Still Not Home [B'jin]

Talian sighed as he approached the familiar hut. He imagined a dragonrider would have been willing to give him a lift, but he still couldn't bring himself to associate with them any more than he had to, least of all ask them for favors that would indebt them to him. He'd spent an entire season at Katila now and he was no closer to trusting the dragonriders or adjusting to his new, unwanted life. He drug his feet, weary from the long walk, though the morning was mercifully cool. He could feel the season changing.

He approached with caution. If Larrikith was in her little portion of the hut, he couldn't see her. That was a good start. Talian felt a twinge of guilt as he approached and knocked on the door. He'd promised B'jin a breakfast some time ago, but he'd never gotten around to it. On the mornings he was both free and could be bothered to get out of bed, B'jin was busy. Tal didn't care for the scheduling. He felt like his talents would be better spent as a healer than trudging through those miserable, military-esque lessons and chore regiments; especially since he wasn't even going to stand.  That was the most recent news he had, in any case. He was fine with that, too. A dragon was just another thing to take his life from him.

He was still looking forward to the meeting. He hadn't spoken one on one with B'jin in a while, and well, he was lonely. He liked B'jin, even though he knew he should not. He also had a lot on his mind and wasn't sure who else to vent it to.

Talian stood there quietly for a moment before recalling one important detail. Just let yourself in the greenrider has said. A privilege indeed. He nervously clutched the doorknob and inched the door open just enough for this thin body to pass through. "B'jin?" he whispered, eyes widening as he glanced around the hut. He realized he'd barely heard himself. He cleared his throat and tried again. "B'jin?" he called out meekly.

B'jin had had a bad night. Larrikith was curled up with her head through the massive glass door that separated her small hut from B'jin's bedroom, watching her rider with concern. He was sleeping, now, but she had had to force him to, something that had taken a lot of time and effort and manipulation. It was meant to be the other way around, Larrikith knew, where the rider controlled the dragon, not where the dragon controlled her rider. But B'jin was a special case, and Larrikith was prepared to go out of her way to make sure things went as they were meant to. Her wings rustled slightly as she shifted position, and crept further into the room, so her warm breath washed over B'jin's sleeping form. He didn't stir.

The quiet knocks were heard, and Larrikith turned her sparkling eye towards the doorway, wondering who would be knocking there, but her mind too closely wrapped with B'jin's so she could ward off nightmares to actually extend her senses to see; there was no way she was leaving him, either, so creeping around was out of the question. Worry sparkled through her eyes when nothing came of it, and her attention was in the process of returning solely to her rider when the door opened. Swiftly, her head spun toward the door and a hiss was bubbling in her throat when she saw who it was. The healer brat. She paused, swallowing the hiss long before it was sounded and she tilted her head to peer at him more easily, even as she crept into the house a little further, until her chest was almost touching B'jin's bed.

Little healer? her voice was naturally rough, but that which entered Talian's mind was meek and soft, as she shifted again in an attempt to call attention upon herself and her more-inside-than-out position. Shifting further in, she nosed B'jin tenderly and watched him mumble under his breath and toss, fussing. She turned worried eyes back on the healer. He remembered, she stressed the word, and I couldn't stop him so he drank and I've been stopping the nightmares, she sighed softly and nuzzled B'jin's chest lightly. But he's fighting me. Waking him is... difficult, after such nights. It would take her hours to get him to give in and sleep, and then she would spend hours fighting the nightmares, before she could attempt to awaken him. Longer still, when it was finally time to wake him. Mid morning was more than long enough, and speaking to the little child he had adopted would be more than good for him. He needed to speak to someone, and she could moderate the power of his memories if he did so while she was there and paying attention.

Would you make some Klah? she asked, standing up slightly and nudging B'jin's face, her expression indicating that her mind was now firmly focused on B'jin as she went about digging him out of his deep slump. He's going to need it.

Talian wasn't sure what to do once faced with the dragon. His meek expression was completely overshadowed by a momentary flash of disgust, but he managed to suppress it after a moment's consideration. He'd never bothered to hide his dislike of the dragon, but he didn't intend to go around broadcasting it, either. B'jin and Larrikith both knew how he felt, and emphasizing it over and over wasn't going to change anything. Talian wasn't vindictive enough for it to make him feel better, either.

His emotions at that moment were less hatred and more extreme discomfort. Upon hearing her voice in his mind, his muscles instinctively tightened and he took a backwards step. He didn't have a chance to beg out before she continued, though. B'jin apparently wasn't feeling well. She was watching over him and...requesting help?

Talian narrowed his eyes mistrustfully at the creature. While he had no desire to fraternize with her or help her in any way, she was making her request on B'jin's behalf. B'jin deserved it, and Larrikith wouldn't lie about his condition. Talian understood dragons well enough to know that.

Talian stepped forward almost involuntarily. He still didn't quite understand his own devotion to the greenrider who'd ruined his life. It was there, though, and Talian surely couldn't leave him ill. The healer moved forward and minced his way through B'jin's hut, taking great care not to disturb anything as he made his way to the kitchen. He didn't ask Larrikith where anything was. He just spent a few minutes looking for it all. Before long, the concerned but amazingly uncomfortable young man had some klah brewing.

When it was finished, Tal poured a cup for himself first and took a long drink. He readied a second one for B'jin and stuck his head into the next room, looking to see if the greenrider was awake.

Larrikith had had difficulty waking B'jin, but had eventrally managed. She left the young healer alone, as he went about the task she had asked him to do, relieved that he hadn't baulked and run off. She supposed it was the healer in him, that kept him there, or perhaps his affection for her rider. She wondered, briefly, as she watched B'jin swim towards wakefulness, if he would forgive B'jin if she told him she was the one that insisted they bring someone home with them. Such an admittance wouldn't go down well for her, however, and while she didn't particularly care if the little healer liked her, she was the other half of her rider, and would forever be with him. She would worry about it later, and maybe speak to B'jin.

Love? her murmuring voice wrapped around B'jin and the man groaned as his eyes opened, looking directly up into Larrikith's concerned face, his temples pounding. Finally, she sighed, and flopped down on the floor, shaking the house as she relaxed and dropped her chin on the bed.

"Hnn," B'jin groaned, sitting up, though the slumped position could barely be called thus. "Shards, Larri." Running his hands through his hair and over his face, B'jin rubbed his eyes awake and resisted the urge to curl up and die. "Shell-" the word ended in a high pitched yelp when he caught motion out of the corner of his eye, and turning, spotted Talian. He then groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Larrikith gave a soft exhale, though it was a long way from laughter. She turned tired, lazy eyes on Talian. Thank you, little Healer. You can come in. I will leave, now. B'jin uncovered his face and latched onto Larrikith's face, hugging her tightly. "Thank you, love. Go eat," he murmured, kissing her snout and watching with affection as her eyes sparkled happily for a moment before fading back. Her hide was grey-tinged and his face expressed his guilt as the small dragon wriggled her way out of his room and into her own. He turned his tired, baggy eyes on Talian.

"Come in, Tal." He patted his bed lightly beside him, more inviting Tal into the room than indicating that he should sit right there. Still dressed in what he had been wearing the night before, however, B'jin wasn't worried about making the youngster too uncomfortable, though he was pretty sure he reeked of rough Katilan alcohol. He'd need a wash. Soon. But for now, he supposed the boy had something he wanted to talk about.

You should speak to him, Larrikith put in, her tone dry. B'jin flinched eyes flashing in the general direction his dragon had taken. Turning back to Talian, B'jin ignored Larrikith's pointed remark. "How can I help you, Tal?"

Healer instincts indeed. Had he knowledge of what exactly B'jin had done to himself, he might have had a better remedy than just klah. In fact, he already suspected water was a better option. Either way, he still said nothing to Larrikith. He didn't expect her to mind.

