Even his initial half-hearted attempts were easily dismissed with Saquith's gentle presence, turns later he still knew how self-destructive his rider could be and how to avoid it.

Ilveriath's arrival woke Saquith, who rose as the Blue landed, his wings flaring somewhat defensively. While initially he regarded Ilveriath with bright green eyes, they slipped into a yellow mirroring the Blue's. He didn't speak to the other dragon, instead he reached out to N'gelt, wrapping protectively around his rider's mind much like a cocoon. He didn't keep Ilveriath from speaking to him, though he was prepared to do so if N'gelt became upset.

Saquith's touch roused N'gelt somewhat, enough so that when Ilveriath spoke, the words were registered as more than a dream. Grunting he stretched, rolling onto his back. His eyes cracked open and when greeted by darkness he growled in his throat. 'What time is it?' He asked Saquith. It is still far from sunlight. The Brown replied, walking around to stand closer to Ilveriath.

"It's the middle of the night. Go away." He called out to Ilveriath, rolling back onto his side and scrunching his eyes tightly shut.

Ilveriath paid no attention to Saquith as he settled himself outside N'gelt's window. As fond as Ilveriath had become of the brown, he expected Saquith to be something of an obstacle now. He'd been awfully defensive of N'gelt's bad behavior at Larrikith's flight, after all.

The blue craned his head near the window, gazing inside through his radiant yellow eyes and extending a mental touch to N'gelt, hoping that it might calm him. Well, calm wasn't the best word choice. N'gelt was perfectly calm, he was just grumpy as all shards. Ilveriath let out a long huff as he approached, firm and without fear.

No said the troubled dragon. You have persecuted I'shan unfairly. He is lovesick for you. His words were stern and lacked all of their usual music and compassion. Out of courtesy, he extended his mind to Saquith as well so the brown could at least listen in. Surely Saquith was smart enough to see how messed up this was! Maybe he could help, but only if he didn't overreact to Ilveriath's forcefulness.

Ilv was certain N'gelt wouldn't understand much outside of force. Inevitably, even in his delicate serenity,the blue remained nervous. Saquith was both bigger and a higher ranking dragon. If he decided to chase Ilv off, well...he could.

Ilveriath started to rumble softly, a sound of agitation and misgiving. His body posture remained relaxed and his nervousness was quickly tucked into a back corner of his mind, presumably safe from both Saquith and I'shan.

If dragons cleared their throats, Ilveriath would have before speaking again.

Look at him he said slowly, his rich voice tinged with a hint if pain. He projected an imagine of I'shan into N'gelt and Saquith's minds, showing them how the little bluerider tossed and turned in his sleep and how he kept only the company of empty wine bottles. It was shameful!

Ilv maintained his dignity markedly better, but his heart ached as he thought about his bonded. How badly Ilveriath wanted to just swoop in and rescue him from his pain! How badly he wanted to just shriek and rage! But that was unbecoming...unbecoming and ultimately futile. So the frustrated blue remained quiet, not even bothering to shake the rainwater from his hide.

Ilveriath’s decision to ignore Saquith for the time being was noted by the Brown, though he was unsure whether to feel offended or not. Ilveriath was looking after his rider, just as he was, so it was fair all around, right? He mentally stroked N’gelt, who was getting more fired up the longer the Blue persisted with him. He didn’t block Ilveriath from interacting with his rider, yet.

N’gelt growled under his breath when Ilveriath spoke again. What was all this bullshit? Persecuted I’shan unfairly? N’gelt had done no such thing. In fact he had barely even seen I’shan since the hatching! With the alcohol he had been soaking his blood in and the constant visits by C’ole, N’gelt had barely seen anyone in that time even when they stood right in front of him.

