Starlight, Starbright [Talian]

Talian knew he was in trouble as soon as B'jin fell silent and remained silent for so long. The healer drew up unconsciously and got quiet himself, lips tight and fingers curled anxiously in his lap. When the retort finally came, Talian liked to think he was mentally prepared for it. Tal had gotten used to B'jin's temper and unpredictability. He was also used to being frequently admonished by people he cared about.

There were a lot of things he could point out about B'jin's answer. There were a lot of things that Talian wanted the answers to. After that, however, he was unwilling to ask. He cringed lightly at B'jin's words and looked back at him, his expression once again accusing and filled with those pressing questions. Why, if B'jin was forced to search, had he been so sharding cheerful about it? That was the one that had always bothered Talian the most. B'jin acted so proud of what he'd done. The fact that he was forced made no difference if he was proud of it. Talian would never forgive B'jin for how cheerful he'd been on the day he ruined the young man's life. That was the most hurtful part of the whole ordeal. B'jin had been all smiles and sunshine that day, and it was hideously insulting.

Talian wasn't going to say it, though. Not after that. The expression on his face diminished to an anticlimactic blankness and he looked away, his feelings obviously hurt by the comments, but not so much that he chose to turn it into a fight. He very well could, but it wasn't worth it. Even if he made good points, B'jin would ignore them as he always did. B'jin was a master at ignoring whatever was inconvenient for him. Fighting would only make both of them feel worse, so Talian was more than willing to let B'jin be right. Deep down Talian knew that B'jin already felt bad for what had happened.

Talian  felt worse, though. Or at least he once had. Now it didn't seem worth the effort, but parts of it still gnawed at him. What he longed for most desperately was some sense of closure on the matter, and that wasn't something he was ever likely to have. "It doesn't matter anymore, anyhow," was his only response, utterly bland, in spite of the apology he'd already received. That wasn't the same as not accepting the apology, but he felt emotionally withdrawn, unwilling to say anything for fear of sparking a conflict that he didn't want to get in to.

He watched as Larri walked away. A small but vocal part of the healer found himself wanting to walk over to her and pet her again. She looked so put out! He could only imagine B'jin had spoken harshly to her, though over what he couldn't imagine. Certainly not him. He resisted the small temptation and just watched, since actually getting up and walking away would look more aggressive than he intended.

During B'jin's next comments, Talian remained motionless and unresponsive. He'd almost tuned the man out, thinking about all sorts of other topics in short bursts while trying to pick up the little scraps B'jin was giving him as well. Talian didn't have much enthusiasm for the response, but he did tilt his head slightly in B'jin's direction and nod. "I wouldn't be happy at home anyhow," he said, like a child deciding they no longer wanted something because they couldn't have it. There was some truth in there as well. He'd been miserable at home, and some part of him knew that Katila should have been a welcome escape for him. He'd already touched on that, so he didn't feel the need to say anything.

He was jolted from his quietness by the sudden hug. He squeaked, lacking in any dignity, and wiggled for a few moments before he realized what was going on. His heart jumped; for a moment, he hadn't been sure who had him or for what reason! But shards, once he realized it was just B'jin, he felt stupid. No green was flying and J'ver couldn't hide under every rock. Here, Talian was safe. He gasped for breath for a moment before going limp in the greenrider's arms and lazily resting his head against him.

The young man had become much more accustomed to physical contact than he once had been; almost too comfortable since his run-in with J'ver. It mattered and meant so very little to him. B'jin, however, was worth the effort of a tight hug. Tal happily allowed the greenrider to nuzzle him, though he couldn't help but wonder what caused the change of tone. Talian's own mood remained muted, but a small smile did return to his face.

"I love you, too," he murmured. "And I really am going to find that cure for you..." It was the sweetest thing he could come up with to say in his alarmed, dour state. It was a pretty comical attempt, but entirely wholehearted.

The healer was silent for a few moments. His feelings had been hurt by B'jin's outburst, but the greenrider's mood swing and subsequent show of affection were almost touching. B'jin always tried so hard to make Talian happy. As the healer rested in the other man's arms and considered those attempts, he wound himself wishing very badly that he could manage it...if only once.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, B'jin," he said, looking up at the greenrider with a curious mix of emotions. "I don't mean to give you a hard time about it. There are just a lot of things about it that have never made sense to me, and that have been very hard for me to forget..."

Hadn't he just resolved not to talk about this?

"It's always bothered me how you seemed to proud of what you'd done, and how you acted offended when I told you I didn't like it here. I guess it's because we didn't know each other then," the healer said, disturbingly little emotion audible in his soft voice. "And it's all been on my mind a lot tonight."

He paused again. He wasn't sure what kind of point he was trying to make, but he was so tired of the tension in their relationship...something that he knew went back to the kidnapping. It always had. He wasn't sure if B'jin was conscious of it or not, but he was.

He set his jaw and ground his teeth a little bit, fingers twitching in his lap.

"I know I've said it all before, though. It doesn't matter. That part doesn't even really bother me anymore. It's just that...every time I tried to explain to you why, you blew me off. You always brushed it away, like I was silly for being upset or like what I said didn't matter. I felt like you thought less of me because I wasn't happy, when I had no reason to be. It's been impossible for me to forget it, B'jin. But I know you're sorry for hurting me, and I know you try very hard to make me happy." Another sigh.

"I also know I got out of it luckier than most of the others. You risked yourself to go check on my family for me, and I got away from my father, and...I got you." For the first time, his tone warmed, if only a little.

"I don't want you to think I'm still sitting around pining to go home. I know I'm never going to go home." His voice shook a little bit. "I don't think I even would now." This was the first time he'd spoken of home to anyone in quite some time. The last time, he imagined, had also been with B'jin.

"...I don't want you to think I have a grudge on you for taking me, either," he said, serious yet hollow. "It's....It's not the sort of thing I'm ever going to be able to forget,  but I know you have tried so hard to make it up to me..." His voice shook again and tears welled up in his eyes. "And I know in some ways, I've been very lucky. I've just never been able to understand," he said. "I didn't know they forced you to go, Bjin! I wish I had!" His voice nearly broke.

He collapsed into the man's shoulder, but he didn't cry, at least not like he once would have. He rested there for a few long seconds while he gained his composure. He was so much stronger than he once had been, yet still so vulnerable to his old fears.  In many ways, the past scared him more than the future. What more could the future do to him now?

"Thanks for trying so hard to help me," he said wearily. "I love you. I really do. You're a better father than my real dad, and if I had the option to go home...I'd stay here, just to choose you over him," he whispered. It was the ultimate compliment he could offer the greenrider. He didn't know what else to say.

Well, there was one small piece of information he'd been withholding since the day they met.

"By the way...my birthday is the 9th of the first month. I'm twenty-five now."