Say It Ain't So [R'nd]

I'shan wasn't sure why he was so nervous. It wasn't like he was marching to his death or trudging his way back to exile. His planned-but-unannounced meeting wasn't with the Weyrleader or anyone else of 'importance'. How had he put this off for so long? How long had it been since the dinner now? How long since his talk with B'jin? How long since Sanderon dropped the 'R' word, or since Valerian had come to ask for advice?

How was Jazira's baby? How was N'gelt's job? How was Valerian's unnamed friend?

I'shan felt like he'd emerged from a hazy underworld. A month and a half was a long time to stay so isolated from wveryone, even if he'd only been a short flight away. Sure, he popped back to the Weyr proper plenty of times during his time playing warden for Sanderon, but it wasn't the same as being there, seeing the familiar faces and hearing the goings-on with his own ears.

Three days of normalcy hadn't made I'shan feel any better, though. Lots of time alone with his thoughts hadn't done him a lot of favors, and neither had the mountain of observations people had been making about him whenever he opened his mouth. How had he been blind to so many of his own problems? His own shortcomings? It was troubling, and even the indignant I'shan had to admit when something had become a problem.

His talk with B'jin had helped a bit, but it was only a temporary solution. As I'shan stood before R'nd's door, he wondered why he thought a talk with R'nd would fix everything. He needed to talk to N'gelt. He just didn't know how.

Maybe R'nd could help him. He always could. I'shan was ashamed of having failed to speak to him for so long, though.  He wondered if B'jin would have told R'nd about their talk, but he quickly discarded that idea. B'jin was sweet and easy to talk to, but he was also self-centered and willfully ignorant. B'jin had swept the problem under a rug even at the time. I'shan couldn't imagine he'd take the time to tell R'nd about such a minor incident.

One thing was certain: I'shan desperately needed a friend. He knocked on the door a few times before pressing his ear against it, leaning forward in an effort to hear inside.

R’nd had spent the last several hours at the crèche, playing at being a caregiver to the army of children running free. While he still found it to be torture and slightly frightening, it was slowly becoming less of a chore and more of extra practice. He still felt he had to prove to Volfetti – and perhaps even himself – that he was serious about claiming Benden as his son and was capable of being a father. He did his best with showering them in gifts, both practical and flat out spoiling, and he was getting better at holding their son and interacting with him, but he was probably still a long way off from ever being left alone to care for Benden, even for a few hours.

Still, assisting in caring for a room full of the brats – while helpful in some way, he kept telling himself – left him completely drained and that was why he had spent the last twenty minutes back flopped on his bed, feet still booted and planted on the floor. He didn’t want to move; just sleep. Sleep would make everything infinitely better. It would likely help him stop thinking about things. Things were bad and involved emotions better left unexplored and fully ignored as they left him more confused than he started out. So he stared at the ceiling, doing his best to tune out the world and any stray thoughts that started to drift towards those taboo subjects, though it was hard not to when B’jin was always fun to spend time with and good at distracting him from the woes of the day.

It was why when the knock came at the door, R’nd almost didn’t hear it and did his best to will the person away. Ayyonth wasn’t around, having decided to go find something else to do while his rider took up space in bed. No doubt his blue went in search of his green lady and R’nd could only imagine the trouble that would be found with Larrikith and Ayyonth left alone together. It sucked when that happened – for many reasons, like Ayyonth trying to between from the ground being a great one – since he lost his door bouncer. Not that Ayyonth liked to always tell him who was visiting but it helped knowing if it was a jaded lover, an angry leader, or a friend calling for a simple visit. Did he want to risk D’ren stopping by again for something though R’nd was certain he hadn’t been in trouble recently?

Yes, he supposed he did.

With a roll and a push he was soon on his feet and meandering over to his door. There was a bit hesitation as R’nd wondered about getting a little peephole made as that would solve the issue about opening the door or not but he gave in before seriously considering finding a tool to do the job. As the door was flung wide, a greeting was ready on his lips for whoever waited but instead grey eyes widened as I’shan came into view and seemed to be coming closer.

Why, hello R'nd.