Even so, he refused to speak to Ilveriath. There was no proof for what Ilveriath was claiming and it was the middle of the night. No sane being held a conversation at this time! Not one that seemed to reek of some kind of levity anyway. Saquith gave a low grumble, displeased with how the situation was progressing. He didn’t like how N’gelt was acting any more than I’shan or Ilveriath, but he had been making progress dammit! Right now it felt like Ilveriath was just unravelling all of his hard work. He didn’t pick up on Ilveriath’s nervousness, he wasn’t highly attuned to emotions like a search dragon and he wasn’t exactly looking for anything within the Blue.

The image that invaded his mind caused him to stiffen and let out a loud bark. The Brown flared his wings, towering over Ilveriath as he felt the repercussions within his rider’s mind.

N’gelt twisted within his furs, his mind rife with too many emotions for his hungover body. Snarling he clutched at the furs and thrashed his arms to and fro, almost ripping the bedding in two. “You think I’m any better?” He screeched, finding self-control a concept long gone from his head. Saquith roared at the pain and anger that swirled there, unable to find a way to soothe it. He swung his head to Ilveriath, his voice dark. Look what you’ve done. The accusation was not only to Ilveriath but to I'shan. He projected what N’gelt felt into the Blue, it was his turn to feel the suffering this time. There was no sense of joy or content for Saquith from forcing Ilveriath to experience N’gelt’s trauma, just an extreme sense of being worn out. Saquith was exhausted.

Ilveriath snorted, a rare gesture of genuine aggravation. He'd been suffering through this emotional cold war for long enough. Now not long had N'gelt snubbed him, but Saquith was berating Ilveriath for what he considered a gesture of protection. Ilveriath saw no wrong in what he'd done, making a direct confrontation when the past weeks had consisted of nothing but tactical avoidance. Something had to be done.

The dragon was graceful and dignified in his humiliation, arching his neck slowly and coiling neatly onto his hind legs. Saquith the sensitive dragon said, eyes widening to reveal the yellow of N'gelt's pain. You are as foolish as the rest of us he said, looking up at the larger dragon without daring to cringe or cower, in spite of his smaller size. He knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to mask his nervousness any longer. The moment he showed weakness, he was certain to fall apart.

There was a calculated pause as the beast composed himself, wings ruffling obstinately and allowing his eyes to sink closed again. I had hoped to avoid upsetting you, as evidenced by my silence.  I have grown quite fond of you over these past months he explained, his usually mild voice sinking dangerously low, weighed down with regret and mental exhaustion. In the distance, he felt I'shan stir.

The blue growled, but the sound was so soft that it was swallowed by the sheets of rain falling all around.

Ilveriath felt I'shan's reluctant movements. He could feel the pain in both gut and heart, the weight in his steps, the lump in his throat. Ilveriath steadied himself before protesting; he'd woken N'gelt, so he could hardly scold Saquith for doing the same, but it was still maddening. Ilveriath's small body coiled and he let out a cruel hiss.

This is unfortunate he said, targeting his spiteful words at Saquith alone, as N'gelt obviously didn't care to listen. I'shan cares deeply for N'gelt. They have proven devotion to each other time and time again, even in so short a relationship the blue said, the patience in his voice slowly eroding away. But you have avoided us. You were everywhere we were not. I'shan was not even given a chance to explain himself. I come now in hope that your bonded will listen to reason, but you have  bothmade it clear that you don't want either of us in your lives.

An image of I'shan, wandering drunkenly in the rainstorm, flickered involuntarily from Ilveriath's mind to Saquith's.

I see how welcome we are. I shall not bother you again, and I shall ensure that I'shan does the same. He paused, not quite able to force true anger in his words. In spite of his protectiveness of his distraught bonded, he had been fond of Saquith. What a shame. The blue's eyes opened again, revealing mixed hues of frustration and sadness. There was no apology, but instead an abundance of sadness.

I enjoyed our time together he said with finality as he spread his wings.

Saquith stared at Ilveriath, noting that he was sinking into a crouch to prepare for flight. He snorted at Ilveriath's comment about being foolish, Saquith knew he wasn't foolish. A little lost maybe, but how was he meant to know how to deal with what N'gelt was going through? It wasn't entirely known territory to him, N'gelt had never hallucinated before. He shook himself, sending rain in all directions. Snorting again he pawed at the ground, the Blue's words just seemed so... forced. Even though they probably weren't, Saquith couldn't see why he would be saying such things.

