Starlight, Starbright [Talian]

Talian listened patiently to B'jin, eyes wide and thoughtful, though his face was buried in the greenrider's shoulder for much of the time. B'jin's tenderness was appreciated, but much of the content was news to Talian. It surprised him at first, but as the seconds drug on and he had more time to absorb it, it all made much more sense.

"Oh, B'jin..." Talian breathed lightly, peeling himself away from the man just enough to look up and meet hs gaze. Talian's wide eyes were as honest as ever, broadcasting his emotions in a much more eloquent and empathetic way than his awkward words ever could. There was tenderness there, along with love and understanding, but there was also a great deal of confusion and guilt as well.

"I didn't know that, B'jin. But it makes sense to me," he whispered, as if his fragile voice couldn't go any louder. "You...have behaved in ways that worried me before. It's like sometimes you forget your words right after they come out of your mouth. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier." In honesty, the boy was trying hard not to spin off into a medical tangent. Partially it was born of curiosity and desire to learn, but it was also a subtle evasion tactic. It was unsettling and perhaps insulting to know that B'jin didn't even remember events that Talian recalled so vividly, but the pleading look on B'jin's face reminded Talian to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Tal managed one of his nervous smiles. "What I said was true. You acted like it was nothing. Like I should have been happy," he said. His words lacked the bite they carried before; now it was just factual. "It was very offensive to me at the time. It felt like you were mocking me, and I have always wondered about it. It was there the second time I spoke to you as well, but near the end..." That's when he'd seen the guilt. The healer observed his father softly, curious eyes betraying just how well he finally understood.

B'jin repressed bad memories. It all made sense now, and that was a large part of what Talian had wanted all along. "But I get it. You block out things that upset you. I've treated people for that before."

Whoops! Talian's hands shot up.

"Not that I think you need treatment! I...well, after what I did, I don't think I have any right to criticize someone else's coping mechanism...!" Oh shards! The boy blushed furiously. "But I'm glad you told me. Thank you." Now he wouldn't wonder anymore.

"I guess I should tell you something about me, too," Tal offered lightly. "I'm not like you. I'm...almost opposite," he said. "I never forget anything. I...I obsess over bad things. I always have, ever since I was very little. I remember falling down when I was four turns old and ripping the knees on my pants. Talerian had just bought them for me, and when I got home, he beat me. I still remember the exact words he said to me during it, Dad."

He shook his head slowly, unmoved by the memory. "It's part of what made me good at my lessons, but it's been a problem as well. Bad things play over and over again in my head, and every little details sticks with me forever. I guess...I guess that's my problem."

He wrinkled his nose. He'd never asked to be smart. "I don't like it. I don't like being smart, B'jin. It's just given people a reason to single me out, and it's...I just can't understand other people sometimes." He was sure this was no news to B'jin, but it was worth pointing out. "Or how to talk to them," he added, this time borderline sulky, though in a rather harmless way. "Or handle change. Or talk to people I don't know."

He rolled his eyes at himself. "I don't know, B'jin. I'm just really sorry. You've listened to me complain and done everything you can for me for over a turn now. I don't have any right to throw it back in your face," he whimpered at last, looking down in shame.  "And I'm so fucked up that I can't do anything. I'm trying, though...I really am."

He looked up again, unable to avoid eye contact for long. His eyes were suddenly intense. "It's hard for me to do anything without a goal. I've always survived by having something to look forward to. Shards, I hope that makes sense...and..with nothing ahead and all that shit to worry about behind, I just...couldn't ever get my mind off it. But it's not your fault."

Another sudden hug. "You're the best. I can admit that you probably saved me. I'm just not sure what to do now." He nuzzled the greenrider shamelessly. His voice was steady now, even strong. "I didn't mean to talk about all this tonight, either. It's just...on my mind," he added swiftly, looking imploringly at B'jin.

"I know you'd never hurt me. I'm sorry things can't be the way they used to be for you. I know it would make you proud if I was a dragonrider...or if I just wanted to be," he said, trying to find the right way to voice condolences for B'jin's obvious sadness. B'jin was proud of his searching. Tal didn't understand, but he could tell the new connotations of searchriding were upsetting for the man. Something he'd once been proud of had turned evil.

"I'm sorry I can't. I don't think I'd make a very good dragonrider anyhow...No offense, Larri."

It was the first time he'd even spoken directly to her in a casual context, and the first time he'd ever used her nickname.