Bluerider Blues [B'jin]

Six days.

Six days and seven hours to be precise.

One hundred and fifty-one hours since B’jin made last contact with him, but who was counting?

R’nd shuddered again at the memory of the look B’jin gave him during the firelizard discovery when he came in to rush Amorandii and Larrikith away from the creatures.

And him.

R'nd didn't blame B'jin for that reaction or how he had kept his distance since then. Firelizards had picked up the plague and spread it to the dragons, causing widespread pain and heartache. He knew he had been lucky, so to speak, by having not been at Benden long enough to forge tight friendships nor did he have relatives that were dragonriders. He still felt the loss and remembered it as clearly as the true survivors though. Even as the little blue firelizard ate from his hand that day on the beach and bonded with him, R'nd wasn't sure what to do or feel, convinced the firelizards would be bad news and that they would end a lot of relationships. After B'jin's anger at the eggs being discovered and whispers that they contained firelizards, R'nd was the first to know what that adorable little lizard clinging to him meant.

He was going to lose the man he counted as one of his closest friends and someone he cherished.

Still, it hurt when it happened just as it still hurt six days later.

Perhaps the plague had affected him in some way without him knowing about it, along with the exile. He hated having people hate him or want nothing to do with him. It was likely why he was so friendly to the point of complimenting and flirting with everyone he came across. R'nd liked having friends and everyone happy with him. Any time someone was upset with him without it being mutual -- like with Kerrin and the arguments they often had, or the deep seeded hatred for S'kef -- ate away at the bluerider to the point that he was miserable when alone in his hut, which in itself was ironic given his need for friends stemmed from his fear of being alone. In a way, it was why he never did commitment and loved the gossip saying not to get attached to him. If he ended up attached to someone, they could hurt him more easily if they decided they didn't want him anymore. It also meant if he was with just one person, it might upset another. There was more than enough of him to go around!

Except there hadn't been lately, had there? Somehow, somewhere, his bed wasn't as open to the public as it normally was with less and less being invited over until it was solely B'jin that visited. Well, until I'shan needed comforting and they ended up sleeping together and had a few more times since then. And wasn't that just an entirely new bag of guilt to go through! He'd refocus on that later, if it even mattered anymore with how he didn't even have the greenrider's friendship anymore. For now, R'nd was happy to wallow in the guilt of accidentally Impressing a firelizard he didn't want at the time and was only earlier that day fully starting to warm up to as more than a host hoping to make a guest comfortable.

It was because of the understanding he had over B'jin's reaction and Ayyonth's belief everything would work out as it was meant to that R'nd never once sought out the man. He had never pushed B'jin to share anything about his life when he didn't want to and never made him do anything he didn't want to do. Chasing him down now and begging to keep their friendship wasn't something R'nd could do even though he had wanted to after the first night of sulking and having too many drinks alone. Instead, he tried to come to terms with the firelizard he had named Rell when Amorandii had been bouncing around, excited, and looking for a name. The little blue had been named after a nickname he had given his sister while in shock and barely functional but R'nd felt she'd approve and would even like the little guy and how affectionate he was.

He had also spent some time with a few of his other good friends, something he hadn't entirely negelected over the months but it still felt slightly different. Word had spread within the first day that B'jin hadn't been pleased and rejected R'nd because of a flitter and the bluerider found he received a lot of looks of pity from the ones who knew and those that didn't know made comments about how odd it was to see him without B'jin attached to his side. They hadn't done everything together! Apparently they did enough for it to seem like they had, though.

That evening, he was alone in his hut again with a bottle of wine in one hand and Rell curled up beside him. That was something the miniature blue enjoyed doing, almost too much so. He craved affection -- whether because the reception he received at Impression was a bit chilly or not R'nd couldn't decide -- and liked to stay near R'nd when either of them was sad or it was time to rest. Rell had even taken to stealing a section of his now far too large bed. That was a habit that would have to be broken for when R'nd started to entertain again. He was certain lovers wouldn't want a firelizard walking or sleeping on them. Maybe a little blanket nest on the table beside the bed would keep them both happy.