At his hiss Saquith returned one, keeping his stature dominant over Ilveriath's, he wouldn't be dominated by the Blue, no matter how much he had grown to admire him. His presence around N'gelt's mind receded as he felt Ilveriath spoke only to himself now and he felt no need to rest as a potential shield any longer. It was a smart decision on Ilveriath's part, to direct his words to Saquith instead of N'gelt for otherwise the Brown would have gone beyond seeing or hearing any reason. When he was accused of avoiding the Bluerider pair, anger swelled deep in his chest. They had done no such thing! Before he had the chance to defend himself or his rider Ilveriath continued to speak. His words stung and overrode the image that slipped through of I'shan.

What, wait! Saquith cried to him as Ilveriath spread his wings. Unintentional authority was weighted into his words, it wasn't a command like that of a Gold but it would likely be enough to sway Ilveriath into staying on the ground. We don't not want you... He murmured, struggling with what to say. I don't know how to help him anymore. Pain filtered into his voice, it was a genuine statement he had done everything in his power to try and bring N'gelt back to his normal self but it had all fallen short.

Shaking his body again he brought his wings into his body and crouched down, appearing more submissive now. He didn't want Ilveriath to leave, he liked Ilveriath. But he was hurting N'gelt with what he was doing. On the other side of it, he didn't want N'gelt to hurt anymore. Was there something that would help if I'shan actually came and approached N'gelt? Saquith was unsure. He was gambling in keeping Ilveriath here and letting I'shan wander closer, something he abhorred doing.

Ilveriath didn't appreciate the 'authority'. He paused nonetheless, thin body bristling with pent-up frustration. Saquith's words didn't move the blue, but they did cause him delay. And you think I do? he asked with reserved anger. He didn't look at Saquith, but instead stared forward into the gloom, in the direction he knew his bonded was located.

He thinks of nothing but N'gelt the dragon said darkly. I have done my part to try and fix this, and it was met with anger. I will do nothing else. he said, his mindvoice almost devoid of emotion. What emotion was present mostly amounted to regret. He really did feel quite hollow; he wanted badly for this to work, for I'shan to be happy again. But it hadn't worked. As much as Ilveriath wanted to be angry, he found it suddenly hard to feel anything but hopeless.

He turned his attention back to the one who really needed him.

I'shan, hold still and I will find you Ilveriath instructed, but I'shan was still drunk from before. The blue's words were lost in the haze. The blue's eyes flushed yellow in silent fear and he spread his wings again.

He didn't have time to leave before he saw I'shan materialize through the sheets of rain, stumbling instinctively to his dragon. He was drunk and confused, but their bond drew them close even in the chaos surrounding them.

"Ilv!"  he shouted, quivering. "Why?! You left me alone!"

Ilveriath walked closer and lowered his snout, pressing it lovingly against I'shan's outstretched hands. I'shan gripped the snout tightly, tears immediately flooding down his face.

"Don't b-bother, Ilv!" he choked, "They don't want us anymore!"

I know. It's okay the blue said, once again silencing his own anxieties to shield his fragile lifemate.

Saquith could not reciprocate Ilveriath's dark comment, N'gelt had thought only of his deceased weyrmate C'ole since the hatching feast. He knew that to say so would only worsen the situation and held back the scathing remark that was forming in his mind. You come and awaken us in the middle of the night, shunting pain into my half-awake rider. What did you expect? To be wreathed in flowers and begged forgiveness? You are a fool. Saquith hissed. He wanted these troubles to melt away as badly as Ilveriath did, but what did the Blue expect? He held back his anger as I'shan neared them, orange eyes whirling slowly.

I'shan's words were biting and to them Saquith gave a low growl of defence. How could anyone come to such a conclusion without being told so outright? He had just told Ilveriath they didn't not want them and yet there he stood, letting his rider believe the lies.

