Past and Present [I'shan]

It had only taken a minute or two for N'gelt to come out of his flight-lust clouded mind for him to take in the female form before him. Inhaling sharply he let out a loud sound of disgust and thrust Jada away from him quite forcibly. Curling his lip he pushed himself into a sitting position and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Alcohol still pumped through his system and the world spun for a few moments. He hung his head till everything stilled then stood, slower this time to avoid the world spin. Glancing around he grabbed his clothes, tugging on his pants and shoes but making for the door with his shirt clenched tightly in his fist.

He didn't close the door as he left, stumbling over the threshold. Regaining his footing he rushed forward, not really aiming to go in any particular direction bar away from the filthy woman. N'gelt had worked with Jada to an extent during his time as Weyrsecond. In his eyes she was just another one of those wishy washy women, another Tsuen in the works. Idiot Goldriders, the lot of them.

He slowed to a shuffle after passing a few huts, continuing to travel throughout the outer Weyr. He wasn't sure how long he had been walking before he came to a stop, leaning against a hut. In the back of his mind he felt a wave of lust wash through from Saquith as he descended and found a place to curl up with Krypth. N'gelt growled beneath his breath, what a traitor!

After a few minutes he slipped down the hut wall, landing with a bump on his hip. He groaned, letting his head thud against the wall. The world tilted in the opposite direction for a few seconds before quickly snapping back in the right direction. He felt a sick pang resonate in his stomach as it did. A moments pause, then he was on his hands and knees. Whatever scant food he had consumed quickly came rushing out with a flood of booze and bile. Coughing he shook his head, something he instantly regretted. Once his vision cleared he spat and leaned back against the hut with a sigh. Any desire to move from that place drained out of him as his dragon's sleepy content made itself clearly known within his mind.

I'shan didn't care about the gold flight...at least not at first. He was sitting in his kitchen pondering dinner when Ilveriath alerted him to the news, which put him in an oddly conflicted mood caused him to fixate on his dinner even more. I'shan didn't mind N'gelt, his once-upon-a-time-and-maybe-still Weyrmate flying with another dragon. Shards, he'd have jumped for joy at Saquith catching a gold if it still felt relevant to him in any way. It had been a long time, though, and his and N'gelt's last encounter hadn't exactly been favorable.

I'shan was pretty sure he had scars. He couldn't see himself and anyone else he'd been shirtless with was too polite to comment, but the differing texture of the skin told more than their words could, anyhow. It didn't hurt anymore and the normally vain bluerider wasn't too worried about it, but it was probably due to his refusal to think about it. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about R'nd sitting guilty in his hut to N'gelt running off afterwards without comment.

Shards, it hardly even seemed real. So why get worked up over some scars that he couldn't even see?

Hearing about N'gelt now, though, sent the bluerider shivering. He still had a lot of affection for the man, but did N'gelt miss him at all? Did N'gelt know that he'd been unfaithful? Did he care? Were they even together anymore? If anything, N'gelt was an on-again, off-again at this point, but I'shan still missed him.

He frowned at the news and sank lower in his chair. Squee chittered softly and curled in his lap, unusually quiet and sweet due to his bonded's distress. Ilveriath, too, projected his supportive love to his rider. Ilveriath had never reached the point where he was comfortable with N'gelt, and while he couldn't generally remember why, this was evidence enough. The mere thought of the man sent bright, cheerful, sweet I'shan into a state of confusion and uncertainty, and that was a crime.

I'shan was still sitting there later when Ilveriath alerted him to N'gelt's approach. I do not believe he knows where he is the dragon said cautiously. He may have been wary of N'gelt, but he loved his rider..he loved him, and he could sense that if he let N'gelt stumble past unannounced, I'shan would be angry over it, though why the dragon couldn't fathom. To Ilveriath, people who cause pain should be avoided...but humans seemed to work by different rules.

He's here?

Just outside. He left Jada in disgust

I'm not surprised

I'shan sighed and rose to his feet. He willed Squee away, hoping sincerely that the little beast would obey him for once. N'gelt wouldn't appreciate him. The brown chirped and vanished, though how long he'd be gone was anyone's guess. Outside, Ilveriath curled his neck around the hut and watched N'gelt with suspicion, but his loyalty to his rider overrode his negativity towards the man. He looks unwell the dragon warned.