"I don't think this is much about me," he said mildly as he stepped into the room. He hovered near B'jin, not too close and not too far, as he handed the mug of klah over. "Larrikith said you would want this," he said, voice shallow and torn. He looked at his feet. "Not to contradict her, but I think water might be a better option. You look hung over." Talian noticed the man's lack of hygiene, but he didn't care. He'd spent years at Healer Hall putting up with blood and vomit. A little body odor from an overdue shower was nothing.

The healer's brows furrowed. He gave B'jin a quick once-over, searching for signs of any other damage. It looked like a pretty standard hangover. "You should probably eat something as well," Talian advised, his tone so polished and distant that it sounded almost manicured. It was his professional voice, the one he used for patients.

He deflated a bit as the seconds passed, reminding himself that B'jin wasn't actually his patient. Concern flashed across his face. "...Why did you do this to yourself, B'jin? Are you all right?" B'jin seemed happy, but Talian was no fool. He knew that the happiest looking men sometimes held the darkest secrets or carried the greatest burdens. B'jin's personal life, judging by the little glimpses Talian had gotten at his last meeting, was chaotic.

He noticed B'jin's flinch, but said nothing. He assumed the dragon was badmouthing him, or something along those lines. Maybe scolding B'jin for being drunk. Talian didn't necessarily want to tell B'jin that Larrikith had bespoken him in any significant way, so as badly as he wanted to ask 'what did you remember', he resisted. He just waited quietly, sad eyes fixed on B'jin, awaiting explanation.

"Oh," B'jin murmured softly, his features falling slightly as he looked away from Talian. He didn't ask, because he wasn't sure how he would feel about a clarification, though his immediate assumption was that Larrikith had dragged the poor boy from his bed in order to come see him. Which, B'jin sighed, didn't make any sense. Larrikith never sought help in such situations, and he was pretty sure Talian wouldn't have come if he had known Larrikith was perched in his bedroom. Confused, but not interested in puzzling it out at the moment, B'jin took a deep breath in and absently took the mug of klah.

"Yeah," B'jin agreed softly, curling around the mug he held, but making no motion to drink it. "I am." B'jin scrunched his nose up, partially at himself and partially at Talian's advice that he eat. He didn't bother to vocalise his lack of desire to do any such thing, as he pried one hand away from the hot mug and used it to wipe hair back off his forhead. Taking a deep breath in, B'jin quietly handed the hot mug back to Talian and shuffled back to slump against the headboard, looking dejected and sad.

"I'm fine," the man lied easily, though it appeared he gave up on the well versed phrase half way through the first word, as it ended in a sigh and he shook his head. He let the silence wrap around the room and fill the spaces, before he lifted his gaze, finally meeting Talian's eyes and seeing them full of questions. Sighing deeply, B'jin threw his covers off himself and practically fell out of bed, standing unsteadily by it for a moment until his head stopped spinning. Meandering his way to the chest his clothing was shoved in, B'jin kicked a stuffed toy over to the bunk beds as he went. Reaching the chest, B'jin tugged his rumpled shirt over the top of his head and tossed it to one side, before shoving a fresh one on and tugging it down.

"Come on, then. You might as well be comfortable."

Shuffling out of the bedroom, B'jin made his way to the well loved couch that was sitting in his living room and he curled up against the armrest, knees pulled up to his chest and arms resting across them, chin atop, as he waited placidly for Talian to join him.

Tal noticed B'jin's discomfort and reluctance. It took no genius to see it. The healer smiled at B'jin, but it was a stagnant, manufactured one. "I was on my way to visit you anyhow," he clarified, noting how B'jin wilted at his initial comment. "But you look a mess." He didn't bother pointing out how selfish it would be of him to demand B'jin's attention and affection after finding him in such a state. '


The young man folded his hands in front of him and followed. He kept his medical advice and other commentary to himself. B'jin looked rough enough without being scolded, and the look on his face and his slumping posture showed just how had he felt over the entire thing. The listless, drawn-out 'I'm fine' only added to the evidence.

Talian followed obediently, seating himself a comfortable distance from B'jin and turning his concerned eyes on the man. "You've listened to me complain a good deal...I'm actually not so bad at listening either, though," he said softly. He wrung his hands in his lap. He wanted to say something more comforting, but he wasn't sure what was appropriate. He was a good listener, but not as good at proving eloquent consoling words. He too serious and mechanical for that, and he was awkwardly aware of it. Better to stay quiet and let his curious, worried eyes and subtly down-turned lips do the talking.

B'jin tilted his head slightly, watching Talian quietly as the boy set himself down comfortably, and he nodded once. He wasn't keen on the idea of digging up his past, particularly to share it with someone, but he was also unable to think of a decent reason to turn the young healer away if he were willing to listen. Talian was a healer, and B'jin was pretty sure that came with a certain level of discretion that most people weren't aware of. B'jin shifted his seat slightly, getting more comfortable, and chewed his lip absently as he pondered what to tell the boy. Everything whispered through his mind, and B'jin gave Larrikith a gentle shove with his mind, declining such an invitation. Four decades of history would be far too much to dump on the young man, who was barely able to handle his own rough twenty. He would give him the bare bones of the issue...

"I'm the eldest of four children," B'jin murmured quietly, his vice low. "A brother, and two sister. I was sent to the Harper hall the turn Moramanda was born, by the time I walked the tables she was already intent on following my footsteps. I was rarely home, but she idolised me," he paused, shuffling uncomfortably. "I was assigned to Telgar Hold as part of my Journey requirements. While I was there, I was invited to go to a Hatching. I offered to do the records while I was there." He sighed sadly, eyes far away as he revisited a memory, feeling Larrikith swirl into his mind as she filtered emotions and fed him strength. "Larrikith chose me that day. She walked past dozens of Candidates still on the sand, to try and climb the very stands to get to me." A dry, humourless laugh that was more of a choked cough. "Ruined my life, and created it all in one. Of course, Moramanda was eleven, and suddenly being a Harper was a foolish desire when she could aspire to be a dragonrider. She was determined I get her Searched. Somehow, I did - I got my baby sister into the Telgar Weyr." His voice was thick with bitterness.

"She Impressed the Turn after Larri and I graduated and I became B'jin." He wasn't aware of stray tears that had created small tracks down his face, voice thick as he continued. Larrikith was preventing most of the emotion that usually came with the memories, trying to provide him with the strength to share with Talian without overwhelming the boy with one of B'jin's breakdowns. "She got a green, Namndith," the name flowed off his tongue like honey, and B'jin blinked, crashing into the real world suddenly as outside, Larrikith landed lightly, peering in through a window for a moment, her eyes a whirl of anxious colours as she physically checked up on the pair before going to her hollow to clean. Her jawline was marred with blood. B'jin smiled placidly at the dragon, letting her access his mind without the usual barriers he put up to prevent her from doing just what she was at that moment.

"It's okay Larrikith, love." B'jin directed his comment to the dragon, he spoke lightly, and took a soft, shuddering breath as he threw aside the sorrow with apparent ease, the action directed by Larrikith. His face went blank, and his voice flat, as he continued, brown eyes dull and far away. "She graduated, to become M'ram, in 212." B'jin said slowly, before he changed from a style of story telling to spitting out cold hard facts. "The plague struck in '15, and we were banished by Weyrwoman Katila, and the Golds in '16." A strong pause, here, and B'jin turned his lifeless eyes on Talian. "They never made it across the ocean." It was said in a cold, distant and calculated voice, but the man was trembling visibly and he refused to meet Talian's eyes.