Anger flared in Saquith's chest and he strode forward towards the pair. That is a lie. It took great strength and courage for him to speak to I'shan. It was the third time he had done so, to cross a boundary unasked and uninvited and speak to a human. Prior to I'shan being swept into N'gelt's life, Saquith had only spoken to two other riders; C'ole and their Weyrling Master. Even then, it had only been at request. The hesitancy in his voice was awkward and cluttered against the anger that drove him to speak, I'shan would feel his mental presence for a moment before he heard anything.

Frustrated he walked around to stand behind I'shan, pressing his nose against his back. He kept his wings snapped tightly closed and his posture as low and as submissive as a large Brown could while he tried to guide I'shan to the door. This was a problem between humans, humans were what was needed to fix it. Not dragons. Whether Ilveriath would recognise that and choose not to attack or attempt to chase Saquith away from his rider though, Saquith didn't know. His faith was invested in the whimsical Blue, hoping against hope that he would go along with the rudimentary plan that he had formed. It wasn't much beyond 'get I'shan into the hut', but he felt it was worth a shot.

Please, he uttered to I'shan and Ilveriath, try. He urged I'shan. Shifting he moved to the side, it would be I'shan's decision to open the door to N'gelt's hut, not his own. Did I'shan have the courage to reach out to the handle and to then turn it? Saquith didn't know. It wouldn't be long until he did though.

Ilveriath was naturally outraged at Saquith's response, but he chose to ignore it rather that dignifying the brown with a reply. It would really only make things worse at this point, and it rather flet like indulging a child. The blue had a variety of responses in mind, not the least of which a simple 'no, I expected you to act like an adult', but he'd reached the conclusion that was too much to ask of Saquith. Without word of acknowledgement Ilveriath's presence withdrew, keeping his true feelings on the matter sealed away tightly.

I'shan was another matter. His eyes widened as he ran his fingers along Ilveriarth's muzzle. In spite of his drunken state, the bluerider recognized the pain resonating from deep within his dragon, once buried deeply beneath a facade of calm. Ilveriath just rumbled coldly, ignoring his own discomfort and smooshing it down again. Do not worry about me Ilveriath said openly, nuzzling his rider lovingly. You are the one who is unwell. Come along, we should go home

I'shan was confused. He shook his head when Saquith's voice appeared and gave the dragon a nasty glare. "You leave him alone, you nasty thing! You're upsetting him! Don't ever talk to us again!" I'shan screamed, his voice barely loud enough to penetrate the sound of the falling rain. Viciously defensive of the dragon he felt like he'd neglected, I'shan threw both arms around Ilveriath's snout to reassure him. He even positioned his body between the two, as if his scarce weight could actually come between them. Of course, the rider's emotions were wildly out of control and he hardly realized what he said, but the strain in his voice and the trembling pain rolling off of him were tangible. Ilveriath's eyes flashed yellow.

I'shan! No.... he urged, the softness in his voice trailing off into helplessness. I'shan sensed the distress and let out a choking sob, clutching tighter to the dragon's snout and refusing to open his eyes. I didn't know I was upsetting you! I'shan sobbed silently, the realization of his dragon's pain snapping him sober. He squeezed yet again and kissed the dragon's snout over and over.

I shouldn't have ignored you just because I was upset. I'm sorry! You could have helped me, and I just..just...

Sssh, no, please...I could not give you what you needed. I cannot do it myself, and I have failed to bring you the one who can. I am the one who must apologize

Ilv...
I'shan was snapped back to reality when he felt a shadow fall over him, shielding him from the rain. Suddenly terrified, the bluerider let out a shriek. "Wh-what? No! Get away from me! GET AWAY FROM ME!" he shouted in sudden fear, his throat tearing at the sheer force with which he cried out. Emotions running high and heart pounding, he lost control of himself and tried to stumble away, pitching forward into the mud when Saquith's nose finally pressed against in back. I'shan immediately curled into a ball and cringed while Ilveriath's wings flared out, his eyes blazing red as he shot Saquith a glare so hateful that it almost made I'shan vomit. Never in his life had he felt Ilveriath so angry. Well, there was that one time...