After peeking though Ilveriath's eyes, I'shan realized N'gelt was right outside his living room window. He slid it open and poked his head out. "....N'gelt?" His tone was hopeful, frightened, tormented, uncertain...everything at once, and yet fantastically blank.

At first N'gelt didn't notice Ilveriath's head curling around the hut to stare at him. When he eventually registered the blue snout in his vision he started, frowning in an attempt to identify who the disembodied head belonged to. Well this clearly wasn't his hut, nor any Bronze, Green or other Brownrider's. That only left... a lot of huts. The attempt to try and figure out where he was made his head throb so he left it and just stared back at the suspicious Blue.

When the window slid open and someone spoke N'gelt jumped, cracking his head on the windowsill. He yelped, tears forming in his eyes and stars in his vision. Whimpering, a rather unbecoming sound from the Brownrider, he gingerly rubbed the spot he had hit and waited for the dark spots to dissipate. Once they did he looked up, making sure to avoid the windowsill at all costs. In the darkness it took a while for N'gelt to be able to identify who exactly he was staring at. Really, it was more the voice that put the pieces into place.

"I'shan...?"

How had he ended up here? Of all the huts he had managed to land outside the one he'd been avoiding all these months? He cursed inwardly at nature and luck. Sly women, they were.

Guilt and pain, emotional this time, rushed through his mind and heart. That day came rushing back like a charging bull, unavoidable and dangerous. He whimpered again and the tears that had formed spilled down his cheeks despite his fiercest attempts to keep them at bay. Ashamed, he quickly ducked his head down, cradling it in his arms as he hugged his knees tight to his chest. His body trembled, overwhelmed and unable to handle the emotional turmoil the night had brought upon him.

Amidst the sobs there was a soft, choked out sound.

"S-sorry... I'm s-so sorry..."

Oh...it really was N'gelt.

I'shan looked out the window, eyes locked on the man who he'd always so admired for his strength. Now, though, N'gelt looked anything but strong.  He was obviously disoriented, upset...and at first eye contact, I'shan was nothing but pain and what really amounted to panic.  I'shan watched in shock as the brownrider curled up and choked out some words that the bluerider never expected to ear.

He was sorry?

I'shan frowned. His first instinct had been that N'gelt was apologizing for the flight, but were they even together anymore? I'shan surely didn't care if N'gelt flew with a gold. But then, the bluerider realized that this wasn't so simple. The pain and guilt he saw could have only been caused by one thing. I'shan's resolve weakened for a moment as he peered out that window, hand lightly clutching the windowsill and hear fluttering in his chest.

"You're sorry?" I'shan asked weakly. His eyes filled with tears and be backed away, placing his fingers under the windowsill and lifting it, closing the window and retreating back into his hut.

N'gelt was sorry? Sorry for what? Lashing him? More like abandoning him, lashing him, and then abandoning him again! The little bluerider was overcome with a whirlwind of emotions, pain and anger and resentment and fear and sorrow and sympathy...It was like he didn't even realize how much he had missed the brownrider all this time until that moment, but even that was a lie and he knew it. He remembered the lonely nights where he'd sat alone, wishing for nothing more than to get just the smallest acknowledgement form the man, but no! The job was too important. Being a manly brownrider was too important. I'shan was just a silly little bluerider, who would never be that important to anyone.

I'shan.... Ilveriath said softly. I'shan hugged himself and quietly acknowledged the dragon. Ilveriath didn't have any advice this time, though. He simply pressed himself close, making I'shan feel safe and wanted. The bluerider slowly rubbed his eyes and sighed, basking in the dragon's soothing presence for a long few moments before he went around to the door. He swallowed hard, opened it, stepped outside and rounded the corner.

"N'gelt? Are...are you okay? Do you need to come inside...?"

When I'shan questioned his words N'gelt simply nodded, unaware that the Bluerider had backed into his hut and couldn't see him. After a prolonged silence with no sound other than his own gutteral sobs he lifted his head. Thick tear tracks shone faintly on his cheeks, his vision blurred as they continued to well in his eyes. He rubbed his eyes roughly with his shirt and looked around, mindful of the windowsill.

I'shan was gone.

