Nightmares of the Past [B'jin]

R’nd gave a pained moan in his sleep as he turned from one side to the other. Sleep came easily and usually peacefully to him over the past few turns for reasons he never stopped to analyze with the nightmares lessening over time but occur they still did. Ayyonth was often quick to soothe them for his rider struggling within his mind but the fear and guilt were sometimes too strong for the young dragon to do much with and R’nd would wake in a panic and need a whole new wave of soothing and convincing that none of it was real.

This night was worse than it had been for quite some time despite the evening before bed being enjoyable and the attractive greenrider curled up beside him. Ayyonth was awake but quiet so as not to disturb Larrikith as he wandered through R’nd’s mind trying to chase the memories away. They had a terrible habit of popping up to play on R’nd’s guilt and ended up warped with events playing out that never happened. Ayyonth was always uncomfortable when the memories of the Plague were prominent and R’nd’s mind turned friends going between as Ayyonth leaving him instead. It was distressing but not enough to actually make the blue dragon vanish on the troubled ride who didn’t want it to happen but only feared it would.

Love always, Orwind.

Ayyonth cringed as the closing to an unsent letter they both had memorized was read. It wouldn’t have mattered whether the letter was sent or not since the outcome would be the same. They knew of his love and knew where his heart lied and the promises in the letter would be broken with or without the words being seen. The memories were shoved aside by the dedicated dragon and as R’nd settled down again, Ayyonth thought he was home free and could catch some sleep himself. Naturally, luck wasn’t to be on his side that night and it was too late. The Plague had opened the door of memories R’nd didn’t like to think about and the death of the classmates came next, young Orwind devastated by the loss of the boy that had become a good friend. It was something he blamed himself over. Not that he had the power to send dragons between but R’nd believed his interest in people was their downfall.

The girl from V’ler’s class – Ayyonth didn’t dwell on the name – that was lost during a practical class had brought up the memories and nightmares once again but B’jin’s distress and the copious amounts of alcohol the men had shared that evening had dulled R’nd’s own pain and the nightmares weren’t as bad or noticeable. It was odd that it was the death of T’shiro that seemed to bother R’nd and days after the fact as well. It wasn’t like he had seen the death or even been around to hear the keening that had been given for the bronze that had been sacrificed for the actions of a foolish rider. Yet, it had been a strong enough event to finally bring forth what was typically forgotten. There had to be another reason but R’nd’s scrambled memories weren’t sharing that with the dragon.

Finally, it was all too much for the bluerider that moaned once more before grey eyes were snapping open and a nonsensical garbled shout filled the room. R’nd slapped his hands over his ears as he sat up, begging no one yet everyone to make the noise stop. Hush now, R’nd. It wasn’t real; only a dream. There’s no keening, no blame. Let it go.

Cautiously, R’nd lowered his hands from his ears, testing to see if the keening really had stopped. Realizing everything was quiet and he was in a pitch dark room – which he thankfully noted as being his room and not suffering in the silence and darkness of between – R’nd took a deep and shaky breath before slowly letting it out. Both hands rubbed at his face before elbows fell to rest on his knees and R’nd cradled his head in his palms. He thought he had moved on and was finally over reliving the past but it seemed like that was never going to happen. The letter, however, was something he hadn’t thought about lately and it would have seemed odd to dream about it again if not for the date and the special meaning to him.

Rell wanted to comfort R’nd but Ayyonth pulled rank and ordered the blue firelizard to stay with the dragons and to sit down again. Due to B’jin’s desire that the Weyr not be shown what they got up to in bed, the flitter was often asked to sleep with the dragons and for the most part he was willing to go though it made for extra cuddling with R’nd on the nights B’jin stayed in the Weyrling Barracks to keep an eye on his class. Keeping Rell away for the time being was just one of the many things Ayyonth was doing to keep his rider calm as much as he was trying to invite B’jin in to help. With a frantic flitter flying around, they would both be on edge.

Talk to him, Ayyonth nudged B’jin gently, as he was always careful with the greenrider. B’jin spooked easily and he was too good to and for R’nd for an accidental scaring him off because of a bad prank or barging into his mind. It was a nightmare born of memories both real and warped. If he was lucky, talking to someone would help rid R’nd of the nightmares. If nothing else, it was a good way to get the eggshell-dancing men to talk and learn more about the other. It was strange to Ayyonth how they were still afraid to ask certain questions.

B’jin woke with a startled jerk when his lover was suddenly flailing around, the greenrider’s eyes opening wide and staring silently at R’nd as the younger man sat up, yelling something that B’jin’s mind wasn’t able to make sense of between his own fright and the way the words all ran together. He watched, quietly and pretending to sleep, as R’nd seemed to gather himself and sigh, the greenrider’s heart still pounding up somewhere near the base of his throat as he tried to calm himself without letting the bluerider know he was awake – or worse, that he had woken him.

The soft voice of Ayyonth caused a shiver down B’jin’s spine, but he did not move beyond opening his eyes rather than keeping them lidded in pretence of sleep. He did not want to intrude on his lover, and was willing to feign sleep to keep not so much the peace, but the carefully drawn lines he believed were required, and quietly obeyed, so that R’nd would not feel smothered by, or threatened, or annoyed with his presence. The dragon’s gentle nudge, and his low explanation were hard to ignore, especially when coupled with B’jin’s own concern and morbid curiosity; nightmares were terrible, but fascinating.