Idly, R'nd reached over to pet Rell, finding a bit of comfort in the act as he took a swig from the bottle of wine. "I'm sorry I wasn't nicer when we met. I was surprised; shocked, really. I shouldn't have even had a single thought that you were to blame for my new exile." It was a wonder he was still functioning with all of the guilt he was currently living with! "I guess you kind of are... but you weren't there when the plague happened and I still have Ayyonth now. So I guess you aren't to be blamed now either." While it was natural to talk with Ayyonth and know he'd get a reply, when the dragon wasn't in a mood to tease him by ignoring him, it was odd talking to the firelizard despite the way he had perked up and turned to face R'nd as he spoke. The soft chirp he received after all the babbling made the bluerider smile and with another swig, he decided maybe it was better when the blue couldn't speak and argue with him.

"Ayyonth still talks to Larrikith, from across the weyr of course, but that's a good sign. Even if I don't get my friend back, I'm glad our dragons keep in touch. They're rather fond of each other," as Rell tilted his head, as if wondering why R'nd was babbling about dragons and their relationships, R'nd chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry. I'll be quiet now and let you sleep."

B'jin was in pain. He wouldn’t admit it, and was doing a damned stubborn arsed job of pretending otherwise, but Larrikith knew the truth. She could see it in the way he slumped as he walked around the hut aimlessly, and the puffy little sighs he gave when his mind wandered. Larrikith was in pain too, from the pure stupidity of it all. How hard was it, to say sorry? To acknowledge that he’d been an idiot and make up for it? Of course, Larrikith conveniently ignored the part where she was near impossible to get an apology out of and that she was never, ever wrong. But that wasn’t important right then, what was, was her stupid human huffing and sulking as he poked aimlessly at tasks that should have already been done but hadn’t, because he couldn’t seem to keep his wandering mind off a certain subject.

B’jin had been angry at first, the deep and terrible rage that so rarely surfaced. The greenrider had a long fuse, and a generally timid nature, and while he was prone to waspish remarks at times, the generally known greenrider was never one to get angry. Seeing B’jin truly angry was like seeing blood thirsty dandelions. It just didn’t happen. But B’jin was as capable of being wrapped up in rage as anyone else, and when he had seen his dragon on the edge of a gathering, firelizards fluttering around, his daughter squealing and R’nd holding her with one arm while a firelizard attached itself to the other, B’jin had seen nothing but red. Those were his babies, and someone he trusted was putting them in danger! The greenrider had swept in on a wave of fury and literally snatched his daughter from his lover, not seeing the trusted bluerider, but the scene he’d walked in on several turns ago – poor little Indamor sprawled on the floor with the imprint of a hand across his cheek while Nemall stood over him cursing up a storm.

No one hurt his babies. No one. The angry Weyrlingmaster hadn’t said a word as his candidates fled in every direction and baby firelizards squawked. He had hoisted his daughter onto his dragon and the three had vanished between, leaving the confused class in the traitorous bluerider’s care. How could he?! B’jin’s mind had been little more than furious burts of outrage when he had slid from Larrikith, sending Amorandii to the bedroom crying and confused while he stalked around the hut, and managed to break three plates in his snarling attempt to put the cleaned dishes away. It hadn’t been a good evening, and in the end Larrikith had called Amorandii’s mother’s blue to come and pick up the child, who was still upset and confused by the elements of the day and daddy’s bad mood. Wasn’t he happy to see the mini dragons? They were so cute and Uncle Orwind had got one too! Wasn’t that cool?