I'shan pitched forward, as expected. He grunted as his face landed softly against R'nd's chest. I'shan squeaked, embarrassed at his own clumsiness, and quickly righted himself. He immediately bit his lip and scolded himself. This was supposed to be a serious visit, and already he was making a fool out of himself! The bluerider cast his gaze downward and exhaled slowly, his usually energetic demeanor almost instantly deflating.

"Hey, R'nd," I'shan said, shuffling forward hopefully, like a child that wanted something but was too embarrassed to ask for it. "Do you mind if I come in?"

The slender bluerider dove between R'nd and the door frame without another word, not awaiting his friend's reply. R'nd would understand, right? R'nd would never deny him entry, unless...B'jin was naked in his hut.

I'shan froze, alarmed at the very prospect, though there was no evidence that this was the case. The fact that it just might happen was enough to terrify the bluerider, who was already wary of impeding on their personal life. B'jin and R'nd had been awfully private about their relationship, and they were seen much less these days. Did it mean something?

A realization came to him, and he frowned. When had B'jin and R'nd, his friends, become so intimidating to him? I'shan let out an insufferable snort and spun around on his heels, facing R'nd with a wide-eyed and intensely stubborn stare. "R'nd," I'shan aid slowly, chest swelling as he took in a long, nervous breath. Undoubtedly his rapidly shifting emotions were confusing to behold, but as he stood there looking longingly towards his friend, he did his best to reign himself in and be both serious and focused.


"I...R'nd? Have I changed?"

R’nd laughed when I’shan bumped into him and neither of them landed on the floor before his fellow bluerider asked to come in and then invited himself in anyway. That was such a typical entrance for his friend that he couldn’t help but smile and even seem relieved. They hadn’t seen much of each other in recent times and anytime R’nd had come in contact with I’shan, his odd but endearing friend seemed different. It was hard to tell at first but it was the congratulatory dinner that really made it obvious. Hearing the squeak of surprise and just knowing that I’shan had likely had his ear pressed to the door were enough to make R’nd know the troublemaker he befriended turns ago was still alive and well.

Or so he thought until he closed the door and I’shan seemed suddenly very serious. The hesitation didn’t go unnoticed and R’nd was about to tell I’shan that he could say whatever it was on his mind when he did just that and asked an unexpected question. “Shel,” R’nd spoke the nickname softly and with all the affection he always held for his friend but didn’t saying anything else just yet. He grabbed I’shan’s hand and guided him over to the couch for them both to sit on. He hadn’t been expecting that question and even with the suspicions he had since the hook-up with N’gelt, R’nd didn’t know how to approach the subject delicately.

“Truthfully?” R’nd asked as he found his floor rather interesting and hoped it held the answers. When nothing jumped out at him, he knew he was on his own and hoped his way with words didn’t fail him them. Given the way I’shan had gone right to the meat of the issue and tossed the question at him, R’nd decided sugar-coating the answer wouldn’t work and dove right in as well. “You have, Shel, and not really for the better.” Perhaps he should have sugar-coated after all. Once he gave voice to those words, R’nd wasn’t too fond of them. But how did he explain the reason behind believing I’shan had changed?

I'shan instinctively closed his hand around R'nd's as he was escorted to the couch. He seated himself carefully, folding one leg over the other and placing his hands in his lap while he awaited his fellow bluerider's words. I'shan could feel his throat tightening, fearful of the long silence filling the gap between question and answer.

It wasn't what I'shan wanted to hear, but he knew it was true.

"R'nd," I'shan said, hanging his head shamefully. "It's...I'm sorry I haven't been around too much," he mumbled. "I feel like shit. It's been thread lately," he said, pulling his knees onto the couch and wrapping his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knees and groaned, all but unwilling to keep talking. It was out now. It may as well be finished, but I'shan found himself suddenly lacking in resolve.

"I'm selfish. And stupid. And weak. And pervy.  And I suck at everything," he said sullenly. He felt his hands trembling and instinctively hid his face, ashamed to look up at his friend and reveal the tears brimming in his eyes. He'd always been able to trust R'nd. It felt so shameful to be throwing himself in front of him now, begging for help and advice when he'd been so disgustingly scarce in the past months. What right did I'shan have to ask for anything right now?