“Love?” B’jin’s voice was deeper than normal, husky from sleepiness and heavily coated in timid concern. His touch was light, but wary as he shifted his hand, resting it lightly on R’nd’s thigh just above his knee with an affectionate and reassuring squeeze. His other arm shifted, propping himself up on the elbow as he peered up at R’nd. He could practically feel the emotions rolling off his lover in waves like a dragon, and B’jin faltered, unsure how much of his attention was desired, and unsure how to proceed. He’d never dealt with a situation like the one he was in; the children’s nightmares were taken away with cuddles and gentle assurances until they fell asleep. N’mell’s nightmares had been taboo; he did not have nightmares, and he did not need consoling after them, since they didn’t happen! In a similar vein, B’jin opted to banish his own from his mind, and make as if he did not have any.

“Are you okay?” The question was weak; not from a lack of caring, but because B’jin was clearly aware of how stupid the question was, but he was unable to figure out another way to ask what he wanted to know, without sounding like a fool. He resisted the urge to withdraw in on himself, confused and unsure how to handle the situation, making sure his hand didn’t move. He didn’t want R’nd to misunderstand, or think he wasn’t interested or concerned, and he definitely wasn’t upset or angry and having R’nd think either thing about him would be horrible! But he didn’t want to make R’nd feel pressured either!

B’jin? Larrikith stirred lazily, confused by the distress her rider was feeling, particularly since he had been particularly content when he had fallen asleep, and she had been swept up into pleasantly lazy dreams herself. The little green shifted sleepily against Ayyonth, sighing out deeply as she fell asleep again, soothed by B’jin’s gentle apology and reassurances, and the solid presence of Ayyonth.

R’nd started to pull away from the touch and the softly spoken words but willed himself to stay put. He was so ashamed! Not only had he woken B’jin but he had forgotten in all of his terror that his lover was curled up beside him entirely. Before B’jin reacted to his negative reaction and shied away, R’nd placed his hand atop the one that rested on his thigh and gave it a squeeze, hoping his hand wasn’t trembling. “Of course I’m,” reflex was to deny everything, kiss B’jin’s nose, and curl them back up for more sleep but R’nd stopped the words. Pretending he was okay so he wouldn’t worry B’jin was still lying to his friend and lover and even when it was done with good intentions, R’nd still hated lying as much as he hated breaking promises. There was also the very real risk that B’jin would think he was being shut out and wouldn’t ask questions again. “No, love. I’m… afraid of my dreams.”

The words had changed, but R’nd still followed through with the other instincts and shifted around enough to place a gentle kiss to B’jin’s nose and selfishly, perhaps even uncharacteristically, slid back into lying down and snuggled close to B’jin in a valiant attempt to hold the greenrider close for comfort. He didn’t mind cuddles anymore though once he had more done them because the partner of the moment enjoyed them after sex but R’nd had truly come to enjoy the act and still marvelled over how well B’jin’s body melded into his. Cuddling is nice but it won’t explain what happened anymore than the lie would have. Trust him, R’nd. R’nd nodded against B’jin’s chest, giving away that he had been talking with his dragon.

“You know some of it already, like how I didn’t Impress for the clutch I was Searched for. But then the Plague hit and that clutch… sometimes I dream Ayyonth was from that clutch and he was lost. Keening still brings me back to that time… and to when I actually did lose classmates.” His voice was low, afraid to give voice to such dark things. B’jin didn’t need to know the details and probably could have done without any of it but R’nd was more babbling for himself in that moment as he tried to figure out what exactly his nightmares had been about to shake him up so much again. “But my family is also there. I… Eridella…” R’nd detangled himself from B’jin to sit up again and rubbed his hands over his face once more as well, trying to recall all the details. He did remember enough of the dreams over the turns to piece it all together regardless but it felt like there was something else hidden in there.

“The day we left, R’jit took me home, a final chance to make sure I was happy with my decision. I thought I was. I wrote a letter to explain what I was doing but Eridella was still awake and she found me. She knew without even asking, she always knew what I was thinking and what I wanted. I ended up keeping the letter and she gave me her favourite ring she always wore, making me promise to bring it back to her when the dragons were fine.”  He still had her ring. It was a little misshapen from turns of holding and fiddling with it but it was safe as R’nd lived on the belief he would see his sister again one day to return it to her as he promised. The letter, faded and rumpled, was still in his possession as well. It had been meant for the desk in his father’s office, explaining his choice in the confusing time but Eridella saw him and they said silent farewells instead.

Forgive me. I know you’re probably still not pleased I went with the Searchrider and now you’re probably worried with the dragons dying. I’m fine but I’m going to stay with them and maybe help save the dragons. I haven’t Impressed but my life is with the dragons now, not the fish. Please always think kindly of me and not as the disappointment in the family.

I love you all and will see you again soon.

