No Turning Back [Ce'lie]

I'shan looked at Ce'lie's door, an apprehensive frown frozen on his face.

I don't wanna I'shan muttered to himself. Ilveriath picked up on it and left out a gentle sigh. The blue knew the truth; I'shan did want to, but he didn't want to want to. I'shan was selfish and fearful at his core, and this topic filled him with reservations.

He'd never had a father. He'd never felt the need for a father. His mother dedicated her life to him, she gave him everything he could ever dream or hope to have growing up. What more could a father have added? What could a father have done that she couldn't do?

I'shan wasn't so sure anymore. It still baffled him, but after meeting someone like Jazira, someone so damaged by her own relationship with her father, I'shan wasn't sure what to think. Would she have done better if he'd supported her? Well, certainly, but there was another factor. What is she'd  just not known him? Did his presence in her life do more harm than good? Would I'shan's presence in Ishade's life only make things worse?

The bluerider looked helplessly to Ilveriath. I'm afraid I'll ruin everything he thought helplessly. He was terrified, both of the change in his own life and it's potential effect on Isharyn's. After months of being alone and trying to bond with the candidates he'd searched, or giving fatherly advice and feeling close to them in ways he hadn't felt possible, even in passing....Well, it was eating at him.

You know what you want to do Ilveriath purred. He realized it was a massive risk for his bonded, the sort of risk that I'shan didn't like to take. But, he was lonely, and he was guilty. He swallowed hard and knocked on the door.

"Um, hey Ce'lie. Um..is Isharyn around? I got him a present..." he said once the door opened. He put his hand over the bag he carried at his side.

Ce'lie had been in the middle of trying to clean up a very messy Ishadhe. Ishadhe squirmed and shrieked in protest as Ce'lie doused the young chid in warm water and gently rubbed his limbs with soapsand to remove the various paints and mud from him.

"Ishadhe.. please. Let me finish cleaning you!" Ce'lie all but pleaded before a familiar voice reached her ears. She wanted to groan but found she couldn't he sounded.. nervous? Looking over her shoulder, she smiled both brightly and warmly at him despite the fact she was soaked to the bone and just as mucky as Ishadhe had been moments later.

"He's right here. Just finished getting clean." Ce'lie chuckled softly, wrapping the soft towel around him and placing him on the floor. Ishadhe gave a squeal, with slightly chubby fingers gripping the towel, he raced over to I'shan, hiding behind his legs.

"No more mommy!" he whined, displaying his best pout

I'shan smiled nervously at Ce'lie, his normal brightness dampened by the serious matter at hand. "Hi," he said to her, watching as Ishadhe ran to hide behind him. A knot formed in his throat. "Hey there little guy. Don't worry! You're safe from Mommy," he said, casting the kid a small wink before looking back to Ce'lie.

"Hey, um...you ought to go get yourself some klah and sit down for a minute," I'shan suggested lightly. Shards, she looked exhausted. The bluerider found himself feeling timid. Her current state reminded him of just how much his own lifestyle might be jeopardized by this decision, but it was too late to go back now, wasn't it?

"Besides," I'shan said, clearing his throat as he reached for his bag. "I need to talk to Ishadhe in private, okay?"

He waited for a few long moments before opening his bag. "Okay, bud," he said, offering the boy a gentle smile. "I got you a present. I'm... sorry I missed you birthday," he said, taking a step back and pulling the gift from his bag. It was a toy dragon, sewn by one of I'shan's greenrider friends. It was, naturally, tailored to resembled Ilveriath.

Shards, this was harder than he expected. I'shan knelt, placing both hands on Ishadhe's arms and looking down at the floor. It took the flighty bluerider a few seconds to still his heart. It was one thing to offhandedly decide to do something like this, but immeasurably more difficult when actually preparing for a life-changing moment.

"Um, Ishadhe? I want you to listen to me real careful, okay?" the bluerider murmured, eyes widening and becoming glassy. Was he about to cry? Was that knot in his throat real, and not just something he made up to be dramatic? "I know I haven't been around much. I try to visit, but..." Shards, would the boy even understand his excuses? Did he deserve to have to hear them.

I'shan bit his lip and turned his head away for a moment. His courage almost failed him, but a gentle nudge from Ilveriath reminded him of his promise. He let out a nervous laugh, then turned to the child again.

"Ishadhe? I'm your dad..."

Ishadhe seemed to breath a sigh of relief, fingers still curled around the towel, his mass of light brown hair sticking out at odd angles, still dripping wet.

"Thanks I'shan, Mommy looked ready to get out those girlie thingies she uses!" Ishadhe looked up at I'shan, his eyes widening in mock terror. Before pulling the towel up to his head, hands beating at the towel in a churlish attempt to dry it.

Ce'lie, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow at I'shan nervous, with a warm smile that formed the ever aging wrinkles in the corners of her eyes, she nodded, placing clean clothes on one of the chairs for Ishadhe, she headed back into the kitchen to make some snacks and drinks. Something was definitely off with I'shan today.

Ishadhe's attention was instantly diverted from drying himself when I'shan mentioned a present. For a moment he stared wide eyed at it before giving a childish squeal of delight, chubby fingers reached out and carefully removed the toy from I'shan grasp and hugged it tightly. Looking up at I'shan, he blinked. Why was I'shan so serious? They were playmates! Shards, the only one Ishadhe could man stuff with, was I'shan! Like building bricks and eating mommy's yummy biscuits!

"Its okay I'shan. We all forget things!" He all but chirped, beaming up at the older man in hopes of reliving the tension. Shifting a little, Ishadhe fell silent and nodded when I'shan asked him to be quiet.

Ishadhe just stared at I'shan. Whoa, rewind! I'shan was his dad? Dude!!! This was awesome! With a little churlish squeal, Ishadhe flung himself into I'shan, the toy dropped in the heat of the moment.

"Mommy! Mommy! I have a daddy!" Ishadhe laughed, burying his face into I'shan's legs. "I have a daddy! I have a daddy!" The song like words escaping his lips as he squirmed in delight. Then he pulled back, looking up at I'shan.

"Does this mean we get more man time together?" Ishadhe blinking innocently.

I have a daddy! I have a daddy!

I'shan never had a father. He couldn't recall ever wanting one. His relationship with his mother had been so close, he never felt like he needed a father. It never really sunk in, no matter how many times other people reminded him, that other kids might not feel the same way. As I'shan watched his little boy now, however, his gut wrenched at the expression of joy on his face. I'shan bit his lip, then smiled.

"Yep," he said, throat tight and voice constricted. He put his arms around the boy and smiled gently. "We'll get to spend all kinds of time together, Ishadhe. Why don't you go finish getting dressed?" he said. He didn't want to rush the kid off, but I'shan felt like he needed a moment to keep from crying. He gave the boy another tight squeeze before picking up the toy and rising to his feet. "Go on! I'll hold your dragon for you until you get back, okay?" He smiled. "You need to think of a name for him!"

The bluerider rubbed his eyes.

ishadhe sniffled, tears of joy streaming down his face as he moved back slowly. with a teary nod, he scrambled away at speed, grabbing the clothes off the chair, the towel dropping into a heap on the floor in his haste.

"I'll call him Ilvitwith! After mommy and your's dragons!" His voice floated from his room in the hut as he quickly got dressed. He reappeared a few moments later, scowling adorably at his boots as he fought to get them on.

Ce'lie smiled from the kitchen. It was so good to see them getting on, and I'shan taking up the mantle of father. She never expected him to, only that he just visit. So even if Ishadhe didn't I'shan was his father, he knew of I'shan.