I'shan shivered as he thought briefly of the felines.

Ilveriath was no fool, however. He knew felines and Saquith were two entirely different things. Convinced that Saquith meant no harm but still entirely displeased, Ilveriath shrunk back. He didn't know what to do. He wanted the humans to talk, badly. But badly enough that he would allow Saquith to terrorize his rider in a horrendous display of hypocrisy? For that's exactly what it was. Ilveriath was a villain for doing something unpleasant to N'gelt to try and force him along, but Saquith could do this? Ilveriath restrained himself, sealing his emotions deep inside and watching with elegant poise as his poor, helpless little I'shan staggered up wretchedly from the mud.

He will not harm you Ilveriath said, trying to sound warm and happy for I'shan. His quiet urging calmed I'shan just a bit, just enough to keep his feet firm below him. Ilveriath disapproved of this entire endeavor, but anything would be worth having his happy I'shan back. Anything, no matter how insulting it was or how badly it hurt to watch.

"Ilv! Why aren't you helping me?!" I'shan asked desperately, his voice hoarse from the scream as he stumbled to N'gelt's door. Terrified and still hazy, the jerked the door open not out of bravery, but out of fear. He ran inside, slamming the door behind him, and threw himself at N'gelt. He gave the brownrider no choice, slinging his arms around the man and sobbing bitterly.

He didn't explained that he was scared and thought perhaps Saquith was so angry at Ilveriath that he wanted to kill them. He didn't try to explain his behavior at the hatching feast. He just wept and shivered,  occasionally pleading in a quivering voice that N'gelt not throw him outside.

Outside, Ilveriath watched in silence, as far withdrawn from his own rider as he could bear to be. He didn't want his own emotions influencing his bonded, not right now. The blue sighed.

I’shan’s screaming seemed to go completely over Saquith’s head for he made no visible response to them. Inside he felt a mixture of anger and despair; could this relationship really be fixed? His shrieks at his appearance cut Saquith, he felt like he was a monster, some terror from a child’s dreams. The thought flashed momentary mirth through his mind, they were all children now, not one of the four present were truly adults anymore.

When I’shan stood again from Ilveriath’s gentle coaxing Saquith sent a wave of gratitude to the Blue, the emotion cradled in desperation. He was glad I’shan wasn’t turning around to attack him, he couldn’t harm a human, especially another dragon’s chosen. The slam of the door caused the Brown to flinch. His eyes were a slow and anxious yellow, there was nothing physically either dragon could do now unless they attempted to destroy the hut to reach their riders.

Mentally he stroked N’gelt, rousing the man from his hazy thoughts before he was bombarded by I’shan. N’gelt... Please don’t be angry... Saquith was lost for words. What else was there to say? The rain was getting heavier, seeming to reflect the sour mood that enveloped the area. Unsure what to do Saquith backed into the shelter that had been built for weather like this. It was small, only able to accommodate Saquith and no other dragon. Even if it were larger, Saquith wasn’t sure if it would be wise to invite Ilveriath closer.

N’gelt, having been blocked from the emotions swirling outside and assuming that the Blue had left, was drifting into another tormented sleep when Saquith’s presence roused him. Don’t be angry? At what? It was then that he heard the door slam. Sitting up he stared into the darkness with narrowed eyes, what was going on? He didn’t hear I’shan’s footfalls over the pounding rain and in his hungover state took a moment to register what and who had collided into him.

Confusion reigned in his mind as he lay there, I’shan’s slender body shuddering against him as he sobbed. It didn’t take long for his hands to identify the man, they had only run over his body thousands of times already. Frustrated by the lack of light and his inability to see exactly what was going on he rolled I’shan to the side and stood up, feeling around for the glow near his bed. Turning it he looked back at the shell of a man now whimpering on the bed.  His eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on him, what on pern was C’ole doing there?