Love always,
Orwind

That letter and his final words to his sister had been the last time R’nd had told anyone he loved them. Exile played havoc with everyone and young Orwind hadn’t escaped it either. While R’jit and he found companionship within the other, the loneliness still started to sink in and Orwind started to believe telling someone he loved them meant they would leave him and he’d never see them again. Getting too close was hazardous and R’nd still wanted to be friends with everyone but did his best not to let anyone fully in. Until B’jin. The greenrider had been a weakness since he was spotted after the reunion but for the longest time, R’nd didn’t know how to approach the man all the same. Now, B’jin was lying in his bed most nights and R’nd still feared that would end soon as well because he enjoyed it so much and didn’t want to lose the man.

Fingers, already timidly placed, would indeed have been removed within moments of R’nd’s startled motion, the greenrider opting in that moment to believe that he had either imagine Ayyonth’s voice. Or perhaps that the dragon was as muddled as his rider and had spoken not, perhaps, out of turn, but without truly thinking; it was clear R’nd did not wish to be disturbed and B’jin had barely began to think that he should have continued to pretend to be asleep, when R’nd’s hand was lightly atop his own. All in a matter of mere seconds, but it had felt like a lifetime to the greenrider and his over-active mind, and he looked up worriedly at the bluerider, eyebrows furrowing.

He would have accepted the gentle reassurance of the lie without question, and without fuss. Whether it would have provoked him to refrain from asking questions in the future would remain an unknown, but it is more than likely so. R’nd’s pause, however, before changing his tune caused the greenrider’s frown to intensify, and his lips pursed slightly as he considered the words. He was struggling with figuring out how to articulate a reply when a kiss was placed on his nose, and a timid smile curled the corner of B’jin’s lips as R’nd curled closer; he was startled, but wrapped himself around his lover without comment. The bluerider was sticky with cold sweat, but B’jin ignored it, fingers dancing lightly up and down R’nd’s spine in soothing strokes as he hummed placidly under his breath; his lover was rigid in a way that told B’jin his mind was still very active with what it had seen in his sleep.

B’jin listened, quietly and without comment, as R’nd spoke lowly of his dream, the greenrider’s brow furrowing once more with the seemingly consistently present expression. He tightened his hold, a warm squeeze of reassurance; only to moments later have R’nd struggling for freedom. B’jin released him, arms withdrawing to his own body in a fluid, worried action though he, too, sat up, the motion slow and reserved. He was sure R’nd was fidgeting from the nightmares and the emotions they herald, rather than his presence, but the greenrider was unsure; the situation was new and he was not quite sure how to handle it.

There was more babbling, and B’jin tried to focus more on the words spoken than the emotions they were given life on. The emotions were distracting, and commanding, but the words were where the information was contained. He shifted a little, sitting more comfortably and habitually shifting the blankets to keep himself modestly covered. Old habits were insanely difficult to break, and B’jin had always been shy. Leaning across, B’jin placed a gentle, affectionate kiss to R’nd’s temple, and picked up one of his hands. Fingers played with firm gentleness over the muscles and joints, massaging absently as he considered how to respond. Original words were never B’jin’s specialty, and delicate ones were even worse; he was incredibly paranoid about putting his foot in his mouth, which he knew only made the likelihood even more probable.

“You’ll get it back to her, R’nd.” He spoke lowly, brown eyes dark with intensity in the room void of a true light source, and focused on his lover’s anxious face. He smoothed the hand he still held between his own, raising it to kiss the palm. “She’d be proud of you.” He didn’t know the girl, but he knew his lover, and B’jin smiled with gentle honesty. “You’re smart,” he brushed a strand of hair back and touched lightly at the temple he had kissed moments earlier. “Honest, and caring.” His hand slid down to rest lightly on R’nd’s bicep, and B’jin smiled wanly, “You’re devoted, and do too much for those you care for, even when you shouldn’t!” A playful tone wove into the end of the sentence, and B’jin traced lightly under one eye, an image of that beautiful face marred by S’kef induced bruises flashing through his mind. “She’d be proud.” It was near whispered, but the intensity and belief were as strong as a shout, and B’jin believed it whole-heartedly.

If she was not, then she didn’t deserve her baby brother.

R’nd had never been the sort of man who believed crying showed you were weak but he was the type of man who believed he had to be the strong one so friends could always rely on him. Tears were still had but usually done more in privacy, at a death that touched him, or in joy like K’rin’s Impression. B’jin’s words, however, were breaking through the fog of confusion and turmoil from his nightmares and that was enough to make for a sentimental bluerider. B’jin had consistently struggled with giving compliments or listing things he liked about his lover, something R’nd found out early on and quickly guided them away from the playful conversation. To have the greenrider now listing his good qualities was surprising and touching. It was B’jin’s literal touch to his cheek that did him in though and tears slipped free to run over the gentle fingers.

Silently, R’nd reached for B’jin’s hand and brought it down to the blanket where he dabbed away the tears in silent apology. He wasn’t really embarrassed at the crying or upset over needing B’jin to comfort him when R’nd always wanted to be the one to provide his lover comfort and let him know he was always safe and welcomed. Tending to B’jin’s needs, even as small as drying a hand, proved the man’s words perfectly. R’nd was devoted to those he cared about and always wanted them to be happy, constantly putting them first. It was suddenly hard to continue talking about himself and his issues now that he was awake enough to realize properly he had woken B’jin and ruined any peace he had gathered for the night.