"My fault," he choked, façade crumbling as in her own room, Larrikith let out a shriek of rage and shouldered the wall, losing out to the overwhelming memories. The action, indicating her deep displeasure at his blaming himself, caused the house to shudder as the dragon fought the frustration at being separated by her bonded by something as ridiculous as wood and a young healer who didn't like her presence. She didn't blame either the house or the healer - B'jin needed both of them - but she wasn't happy with the current situation, either. She was meant to be there, she was meant to be his life line, his rock, his strength. No! she hissed, finally, frustration thick in her voice, the very edge of which she allowed to penetrate Talian's mind so he would not be excluded, despite her knowledge that he disliked such actions. Never your fault Benjinamor, never

---

[sup]Wow. Well. That was more than I was expecting xD[/sup]

How was someone supposed to respond to a story like that?

Talian's jaw set and he squeezed his hands in his lap, listening to the story with every bit of patience he had in him. He was a patient young man. Profession aside, back home he was constantly beset by all manner of verbal onslaughts from his father and teachers. He knew how to listen, though. The problem was, he didn't really know what to say.

Once again, the boy's detachment from others was a problem. How childish it was for B'jin to blame himself for something like this. After all, Talian had lost patients before. Surely that was far, far more his own fault than B'jin's younger sister dying during a difficult trip.  There was no comparison. Talian often heard dragonriders discussing it. It sounded like it bad been harrowing indeed, with many lost along the way.

Talian didn't actually say this, of course. How could he? He closed his eyes and tried to squeeze his own thoughts down into his head where Larrikith couldn't get them, but her astringent words were somewhat comforting. She felt the same way he did, it would seem.

"B'jin," he finally said, his posture awkward and his face whitewashed by nervousness,  "I hardly see how that's your fault..."

Ugh, what could he say? It wasn't that he didn't care. No, he cared a lot. He was worried about B'jin and hated to see him in this state, but there was literally nothing one could say to someone who'd convinced themselves of something like this.

Talian frowned. "That's a terribly sad story, though. I'm sorry," he said, inching closer and giving B'jin a delicate hug. It was a nervous but wholly sincere gesture.

"No!" B'jin said, loudly, emphatically, and he leaned forward jerkily to stare Talian in the face, his eyes shining with tears though they appeared blank and far away. "You don't understand!" It was almost snarled, as the man moved jerkily once more, as if someone had grabbed him by the shoulders and ripped him backwards so he hit the back of his seat harshly. He released his knees and let his feet fall to the floor, deflating, his hands falling into his lap with dejection. His voice, when it followed, was hollow and hoarse, almost a whisper.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped." B'jin looked up slowly, and in the gentle movement, he accepted Talian's hug, eyes sad. When the young healer pulled back, however, B'jin's face was a careful mask of serenity and he even offered a small smile at the Healer. "Would you like something to drink?" The offer was scincere, though B'jin didn't wait as he stood up fluidly and made his way towards the kitchen.

Shards. Larrikith's voice whispered over the very edge of Talian's mind. I was hoping... a sigh, filled to the brim with more than she was willing to share with Talian, though hints of it pattered across the very light link she had with the boy; anxiousness, disappointment, worry, love. Don't press him. You did well, little Healer. I am going flying. She withdrew gently, but made sure that the boy felt her break the link. She was aware that she was pushing the young man further than perhaps he was prepared to be pushed, but she also felt - without resorting to digging around - his affection for B'jin was sincere and she felt he deserved to know why her rider was, occasionally, such a terrible mess. Maybe B'jin would tell him, sometime on his own steam. Maybe Talian would stop being so standoffish and let her talk to him without feeling like she was playing catch with a Gold's egg in the middle of a battle field. Okay, so probably not, but it was a fantasy she was willing to entertain. So long as she didn't drive the child away, she saw no reason to exclude him from her opinion when she felt it prudent. And when it came to B'jin, her opinion always mattered.

Talian had her tick of approval, though she wasn't about to place any bets on his realising it. But Larrikith was okay with that. She could figure out the strange little human some other time - she did enjoy a good challenge! In the mean time, Larrikith was going to work off some steam and fly, for the pure thrill of flying. B'jin was in good hands, and he would be fine, so long as Talian didn't contradict her words and try pushing him. She didn't think he would; the child was far too easily cowed. But then, B'jin wasn't always so different, a few triggers exempt. Throwing off the concerns of humans - though she did keep a kind of third-rate contact with B'jin - Larrikith left the little room he had built her, and pushed off into the air. Sometimes it was good to just be a dragon.

B'jin, for his part, stopped half way to the kitchen and tilted his his head slightly, as if he were trying to hear something that was out of his range, but knew there were some kind of sound happening. Turning, slowly, B'jin frowned thoughtfully at Talian, his brown eyes fully occupied by the puzzled emotion, though the lashes still held the reminders of his tears. The man's voice was as quietly thoughtful as his expression; "she bespoke you." It wasn't an accusation any more than it was a question, though it was likely an answer to one Talian may have been wondering; B'jin had been excluded from the green dragon's comments to the Healer, and while B'jin looked puzzled, he didn't seem overly paranoid about it. Flashing a watery smile, B'jin finished making his way to the kitchen.

"I don't have any wine left, but I think I have some redfruit juice, if you want?"

---

[sup]Oh, B'jin. You make me want to bash my head on a brick wall. <3[/sup]

B'jin's outburst startled Talian, who drew back as if he feared being hurt. He'd witnessed hints of explosive anger in B'jin before and in spite of himself, he still feared being the subject of it. He knew it was foolish. B'jin would never actually hurt him, at least not physically. B'jin had hurt Talian, and in the worst way possible - by ripping his life from him and telling him to get over it. That, coupled with the total unpredictability, was enough to send the healer cringing for a microsecond.

It passed soon enough. Seconds later, Talian found himself twined neatly with the greenrider, giving a reassuring but terrifically fragile hug. "I already has something," Talian whispered, his voice faint and delicate as he gradually tightened his grip on B'jin. He hated to see B'jin like this. Shards, the man was the picture of happiness most of the time, so gentle that his affection was contagious. This was unbearable.

He closed his eyes tightly as he felt Larrikith's unwelcome presence again. He kept his thoughts to himself, but he didn't care for her advice. He wished she would just go away. If any part of him suspected her approval, he was willfully ignorant towards it. He didn't care what she thought and had no particular desire to reconcile with her. As far as he was concerned, she was just another abusive authority figure that liked to throw her weight around, someone to tolerate when necessary and ignore otherwise. They only had one thing in common, and that was concern for B'jin.

"Yeah," he sighed at length, so distracted by his own sickening sense of worry that he didn't hear the question at first. He didn't include a comment on how he wished she wouldn't; B'jin surely knew that by now. Oh well, overriding circumstances.

"It's okay," he said gingerly. He peeled himself away and looked at B'jin, face torn with weariness and concern. He'd come to complain about his own life, but in at the moment, B'jin was more important. He'd listened to the healer complain plenty of times, it was the least he could do to repay the favor.

What else could he say? "...I know it's not the same thing, but..I lost a lot of sleep the first time I lost a patient," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He looked directly into B'jin's sad eyes and frowned, his own expression matching the greenrider's melancholy. "I..wish I could do more to help. Do you need anything else?" He wanted to ask if there was anything else B'jin needed to talk about, but well...Larrikith was probably right, and Talian wasn't one to press.

B'jin waved the topic off with an easy shake of his head as he stepped out of the kitchen, having taken the young Healer's lack of a comment as his agreement to fruit juice. Walking easily through the house, B'jin had his air of easy go lucky attitude back, a gentle smile flickering over his lips the entire while. He gently kicked a stuffed toy (it looked like a demented, well loved firelizard) towards his bedroom door and offered Talian the brimming glass. His hangover appeared to have vanished alongside his previous tantrum, leaving his brown eyes bright and alive, with no lingering depression or guilt.