He’d meant to speak to D’ren about the firelizard discovery that day, fearful of what leaving him to find out by other means might mean for himself, but B’jin wasn’t prepared to speak to the Weyrleader while he was still spitting more flame than a stone filled bronze. He wasn’t stupid, and he’d been man handled by the bronzerider one time too many to trust the other man completely with important news and high emotions. B’jin had slunk over to see him the next day, and been sorely disappointed when the man’s reaction was cautious but not overly excited one way or another. B’jin had slunk back out feeling betrayed and angry all over again, no longer feeling he had the full justification that had fuelled the pure rage he’d angled at R’nd barely a day prior. The greenrider wasn’t that easy to crumple, however, and his fury ignited all over again as he twisted the situation to lay a fresh bout of angry disgust at the Weyrleader’s feet. How could he take this so easily? Didn’t he see how awful the return of the firelizards was? The horrible little creatures were a painful nuisance all on their own, never mind the destruction they had brought crashing down upon the heads of the Weyrfolk! B’jin hated firelizards, he had always hated the little critters – they were annoying, noisy, rarely trained worth a damn, thieves and they killed the dragons!

That had managed to fuel him for the next three days – four days without R’nd – four days while he justified his anger and outrage and refused to see anyone at all; his lover, his friends, his children. Larrikith only got passing attention because she was in his brain and he couldn’t push her any further away without severing their bond (he wasn’t entirely sure that was even possible but he was pretty sure if it was, that would be just his luck, and it would be disastrous and, of course, all the fault of those fucking firelizards!)

Then, with careful manipulation by Larrikith, the guilt came crashing down. He’d been avoiding all his friends, and his family, even his dragon – all because of those firelizards. That, of course, wasn’t at all acceptable. His friends, his son, his lover – all of them embedded with the filth of firelizard touching their minds, but they were still his friends, were they not? They still cared for him, didn’t they?

Did they? B’jin hadn’t seen nor heard neither hide nor hair of any of them in the time since the lake side event. Did they really care? Did anyone care? It had taken Larrikith, harsh and honest as ever, to come parading in and crash through his illusions; after all, how could he expect any of his friends to come to him, when he had so blatantly slammed all the doors in their faces, and then nailed them shut? How could he expect them to chase him, when he didn’t indicate that was what he had wanted? Besides, up until two minutes ago, he had still been cursing their names. That was hardly fair!

Larrikith was right though, and B’jin spent the next day – or was it two? – sulking to himself on the couch while he scribbled dramatic and particularly depressing images on sheets of paper that were shoved on top the bookshelf where his children wouldn’t accidentally come across them. Not that he expected either of them would understand the dark and shadowy images, but he didn’t particularly fancy them asking questions or getting nightmares from the images. His bed, while uniquely empty and large (had it always been so?) was missing an occupant that certainly wasn’t his sweet children. B’jin planned to call them both to his hut and spend a day or three spoiling them to make up for his bad mood. But first, he had other people to see, and other situations to fix (if they were capable of being fixed) before he sought his children. They were young, forgiving, and more likely to forgive him than a jaded lover.

B’jin shuddered as he slipped through the darkness of the Weyr preparing for night, feet knowing the path to take without the need for sight or dragon wings.  A path he hadn’t travelled in six days. Six long days without so much as even seeing the familiar and favoured face of his lover. He missed the smile, and the light in his eyes and the gentle touches. B’jin was trembling by the time he reached the doorway, eyes wide with the terror of facing his lover; as much as he knew, trusted, that the bluerider wouldn’t hurt him… B’jin shuddered as he fingered the handle, tentative and terrified. Admitting he was wrong, that he was sorry, wasn’t the hard thing, the simple act of facing his lover was frightening the wits out of the poor greenrider.

Gentle encouragement from Larrikith, as she appeared outside the hut and landed, pressing her rider on even as she trotted over to Ayyonth and pressed against him in delight, pleased to see the blue after an eternity of being locked away from him. B’jin’s numb fingers twisted the handle, opening the door timidly as R’nd spoke of letting someone sleep and the greenrider froze, door only open a few inches. Did he have someone over? Was he interrupting? What should he do? Should he go in anyway? Did he announce himself? Had they noticed the door open? He should close it and leave, shouldn’t he? What if they were…

Still frozen with indecision, wide brown eyes flooded with tears, and toppled down his cheeks.