"N'gelt is never home. When he is home, he just wants sex. So  I started acting like a bastard in flights, and I think I may have hurt some people. I talked to B'jin a little bit a while back, but..I..I dunno. I thought I got it all out of my head, but I'm still fucked, R'nd..."

He finally looked up, eyes red and puffy. "Then I started thinking about you. And well...I..I guess I didn't think I had to right to come to you, after being gone for so long...I spooked myself, and kept putting it off, a-and I'm a coward..."

He rubbed his eyes and breathed deeply. He was only barely able to keep control of himself. "You and B'jin are so happy together. I didn't want to fuck it up with my whining. But I miss you. I miss both of you, and I feel like a jackass..."

R’nd more or less sat there in pure shock. Every time he wanted to speak, telling I’shan he was being an idiot for thinking he was an idiot, his friend continued rattling off all of his sins and horrible traits. They had been friends for several turns; R’nd was well aware of the stunts I’shan could get up to and knew exactly what his personality was like and how things could be shrugged off when I’shan didn’t like them. It was a part of his charm in some weird way! Even though he had been prepared to talk about N’gelt, it was breaking R’nd’s heart to hear the list that seemed to keep on going and once there seemed to be a pause, R’nd jumped on it.

He slid to the floor, resting at I’shan’s feet so he could look up at the man that had seemed intent on not meeting his gaze until a moment before. In this position, it would be harder for I’shan to look away – at least in such a dejected way R’nd didn’t like seeing on his friend – and anything he had to say to his fellow bluerider wouldn’t be seen as an attack. In a final attempt of showing he cared about the man, not about tears or anything else right then, R’nd gently placed a hand over I’shan’s and gave it a light squeeze. “Shel… you’re not any of those things. Okay, maybe pervy but we all are, same with having moments of being selfish. That’s nothing to hate yourself over. I was only going to point out that you’re not… not you. Your fun-loving mischievous nature seems to have vanished and…”

It was now or never and since I’shan had already brought up N’gelt and the way he was being treated, R’nd was going to continue the trend of the visit and just dive in and not sugar-coat. “N’gelt seems to be using you for sex and meals. You seem… eager to have N’gelt’s approval and cater to his every whim which somehow turned into you drifting from your friends and how you normally act.” He couldn’t deny that I’shan was a bit rowdier than usual in flights but since that was already known, R’nd wasn’t going to harp on that detail. I’shan liked to ignore things that might upset him but in this area, it was already obvious there had been some soul-searching and attempts at making amends.

“And,” R’nd continued, trying his best not to give I’shan a chance to interrupt him and change the topic or make him forget the points he wanted to make, “you’ll always have me. You’re one of my closest friends. Why would you ever think lost time would be a big deal? I’m to blame as well, right? I stopped seeking you out for a while because of N’gelt. But more importantly, why would spending time with you ruin anything with B’jin?” a very confused expression was given to I’shan as R’nd tried to figure that out. They both had friends they saw without the other and didn’t mind. 

Frowning a bit when he couldn’t find an answer, R’nd let his hand slide away from I’shan’s and rocked back to sit properly on the floor at his friend’s feet. “I miss you as well, Shel.” Come back, he wanted to add but didn’t know how that would be interpreted – by either of them. R’nd missed their old times together and even missed the unpredictable antics the bluerider got up to, including crawling in through windows. Then, he knew what his jumbled thoughts were trying to get together, “come back to me, to us, as you. Not whatever you’ve been moulded into to please that person. That I’shan is still a friend but…” perhaps he hadn’t quite figured out those jumbled thoughts after all. With vague hand waving, R’nd signalled he had no idea how to explain himself and gave an almost pitiful plea of understanding with a pout.

R'nd's words crashed down on I'shan like threadfall. He frowned, eyes wide and sad, as he felt R'nd's hands close over his own. The reality of the situation, the truth of the words, and the months of quiet suffering all ate away at him as he sat there, unspeakably aware of his own flaws as well as the utter selflessness of his friend. What had I'shan, the prodigal bluerider, done to earn this loyalty? This level of concern?