"Nonsense, Tal." B'jin's tone was warmly amused by the Healer's offer to help him. "Although, finding a cure to my numbweed allergy would be greatly appreciated." Grinning, B'jin tossed a cheeky wink at his young friend, before drinking easily from his glass. "Sorry about your getting mixed up in the Touching classes, by the way. You were only meant to be signed up for the lectures, which D'ren wouldn't let me get you out of." B'jin frowned slightly, his irritation at that particularly fact flashing across his face.

"Did you want something to eat?" He offered, tilting his head ever so slightly. "I assume you came for some reason other than to watch me throw a tantrum." His tone was light, but that topic was obviously closed from the careful way in which he mentioned it - indicating to the young man that he was aware of everything that had just gone down, but also that he had absolutely no intention of explaining it at that point in time.

Maybe he can help? Larrikith offered quietly, her voice slightly confused as it formed into words in B'jin's mind. No. He refused to explain to her, either, shutting her out with an irritated slam. Though his eyes blanked slightly, indicating dragon-speak, his face didn't shift from the lightly amused expression it had housed since asking Talian if he were interested in some food.

One thing in particular stuck out to Talian. "Numbweed allergy?" he asked, eyes flashing with curiosity. His voice hit a high, passionate note that B'jin had likely never heard before, something resembling what Tal might have sounded like during one of his rare but cherished happy moments back home. "You're allergic to numbweed?" Well, screw hand deformities, this was the most interesting anomaly Talian had ever heard of before! He stood up and followed B'jin like a canine following a wounded crawler, right into the kitchen where he found himself confronted with a glass of redfruit juice.

Even though he'd declined a drink, he accepted it anyhow. While klah was his favorite, Talian did have a bit of a sweet tooth. He drank it with the same indiscriminate speed as usual and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "I've never heard of that before. Does it cause swelling, or only irritation? Does your skin break out into full hives, or only a rash?" Another gulp. "Itchy? Or painful?"

How... inconvenient that allergy must be. Talian didn't envy him.

The healer was a bit taken aback by B'jin's sudden change in mood, though he didn't pay it much thought until his academic curiosity died down a bit. His brows furrowed in concern, but he picked up on enough of B'jin's subtle notes to realize he wasn't going to get much out of the man. Choosing to be quiet and let B'jin change the subject if he pleased, Talian flashed the man a concerned look and then smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling better," he said, tone sinking back to it's usual mellow, half-sad state.

He paused to consider the offer of food. He was hungry, but after that whole thing, he didn't have much will to feed himself. He'd lost weight since his arrival, though he hadn't seemed to notice it himself. "And it's nothing..." he said, faint apprehension tingling in his voice. "I mostly just wanted to explain the...indiscretion...from the other day..."

Eeep.

Wait, did he make that sound out loud?

B'jin stopped, obviously started, and stared at Talian with widened eyes, before tilting his head and letting amusement wash over his features. "Yes," he answered, highly amused as he watched the young man guzzle the glass of juice he'd just given him. The greenrider took the empty glass back with airs of hilarity and a subtle smile forming across his lips.

"Painful," he laughed, delighting in Talian's fiery curiosity. "It turns the area into a field of small boils, heats up, burns painfully." He paused for a moment, considering thoughtfully. He gave Talian a highly amused look at the boy's apparent mellowing when B'jin's mental health was brought up and the man rolled his eyes good nurturedly and gave him a wink. Stepping lightly, having decided in that moment, B'jin went to a chest of draws on the far side of the room and began digging around, muttering under his breath to himself. Pulling back, he held a small jar in one hand, the lid tightly sealed. Returning to Talian his face was still a picture of amusement.

"You owe me no explanation, Tal. I was surprised, but hardly disapproving. Erisi is an, interesting," he paused a moment before choosing a word to describe the young Harper, but it came out in no way negative, "choice of companion, but I would hardly disapprove of someone who was so quick to defend your honour." B'jin winked. "If you wish, than go ahead. I am a whore for juicy details."

He held out the jar, and grinned. "Relax, Tal," laughter was in his voice then, amused by the Healer's squeak. "Would you like to study me?" B'jin didn't really give Talian a chance to reply as he clicked the jar lid open; the scent of numbweed bellowed out. B'jin held out his wrist, and used a small sliver of wood to dip into the salve. Not giving Talian a chance to stop him, the man leaned backwards slightly away from the Healer and put a slim line of the - usually - numbing agent on his wrist, lengthwise.

It took about thirty seconds before it erupted into small boils. B'jin was watching it with interest, before grinning at Talian, highly amused. "Well?"

Talian recovered from his momentary slump, encouraged by B'jin's description of his condition. "That's fascinating," he chimed, though he looked positively guilty at finding B'jin;s condition so interesting. He looked around instinctively for a notebook to jot everything down in. Upon realizing what he was doing, he blushed a bit and thrust his hands into his pockets.

He turned away as the topic of Erisi rose again. "...Yeah. Interesting is a good word," he confessed with what may have been grim humor. "I'm sorry he was rude to you. He's...well, he's testy in general." He bit his lip, unsure of what else to say. "....He really hates his searchrider. Some bluerider that starts with an 'I'. He keeps telling me I'm an idiot for trusting you and all that. I don't actually care what he says, but that's why he was so eager to take a shot at you, I think." He swallowed hard. "...Because you've hurt me."

He laughed weakly. "I tried to explain to him that you're better to me than anyone back at home was. A lot better than my father, for sure." Talian paused and realized with a mild amount of horror that he was babbling about himself, something he thought he'd decided against doing. He groaned and lifted his fingers to his temples and began to pace. "...I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking like this. You're having  a bad enough day without me doing this," he said, voice laden with what could only be described as self-loathing.

He realized in that moment how little he'd actually told B'jin about himself. He sighed drearily. If anyone deserved to know a bit more, it was probably B'jin. Erisi already knew more than Talian was generally comfortable sharing, why not B'jin?

"Eri is a good friend, though. He's the best friend my own age I have here...maybe ever..." he said, voice quivering just a bit. "I don't really know. I don't know why I was...getting involved with him..." he said, voice speeding up to keep pace with his heart. Shards, he could see her again!

"I mean, I'd hooked up with the only other real friend I've ever had already....I guess it m-makes sense..." he hissed. "Sh-shards! I hope she's not pregnant..."

He spun around to see B'jin standing there, wrist exposed and aflame with nasty boils. Talian hissed a curse under his breath and ran over. "B-B'jin! Why would you do this?" he demand, voice nearly cracking at the emphasized word. He seized the greenrider's wrist roughly to inspect it, casting his analytic gaze upon the rash.

He exhaled pensively. "...Have you considered a low dosage anti-inflammatory in your morning klah?"

"It is, isn't it?" B'jin asked, his laughter in his voice as he watched Talian go through all kinds of emotions, at high speed. He wasn't sure that was particularly healthy, but he wasn't about to comment upon it as the young man began babbling about Erisi and the man allowed his amusement to bleed away quietly as he watched, listening, and his eyebrows drew down in a slight frown, even as he leaned casually against the arched frame leading into the kitchen.

"I'shan of Ilveriath," B'jin supplied, snorting. "Our children are about the same age." He left out that the man had very little to do with said offspring, or that B'jin himself had ended up tangled with the man barely a Turn before, during one of Larrikith's flights. Talian was still a little timid about such subjects for B'jin to feel completely comfortable delving into his flight-sparked exploits - besides, Erisi obviously didn't need another reason to feel him a bad influence, and having his dragon choose I'shan's was obviously not going to cut it.