While R’nd was rather observant to things that didn’t pertain to emotions, Ayyonth knew his depressed human that was trying to get drunk again would miss their visitors since neither man seemed ready to open the door further or notice it had been cracked open just enough to let sound out. A little more assistance seems to be in order, he informed Larrikith even as he returned her nuzzles and crooned at seeing the pretty green once again. Life was rather boring without her mischief but with R’nd moping day in and day out!

R’nd, the human in question startled at hearing his name and while he recognized the voice as easily as he did his own, grey eyes still cut to Rell, almost convinced the firelizard could speak to him. Ayyonth had been quiet all evening and it was to Rell that a one-sided conversation had been taking place. After a second of feeling foolish for thinking that at all, R’nd took another swig of wine, Yes? He was actually almost afraid to ask that, unsure about what Ayyonth could be angling for that night. I want nothing more than for you to go to the door. Someone’s on the other side.

Frowning, R’nd eyed the door and saw it stood open a few inches. He knew he had closed it behind himself when last he came in since keeping the world outside was a goal of his lately. There were really only two people – now at least – that would come in without knocking or announcing themselves but it was odd that either of them would hesitate after starting the motion. “Ker? Shel?” R’nd called out softly, utterly confused. He knew it wasn’t trouble and S’kef wasn’t waiting outside to finish the job of kicking the crap out of him since Ayyonth wanted him to look. Too curious to sit around wondering all night, R’nd stopped wasting time and went to the door, nearly empty bottle still in hand. It was better to be safe than sorry!

He never would have guessed B’jin would be on the other side of the threshold when the door was pulled open. In fact, the entire Katilan population would have been ranked above the greenrider – B’jin’s soul-sucking son included. His breath hitched on a gasp and his mind worked frantically to figure out what was about to happen. Would he be yelled at? Did B’jin want something he had left behind? Had Amorandii been injured in some way that day and B’jin only know remembered he hadn’t murdered R’nd for it? “B’jin, I…” any excuses, pleas, or begging for forgiveness were lost when R’nd saw the tears streaking down cheeks he had kissed and caressed more times than he could count.

He shouldn’t, he knew that, but in the end, R’nd still wasn’t good at dealing with his emotions and thinking things through – though over-thinking landed him in just as much trouble – and he did it. The wine bottle was forgotten and dropped as R’nd stepped forward and drew B’jin to him at the same time, wrapping him in an embrace he had longed to do for six days and seven hours. “Are you okay? Is Amorandii okay? What’s wrong? I’m sorry, B’jin.” His words were quickly spoken into the top of B’jin’s head as R’nd worried something had happened to bring B’jin to his door crying. He wanted to help! Help with whatever the issue was, help soothe the pain, and simply hold B’jin until everything seemed right to the greenrider again. R’nd liked to think he was useful but he knew he really wasn’t and playing a distraction or someone to cling to was all he was really good at.

The thought that B’jin may have overheard anything said to Rell and was misunderstood never crossed R’nd’s mind. He would easily believe he was at fault for causing further pain but not over a comment about sleeping firelizards.

As quickly as he tossed out questions and apologies, R’nd realised what he had done and let go of B’jin and took a step back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes downcast as he took a sudden interest in their feet – his were barefooted while B’jin wore lightweight shoes. The contrast was a bit odd. Worried that he had done more harm than good and that B’jin might think such an attack would happen again, R’nd slid his arms behind his back, lacing his fingers together to keep from touching. No doubt he looked like he was six again and waiting to be scolded but with so much guilt over misbehaving, he felt about that old as well.

Larrikith didn’t respond to Ayyonth’s quite comment, though her agreement was issued with a low croon, partly of amusement and partly of dry exasperation at the irksome nature of their silly humans, her own in particular as he battled internally about what, exactly, he should do. It was probably a good thing that R’nd had chosen to follow his own statement and remain quiet; Larrikith wasn’t sure B’jin would have hung around if the bluerider uttered any further nonsense to the tiny dragon that was a part of the current issue. While Larrikith knew why B’jin was so distressed by the firelizards and their existence, she failed to comprehend the ridiculous idea that R’nd’s Impression had levelled him to the same range as Nemall. The latter was clearly a vile monster; R’nd was most certainly not. It hadn’t mattered, though, not while B’jin was angry. Larrikith had tried to make her skittish human see sense. In the end, she’d had to wait for his temper to cool.