His shoulders slumped down and he hung his head between his knees. It seemed obvious to his addled mind that he had clearly ruined any chance he had at recovering their relationship now. I'shan only had to see the dishevled, crumpled soul curled up outside his window to finally reject him. He looked up, staring at Ilveriath with defeat.

"You should never have let him come back." He murmured. Even in his drunken state N'gelt remembered that awfully similar night all those months ago. It seemed that Saquith had made the wrong decision in keeping Ilveriath at N'gelt's hut that night, only pain seemed to result from N'gelt and I'shan's relationship.

This brief moment of clarity faded quickly as he felt his dragon's presence brush against him in query. N'gelt pushed the Brown away, told him to enjoy his prize. Saquith didn't persist.

N'gelt hung his head again.

It shocked N'gelt again when he heard I'shan's voice. He was... back? A frown creased his brow though he didn't jerk upright again, there was no energy left for that. The man before I'shan was utterly defeated, having given up on life with a partner or as one himself beyond his dragon. Perhaps that was the only partner N'gelt was destined to receive until they died together.

I'shan's words took a few moments to register. He was asking about his wellbeing? Why would he care about his wellbeing? N'gelt had avoided, lashed and abandoned the little Bluerider. He didn't need to show kindness or even civilty to the Brownrider. Not now, not ever. N'gelt didn't deserve that. What he deserved was a taste of his own medicine.

Eventually, he let out a snort of disgust.

"Am I okay? Sure. Let's go inside and I'll fuck you again, that will make it better. Right?" His voice was dark and full of loathing. The sane part of him knew that the words he spoke would be misinterpretted as anger towards I'shan. That wasn't true, but it appeared that way, the angry rider snarling at his little 'pet'. Something inside N'gelt's mind seemed to snap at this realization. Uninhibited, his mouth ran free.

"I can't do this anymore! I tried you know? I tried to protect him. Keep him safe. We left the Weyr every day, visited all the isolated places I could think of. But it got hard. And he couldn't be bothered. So he stayed in the Weyr. And she died. I tried to save him! I cut the rope, there was blood everywhere. But no! He fucking went ahead and died. I just wanted to keep her safe!"

N'gelt paused, his breathing heavy and laboured. He turned his body and pointed square at I'shan.

"Then you. I found you." He dropped his arm to support his body but continued to stare at I'shan, tears still streaking down his face.

"There was something different. I thought, why not, I can try again right? It was hard. Years of casual fucks is hard to break, you know. I tried. I was getting there! Then he fucking shows up in here!" N'gelt pointed at the side of his skull. "And he just won't go! Telling me it's too hard and he can't do it no more. I almost lost you because of him!"

He quickly rubbed the shirt across his cheeks as he inhaled deeply.

"We fixed it... But not enough. I gave you space but it must have been too much. Go away, come back, go away come back. You never make up your mind! Then R'gell makes me whip you! What sick fuck makes you... makes you whip your lover? I ran, I couldn't... I couldn't face him after that..."

In his emotional state N'gelt's words tumbled over each other, meshing together and screwing up his memories. C'ole and I'shan's relationships interwove in his mind, so similar yet so different at the same time. The anger faded from N'gelt and his posture relaxed again, his shoulders slumping and his gaze finally dropping.

"How can I be someone's mate?" He whispered.

I'shan listened, quiet and initially stoic.  There was a faint glimmer of confusion in the little bluerider's eyes, accented by curiosity which soon shifted to concern. He listened as N'gelt spoke, blank expression gradually giving way to concern, perplexion, and maybe even a trace of fear. N'gelt's words made no sense. Who was he talking about? Who had died? Who was R'gell?

I'shan wasn't stupid, though. It didn't take him long to figure out that N'gelt was talking about some past lover. The bluerider's eyes welled with tears as he listened to N'gelt's continued rant, listening to his harsh words about both his own past and their pasts together. I'shan winced at what he perceived to be accusations, hanging his head in shame and clenching his jaw in an effort to swallow his tears. Always delicate but usually flexible, the bluerider tried to hold on and keep his emotions in check, but this was something new and terrifying; he'd never seen N'gelt like this before, and he wasn't sure if it was a good sign or a bad sign for either of them, or for them together.

"N'gelt," I'shan whimpered at length, blinking and sending a tear rolling down one cheek. He folded his hands behind his back, trying to hide the way they shook. He couldn't tell if N'gelt was angry at him, leaving him, disgusted by him...or were they even together anymore to begin with? Was I'shan just being compared to this old mate? Or was N'gelt being hard on himself out of..guilt?