"I'm fine," B'jin said, his tone mild, though a hint or irritation was mixed within, showing just the tip of thorns. His brown eyes showed no such thing, however, as they watched Talian pace. He didn't draw attention to the fact that the young healer had just said he was trustworthy, or that he had compared him (again?!) to his father. "That's what is important," B'jiin inserted, when Talian paused after stating what Erisi's friendship meant. The remainder of his little rant was also left, uncommented upon, although both of B'jin's eyebrows shot up on his forhead before he schooled the expression. The greenrider wasn't entirely sure he was meant to have heard that, but it was definitely something he would need to dig into later.

Half the reason they stole the younger Journiers was because they weren't meant to have families. That, of course, B'jin thought mildly, didn't mean much when you were one of those that had had kids at that age, anyway. If you were meant for a dragon, you were going to end up with one, regardless. Are we going North? Larrikith asked, curiously, as she landed lightly outside the house. She was glad the little healer had cheered her bonded up so much. Maybe, B'jin thought, breaking off to laugh as Talian snatched his arm from him to examine it. Just to see. We'll talk to D'ren. What will you tell the Little Healer?

"No idea," B'jin shrugged, his amused brown eyes watching Talian fondly as he fell into what B'jin was definitely going to label 'Healer Mode'. "Healers had me on all kinds of stuff when I was a kid." He winked. "It's only when Larri gets torn up that it's really an issue. It's incredibly inconvenient to have to blackmail the weyrbrats into numbing her. I have a pretty high pain tolerance."

Using his free hand, B'jin caught Talian's chin gently and tilted his face to better look at the young man, features contorting into a worried expression as he took in the signs of depression on the Healer's face. B'jin didn't need to be trained in that craft to recognise an illness he was fighting - apparently considerably better than Talian!

"Talk to me," not wanting Talian to take the words as an order, B'jin unconsciously half-whispered them, voice a low, rich purr that was thickly woven with concern. The same emotion burned in his eyes as the green rider picked up the sure signs of weightloss and bad sleeping habits. His lips pursed unhappily as guilt flushed his face.

Whatever it takes to make him happy. B'jin finally replied to Larrikith, his mind thick with sadness.

The healer cringed subtly at the irritation in B'jin's tone. As affectionate as he felt towards the man, there would always be a part of the greenrider that scared Talian. He didn't reply, instead he just dropped the subject, more than willing to take a hint.

He brightened marginally at the discussion of B'jin's condition, though his interest was not so strong in light of the topic at hand. "That's pretty horrible," he said, squinting at the boils and imagining all sorts of crazy ideas to try and fix it. They weren't exactly halfhearted ideas, more sluggish; he was, after all, reasonably distracted.

He withdrew instinctively when B'jin's hand touched his chin, but as quickly as he realized what he'd done, he relaxed. He sighed weakly and slid forward, inviting himself into a tight hug with the greenrider. He imagined B'jin wouldn't want him to take the request as an order, but he did anyhow. Talian took many things as orders, from the softest suggestion to the most desperate request.

He hesitated for a few long seconds before speaking. "Her name is Fiora," he explained, voice catching for a couple uncomfortable seconds as he tried to produce her name. "She was my best friend almost ever since Talerian took me to the Hall, when I was six," he explained.

He sighed and stopped short, reconsidering this entire exercise. B'jin had trusted him with personal stories, though...turnabout was fair play, plus Talian wasn't sure he could keep his anxiety over her to himself anymore. "She was my only friend, and the only person in the world that mattered to me," he whispered hoarsely against B'jin's chest. "Not my parents, especially not my father...My mom didn't mean any harm, but she didn't do anything to protect any of us from dad...She let him deny my sisters education and marry them off too young, and she let him drag me off to the Hall..."

"I guess I loved my sisters too, but they I barely even know the younger ones. The only reason I can remember the littlest one's name is because it's so close to mine - Talira," he said. "Fiora, though. She was my best friend. I was...I guess I was kind of obsessed with her for a long time. I didn't trust anyone else, or want to spend time with anyone else...but I was so busy that I didn't see as much of her as I wanted until we walked. I walked before her, though...so I missed her graduation because I was a-away."

His voice had started to warble. He was on a slipper slope, and he knew it. He spoke though gritted teeth, refusing to let himself cry. "...I was in love with her, B'jin. And when I got promoted, she came up to me after the ceremony..."

He trailed off. He didn't know how to describe that night, nor was he even going to try. He remembered how confidently she slid up to him, how discreetly and yet sensually she lured him aside...She knew exactly what she was doing the moment she approached, exactly what they were getting in to.

"I don't know. We talked about it afterwards, how we were scared she might be pregnant. We were talking about getting married," he explained. He swallowed hard, his throat too tight to continue. He decided to stop. He buried his face against B'jin and held his breath until he felt the tightness start to fade away, though he imagined the slightest disturbance might bring him to the edge of tears again.

"I know I shouldn't be thinking about her any more," he said after a long pause. "But I can't help it."

"Oh, Tal, don't say that." B'jin murmured softly, holding the young healer to himself with firm, reassuring arms as his chin rested ever so lightly atop Talian's head. His left hand was drawing gentle, soothing circles on Talian's back, eyes unfocused as he stared across the room at the picture of M'ram and her two young daughters he had drawn all those Turns ago. He had been afraid, when Katila had formed, that he wouldn't remember the contours of his sister's face with enough clarity to do her image justice. He had been afraid he would forget the details of his nieces bright eyes and cheerful smiles. Instead, he had surprised himself with the easy clarity he had manage to remember them with. He expected some part of it could be paid to Larrikith, and her remarkable ability to manipulate his mind. B'jin knew enough from his Weyrling class, and from watching that of Renewed Hope, that Larri wasn't really meant to have the abilities she did, when it came to picking through his mind and that of those she set upon. Probably, that was why she was such an amazing Search dragon.

"Never forget, Talian." B'jin continued, squeezing the healer a little tighter for a moment before relaxing his grip. "It is the people of our past, that helped shape who we are. The good, the bad. All of them." He tilted his head, so his cheek rested on Talian's head instead, turning his eyes away from M'ram's static gaze. "I am truly sorry." B'jin whispered huskily, his tone laced with guilt and regret. He loved Talian, adored him, and he would have taken him back North if - somehow - he could have gotten away with it. Loosening his grip and stepping away gently, B'jin held Talian's arms lightly just below the shoulder. "If you want, and only if you want, I will check on her. Nothing more, nothing less. Make sure she is okay." His look intensified, and his grip tightened, "But only if you want."

The healer accepted B'jin's touch without complaint, gripping the greenrider with unusual boldness and strength, as if he couldn't bear to let go. "That's just the thing, B'jin," he whispered, voice strained and tight. "She was all I had. Everything good in me is there because of her." His parents were garbage. His siblings didn't matter. He had n friends. There was just her. How was he supposed to remember her without remaining obsessed with her? How could he give her the place she deserved in his mind and heart without remaining tethered to her, drowning as if bound to an anchor?

He swallowed hard and gave B'jin a particularly tight squeeze. "Well...now there's you, and Eri, and the others..." he whimpered, still struggling to maintain command of his own voice. He didn't want to cry. He'd done quite enough of that lately. Instead he fell silent for a few long moments, enjoying B'jin's obvious concern and considering the older man's equally obvious remorse. B'jin was speaking from the heart. Talian couldn't see B'jin;s eyes fixed on that drawing, but he was far from stupid. After B'jin's little outburst earlier, that weight of experience in his voice could only be a reference to one thing.

Somehow, B'jin had managed to make Talian feel bad for being unhappy. Now it felt to the young healer that he was just bringing B'jin down, too.