B’jin swallowed a yelp at the sound of R’nd’s soft voice, one hand rising to slam over his mouth, the greenrider only then becoming consciously aware of his own tears. His eyes widened further, terror rising as he completely missed the sound of R’nd walking; the door being pulled open from under his numb fingers, and tear flooded brown eyes lifted to look at a face he hadn’t seen in far too long. B’jin’s breath caught, gaze locked solidly on the bluerider’s face, and he swayed forward unintentionally at the soft sound of his name, eyes widening emphatically. He felt as if he hadn’t seen the bluerider – his bluerider – in an eternity, and his eyes searching R’nd’s face were oblivious to the bluerider’s expectation to being scold, but not to the evidence of days of unhappiness.

Fingers, left empty and unsure after the door was swept away, rose timidly, but were unable to make their mark before the greenrider was swept up in a hug, and he melted against the bluerider. His arms wrapped around R’nd, fingers clinging in the fabric of the other man’s shirt as he tucked his head under R’nd’s chin. His head shook slightly, body trembling, an unspoken answer to all the questions, for nothing was okay and everything was wrong up until that moment when all he could see or smell or feel was R’nd, and that made everything right.

B’jin startled at the apology, leaning back from R’nd a little even as the bluerider pulled away from him and muttered the same two words again, folding in on himself and drawing further away than the simple step he had taken. The greenrider’s features contorted into confusion, tears that had stopped falling threatening to come to life again as he watched his friend and lover withdraw from him. B’jin bit his lower lip, eyebrows furrowing and drawing together as he fought to control his own emotions and fears.

“R’nd?” The name was spoken on a soft whisper, barely more than an exhale of breath as the greenrider stepped forward lightly. His hands twisted together before him, anxious and uncertain as he found himself in a situation that he was neither familiar nor comfortable being in; Why was R’nd apologising? He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? It was his, B’jin’s, fault that everything had been so sour. It was his fault he’d avoided all the people he loved and cared about, and it was his fault for pushing the bluerider away and being angry when he had no right. So why was R’nd apologising? He had every right and every reason to be spitting insults, or yelling or hitting or … something. Apologising wasn’t a part of B’jin’s expected responses, despite knowing deep down that R’nd simply wasn’t one of those kinds of people do anything except exactly that.

B’jin stepped a little closer, entwined fingers separating so his right hand could flutter to rest lightly at R’nd’s waist, while the other brushed lightly over R’nd’s cheek, enticing the bluerider to look at him. His eyes were wide, and filled with a combination of emotions as he caught the grey gaze when his friend looked at him; fear and tender affection warring for the spotlight. “I’m so sorry, love. I –” oh, how many things he was! Unfair, uncalled for, cruel, simply mean; B’jin’s gaze dropped and his hands returned reluctantly to himself, fingers entwining uncomfortably before him once more. “You deserve better.” He didn’t deserve forgiveness, from any of them, but especially not from R’nd.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t get it.

He had pulled away to give B’jin space, so afraid that the greenrider would panic at being held without permission. R’nd hadn’t missed the way B’jin clung to him and seemed to melt against him during those few brief but wonderful moments they embraced but he refused to acknowledge that as a truth. B’jin was mad at him and he had every right to be. R’nd didn’t want to continue upsetting his friend! Former friend? He wasn’t even sure what B’jin was now and that was part of the problem. R’nd knew what he wanted B’jin to be but he didn’t know if he could have it which was why he took up the submissive role of a scolded child that overstepped. This was B’jin’s show and R’nd hated that he had already pushed the man more than he should have.

Or had he?