“C’ole? You said you couldn’t stay.” He growled. Sitting on the bed he held I’shan upright, struggling to see what was truly there. His hands told him I’shan was the one he held, the slender dainty man. But his eyes saw only C’ole, with his haggard eyes and broad shoulders, tired of following.

“I... failed you.” He said, voice barely audible over the rain. You failed no one. C’ole is gone. Saquith said with determination, hoping against hope that maybe with I’shan there N’gelt would finally see the true man, not the hallucination. ’But C’ole... I see him here.’ N’gelt sent, frowning. No. This is I’shan.

N’gelt tilted his head to the side. Was this I’shan? He closed his eyes and placed his hands on the Bluerider’s shoulders. Eyes could be tricked. Could hands? The shoulders were thin, slender, more feminine. There was no broadness to them, but there was certainly the tone of a dragonrider. Slowly his hands travelled up I’shan’s neck and cupped his face, his fingers gently tracing across his features. The trace of stubble on a smooth jawline, rounded cheekbones. There were sunken pools beneath the eyes which caused him to hesitate. C’ole had had the same hallowed eyes. He is upset, like C’ole. He does not want to leave, unlike C’ole. Saquith supplied as he followed N’gelt’s thoughts. Believing his dragon N’gelt continued to run his fingers across I’shan’s face, finally coming to rest on his lips. Full but cracked. C’ole had barely had lips to touch, thin beyond reason.

If hands couldn’t be tricked, this couldn’t be C’ole.

I'shan's eyes widened and grew blurry with tears as N'gelt finally spoke to him. He doesn't even remember my name properly! he lamented, shrinking back, though he didn't actually try to wrench his slender form from the other man's grasp. He lay like a ragdoll, allowing N'gelt to roll him and lift him and inspect him...terrified of the brownrider's apparent anger and drunken haze, but completely unwilling to flee again.

If he did, he might not ever feel that touch again.

He is very drunk, but I believe he will recognize you soon Ilveriath said lightly. He remained uncomfortable; Saquith's gratitude meant nothing to the blue at that point, but he acknowledged it with a brief rumble for the sake of politeness. He wasn't necessarily bitter. He was more indifferent, wishing Saquith would simply stop communicating to him, but too conscious of the situation's delicateness to do anything about it.

More than anything, he was relieved to see the humans talking. Ilveriath melted away from the outside world and peered through I'shan's eyes, bonding himself to his rider's fears and trying to bolster him. I'shan's heartbeat settled as he felt the blue's warm presence returning to him, choosing to support him rather than continue in isolation. I'shan swallowed hard and leaned into N'gelt's touch, pressing his lips against the other man's fingers in a delicate little kiss.

"I'm sorry," I'shan squeaked lightly. He reached out with one trembling hand, running it nervously over N'gelt's chest. "For everything. I d-didn't mean to upset you," he said lamely, not sure what he could actually say about the incident. Did he make up excuses, beg for forgiveness, criticize himself and hope N'gelt would take it as a sign of sincerity?

He tried to calm itself, retreating into Ilveriath's warm mental embrace. "I'm sorry, and I want you back. Please? Please give me another chance?" the little bluerider pleaded, choosing to abandon all explanations. What good would it do them to ponder the origins of their conflict all night? They could pick over the details, but that always ended in over-analyzing and blaming. Instead, I'shan went for the heart. He sniffled weakly and slumped into the brownrider, all but throwing himself at the man's mercy.

Ilveriath didn't approve. He felt like the entire thing was N'gelt's fault.  I'shan shouldn't be the one begging for a second chance. Of course, that's the way it was with dragon and rider. He remained mistrusting and reminded himself that it was I'shan's relationship, not his own. He found himself highly mistrusting of the brownpair, but it didn't matter if he liked them. It mattered if I'shan did, and if I'shan needed this man so badly, Ilveriath would keep his opinions to himself. I'shan's happiness was worth absolutely anything. He crooned and gave his rider an encouraging mental nudge.