I'shan never had mastered reading other peoples' emotions. The bluerider had spent much of his life self-centered and oblivious, and when scolded by others he tended to lament getting in trouble more than feel bad for whatever he'd done to get scolded. In those moments, he was so worried that N'gelt was rejecting him that he had a hard time letting the actual words sink in. He hates me. He's angry at me.

Ilveriath's soft voice resonated softly in the back of his mind. I believe he needs you, I'shan the dragon said, masking his concern as well as ever. The dragon's soft confidence gave I'shan the bravery to pry his eyes from his feet and face the brownrider. The wilted little bluerider took a slow step towards him.

"N'gelt...I...I don't know what you're talking about," he said. "Please...just..come inside. Please?" He slowly extended one hand, sniffling and wiping his eyes with the back of one hand. "I...I want you to tell me all about it. I'll listen to everything you have to say."

He sniffled again and swallowed hard. "He...how did he die, N'gelt? Was it..." ...the plague? It must have been.

I'shan trotted closer and snatched the man's hand in his, tugging him impatiently and almost desperately towards the door. His breaths were shallow and frantic, as if he was pushing himself though fear.

"You don't know? How can you not... Look at what I did!" He exhaled, feeling the anger curling up in his stomach again. His fingers instinctively tried to form fists, making him clutch the shirt tighter and dig lines into the dirt. What pale light the moon and stars had been offering began to fade as the thin and spare cloud cover thickened.

At first N'gelt didn't see I'shan's extended hand. It wasn't until tiny droplets of rain landed on his bare skin that he looked up. He flinched, having not realized how close I'shan had gotten. Why was he close? How could he want to be close to... to this monster? N'gelt let go of his shirt and grabbed his knees, hugging them tightly to his chest. Dirt smeared across the nice cream fabric of his pants, while his tears began to leave little damp spots on his knees.

When I'shan asked about C'ole's death N'gelt froze. His breathing stopped and for a few seconds all that moved was the tears down his cheeks. He coughed, air catching in his throat as he tried to force himself to breath again. The rain was settling in now, the droplets beginning to soak through his hair and pants. He shook unwillingly, his body overcome with emotion.

As he opened his mouth to finally answer a small hand siezed his own, yanking him onto his side. He sprawled, looking much like a hatchling finally free of its egg. I'shan's grip remained tight though, he had no choice but to follow the daintier rider. N'gelt had never felt such strength from his... were they even partners anymore? Astounded at I'shan's determination and oblivious to the Bluerider's own emotional state he followed like a ragdoll.

The door snapped shut and they were on the couch. The rain was heavier now, as if trying to outdo the emotional turmoil transpiring within the little hut.

"He..."

C'ole.

N'gelt jerked sharply, almost sending himself onto the floor as he heard his dragon's voice. Love and care enveloped N'gelt like a blanket as the Brown backwinged to land beside the hut, his eyes whirling a peculiar mix of bright yellow and deep blue.

"When did you..." N'gelt breathed.

You are hopeless without me. The Brown's words were open to both Ilveriath and I'shan, now was not the time to hide from them. The time for hiding behind his rider from the Bluepair was over.

N'gelt whimpered, unsure how he felt anymore beyond small. Like a tiny child, unable to tell right from wrong.

Tell them about C'ole.

He nodded slowly, taking a great, shuddering breath. "C'ole... We were drunk... He made me realize I loved men, not women. Three years we were together... R'gell made me whip-"

Watch. Saquith supplied, watching the memories resurface and sorting the confusion between C'ole and I'shan apart.

"Watch...? Watch." N'gelt repeated, staring into space as the memories cleared. "Made me watch him be punished... For riding Green and ignoring orders..."

He paused for a few minutes, the memories flicking through his mind. The deep-rooted hatred of Greenriders had to stem from somewhere and perhaps this was it. N'gelt didn't acknowledge it though.

"When dragons got sick, I made us leave. Go anywhere, everywhere. Away from the Weyrs. Then one day..." N'gelt trailed off, the tears and sobs starting anew. The memory played so clearly in his mind that Saquith took over, sensing his rider unable to continue.