A lump formed in his throat. He made no effort to swallow it, instead watching through glassy eyes as R'nd made his emotional appeal. I'shan knew that all of it was true. N'gelt had changed him, molded him into someone he was not. I'shan was self-conscious of his new habits, the way he jumped when he was told to jump and how he so rarely saw the light of day anymore. It reduced him to a boring lifestyle, but even worse, it turned him into a savage beast during flights. Oh, the price of repression!

"I need to talk to him," I'shan confessed, throat tight and words weak. "He...he doesn't mean to hurt me, R'nd! I swear it. He loves me. But I'm...I'm scared to talk to him. He overreacts to things, and he doesn't like talking abut emotions and stuff. He...I'm afraid he'll ignore me, R'nd!" The bluerider's voice shook just slightly. "Or that he'll get angry..." The last part came out in the tiniest, raspy whisper. His words were loaded with a wide array of emotions, from fear and respect all the way to terror and denial.

I'shan cleared his throat. He gave R'nd's hands one final squeeze as the other bluerider made his quiet but touching appeal for I'shan to return to him. Without bothering to pause, or even think, I'shan dove into the floor and latched his thin arms around R'nd. "Shards, R'nd! You are the best friend I could ever ask for," he stammered. His palms were clammy and his throat and chest ached from tears that still refused to surface. "You're right! You're so sharding right!"

I'sahn buried his face in the man's shoulder. "I want you back. I want both of you back. You and B'jin...you're such good friends, and I...I..." What could he even say at this point? That he would die for a chance to make up for past mistakes and missed opportunities? The bluerider sniffled and let the thought drift away, swiftly drowned in the sea of wild emotions he felt in those brief moments.

"I'll come back. Y-you don't even have to ask. I'm s-sorry I let this happen. I never meant for it to...it was just so gradual and, and I was so distracted and so happy with the relationship...the n-next thing I knew I was all alone...All alone, but he's right there, R'nd!"

I'shan didn't want to think that it couldn't be fixed. He just needed to gather the strength to confront his mate and work it out. But his strength was waning.

R’nd was used to the random things I’shan did but even still he was surprised to suddenly have his fellow bluerider clinging to him. He did his best to silently hold and comfort I’shan with his hand moving in slow circular patterns on his back but the long string of defending N’gelt irritated R’nd back into speaking. The only thing that should be said to N’gelt was a farewell! “If he doesn’t like talking about emotions, how do you know he loves you?” As he spoke, R’nd was aware of the odd sensation of what seemed like Ayyonth rolling his eyes and sighing in the back of his mind. His dragon was sometimes even odder than I’shan! “He wouldn’t ignore you like he does either if he truly was interested in you. I like when you’re happy with someone, when you truly are that is, but he’s only making you continuously miserable now.”

Gently, R’nd pried I’shan back so he could look his friend in the eye again to give a final plea for I’shan to find the strength to leave N’gelt and realise he didn’t need a man dictating his life to feel complete. But instead of the adorably quirky and attractive face R’nd was so used to seeing he saw a face marred with bruises that his curtained windows had cleverly left in the shadows until now. He felt horrible for not noticing sooner, so caught up in their discussion that he saw without truly seeing. Anything he had planned to say was forgotten as anger in his friend’s defence rose in its place. I’shan had said N’gelt would get angry; did he already know from experience? “I’shan, you said he doesn’t hurt you but you’re covered in bruises!” Slowly R’nd reached for a cheek, gently brushing his fingers over a bruise there. He knew from his own run in from N’gelt’s fist, and later on S’kef’s, how sore the area could be soon after impact but he couldn’t help it; he was a touchy-feely sort of guy.

I'shan bit back his tears, chest heaving and hands trembling. He clung to his fellow bluerider like a drowning man clinging to a single piece of debris bobbing in the waves. How could be explain? How could to talk to R'nd about his feelings for N'gelt? How could he make it make sense?

"It's...R'nd!" I'shan gasped into the other man's ear. "It's...it's not all about words with him," he explained, his voice a sad blend of denial and sincerity. N'gelt's best expressions never came in verbal form. How did I'shan tell R'nd that he just knew that N'gelt loved him? It sounded stupid, even I'shan knew that. But he felt it to be true!