"I'shan."

N'gelt's voice cracked. His eyes opened slowly, unsure who he would see beneath his hands. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust, in which I'shan kissed his fingers and began to speak. The touch against his chest shocked him out of his reverie, his body visibly flinching. Staring down at I'shan's hand N'gelt leant forward, pressing one of his own hands over the much more slender man's.

What was going on?

Do you see him now? Saquith rumbled, sensing slow but sure progress in his mind.

'Yes... What... I don't understand.' N'gelt wrapped his other arm around I'shan as the Bluerider slumped against him, a deep frown etched on his face. I'shan wouldn't give him answers now, that was obvious enough from the way he spoke or more, sobbed.

You were drinking... You saw the past. Saquith supplied. It was the best he could do without N'gelt's memory present, but he could piece it together from the trauma N'gelt had been experiencing constantly for the past month.

'Saw the past? You mean... C'ole. He was so... real...'

He is dead. Saquith said, seeing memories flashing through his rider's mind.

'It's my fault...' These words he spoke aloud as well as thought, clearly audible to I'shan. His breath caught as he spoke, what was he apologising for? For C'ole's death or his rejection of I'shan? Without a clear memory N'gelt wasn't entirely sure. He knew one thing though, something bad had happened between the two of them and it was muddled with alcohol.

N'gelt stared at the mop of black hair, pulling his hand from between them to pick at it softly. It was unkempt and somewhat greasy, not at all like it had been before this ordeal. It was like a veil had been lifted from his eyes suddenly, while his head throbbed and his stomach churned he wasn't drunk now and seemed to realise what was happening. Somewhat, anyway.

He wanted to ask what had happened. Who had done what, to find some kind of clarity. Given the amount of alcohol involved however, it didn't seem like clarity was going to be visiting N'gelt anytime soon. Could he try and explain what he remembered? The visions of C'ole that had plagued him... No. That time, when C'ole had left N'gelt, it was still as raw as if it had happened yesterday. N'gelt had blood on his hands, blood he could never wash off. To share that with I'shan now... would be to smear the blood onto the Bluerider, or so N'gelt felt.

Neither I'shan nor Ilveriath knew anything of the deceased greenrider that haunted N'gelt's memories. The knowledge would have earned sympathy from one and understanding from the other, but N'gelt was right about one thing; I'shan would have shared the blood, even though it wasn't his to bear. He wasn't stupid though, and even in his bleary post-drunk state, he could tell something was deeply troubling his partner. Partner?

I'shan leaned close, allowing N'gelt to pick at his hair. "I've missed you so much. I haven't been able to think about anything else. So much that it upset Ilveriath. I'm so sorry!" he said, voice trembling in pain. His apology extended to Ilveriath as well, who I'shan felt he'd wronged through neglect. The blue purred outside, his demeanor lightening somewhat as he felt the relief and cautious optimism that soared in  I'shan at that moment.

The bluerider whimpered a moment longer before lifting both thin hands, placing them on either side of N'gelt's face and frowning emphatically. "It's not your fault, it's mine," he said weakly. "It was a misunderstanding, but I...I shouldn't have been so close to B'jin! I didn't think about it, but I didn't mean to make you feel the way you must have...I'm so sorry! You're the only one I want...you!" the bluerider pleaded.

The entire thing made Ilveriath uncomfortable. He could feel I'shan's desperation as he thought over the event. I'shan was determined to never allow such a mistake again and had subconsciously sworn off 'suspicious' contact with his friends. What defined 'suspicious'? Ilveriath feared I'shan was about to pin himself down, enslave himself to the brownrider out of fear of rejection. Still, the blue remained silent, looking on with only passive concern. It was too early to worry too much about that. One step at a time...