The gentle touch was familiar, comforting, and right, which worried R’nd only on a level of concern that he was about to be smacked. B’jin didn’t seem the sort for violence, not with his past, but R’nd would accept something right then for all the trouble he had caused. Abuse for no reason was horrible, but a slap to his cheek was a good punishment for presuming to touch what he shouldn’t and upsetting B’jin and his family. But that connection never came and the bluerider nearly melted against the soft hand of the musician – until it fell away. The confusion he saw in brown eyes were now mirrored in grey as R’nd was close to buckling to the floor as that touch was a lifeline and felt like the only thing still holding him up. Was he simply drunk and couldn’t stand straight anymore or did he truly miss and crave the man standing before him that the lack of the touch that was given so briefly left R’nd feeling out of sorts?

“It’s you. There isn’t anyone better,” R’nd spoke at once without stopping to think it through in order to counter B’jin’s claim. There truly wasn’t! B’jin had been the perfect role model for a teenager hoping to Impress. He had given off the illusion of being the best at balancing life as a dragonrider with serious tasks and enjoying life and the little things. He had an amazing smile that R’nd especially loved drawing out. B’jin was extremely talented in the arts and that talent extended marvellously into the bedroom. B’jin had a horrible past but he could still laugh and have fun and R’nd enjoyed everything that much more when in the company of the greenrider he had once been too shy to flirt with though he could easily get everyone else in Katila into bed. “I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you.” There was a lengthy list of reasons as to why he wasn’t good enough though most should have been obvious with his track record so R’nd stayed silent and looked down at their feet again.

He did, at least, until Rell gave a sleepy chirp from his spot on the couch. R’nd’s head shot up to look wide-eyed at B’jin before he spun around to address the firelizard, “no! Stay over there, Rell. Please don’t come over here. Go back to sleep.” His voice trembled with fear as visions hit him of the firelizard coming to see what was going on which sent B’jin storming away again with a goal of never returning. B’jin had said he was sorry! They were potentially close to working something out, weren’t they? They couldn’t if the creature that ate from his hand without asking decided to take more than was offered again.

“Ayyonth?” R’nd called for his dragon to help him. He was close to panicking but the blue that was his steady rock was there with his calming presence and assurance. Ayyonth was fairly indifferent to the firelizards but he didn’t like talking to them, finding it a bit of a chore. Still, he did it then for R’nd, enticing Rell to come outside and join him and Larrikith. Rell chirped and crooned, as confused and worried as R’nd was but finally went to Ayyonth, curling up against the larger blue on the opposite side of Larrikith.

R’nd’s relief was visible in the way his body lost some of the tension but he was still afraid that when he turned back around B’jin would be gone. Tears had gathered and threatened to spill, blurring his vision as he faced that latest fear and when B’jin came into view, he blurted out the other thing he had wanted to say before being interrupted. “I’m sorry I disappointed you, B’jin.” For all the ego and confidence he could portray, R’nd knew the truth; he could never be what anyone thought he was or could be. There was always a fear that someone would find out he wasn’t up to par and leave him but he had fooled himself into thinking it wouldn’t happen with B’jin.

At least he had managed to do something right before the end by keeping Amorandii from Impressing a firelizard.

Brown eyes widened, staring at R’nd in surprise as his breath caught dangerously in his throat, startled by the frank honesty that was pouring forth in his lover’s words. Eyes still wide, B’jin swayed forward slightly, the action unconscious as he bit down on his bottom lip, worrying it as he studied R’nd’s expression. The words had been sincere, and B’jin was tempted to believe R’nd would not lie to him – not about things like that – anyway! (B’jin had no doubt R’nd would like until he ran out of breath that he was fine when he indeed was not. But then, B’jin knew he would be just as guilty of doing that himself).