C'ole refused to go with N'gelt anymore. He said, "I can't keep doing this N'gelt. Following you at your beck and call, it's wearing me down. I can't stay with you, N'gelt." Saquith paused, struggling to stay on top of the intense waves of pain he was receiving from his rider. The words were like an untreated wound in N'gelt's mind, a place that would never truly be healed, somewhere that would always hurt.

"...I left. I couldn't let Saquith get sick. Then she got sick... Etegeth got sick." N'gelt stopped again, resting his head on his hand with his elbow on his knee.

As soon as she was gone we returned to Telgar. It was too late, C'ole was hanging in their weyr.

"I tried! I tried to cut the rope but it took too long, the bottle wasn't sharp enough." N'gelt took his hands and stared at them. There were very faint thin lines on them as he stretched his fingers back. The skin paled and the scars stood out, little marks all over his palms.

The rain pelted on the roof, a steady beat filling the silence. N'gelt couldn't talk anymore even if he had wanted to. The tale had been told, but it was the first time he had thought about it with conscious effort since Katila formed. Pain welled within him as he cried, barely able to feel even his dragon's presense.

I'shan... Saquith said softly, but even he couldn't find the words. How could either of them apologize for the hurt they had put I'shan and Ilveriath through? A dark past was no excuse, every dragonrider had experienced the plague to some extent. No doubt others had their own scars trying to save their own lovers. The Brown sent as much love as he could to the Bluepair. He loved them both as N'gelt did and had in his own way mistreated them. A pang of regret eminated from the Brown. He should have known better, but of course. Hindsight is a cruelty.

I'shan curled up, pulling his feet onto the couch and leaning pathetically into N'gelt's side as the man told his story. I'shan was weak for the the touch of a strong man, but seeing his strong man such a weak state left the bluerider speechless and uncertain. He hugged himself self-consciously and buried his face in N'gelt's shoulder, listening and trying not to add his own tears to the mess. The rain outside conveniently muffled his weak whimpers.

It explained so much. I'shan found himself frequently surprised throughout the fractured narrative, though Saquith's helpful efforts to fill in the gaps made things a bit easier for him to follow. The smaller man could feel his throat tightening and his muscles stiffening with anxiety as the tale went on, before ultimately cringing from the gruesome end.

Like most riders, I'shan didn't like discussing the plague. He was a day to day sort of person and generally counted himself as happy to just be alive, but he could remember it as well as anyone. He remembered losing his mother shortly before the dragons started falling ill. He'd been so dependent on her; it's like with her gone, there wasn't any reason for the world to hold itself together anymore. Everyone he knew started to fade away around him, he just never got around to fading away himself. His classmates, gone. His teachers, gone. His wingmates...gone. Ilveriath had been so young, and he was so very small for a blue. I'shan could remember how fearful he was as they set out across the sea. How could so fragile a dragon hope to make it?

Somehow, they had. I'shan didn't bother to question how. Now, as the memories came back to him, he was tempted to spew about his own fears and horrors, but he stopped himself. He opened his eyes and frowned at N'gelt, realizing that he had no desire to burden the man further with his own selfish impulses. This was N'gelt's moment of weakness, if it could be called that. I'shan had plenty of them already. Maybe it was more a moment of honesty.

"Thank you for telling me," I'shan said softly. His sizable petty side wanted to be offended or hurt that N'gelt had never told him before, but for once he didn't need Ilveriath to remind him that it was an unrealistic expectation. With N'gelt's past habits in mind, I'shan almost felt like the tearful confession was some sort of rare gift. Ilveriath, more cautious and less naive in general, was more surprised. He gave Saquith a delicate mental nudge of thanks and returned to his task of calming his bonded. Ilveriath's warm strength kept I'shan from coming unglued, just as it had for so long now.

I'shan peeling himself away from N'gelt and rubbed his eyes. "I...I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say," he said softly. He really didn't. A younger or less serious I'shan might have been worried that he was being compared unfavorably to some dead lover or something equally stupid, but he simply didn't know what to make of it. How could you comfort someone when they'd just told you something like that?

He tried to think of what Ilveriath would do if it were him. Then, with that in mind, he put his arms around N'gelt and hugged him tight. He heard Saquith whisper his name, but he had no way to respond.