He frowned as B'jin asked his next question. Talian buried his face against B'jin's neck and let out a long sigh, his body relaxing as if in complete lethargy. "I don't know how to answer that," he said with a striking coldness that was entirely foreign in the young man's voice. "I hate not knowing. I hate that I didn't even get to say goodbye to her, or that she'll never know what happened to me." His words slowed to a crawl. "But I don't think there's an answer I would like to hear, either..." he sighed. "Worse case scenario, she's pregnant and alone and miserable and still worried about me, and there's nothing I can do about it...Best case, she's moved on and forgotten all about me already, and I really am a complete loser," he said.

Who was he kidding? He was a complete loser either way. No amount of intellect could change that. No shoulder knots, no title, no nothing.

Quietly, B'jin listened as Talian spoke, holding the young Healer securely against himself the entire while. He was beginning to particularly enjoy the way their relationship was mellowing into less of he and Talian dancing around each other on tip-toes, always so worried about offending the other or causing trouble, and instead their easy hugs and casual intimacy pleased him. He enjoyed Talian's companionship and was glad the young man was easing off, a little, from his usual timid stance when around him. Of course, B'jin still made him twitch at times, but in so being said, there were times when Talian made B'jin worry he'd gone too far, as well.

"Talian!" B'jin hadn't realised he'd snapped until the words left his mouth, and the man's eyes widened comically for a moment before he quickly hugged Talian tightly, appologising silently for the outburst. Breathing deeply in, B'jin sighed across the top of Talian's head. Hearing someone downgrade themselves was not something B'jin enjoyed, or accepted. Having doubts, or fearing failure, or expecting to always do better was something normal and natural and everyone expereinced it. But the way Talian had said that, had struck a chorde in B'jin and caused him to snap before he could stop himself. He wasn't angry, so much as shocked. Talian was a very intelligent and resorceful young man. He was most certainly not a loser of any style.

"Please don't say that." B'jin murmured, holding Talian tightly for a moment before he gently released him and took a step back, head tilting as his mind was infiltrated by Larrikith; He needs a dragon. Her own voice was almsot soft, carrying an implied frown upon it. B'jin frowned slightly, his expression asking the question that didn't form, in his mind or on his lips. Larrikith didn't bother to answer it, however, as she gently withdrew. Shrugging it off, B'jin's brown eyes focused on Talian, eyes soft. "You do not give yourself enough credit, Talian." He didn't mean academically, either, but in general. The healer was too hard on himself, and his expectations appeared to be skewed.

Talian cringed from B'jin's snapping voice as if it were a whip. He didn't protest, for like any subjugated self-loather, he believed he deserved it. He let out a muffled whimper and clutched tighter to the man, his stiff body relaxing at B'jin's equally swift apology. Talian didn't hold it against him. He loved B'jin like a father. That didn't erase the pain from being kidnapped or the unpleasant memories concerning their first few conversations, but those things could be forgiven. He'd learned to expect B'jin's occasional spikes of temper or sadness, and he knew and accepted that B'jin would always listen to his own grievances.

Talian wasn't oblivious to his own hot and cold nature, either. While he'd made some modest improvements, he was becoming more and more prone to wild mood swings. All the things he was presently ranting about continued to drive him mad. Sometimes he complained to Erisi or sometimes he complained to B'jin, but far too often he just kept it to himself. Locked in his head, his problems either melted in with the stupor caused by his medication or swirled about uninhibited so he could over-think them and torment himself. One day he was nearly content and the next he wanted to die. It was a treacherous cycle.

At that very moment, Talian's mood swings made their grand appearance. B'jin's next comment earned a new kind of response from Talian, one no Katilan had truly witnessed. Anger. Talian's embrace shifted as he gripped B'jin's shirt with his hands, tilting his head up just enough to make eye contact with the greenrider. "B'jin," he said, narrowing his eyes like a tunnel snake, "How is it you're focusing on the one part of this that's unimportant?" Did B'jin just not want to acknowledge Talian's concerns? Did he have nothing to say about Fiora? Not even a small word of condolence?  Or was he trying not to say anything? Talian could practically smell the guilt on the greenrider, so it wouldn't surprise him. After all, B'jin was the reason he'd never see her again, and without even a goodbye!

His hands and voice shook. Tears pooled in his eyes. He ground his teeth in frustration and jerked away, wrapping his arms around himself and choking back his tears. He refused to look B'jin in the face, instead looking at his feet and wringing his fingers anxiously against his arms. "B'jin..." he said, tone uneasy and uncharacteristically dark, "Can we just talk about something else?" He wished he could talk about something else forever. He needed to banish Fiora from his mind, and to a lesser extent, his parents.

"...I'm sorry," he added afterwards, the anger in his voice draining away almost as quickly as it appeared. He had no fire. There wasn't a single part of him bold enough to fight, even about the things that mattered the most to him. That's why he rolled over for Katila, the reason he accepted bad treatment from others and the reason he muddled through his captivity like a beaten housewife. It was the only reaction he knew.

Of course, it was also the reaction he always assumed he’d need. Defensive and pessimistic, his negative tendencies often blinded him to the good in his life. It was hard to value the people he’d come to love and depend on at Katila when he had a distant home and life to fret about. The lack of closure was killing him, but in a sudden surge of bitterness, he realized he was probably never going to have it. He gave a pathetic laugh.

“I’m sorry, B’jin. I’m a mess. I didn’t mean to come in here and make a scene…” he whispered.

B'jin felt the responses Talian gave, first to his snapping and then following his hasty response. The fact that he could bring about such a strong response in the boy still bothered the man; the healer was obviously far too used to being abused - especially if he thought B'jin, of all pepole, was going to hurt him. The greenrider knew he had a bit of a temper at times, but he had never hit anyone, and certainly never dreamed of hitting a child or a woman. As he hugged Talian tightly, chin resting on the healer's head, B'jin had to correct that line of thought. He was well aware of his tendency to think of Talian as a child, as opposed to a young man. He knew Talian was more than old enough to be considered a man; but he had difficulty with seeing the healer picturing himself as such. B'jin sighed softly, his puzzled confusion in the expelled air, as he was given a bare moment of peace before Talian's little explosion.

The man's dark blonde eyebrows arched upwards on his forhead at the accusation, but he made no effort to come to his own defence; brown eyes placid, body relaxed. He watched the boy pull away (he was definitely a boy at the moment, B'jin decided, watching him calmly) and waited as Talian hugged himself. No reply was given at Talian's less-than-a-question request; said in the same manner as some of B'jin's own comments from earlier, the greenrider simply studied the healer with interest as he waited... and there it was.

The apology came, just as he knew it would.  A moment later, a dark laugh and another apology, followed by excuses. B'jin leaned back slightly on his heels, frowning as both arms rose slowly to cross over his chest. His expression was curious and very slightly irritated as he watched Talian, quietly waiting. When he was sure the masterhealer wasn't going to say any more, he spoke, still with the closed off air he had created by leaning back and crossing is arms. The frown was less predominate, but his eyes were afire with a rapid array of emotions that would not sit still.

"Did you mean it?" It was a simple question, and his expression was serious as the sun rising every morning. His lips were pursed, but he released the pressure enough to speak once more, "Never apologise for your belief." B'jin fought the urge to relent and simply hug Talian, hug him until everything was as better as it would ever be. But on this, he would remain as firm and untouchable as he had to, to get is point across. "No one should ever apologise their beliefs."

There it was. Talian could read the confusion in B'jin's face, along with subtle irritation and what may have been disappointment or something akin. The healer let out a ragged sigh and raised one hand to his forehead, wiping away some sweat and rubbing his temples gently.

"I did mean it," he said, trying his best to regain a bit of dignity after his outburst. 'Embarrassed' wasn't quite the right word; perhaps humiliated. He'd acted like a child. Now he felt cornered, like B'jin was persecuting him for trying to defend himself. He knew it wasn't true, but the very notion lingered in his subconscious, prodding at him cruelly in an effort to keep him from rest. He wiped his eyes and looked back at B'jin, mentally exhausted and wishing only for the whole thing to end.