I promise I won't do that, Ilveriath I'shan lied, knowing well that he ultimately would. Neither member of the pair wanted to admit that, but Ilveriath was so surprised and touched by the attention I'shan had paid him that he let the thought slip by. Ilveriath never had any trouble hiding his feelings from  I'shan simply because the man was so oblivious, but right now he was paying special attention.

I don't want this to happen to US again, either I'shan assured the dragon. In return, he felt only a warm torrent of love streaming from the contented creature. Ilveriath's wings fell to his sides in exhaustion and he curled up on the ground, pleased to let his nervous but finally, gloriously happy rider bask in his reunion with N'gelt, as tenuous as it was.

Back inside,  I'shan leaned into N'gelt and wrapped his arms around him. "What do you say, baby?  Take me back?" he purred. A familiar tendril of playful sensuality crept into his otherwise weary voice.

As I'shan placed his hands on N'gelt's face he returned the frown, unsure how he felt about it. He rolled the words over in his mind for a few moments. He believed I'shan now that his mind seemed to have cleared, he hadn't really doubted that. Just... been blind for a short while. He nodded, acknowledging the Bluerider's pleads.

When his face was free from I'shan's hands he relaxed somewhat, letting I'shan mould against his body. "Yeah." He grunted. Were he a man of more words he might have spouted some flowery poetry of how he shouldn't have treated I'shan that way and of course he would take him back but, well. This is N'gelt we're talking about. A master of words, he wasn't.

Only now he felt how soaked I'shan was as they sat there. Pushing him upright N'gelt's hands dove to the hems of his clothing, tugging them off eagerly. He didn't want to have sex with I'shan now, no, he wished only to have the man he loved to be happy. To sleep contentedly and not come down with a stupid cold. Tossing the clothes to the side carelessly he pushed I'shan down, tugging the furs out from beneath them both. He laid down and pulled them up over the Bluerider and himself, pressing up against him to warm him up.

"Too wet to go back, stay here. Sleep." He murmured into I'shan's ear, his breath hot against his mate's rain-cold skin. Exhaustion swept over his mind, urged on by the soothing touch of Saquith. Saquith was joyous, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel now. C'ole would still haunt N'gelt, but now he had someone to stand with. Someone who would remember and understand what had happened.

---

Sorry it's a bit short/shoddy. BUT I WROTE A TAG AFTER DINNER that never happens. XD

That small, gruff response was all I'shan needed. The bluerider's heart swelled with joy as he leaned into his companion once again, a cheerful little laugh escaping his throat as he did so. "Thank you," he murmured, his voice finally settling down after minutes of trembling. His eyes remained puffy and his throat ached from sobbing, but he couldn't have been happier in that moment. If only he'd known the pain N'gelt experienced at those memories of his lost partner, I'shan would have pressed himself even closer and held on for even longer....not that he currently planned to ever, ever let go anyhow.

"I think I love you," I'shan said timidly. He rarely spoke those words, at least not to anyone other than Ilveriath. He'd always been wild and free, moving as he pleased from one partner to the next. What was it about N'gelt that was so special?

He didn't realize it, but he'd asked Ilveriath.

I do not know the blue replied, the usual laziness in his voice firmly reestablished. It's familiarity comforted I'shan. But then again, what is it about you that is so special, other than that you are perfect? I could never explain it, not in a thousand turns even if I tried...you are not required to explain, either

I'shan smiled widely, basking in Ilveriath's warmth and cradled closely to N'gelt's body. The bluerider let out a little gasp as he felt N'gelt working his clothes off; he knew what he expected, but what he actually got tickled him to death.

"I get to sleep here?" he asked, less disbelieving of the actual offer and more at N'gelt's display of tenderness. I'shan grinned and happily burrowed in beneath the covers. "I love you," he said again, with much more certainly and ease this time.

Ilveriath rumbled. It seems he does he murmured openly, to no one in particular. Reservations aside, Ilveriath saw no reason to complain. I'shan was happy, and that was all that mattered. The blue yawned and curled up, placing his head under one wing to shield it from the rain. He quickly dozed off.