Unpleasant memories

As Sanderon watched the emotions come up into Talian's face, his brows creased slightly with worry. It was more than clear that Talian was not as emotionally distant as he thought the man might be. Sure he had seen evidence in Talian that showed otherwise but now, it was unmistakeable. Talian was hurting. Maybe even as much as himself. Sanderon wouldn't doubt it. Talian had been 'captured' only a couple months after he had. They both obviously did not want to be here. Both knew great pain.

Sanderon did not know, other than Talian's capture and his suicide attempt what the man had gone through. But he did know what he himself had suffered and it was not something he enjoyed remembering. He had told Talian already about the rough time he had here but he had pretty much glossed it over in his telling. With a sudden thought to help Talian as much as the Healer was trying to help him, Sanderon decided to open up a little more.

"You say I'm not alone. Have you experienced a gang of tormentors who mock your loss and pain and spit into your face? Who kicked your ribs until you couldn't breath? Who shoved you around every single day of your miserable life? Did you have others that could have helped save you from them turn a blind eye every time? I am alone Talian. Sorry to burst your illusions of camaraderie but I don't have the same situation as a hundred other people. You say that being alone doesn't have to be true? That hasn't been the case with me so far. Nearly two years I've been here, alone. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially now that I've...you know...lost my mind."

Sanderon was not angry. But he was feeling a slight grip of frustration through his sadness. His voice was not raised. It still spoke quietly and tiredly. He wished he could believe Talian but everything so far had proved the man wrong. At least in Sanderon's eyes.

"An outlet for me is impossible. I am a hunter. I could provide for the weyr and fill many bellies with my hunts but I am not even allowed to touch wood to make a bow let alone actually use one. My dagger was taken from me shortly after I came here too. The only outlet I had ever hoped for was a day or two by myself in the woods. But even that got me lashed and humiliated." Sanderon shook his head sadly and looked at the flowers on the table. Then he did something he never thought he'd do. He confided his secret.

What did it matter anymore.

"I'd been stockpiling a bit of food from my meals near the weyr, which is probably taken by tunnel snakes at this point. I would live off that until I built a bow for myself. I had plans for living off the land until this happened." He gestured tiredly around the room. "I'm not so stupid to think that I will ever make it home. But I can't stay at the weyr anymore. I have no desire to take my own life but I can't live like that any more. I can't take one more day of being tormented and no one caring. I don't want to be lashed again for my 'escape attempts' but I'll chance it if I have to. ....I don't suppose they'll let me stay here do you?"

Sanderon's lip twitched in the beginnings of a smile as his last question slipped out. He was hoping he could stay but knew it would never be granted.