It was the following comment that nearly floored B’jin, however, as the bluerider insisted he – B’jin! – were too good for R’nd. The greenrider stared at his lover, trying valiantly to comprehend that particular comment, even as R’nd suddenly became otherwise occupied. B’jin startled, having completely forgotten for the moment about the firelizard – the very creature that had instigated the disgusting way he had treated his lover (and his friends) for the past week. B’jin stiffened, eyebrows furrowing together in a scowl as he watched the firelizard, but it was R’nd’s look of terror and the desperation with which he called to his dragon to help him that undid B’jin.

Tear filled grey eyes tore at him, and B’jin threw himself at R’nd, wrapping his arms around the taller rider’s neck and clinging to him with the added grip of surprise as his tipsy lover toppled over under him. B’jin gave a giggly yip that was far too feminine and he would most certainly deny ever giving voice to. Eyelashes fluttered as he stared down at R’nd, offering a tentative smile that was fuelled by apologies he didn’t voice as the greenrider opted to initiate a gentle kiss instead. Pulling back after a moment, breaking the kiss and giving R’nd a gentle push in the centre of the chest to entice him to stay put, B’jin sat up, straddling his lover at the hips. A glance to the door showed he’d manage to flick it shut in the process of sending R’nd flying into the floor, and he tilted his head as serious brown eyes returned to stare down at R’nd.

Light hands found R’nd’s own, fingers weaving through his lover’s and he lifted one hand, and then the other, to kiss the bluerider’s palms lightly. One set of hands was lowered to gently rest over R’nd’s heart, feeling the gentle flutter of its pace under their fingers; the other pair of entwined fingers were lifted to B’jin’s, the greenrider’s heart was fluttering, his pace rapid as he leaned forward gently, eyes were wide and bright with the depth of emotions he’d been trying to keep under wraps, but was drowning in in those moments; the thought of losing his friend and lover was terrifying, and he could think of no faster way to lose him than giving voice to those words he so desperately wanted to share.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was whispery, and full of desperate apology, as he stared down at R’nd, eyes alive with everything he refused to voice.

R’nd gasped as B’jin was suddenly throwing himself against him, sending them to the floor. Normally that wouldn’t have happened as he was fairly steady on his feet but so much had happened that night to change the norm to the abnormal. He had been drinking, was emotionally unhinged, and that move was completely unexpected since R’nd didn’t see it as a likely possibility for an outcome during their talk. His floor, while covered in some nice mats, wasn’t exactly the softest flat surface he had ever encountered and grunted as his backside collided with it. Thankfully, he managed to keep his head from bouncing off the floor since a headache really wasn’t what the moment called for and the wine was already likely to leave his head with a light throb tomorrow.

The shock and impact of the fall had one other affect; it made the pooling tears jolt free to slide down flushed cheeks, making it look like the bluerider was crying. No movement was made to wipe them away, however, as R’nd watched every movement B’jin made with gentle eyes that no longer held a hint of fear. Oh, it had been there up until the soft kiss was given to him. It was clear now that B’jin had thrown himself into a hug, not an attack, but for a moment, R’nd wasn’t sure and was willing to fight the urge to fight B’jin and let his possibly former lover hit him for his stupidity. But several sweet kisses to lips and palms – something R’nd knew without a doubt was an action with meaning as it had never been talked about but they both often did it – and then holding their hands over their hearts made it impossible for R’nd to continue being a worried or oblivious idiot.

B’jin had been in the exact same state as him. Perhaps it didn’t last the entire six days and seven hours since the greenrider had to work through anger first but it was there, R’nd knew with certainty. The fear of losing him, the fear of having to go back to a life that didn’t have the other in it, the fear of being hated, but most importantly, “I missed you,” R’nd whispered the last common denominator, knowing without any prompting that he needed to say it and that it truly was a mutual sentiment. He tightened his hold on B’jin’s hands but made no move to remove their hands from their places over their hearts. It was odd but R’nd felt that’s how it should be. In some way, it was like they were connected. “I missed you so much, B’jin.”