N'gelt made a small sound somewhere between a grunt and a whimper, acknowledging I'shan's thanks. It was something any sane person would have admitted the first time it came up in the relationship, or at least after a year of a strong relationship. But N'gelt could barely deal with his own demons, let alone relive the tale and tell someone, even if it was the man he loved. He waited, part of him expecting I'shan to tell him about a skeleton in his closet but it never came. Unsure if the silence between them was better or worse he gave a great shuddering sob, though the tears had started to slow.

Saquith returned Ilveriath's mental nudge with a gentle physical one, curling up beside the smaller dragon. He tucked his head under his wing and let out a sigh. This was going to be a long and potentially interesting process, but hopefully a healing one for the two men. He let his presence sit against N'gelt's mind, supporting him and providing all the love he could. It relieved the Brown to feel his support doing something noticeable and positive for the first time in the past few months.

When I'shan withdrew from his position leaning against N'gelt he let out an involuntary whimper. While Saquith was supporting him mentally, he was also finding it in I'shan physically. He didn't have a chance to react to I'shan's absence or even his apologies before the Bluerider was back, cradling the burly Brownrider. Slowly N'gelt raised his hands, first gently then more firmly grasping I'shan's arm across his chest.

"You..." N'gelt coughed, trying to clear his throat from all the mucus. "You... don't apologize. It's not... not your fault." He said, barely audible over the rain. He inhaled, slow and shuddering breaths as he tried to get his tears and sobs under control. While the former had slowed enough that his cheeks were starting to dry, the sobs still persisted. After a few minutes he seemed to have gotten them under control. Silence broken only by the rain enveloped the pair.

Some time later N'gelt cleared his throat. "I'shan... I, I'm sorry for abandoning you... and... running after D'ren..." The breath caught in his throat and tears threatened to start anew. He left the sentence hanging and changed track. "I've been a horrible partner... Hell barely a partner after that." He sighed.

"Can you ever... forgive me?"

I'shan frowned. His glassy, tear filled eyes grew wide and gradually peeled themselves away from N'gelt, his face filled with a blend of emotions. He was happy, concerned, angry, and uncertain...How could he forgive something like this? How could N'gelt forgive him for his own transgressions?

"I didn't think you wanted me anymore," he said in reply. He sighed and curled up closer, as if pressing himself into the man's side would make everything better, or perhaps just let him disappear. "N'gelt? I need to tell you about something," he mumbled into the man's side, barely aware of his own words and yet distantly horrified all at once. How could he tell N'gelt? Couldn't he just keep the secret and move on with life, hoping his partner would never find out? N'gelt would never trust him again!

But shards, how could he? N'gelt had just wept for him, just told him the secrets he so stingily clung to all these months! N'gelt had made himself vulnerable and now stood begging for forgiveness, his strong facade abandoned and his pride laying in tiny pieces all over the sharding floor. Would withholding I'shan's own secrets make him the bigger monster now? Could N'gelt ever forgive him? Would he? Or would he just regret the gift he'd just given the nervous bluerider?

I'shan lost his tenuous hold on his emotions and burst into soft tears, face still buried in the larger man's shoulder. The bluerider's thin body trembled just slightly. He'd already started to talk, so he saw no reason to stop now. They have shared with us. You I hope that you will share in return his dragon whispered reassuringly.

I'shan pulled himself away and rubbed his eyes. "N'gelt? I thought you'd left me," he said, frowning. His face lacked it's usual energy and his previous excitement. He looked drained, haunted even. "I didn't think we were together anymore. I thought that...that you didn't want me anymore. I spent a lot of time sulking, but then I...well, I started..."

He chewed on the inside of his cheek. "I slept around, N'gelt. A lot." He didn't apologize, because he didn't regret it. He was sure he would regret how it would make the browenrider feel, though. "I didn't do it to hurt you,  I just...I was lonely."

When I'shan spoke, N'gelt winced. It hurt to hear the words actually be spoken, even though he had suspected them to be there already, just as a silent presence. His grip loosened and his hands dropped down into his lap. He essentially had abandoned I'shan, how else was he expected to have felt? He frowned. So concerned he was about I'shan's first words that he didn't hear him continue to mumble into his side. When the Bluerider burst into tears against him N'gelt looked down, trying to shift enough to see his love's face but without disrupting his position too much. When this didn't work well he instead shifted his body, snaking his arms around I'shan's body and squeezing him. There had been enough tears already, there didn't have to be more if he could help it.