“I’m sorry, love. Go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.” A little sniffle was given as R’nd tried to suck back in the tears and emotions that had escaped. He knew he would be fine, he always was; for a while until it all started over again. It was always hard, though, seeing his sister glare at him with those accusing eyes. She hadn’t done that at the time, but fear had changed her gentle and understanding expression into one of hatred and abandonment. He had to believe B’jin was right; he’d see her again one day and he’d give the ring back to her. Assuming he could find her. She had been engaged shortly before the Plague, something he had been told in a letter delivered to Benden Weyr – another letter that he had managed to keep safe and intact throughout the turns – but she hadn’t given all the details of the man and Hold. There was also the strong possibility his family would hate him for vanishing and wouldn’t tell him anything if he returned North one day. He had abandoned them.

Suddenly, the niggling feeling that there was more to his dreams this night than usual hit him and R’nd’s posture slumped just the slightest bit as he started to massage and fidget with B’jin’s hand. His apology and idea to go back to bed were momentarily forgotten as the babbling took over again. “Today… Ayyonth is six but Rell… my sister, Eridella I mean. Did I ever tell you that’s how the cuddly blue got his name? Amorandii asked what his name was right after the accidental Impression so I blurted out the first name that came to me; my sister’s nickname I gave her when I was little and couldn’t say her name properly.” R’nd gave a short soft laugh as he realized how much he was going on about his sister and how odd it must have sounded. He adored her and thought she was the best person ever back in his youth but it had always been strictly brotherly! Still, he added to the pile of information and finished his thought that had been interrupted, “my sister is thirty-two today.” He had missed so many birthdays and he only had himself to blame. His impulsiveness had led him into the life he now loved and into the arms of the man he had held a crush on almost half his life – something R’nd liked to blur the numbers on to save his sanity – but why couldn’t he have both?

He gave up the love of his family for the love of dragons and the freedom the Weyr lifestyle seemed to promise him. What would happen if he fully gave into the love of that lifestyle and those important people in his life now? R’nd constantly believed he would lose them as well and that terrified him and he always ended up keeping people at a safe distance. B’jin broke through his barriers a long time ago, even he could see that but R’nd didn’t want to change it. He liked where the greenrider was with him and that scared him even more. A day would come when he did something horrible and scared his lover away forever. He wasn’t good enough for B’jin and B’jin would realize that.

As was the trend since waking, R’nd’s mood swung again and he went from misery to guilt. How insensitive was he for talking about his family? He didn’t know much about B’jin’s but it was still rude to discuss what was left behind in order to save their dragons, especially when the bond with the dragon was rocky to begin with. R’nd had been careful since first saying he was glad B’jin Impressed because they wouldn’t have met otherwise given the greenrider’s reaction was to emotionally shut down and over time point out a few times that he never wanted Larrikith and she ruined his life. Family talks were likely as taboo and R’nd was mad at himself for all the rambling he had done.

“I’m done now. Truly. Thank you for your words, B’jin, and your ears.” He wouldn’t mention his family again nor would he go on about how Ayyonth would fade away in his dreams or the void of between sucking them both in. They weren’t happy topics and B’jin already deserved a medal and an amazing gift for listening as much as he had. Copying his lover, R’nd kissed B’jin’s palm he raised to his lips and then shifted to kiss B’jin’s forehead. “Sleep, love.”

“Of course you will,” that was hardly a question; it was solid fact and B’jin stated it clearly as such. The greenrider had absolutely no doubt at all that R’nd would be fine. In that moment, however, the bluerider wasn’t and B’jin was tangled between the desire to please and do as he was told, and his determination to make his lover feel better about the demons swirling in what should have been pleasant dreams. He did not like the clear and solid realisation that R’nd suffered nightmares; his lover was so many bright and wonderful things, and he should be free from the weight of nightmares and fears!

He wasn’t given a chance to do either, as R’nd took up the gentle hand massage and once more let words tumble forth. B’jin listened with quiet intensity, enjoying the relaxing feel of his lover’s absent touch on his hand. He shifted a little closer, thighs touching, and B’jin wrapped his arm lowly around R’nd’s waist, leaving his other hand in his lover’s possession. “Ahh,” B’jin hummed lowly, voice thick with understanding as R’nd explained his sister’s birthdate, expression gentle with compassion as he kissed his lover lightly on the cheek. The adoration in R’nd’s voice when he spoke of his sister was not commented upon, because B’jin did not feel it odd or strange or even something noteworthy; had R’nd’s opinion of his sister been less, he would have been curious or confused. But his own relationship with his siblings was close, and he didn’t fully understand those that were standoffish with theirs.

R’nd finished speaking, and the greenrider watched with a quiet frown, as his lover visibly swung through another mood change, B’jin silent as he tried to anticipate what it would result in, eyebrows furrowed. The greenrider smiled slightly, eyes fluttering shut at the gentle kiss to his forehead, though he made no move to do as instructed when R’nd insisted he sleep. Normally, he would have, but something in the way his lover spoke and the sadness in his eyes warned B’jin that doing as he was told would not be a good call in the long run, and R’nd had yet to actually get upset with B’jin even being awake.