"I..." he started, taking a couple nervous steps towards B'jin. He lingered close by, quite obviously wanting to hug the man, but not daring actually initiate it. "I really am sorry. You're just trying to help me," he said with a shudder. He couldn't imagine why, he was certain he was just a burden to the greenrider.

B'jin must have really cared, to tolerate so much angst out of someone who must have stirred up a lot of guilt.

He sighed again, almost with catharsis. "I feel a little bit better, actually." It didn't mean he wasn't still a wreck. "I've only talked about Fiora once since I got here, and that was only for a moment...but I think about her all the time..." he admitted. He looked at B'jin earnestly, pleadingly. "....Do you think you can check on her for me, please? I don't care if it's bad news, I just can't stand not knowing...it'll drive me crazy for the rest of my life..."

B'jin nodded once, at Talian's answer. He didn't seem too interested in adding anything to what he had said previously as the greenrider instead continued to watch the young healer with a bland expression. Whatever he was thinking wasn't going to be sounded, however, as his lips pursed and his eyelids fluttered shut for a moment. Taking a deep breath in, B'jin held it for a moment before sighing it out. Eyes opened once more, to peer down at Talian with warmth as the young man came inching towards him.

The searchrider waited for a bit, watching as Talian seemed to fight off the desire to act upon hugging him. B'jin wasn't sure how to take that as he relaxed, dropping his arms to his sides but reluctant to actually act upon the hug Talian wanted, but wasn't willing to initiate. His head tilted, slightly, at Talian's apology and B'jin sighed, visibly resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the healer.

Worried he would say something Larrikith inspired, B'jin shrugged slightly and ran a hand through his hair. "It's fine, Talian." He wasn't lying; B'jin could more than handle Talian coming around to throw a tantrum if that was what he needed to do - to bitch or swear or cry or stamp his feet (although B'jin would prefer he didn't smash any of his belongings) but he was finding the Healers desire to apologise afterwards a little tiering, when he'd just admitted to meaning the words he'd spoken.

"Good," B'jin murmured, nodding slightly as Talian seemed to relax a little where he was standing. The topic, and his request however, caused B'jin's eyebrows to arch slightly. Brown eyes studied the Healer's face with quiet intensity, making sure the request was true and not born from one of Talian's desires to do something to make someone else happy. Deciding Talian was being reasonable in his request, and not simply saying as much because B'jin had brought it up, the man nodded.

"Of course."

Tal froze in place, shocked at B'jin's apparent disinterest in his apology. The healer didn't know what was going though B'jin's head, but his natural tendencies were going to war with what he knew to be true. He knew B'jin loved him. The greenrider wouldn't tolerate him otherwise. The coldness coming off of B'jin unnerved Talian, who only assumed he was being rejected. He swallowed hard and took a deferring step backwards.

"I appreciate it," he murmured, folding his hands in front of him and looking at his feet. I guess we're both screwed up today he thought dimly. He didn't want to look back up at B'jin. He couldn't bear to see the disappointment and rejection that he anticipated. He wasn't even quite sure what he'd done so wrong, attributing B'jin's sudden distance to his outburst or his complaints rather than the fact that he kept apologizing. He was used to people wanting those apologies, not pushing him away for it. As he stood there in silence, however, the wheels in his head started turning. After all, he wasn't stupid.

Unable to bear it any longer, he popped again.

"B'jin," he said after an uncomfortable pause, "I know I'm awfully pathetic sometimes. And I'm not trying to disparage myself or earn your sympathy. It's true, and you'd have to be blind not to know it," he said, looking back to the greenrider with his usual wide-eyed honesty.  "Right now, I don't understand what I've done to upset you. But I do understand that whatever it is, it's pushing you away...and B'jin, I don't think I can live without you."

He swallowed hard. "I shouldn't have spilled all of that on you today....but not because I shouldn't have told you. I should have told you long ago, especially since it's been bothering me. I lose sleep every night, B'jin. I can't even function without taking medicine, but the medicine makes me stupid..." There was a hint of resentment at the word 'stupid'. "But you shared things with me today that I don't think you share with very many people...I don't know, I guess I felt like I owed you. You spent a lot of time trying to get me to talk to you about things, and I..." he paused, the words catching his his throat. "I just kept pushing you away."

He sighed and took a sudden step forward, throwing his arms around B'jin and squeezing tightly. He didn't ask for or wait for permission. He wasn't sure what to say now; his little spill was not exactly out of character, but it was a rare thing. Talian was thoughtful and sensitive, not to mention well spoken. He had plenty of potential to deliver eloquent little speeches, he just never did. It was becoming a more common occurring at Katila, though. Right now, it served as a subtle cry for help, a cry he didn't even realize he was issuing.

"I hope I haven't upset you too badly," Talian said softly, choosing consciously not to apologize again; it was beginning to tire even him, though in his case it's because he hated reminding himself of how pathetic he could be. This had to stop, and he knew it. It had to stop soon.

He squeezed tighter.

B'jin's expression altered slightly as Talian stepped away, a frown flickering and his lips pursing unhappily. His weight shifted unconsciously, swinging him forward as if the man were going to follow the healer in his steps. Instead, he rocked back on his heel and stood straight, spine stiffening as Talian muttered and fidgeted before him. Knowing he probably wasn't handling the situation to the best of his ability, but unsure how to deal with Talian as often as not wasn't helping the greenrider at all. Both hands rose, fingers shoved to comb back through the blonde hair in a movement filled to the brim with exasperation.

B'jin's arms dropped like rocks to his sides as Talian held his confusion out palm up, and B'jin wasn't sure whether he wanted to find a solid wall to bash his own poor head against, or hug the boy for trying. It was a tough battle, which wasn't helped by Larrikith poking her nose into his mind to see what was going on, only to leave it echoing with her devious laughter. Stupid dragon! B'jin cast his eyes in her direction, expression burning with irked anger at the beast, who simply responded by rumbling her laughter vocally. B'jin glared at her wall for a moment longer before swinging his gaze back to Talian, the expression softening the moment after it had landed on the boy. Talian was speaking... B'jin blinked, focusing. He needed him? Pushing him away? Confusion flashed full across B'jin's face before his desire to hit his head on something hard returned, definitely visible in his exasperation with the young healer.

"Oh, Talian." B'jin practically whined the name, wrapping his arms around the young man as he flung himself at him. Breathing softly, B'jin kissed the top of Talian's head gently, hugging him tightly. "You haven't upset me," B'jin sighed, voice resigned. "Just, please stop sharding apologising for everything!" There was more amusement than anything else in that statement, and he gave Talian a tight squeeze. "You didn't owe me anything, Talian," B'jin said softly, leaning backwards slightly so he could see the boy's face, a slight smile just barely flickering over his lips, irony thick in it before he spoke. "I am sorry, however. I'm usually only tempermental like this when Larri is due to fly - which she most assuredly is not until the beginning of winter. But." He paused for a moment to take a quiet breath. "We were banished roughly this time of year, and I don't know which day M'ram was lost, but." He shuddered slightly, breathing strongly through his nose. "Yesterday was the day I gave to her name. She deserved that much."

Talian was right, when he assumed not many people were privy to that part of B'jin's life. It wasn't a subject he could easily talk about; quite often it wasn't even one he could think about without falling to pieces. He had a reputation to uphold, and crying at a tender subject was not something he wanted going around. Very few people were aware he had lost anyone at all during the Plague and, it was somewhat taboo to bring up their banishment from the North. Every one at Katila had a bucket load skeletons hidden under their bed from the Plague, and very few were willing to show their own off, in exchange for seeing what their neighbour had hidden.