He sniffed loudly when I'shan pulled away, letting his arms loosen and drop. He kept one hand on the small of the Bluerider's back, watching him with interest. The words I'shan spoke made him wince. Never had he thought they had truly separated... But what relationship entailed of month long separations, or even longer, when they were within walking distance of each other. While that made him ache inside, what followed made his entire body stiffen. His fingers curled into a loose fist against I'shan's back. It wasn't anger at I'shan... But what was it?

Saquith gave a small creel. Is it... jealousy? He offered. N'gelt had never really experienced it, at least not while allowing Saquith to feel it. The emotion was strange for the dragon to feel, odd and slippery. He didn't like it.

Jealousy... N'gelt repeated. Could it be? Jealousy that I'shan had let others sate his needs while he abandoned him? Perhaps. If it was, it wasn't just that though. There was something else. Something he hadn't felt for a long time. Despair. Had he really done it this time? Gone so far that he was losing the man he loved, again? He groaned quietly, using Saquith's firm presence as a mental crutch to lean on. Now it was his turn to be speechless. This wasn't a heated confrontation of an affair but a solemn admission of a wrong made.

He was silent for a long time, trying to digest the news he had just heard. He believed I'shan when he said it wasn't intended to hurt him, yet it still did. Not only because I'shan had cheated but because he had forced the Bluerider into such a situation that he had been so lonely and isolated. He opened his mouth and looked up to meet I'shan's eyes. What few words he had summoned to speak fizzled out and vanished when he saw the tears on his face. Were there even words right now?

It was Saquith's gentle mental nudge that finally made N'gelt close his mouth. He reached out and grabbed I'shan, pulling him close and holding him as tight as he could manage. It was all he could manage right now, the physical gesture that he hoped I'shan realized was him saying 'it's okay'. It wasn't, but there was nothing they could do to fix their individual wrongs but embrace them and move on.

"...I love you." He whispered.

I'shan closed his eyes and sat perfectly still, fragile hands trembling in his lap as he listened to the painful silence. N'gelt was going to hate him, wasn't he? N'gelt was so jealous and protective, vicious even towards I'shan's friends, much less towards the idea of sharing his lover! What hope did I'shan have of reconciliation now, and after all the risks N'gelt had just taken! I'shan was disgusted, wincing, waiting with fragile dignity for his punishment. He was going to be hit, he just knew it. He was going to be pummeled like a whoring greenrider. R'nd and B'jin were going to have to scrape him off of the walls.

All of his wincing and anticipation came to a sudden end when he felt the man move. I'shan cringed one final time before realizing he wasn't about to be beaten, but rather embraced. He was so surprised that he remained stiff for a long moment, but as the realization crept over him that he was not about to be destroyed, he found himself sinking into the other man and wrapping his arms around him. Was everything okay? Was this N'gelt's way of forgiving him?

I love you

I'shan's eyes sprung open. N'gelt loved him? He slumped, shocked by the confession and wholly unsure of how to respond, but increasingly aware of his heart pounding ever faster in his chest. N'gelt loved him. Had anyone else ever said such a thing? I'shan had experienced tender and intimate moments with many other people, friends especially, but they had always given their hearts to someone else, at least in that capacity. Someone loved him?

He squeezed the brownrider tightly. "D-do you r-really mean it?" he asked, not daring pull his face away from the man's shoulder. 'Do you mean it? You love me? And you w-won't leave me alone again?"

I'shan's stiffness didn't go unnoticed, though it wasn't acknowledged. Everything was playing out completely backwards tonight and I'shan's shock came as no surprise. He held him close, his body relaxing when I'shan returned the embrace. He frowned a little as the Bluerider slumped when he spoke, it wasn't quite the reaction he had expected. Then again, what exactly did he expect? A brilliant fanfare and forgiveness? Rejection? A door, slammed in his face or perhaps that well-known awkward silence.

When I'shan finally did make a move, N'gelt exhaled with relief. The tightness of his arms around him was reassuring, something he hadn't felt from I'shan for a long time. They had embraced each other in the past, of course. But through his own doings, this closeness had been gone between them for too many months. I'shan's words weren't the ones N'gelt had thought he'd hear and yet they didn't surprise him. Of course I'shan would question his admission. Who in the world would have expected the rough and brutal Brownrider to admit he actually loved someone? And no less, a man he had treated atrociously at times.