B’jin paused for a moment, before lying back down. He pulled the blankets up, and tugged R’nd gently to join him; snuggling close to the other man, he rested his head on his chest. Finding R’nd’s far hand with his own, B’jin wove their fingers together gently, the action absent and distracted as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say, and how to say it. The past was dancing before his eyes, and B’jin wasn’t sure why he felt sharing it would be the way to banish it, or the way to avoid whatever it was being quiet would call up, but he wanted to repay R’nd for his trust, and he wanted to share something with his lover. He spoke of the memory R’nd’s nightmare had brought forth in B’jin, cuddling against his lover to both give assurance, and to claim it.

“Moramanda’s birthday is next month.” B’jin paused for a moment, then continued. “She would be forty; her little girls should be twenty-three and twenty-one.” His voice was soft, but devoid of any real emotion. “They never made it over the ocean. Namdith was bigger than Larrikith, and M’ram was worried about Larri being able to make it across, so she wouldn’t let us ferry one of the girls, and N’mall…” B’jin paused again, sighing softly with a little shake of his head. N’mall had been pissed because B’jin refused to ride with him on his brown, and have Larrikith ferry only herself. In petty revenge, N’mall had refused to carry either of the children. B’jin didn’t say that, though, he just carried on with the same vague, emotionless voice, leaving the comment about N’mall unfinished.

“There was a bad storm,” he curled closer, feeling cold as he remembered the event he’d gone so thoroughly out of his way not to remember for almost two decades. “Larrikith was struggling, and N’mall was trying to help, but Larri hates his dragon, so she kept faltering to snap at him. M’ram was screaming at him, because they wouldn’t get out of her space –” Larrikith was a proud dragon; adding in her dislike for the brown wasn’t helping anyone and Moramanda had been so angry. “I just wanted them all to shut up, and the girls were crying – they were only toddlers! – and we had all dropped in altitude; no one noticed. N’mall was screaming too, and the dragons were all screeching.”

A shudder swept through B’jin, and his fingers twined with R’nd’s tightened for a moment; his voice was rich with emotion now. B’jin had never spoken of the events – he’d never had anyone to talk to about it. N’mall had been there, and like all the other emotional points in their relationship, such things were taboo. B’jin would not have received sympathy from his mate, and would never have expected to. N’mall had his own demons to contend with, and B’jin knew on some level that the brownrider was guilty; his nightmares had given him away. “There was a wave, and it swallowed them.” B’jin still didn’t know how he and Larrikith had avoided the watery grave, and likely never would. N’mall had been higher, and while he swore black and blue he had not seen the wave coming, B’jin knew Larrikith didn’t believe him. B’jin chose to, because the other option was something he could never cope with.

“We don’t know…” B’jin faltered and fell off, whispery voice breaking and he shook his head again. Had his beautiful little sister and her daughters ended up between, to freeze for an eternity until they realised they’d never see daylight again, and died? Or had they truly found their end in the depths of the ocean? All B’jin could imagine, either way, was the horrified terror of those two little girls, and he clung tightly to R’nd; there were no tears, but the distress was clear and B’jin picked up his quiet narrative swiftly, trying to banish the horrible imagery.

“I used to drink on her birthday.” It was stated quietly, matter of fact. “We took the kids camping last year,” it was probably the first time he didn’t spend the entire week drenched in alcohol and memories of the past. He couldn’t remember the year prior to that, and so he assumed he’d been an alcohol sponge, like all the others. “And we found those little rats with wings; Moramanda loved firelizards. She had one, before she Impressed, that she had used to send me letters.” He couldn’t even remember its colour, never mind the little creature’s name. He had hated it, the spoiled, naughty little thing, and he blamed it as much as himself for making Moramanda’s desire to Impress that much more vividly imaginable. If she’d been more heavily restricted in her contact with him, he expected it would have remained a fantasy instead of something she ended up obtaining.

“Amorandii looks just like her.” There was pain woven into the sentence; B’jin had spent many of those nights drenched in alcohol too. He’d never gotten to see his little sister grow up as an active member of the family, like he did with Amorandii, but he had visited the family at intervals during his youth, and seen her make the progress from his mother’s heavily pregnant stomach to the bright and proud little girl who idolised her big brother. That, too, was something Amorandii did with Talian that was just as painful a reminder of the sister his daughter looked so much like. He’d watched her suddenly become a young woman, and he’d seen the way she played every card to earn a spot on the Sands, and he was rigidly determined that Amorandii would never become her Aunt in that regard; that she would never Impress, and have a dragon steal her life away from her too soon.

B’jin may not have had any tears but R’nd had more than enough for them both. Silently they fell as B’jin shared his memories of the time no one liked to remember, let alone talk about. When his hand was held tighter, R’nd held B’jin tighter with his other arm, not wanting his lover to feel alone in such a time. How could he think sharing his horrible nightmares and talking so kindly about his sister wouldn’t lead B’jin to the same topics with his own experiences and family? He was such a self-centred jerk! R’nd wasn’t too fond of himself right then though his fears weren’t wiped out by his anger aimed at himself but by concern for B’jin.