Ayyonth gave a lazy rumble of approval. R’nd was getting closer to saying the right words that humans seemed to place so much value in. The proper emotions seemed to be there, and not nearly as buried as they used to be, but he was still purposely ignoring the exploration of that part of himself. One day, and soon, Ayyonth suspected it would happen and Faranth would that be an entertaining day! Unafraid to show his own affections, the blue marble-hided dragon bumped his nose against Larrikith’s cheek and rested his head on her forepaws. Rell peeked around Ayyonth to peer up at the green dragon but quickly ducked back out of sight, unsure about what to make about the new larger creature Ayyonth seemed to like so much. She couldn’t be all that bad if that were the case but Rell decided he liked his spot right where he was though he really wanted to return to R’nd to check on his poor friend that couldn’t keep his thoughts straight!

B’jin hadn’t even been aware that he was prepared to be thrown across the room until he realised the moment wasn’t coming, would hopefully never come, and he stared down at R’nd’s tear streaked face with genuine affection, and a hint of surprise, as the younger man stared back at him. The softly whispered words sent a spine tingling quiver rippling down the greenrider’s back, and he slowly let their joined hands drop from where he had been holding them against his own chest. They came to rest comfortably against R’nd’s chest as B’jin smiled sweetly. “I missed you, too, love.” B’jin’s voice was soft and full of guilt and affection as he shifted slightly, sliding off the bluerider and laying down beside him, curling against his side and placing a soft kiss on R’nd’s jawline, just below the ear.

“I really am sorry.” Whisper soft, guilty and ashamed, B’jin’s gaze shifted to avoid R’nd’s eyes, watching instead the gentle rise and fall of the other man’s chest. The fingers woven through R’nd’s own twitched slightly, anxious and fidgety; though the greenrider stilled them, the action was unconscious as he shifted his head again to rest his chin lightly on R’nd’s shoulder. His gaze was soft and affectionate, but there was a shadow of a frown between his brows as B’jin shifted again, this time with a distinct air of underlying discomfort, to lie half atop R’nd, hesitating only a moment before initiating a gentle kiss. His blood was beating a tempo – no doubt amplified by Larrikith, a thought that was answered with a naughty draconic giggle – and it was making B’jin fidgety and uncomfortable. The greenrider was terrified he’d act upon the desire, and say something he shouldn’t. It didn’t occur to the poor man that his words might hold the possibility of being well received, and Larrikith was having far too much fun watching her rider squirm to bother encouraging him. Her poor bonded was switching between blatantly (in her opinion) loving tenderness for the bluerider, to terse and jittery anxiety that he would say or do something to give himself away, that the dragon found far too amusing to soothe.

B’jin broke the kiss, pulling back just far enough that he wasn’t quite going cross-eyed as he smiled gently at R’nd, the expression filled with an affectionate promise that wasn’t on par with the lust clouding his eyes. “I’ll make it up to you.” It was a promise, but not one that would be paid out with his body; B’jin didn’t work like that. He slept with R’nd because he enjoyed it. Rather, the bluerider would likely find himself the receiver of small token gifts in the upcoming weeks (or months, depending on B’jin’s guilt on a day to day working) as B’jin found small ways to make up for the terrible not-weyrmate he’d been since the younger man’s accidental Impression.  He had treated R’nd unfairly, and while B’jin wouldn’t really punish himself about it, he would likely continue giving the bluerider little surprise gifts, long after he’d forgotten why he was giving them – though he’d know it was because he’d done something wrong by him.

Shifting against his lover, B’jin smirked with a mischievously naughty air and rose languidly, offering a hand to the bluerider when he’d gained his own feet. Despite his  desire to show R’nd exactly how much he’d missed him (and his very lovely body) B’jin refused to be reduced to carnal desires in the door way. There was dignity to be maintained! There was modesty to be preserved! But most importantly, R’nd’s bed was far more comfortable than the floor, and, B’jin realised with a small smile as his emotions warred somewhere between lust and love, he missed waking up beside R’nd in it.

Good lord that took me 3.5 hours. I have read and re read it so many times I have no idea if it makes sense any more XD Every time I had won against B'jin blurting 'I love you' a fucking song would come on all LOVE!LYRICS and omg x.x LOL.