Well. Love didn't exactly make sense, did it?

N'gelt reached one hand up to I'shan's hair, toying with it between his fingers. "Yes." He murmured. "I want only you." He ran his fingers gently along I'shan's scalp, tracing abstract patterns on it. "You won't be alone until I die." It was a promise, one N'gelt was determined to never break. This was his one chance to fix things and he wasn't going to screw it up again.

Amidst it all, doubt flickered into his mind. Was this what I'shan wanted? He placed his hands on I'shan's shoulders and shifted, holding the Bluerider at arms length. He stared at him, the doubt clear on his face. "That's... if that's what you want." He bit the inside of his lower lip anxiously, chewing at it while he waited for an answer.

I'shan continued to embrace the other man, hands shaking lightly as he leaned into N'gelt's warmth. "You really promise?" he repeated, almost disbelieving. His voice was so small and fragile, like it could be lost on the smallest breeze...not unlike the bluerider himself. He was thin and wispy, looking and feeling helpless in the brownrider's arms, but as he listened to N'gelt's continued confessions, he realized that he was the one holding all the cards.

I'shan wasn't used to power. He pulled back from N'gelt and looked deep into his eyes, face torn between hope, anger, guilt, and desire all wrapped into one. He frowned. Was that what he wanted? I'shan didn't regret the time he'd spent with R'nd while N'gelt was gone, but was that the same thing?

No, not really. R'nd's heart belonged to someone else, and they'd been exactly what I'shan thought they were even at the time: two friends bonding. What he felt for N'gelt was no less powerful, but certainly different. He also never could have imagined that the biggest, meanest watch wher on Pern or even the Red Star itself could pry such emotion from the brownrider.

I think he really means it... I'shan thought weakly, hopefully, and fearfully. N'gelt was sincere? He would really stay this time, and not leave I'shan to rot and wallow in his loneliness? They would really be together this time, bound by the brownrider's confession of love?

The little bluerider's eyes watered, and he closed them to keep his vision from growing too blurry. He blinked the tears away before throwing himself at the man, looping both arms around him again. "I do!" he said, his admission bursting forth after those long moments of hesitation and fear. "I do! But please don't leave me again. I don't wanna be alone anymore!" By the end of his little spill, his muffled whimpers had progressed to outright sobbing.

Silence is said to be golden, but tonight it was far from it. N'gelt's breathing was shallow and his eyes seemed to be haunted as he watched his once weyrmate. The thoughts in his mind were slowing, stacking up against one another in a colossal pile. They pressed against the edges of his mind, threatening to overwhelm him into a state of nothingness. Saquith's firm presence wrapped around his mind, holding the terrible thoughts at bay.

He could see the emotions and thoughts flickering across I'shan's face as the Bluerider processed his words. It had been a long, arduous year since N'gelt had been promoted to Weyrsecond. His shoulders slumped as he thought about that time. It had started out so brightly, there was now power wielded by the couple and they were both overjoyed about the promotions for varying reasons. The work had been so fulfilling that N'gelt slowly began to favour it over his weyrmate... eventually so much so that he would be considered a workaholic. When D'ren informed him of I'shan's misdemeanour it had come as such a shock. I'shan had started a fire...? With someone who he wouldn't admit to being with?

It should have been the alarm bells in any other relationship, but instead N'gelt doled out the punishment like any other. But as he brought the whip down each time his past had resurfaced unwillingly. His resolve to stay and care for I'shan broke and he fled, avoiding the Bluerider for weeks. Then when D'ren was poisoned... Then it seemed there was no going back to fix the mess N'gelt had created.

The breath caught in his throat as he noticed the tears forming in I'shan's eyes. He wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not, after all tears were usually a sign of sadness. He forced himself to inhale, about to speak, when I'shan threw himself at him. He ran his hands down the Bleurider's back, a soothing gesture before holding him tightly against himself. Guilt swelled in his mind at his words... He shouldn't have to clarify something like that and yet, here they were...

"I won't." N'gelt said firmly. He rested his chin on I'shan's shoulder, giving him a tight squeeze. There was nothing more to say in his mind, the only way to prove his promise was to wait and see what the future held.

Uhh closer? haha. Idk what else to do with them now >.>