Every time N’mall was brought up, however, anger did try to flare up, like it did when S’kef was mentioned. Both brownriders were horrible people but R’nd was currently counting himself in the same league as them with how he had behaved in bed that night from the moment he woke B’jin. He couldn’t imagine how any of the fighting could even happen. Yes, tensions and emotions were high during the crossing and fear for oneself and dragon seemed to rank higher than the lives of the ones close by but how could N’mall not help? B’jin didn’t have to say much on the subject; R’nd was good at filling in the blanks when it came to some topics.

For his own journey with R’jit, he had been a teenager but a bit on the skinny side and didn’t add too much of a burden to Gamalieth, his Searchrider’s large blue. They had both packed rather lightly; sticking mostly with clothes, bedding, and items to help with survival. No one believed they would be gone forever and a lot of personal items that didn’t have extreme sentimental value had been left behind. He hadn’t known B’jin back then thanks to being from different Weyrs, but R’nd couldn’t help but wish R’jit had managed to cross paths during the voyage with B’jin and Moramanda to help them. The thought of that poor family, lost to the sea or between tore at R’nd’s heart and the tears continued to fall freely and a sniffle escaped before the bluerider could stop himself. He didn’t want B’jin to know how he was being affected. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed since he had already cried over his own memories before his lover but R’nd worried it would upset B’jin and make him worry as well.

It was almost odd how one story conveyed so much about B’jin. It was an important story so on some level it was to be expected but R’nd felt he understood his lover a bit better than from all the others combined. Well, he corrected himself as he brushed his cheek on the shoulder furthest from B’jin to wipe away the tears, the story about how he Impressed Larrikith was extremely telling as well. This, however, seemed to show a reason why B’jin didn’t like the firelizards besides them being plague-carriers. His sister had had one that she would have naturally adored and now the little buggers were everywhere and served as flittering reminders of a loved one lost. In away, naming Rell after his sister had the same affect on R’nd though most of the time it was comforting to be able to say her nickname aloud.

There was also a glimpse of more to the relationship with N’mall, how the crossing went, and that B’jin loved his family and was truly as caring a person as R’nd had always believed him to be. It also showed no one had a perfect and charmed life, even the dragonrider R’nd had put on a pedestal upon first seeing B’jin. It almost made him love B’jin all the more. It was a sign for how tired and drained R’nd was that he didn’t even notice how he thought about the greenrider he continued to hold close.

“My sweet greenrider,” R’nd whispered, voice cracking throughout the sentence as he tried to control his emotions and not speak too loudly. “You can always come to me when you miss them and need to drink or want company. Even silent company. I’m always here for you, love. I’ll always enter your flights and I’ll always listen and hug you. I promise.” Ayyonth crooned softly, echoing R’nd’s devotion and sappiness though Larrikith seemed to be content in her slumber. If nothing else, R’nd needed to know he wasn’t alone in the sentiment and that he wasn’t making a fool of himself by saying such things in place of any other words that should have been said. R’nd didn’t think there were any other words though. He didn’t fully understand any of the pain B’jin had been through and to say that he did or even to say sorry for it happening seemed like he’d only be making a mockery out of the memories.

Despite that thought, R’nd still felt the word on his tongue and he finally let it out after a kiss to the top of B’jin’s head, “I’m sorry I made you think about such things again, B’jin.” Their linked hands were lifted for R’nd to place soft and fleeting kisses on each of his lover’s knuckles. He knew there were some dragonriders, blues in particular, that didn’t like to kiss as it was too intimate but R’nd took pleasure in each one he gave and received. They conveyed so much and seemed to be useful for their relationship when words were failing or not strong enough. It was a good thing B’jin never seemed to mind how many were given to him or all the varying kinds!

“It seems to be a curse of mine. I inadvertently hurt or upset the people I love the most.” He didn’t mean to leave his family behind for more than half of his life and he definitely didn’t mean to give B’jin fuel for his own nightmares. It was yet another reason why R’nd always believed he would be shoved aside. He wasn’t as kind and sweet as everyone thought and people would find out one day and he’d be all alone once more.

Soft brown eyes lifted, meeting watery grey with warm affection as R’nd spoke lowly and B’jin waited patiently for R’nd to finish the flutter of kisses along his knuckles before leaning in to kiss the bluerider lightly; he could taste his tears. Shifting carefully, B’jin freed the hand not joined with R’nd’s own to brush his thumb gently under his lover’s eye, sweeping away the tears there. “Ah, love,” B’jin murmured softly, “Don’t be sorry; sorry is for when we are in the wrong, and you have done nothing wrong.” There was a gentle, teasing edge to the words but the words held a serious, insistent edge to them.