Talian's feelings were hurt by B'jin's obvious exasperation. The boy didn't know how to be any more honest or intimate than he was, but initially he worried his rant had only offended B'jin worse. His fears melted away when B'jin accepted the hug and gave him that gentle kiss on the top of the head. Talian managed a weak but sincere laugh and returned the gesture, kissing B'jin's shoulder and once again gripping the man as tightly as he could.

"Thanks for putting up with my shit," he said bluntly, the dangling nature of the comment indicating that he would be willing to put up with B'jin's shit, too. "I guess I do apologize too much. Talerian would have expected it out of me, but...well,you're not him. Not by a long shot." Another tight squeeze for emphasis. B'jin was nothing like Talerian. B'jin was infinitely better.

"If I get to be temperamental, you get to be temperamental, too. We both lost something," Talian reasoned lightly, his voice again sounding frail, while still absolutely saturated with relief. He hated tension and could barely stand the idea of B'jin being angry with him. "I..I guess I just feel like I can trust you with things like that. I still can't believe that I'm never going to see her again," he whispered. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to touch another girl again...I've considered it, and even thinking about it feels like...cheating," he confessed weakly.

He sighed and peeled away. "I really am sorry about your sister. I wish I knew mine better," he offered, eyes widening and welling up with regretful frustration. He didn't know what to say, so instead he just allowed a sympathetic frown to cross his face. He knew without making direct comment that dragonriders had plenty of baggage. They'd all gone through something terrible that they now had in common, not unlike himself and the rest of his classmates. It didn't go the same for all of them, but they all knew the sting.

He wanted to offer help, and there was only one way. "If you like, I can make you a blend for your klah that will help you sleep better.." he offered lightly. He knew it was messed up, offering sleep aids when he refused to take them himself. B'jin was a responsible adult though, with no history of overdoing himself on Thymus and causing scenes in the dining hall (well, B'jin did that without the thymus!) or getting addicted to minor drugs like klah. At least that Talian was aware of.

Hey, the kid was trying to help.

B'jin  laughed softly at Talian's blunt wording, squeezing affectionately before loosening the hold and frowning down at Talian as he mentioned his father. Irritation and disgust warred on the man's face at the mention of the healer's father, before he brushed him off with an irritated snort and dropped another kiss on Talina's head. B'jin was a lot of things, but he was very proud of the fact that he wasn't a heartless son of a bitch. "That man is not worth the air he breathes," B'jin said dismissively, brushing the nasty topic aside with a scrunched up nose.

"As for your girl," B'jin sighed softly and stepped back lightly, releasing Talian from his grip. "I will check on her, for you. But it may have to wait until Winter. We're not meant to be seen within the same area for certain amounts of time." B'jin grimaced, even going in Winter would likely be cutting it close. The fact that he was last seen there just before a master healer went missing was not really needed to be added. While he might not be kidnapping anyone, he would likely end up asking interesting questions as he searched for the girl Talian was so smitten with, and that in itself could cause some interesting gossip. He had no desire to earn a reputation while on the Northern continent; Larrikith was too good a Searcher to lose her because of him doing something foolish.

"If that is how you feel, than there isn't much you can do about it, Tal." B'ji offered uselessly. "Dragonflights are meant to be... liberating," B'jin offered, his expression slightly comical, "Larrikith uses them to 'expand my horizons'" those three words were exceedingly sarcastic. It wasn't quite the same as refusing to sleep with another girl because the one he loved was missing, but B'jin had only had two lovers - who were lovers. Larrikith's flights were the only form of action he'd gotten for over two (or was it three?) Turns. He didn't quite feel like admitting that at the moment, but figured Talian would get the general idea.

"Me too." B'jin murmured, not really keen on diving back into that pile of torn up memories. Instead, he just snorted in amusement as he offered to make him a kind of sleeping draught. "That's alright, Tal," B'jin smiled, amused. "I'd rather not be unconscious if the children come around and it's enough of a risk to sleep while Larrikith is breathing. Passing out might be pushing it." The cheerful wink he gave indicated he was teasing. Maybe.

Talian swallowed hard, his eyes shining brightly and full of fear as he thought about his father. "...You're right," he finally agreed, face twisting into a troubled expression. His own hatred of his father made him uncomfortable. Even as a fresh captive Talian had chosen to be afraid of B'jin rather than hate him. Talian wasn't good at hating people, and it felt positively wrong to hate his own father.

Then again, Talian had a very poor understanding of love in most contexts. He felt that way because he was supposed to. People were supposed to love their parents. Then again, parents were supposed to love their children, too.

Talian just smiled, this one weary and torn, but entirely sincere. "You're a better dad than he is," he murmured, looking deep into B'jin's eyes with meek gratitude. His expression darkened slightly at the comment about Fiora, but the healer seemed intent to accept it with as much dignity as he could. He closed his eyes sagely and nodded. "That's okay...I'm just worried about her," he said softly. "She is strong, though. She would probably be jut fine here, if our places were reversed..." he mused. He sighed. "Not that I want her here. I'd kill to see her again, but it wouldn't be worth ruining her life, even if it were possible..."

He shook his head and looked to B'jin again. He'd noticed the darkness in B'jin's eyes when the sister was mentioned, so Talian decided to say nothing else about it. He figured B'jin already knew anything he could say anyhow. Tal would be more than willing to listen, to help in any way he could, and a slight nod of acknowledgement served as his promise to that effect.

"You know," he said, shifting to the previous topic in a polite evasion of the taboo one, "I wasn't even thinking about dragonflight.  I consider that just another reason to avoid Impression." His tone was timid as ever, but the faint bit of humor in his eyes betrayed that he was, at least on some level, joking. It was both a good and bad sign; good because it showed how comfortable he was with B'jin, bad because Talian typically only told jokes to cover up some sort of discomfort. Talian trusted B'jin totally, as evidenced by his sudden grin. "I hardly think piling on some stranger is liberating," he said. "Though I guess...Eri..." he trailed off suddenly, his mind suddenly seized by curious thoughts about Erisi.

"I should hope so!" B'jin replied indignantly, more than a little put out by his parenting skills being compared to a man such as Talerian. B'jin was incredibly fond of his two young brats, and perhaps over compensated in doting on them in part because he was unable to be fully involved in his eldest's life, and lost his sister's children to boot. Of course, B'jin also felt he had enough love for all the children of the Weyr, and often went out of his way to steal as many as possible whenever he could. The fact that a minority of the men within the Weyr actively took part in the raising of their children was probably part of the reason B'jin so regularly got away with it.

B'jin shifted uncomfortably as Talian mused out loud, more than aware of any underlying implications, though he didn't pin Talian as the type to be of that style. The fact was, B'jin had no illusions as to whose fault it was Talian was stuck in Katila. While he could, if he really wanted, bat such responsibility off on D'ren, Tusen, the plague or, Faranth above, the firelizards themselves, B'jin was slightly more responsible. He didn't appreciate his selected being unhappy, and he did go out of his way to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. The greenrider was lucky, in that he was one of the few that could call more friendships with his Stolen than enemies. Not all the Searchrider's were quite so lucky, and really, B'jin was still somewhat floored by the statistics.

"Oh, it's not so bad." B'jin laughed, amused. "Larri just thinks I need more," he paused, trying to think of an eloquent way to put it. "Variety. Most dragons settle down; Larri is fairly unique in her flight requirements." B'jin shrugged light heartedly before lighting up in amusement as Talian grinned at him. His comment caused the older man to choke on a gasp of laughter, spluttering as he fought to breath as Talian's mind apparently drifted far away from the reality of the world they were in. B'jin's laughter was silent but fiercely shook his shoulders as he stood with one hand clapped over his mouth. B'jin watched Talian's face blank out, waiting for the young man to return to him, and thoroughly enjoying his expressions while he was away. Priceless!