The follow up comment caused B’jin to pause for a moment, before he shook his head gently and shifted to cuddle against his lover. “The ones we love the most, are the easiest to upset,” B’jin pointed out reasonably, his voice low and gentle. “They’re the ones we know best.” The greenrider shrugged lightly where he was now curled against R’nd. “Most people don’t set out to cause the people they love pain, so such things don’t cause ripples for very long.” Like R’nd’s Impression to Rell; hurtful, but not spiteful. B’jin would even conclude his reaction had been far more hurtful to both of them, than R’nd’s actual Impression; the bluerider hadn’t wanted the firelizard, and he certainly hadn’t obtained it to spite B’jin, though the greenrider’s actions had heavily indicated those were what he believed, despite knowing better.

Smiling gently, B’jin shifted to lift himself a little so he could kiss R’nd lightly on the lips. His words, unintentionally providing an explanation for his long relationship with N’mall, were not without the heavy weight of belief. The greenrider had never been under the impression that N’mall’s actions had been designed purely to hurt him; teach him, punish him, certainly – but designed to hurt him out of spite? B’jin had never been able to understand why his sister, or Par'a (the only two people B'jin knew to know about that aspect of his relationship; it was, however, one of the worse kept secrets among many of the brownriders) got upset when N’mall expressed the hurt B’jin caused him with physical retaliation. If he hadn’t hurt N’mall first, N’mall wouldn’t have had to react! B’jin was perfectly convinced he deserved such reactions, and when he took the time to think about it, was surprised he hadn’t been punished for kicking the man out all those turns ago. That wasn’t a thought to linger on, however, when with R’nd; the bluerider was so much more than N’mall would ever hope to be in B’jin’s eyes, though the greenrider was still not quite to the point of entire awareness. Oh, he knew he loved R'nd, but he was far from aware of how, or why, those emotions varied so differently to the love he had, and still did, to some degree, felt for N'mall.

“You caused yourself as much pain by leaving, as you are likely to have caused your sister. There is nothing to do for that, my love. That is past.” His words were gentle, but held a softly lingering tone of affectionate amusement; any reference to himself in R’nd’s words were either lost on the greenrider, or pointedly ignored in order of not bringing undue attention to something neither of them were entirely ready to consciously acknowledge. As a result, the comment still held the double weight of his relationship with N’mall and B’jin actively adjusted his thought process to escape the haunting of the brownrider. “We will go home, someday, though… think instead of how thrilled she will be to see you alive, and well, and bonded to that beautiful sea blue dragon!” B’jin tapped R’nd’s nose playfully before cuddling close once more, tucking his head under his lover’s chin and puffing out a content sigh.

He smiled as he listened to the sound of R’nd’s breathing, stroking his lover’s chest with smooth motions as he murmured lowly, voice somewhat vague as he put words to the imaginary scenario. “I won’t see you for months!” there was teasing amusement in the words, “she will demand to know everything that has happened to you, since the moment that dragon took you away. The trip, and the time in exile; what happened and how you felt when we all joined up here at Katila – ‘but why did you all stay!?’” his voice altered to imitate a woman’s quiet, shocked demand. “Your Impression to Ayyonth, of course, will take at least three times the amount of time to fully explore,” he was teasing, but also serious. B’jin remembered clearly the demand for every moment, even from those that had been present at the scene. He expected R’nd would find far more enjoyment in reliving his Impression than he had ever found in his own.

“There will be tears, and joy, when your clutchmates are brought up. It could have been you! It wasn’t, but it could have and that is both terrifying and thrilling. You will probably haze over your first flight, because she’s a lady (and your sister) and she will blush prettily until you bring Benden up, and then you will be squirming for hours while she demands all the details on him, and then she will want to meet him. She will insist he looks just like you, even if he doesn’t,” amusement was vivid in B’jin’s low, sleepy voice, and his hands slowly faltered and fell still. “And you will tell her what a fat little rolly-polly baby he was. She will try very hard not to turn the conversation to her own children, and press on to a new topic entirely focused on you, probably asking if you and Volfetti are involved, and you will be suitably horrified by the idea of being married to that grumpy wh-wherry,” the word was broken by a sleepy yawn.

“M’ram would love you,” B’jin murmured, far more asleep than awake as he snuggled closer to R’nd, and entirely unaware that he had completely jumped subjects. “You don’t –” the word was lost to a heavy yawn, “me.”

A weight was lifted when B’jin insisted there was nothing to be sorry about and R’nd began to relax in his lover’s arms with each word. They were both tired so it was understandable that R’nd focused on the soothing timbre of a softly spoken B’jin, allowing himself to be caught up in the explanations without thinking too hard on the actual subject that he himself had brought up. It was better that way. He was already emotionally charged and only starting to come down and return to the blissful hold of slumber so rational thoughts would be unobtainable by the bluerider. Physical acknowledgement of what they had between them, however, was always accepted and R’nd moaned under the gentle kiss and tried to snuggle a little closer without looking like that was what he was doing.

B’jin was right about the pain. He had caused himself a lot if he still had nightmares and thought about his family he had abandoned for a friendship that was still growing at the time and the love of dragons that had grown since being surrounded by them daily. It was hard to say he fully regretted his decision since if he had stayed North, he wouldn’t have Ayyonth and would never have met B’jin or Kerrin and I’shan. In fact, thinking about a life without Ayyonth and a Weyr to call home made him cringe as much in that moment as it did thinking about it when he was a young boy. He’d be long married by now with several children of his own. Sure, he had Benden but Volfetti hadn’t demanded they be mated and live together. He’d also be stuck in the daily cycle of the seacraft. Rising early, preparing the boats, fishing all day, returning the catch, going to bed early. R’nd never liked it back as young Orwind and still wasn’t fond of it though he did silently thank his father at random over the turns since the fishing skills helped R’jit and him in exile.

“Eri has Pen at least; our older brother. She always spoiled me but they still got along well,” R’nd quietly offered up a little more information about his family in a pause B’jin gave him. Nothing more was said on his eldest sibling though it wasn’t done maliciously. R’nd liked his brother but had always been closer to his sister partially due to their ages but also because Pendalier was their father’s heir and he made sure he’d be the best one Pandar could hope for. Pendalier was missed like his father was as well, but it was Eridella and their mother that always broke R’nd’s heart when he thought about home.

“I hope so,” again R’nd whispered, any energy he had from their short rest having drained out of him from the nightmare and emotional ups and downs. He hadn’t seen the North since they left it thanks to Ayyonth being too precious to risk in the eyes of those in charge. Before that? R’nd liked to assume he was never chosen to help in the North because he was too flirtatious and his good looks would draw too much attention. Even with his fears of not being accepted by his family upon seeing them again, R’nd still wanted to go North once more and see more of the land. B’jin had seen so much and his stories sounded so interesting! His mood was once again lifted by his lover’s perfectly timed words and touch and R’nd chuckled at the poke to his nose and the fact that he had bonded to a dragon that matched the sea. Some would see it as an example that he never truly escaped his old life but R’nd only hated the routine and fishing – he loved the ocean, water, and swimming. Bodies of water were made for fun, not work!

As B’jin spoke, it was easy to bring to life everything he mentioned. Every single one of those questions would likely pass between Eridella and himself and it was oddly extremely comforting. It was definitely something he’d revisit when the nightmares and fears tried to take hold of him again. “I’d like you to come with me when I get a chance to visit them,” the offer was barely a whisper but held all of R’nd’s usual sincerity and more. He’d be terrified to go alone and found quiet strength in his greenrider. B’jin was also someone important to him and R’nd couldn’t see his reintroduction to his family happening without having the man that would star in some fun stories there with him.

The sudden switch from one sister to another didn’t surprise R’nd or insult him. They always had random conversations – usually in bed as well! – and he always craved learning more about the greenrider so it never bothered him. The fact that the sister B’jin obviously adored and missed as much as he missed Eridella wasn’t lost on R’nd and had the bluerider smiling. He frowned soon after when a word was lost to a yawn and R’nd wondered what it was. He wasn’t quite awake enough to decipher the sentence and everything they had talked about nor was he in the mood to play madlibs and toss every verb he knew into the blank. Instead, R’nd countered the snuggling with some of his own, trying to adjust the sheet covering them with one hand while not disturbing either of them as he wriggled closer.

As sleep finally jumped on an opening to claim him once more, R’nd decided he still needed to say something in return to such kind words, even the lost ones, and said the first thing that came to mind on the subject. “And I know Eridella will love you as much as I do.”

B’jin snuggled closer to his lover, pressing an affectionate kiss to the bluerider’s neck. “I would like that,” he whispered in reply, almost draping himself half atop his lover as he kept trying to inch closer, feeling both affectionately clingy and protective. He would have liked to be able to offer to return the favour, to take his lover to meet his sister and brother, or maybe drag him to the Hall to meet some of his teachers, but B’jin held no illusions about any of them being alive any longer.

He was on the brink of his fifth decade, and his parents he was sure would certainly have left the land of the living many years ago, between the time of the plague and that moment. His siblings… B’jin was not as sure about them, but he did not hold out any true hope of returning to see them alive. He was as sure of his Master’s death as he was of his parents. Dragonriders were gifted with lengthened lives, and of long-lived youthfulness. What would his dear bluerider think, when he realised everyone that had held a role in B’jin’s youth was likely dead, if not grey from old age? Best, really, not to think of such things! They were depressing, without worrying about what they might cause R’nd to think.

B’jin sighed deeply, throwing any such thoughts to the wind in exchange for feeling warm and comfortable with how he was sprawled across R’nd with the blanket now pulled up around their shoulders. The deepening silence offered an escape back into the world of sleep, and B’jin was more than happy to take it up on the offer. Placing another lazy kiss on R’nd’s neck and nuzzling closer to the other man, he was feeling both the desire to be clingy and affectionate, but also that to ward off any other nightmares from interrupting their sleep, or causing his friend distress.

Reaching out blindly, B’jin found R’nd’s hand and wove their fingers together, drawing his lover’s arm up to their chests to be more comfortable, and gave in to the blanketing of sleep, letting consciousness slide away as R’nd spoke again. The greenrider gave a happy hum, not nearly awake enough to process the comment; it would become something he was sure he’d dreamed, and not a dream he would likely ever feel comfortable sharing with the bluerider, who was known to be flighty. The greenrider’s body relaxed as sleep gained control, turning the comment into a pleasant dream as he slurred out a sleepy ‘love you, too’ in reply.