"It's...it's a mix of everything. Sometimes he says sweet things to me, but...it was more in his actions, the way he looked at me and the way he accommodated me. I don't know, R'nd...it's not that anything has become bad, it's just that all those things...all those things have kind of gone away..."

The next part made the fragile bluerider gasp. His hand flew up to cover R'nd's as the other man caressed the bruised cheek. "No," I'shan said lowly. "N'gelt didn't do this to me.  I...I flew A'liran yesterday. He pounced on me like a feline, R'nd. It was him, not N'gelt! I swear it! N'gelt would never hurt me!"

That much I'shan knew to be true. Whether or not R'nd would believe him was another matter. I'shan swallowed hard, prepared to defend his mate against further accusation, but even he had to admit that it looked bad. R'nd had been a victim of N'gelt's temper himself, and the brownrider's reputation had grown vicious since his promotion. I'shan wasn't even sure that N'gelt deserved it. It was easy to lay blame on someone in power, and the last brownrider Weyrsecond hadn't exactly left a flattering image for N'gelt to follow.

At the greenrider’s name, R’nd’s gaze softened and he gave a sad smile of understanding, “Calm down, I’shan. I believe you. All blueriders know how flights go with A’liran and Ayyonth did make mention that Astoreth was flying but he wasn’t compelled to chase. I’m sorry you won.” It wasn’t often he said about a win but there was a handful of wild greenriders that were often best to avoid if you didn’t like to get roughed up in the process. Par’a, of course, was the other major one he would say that about, especially to I’shan. His poor friend wasn’t having much luck with flights lately it seemed; though at the time of Grith’s last flight Ayyonth chased in, R’nd had been glad Ilveriath was just that smidgen faster.

“I’ll also believe you that he shows you he cares through actions,” how could he not? B’jin was the same way when he wanted to show his gratitude with how much a word or action meant to him. It had been slightly amusing and even shocking at first given B’jin’s status as a Harper and how he couldn’t find the right words but R’nd genuinely enjoyed the passion behind each kiss and gesture that met him. “I know it’s possible in other people so I’ll believe he’s capable as well.” For I’shan’s sake, R’nd hoped N’gelt truly was and it wasn’t in his friend’s head.

“I’ll show you some of the tricks I’ve learned for facial bruising. I’ve become a bit of an expert in the area.” R’nd tried to smile brightly as he made fun of his past run-ins with violent brownriders, showing it was okay to laugh even now with so many issues cropping up around them but if he had managed to look back and laugh at his poor state, I’shan could laugh at it as well. It didn’t last long, however, as his mind continued going over all of the facts from their conversation and how he wasn’t sure if he had helped any at all.

“Oh, I’shan… what am I going to do with you?” R’nd asked on a sigh though not at all in a serious manner before lowering his hand with I’shan’s to hold at their sides. He was used to the craziness that followed his friend and used to cleaning up any messes I’shan got himself into whether he knew about the chaos left in his wake or not but R’nd wasn’t sure what else he could do to fix this situation. He gave his advice about N’gelt and how his fellow bluerider had been acting so there really wasn’t anything else he could do and that almost bothered R’nd as he hated to see a friend distraught for any reason. The tangle with A’liran wasn’t sitting well either. R’nd really didn’t have anything against the greenrider and even tried to see flights from his perspective but that didn’t mean he was willing to wave off a bruised face, especially when the face in question was I’shan’s. Deciding actions were better than words in this case as well, R’nd wrapped his arms around I’shan to pull him close again for a silent hug. It wouldn’t fix anything but they both seemed to need it.

I'shan felt warmth on his cheeks as R'nd's hands came to his sides. I'shan placed his own on top of them for a few long moments before being pulled into the embrace, flushing even more. "I don't know," I'shan said in return, his words escaping as little more than a strained, fluttering whisper.

The bluerider knew he was weak, but he made a show out of pretending like he wasn't. He hated times like these, when his weaknesses were exposed for all to see and there was little he could do to deny them. He felt naked. He reigned in his renewed desire to cry and clutched to R'nd like a frightened child.

"R'nd? I feel like an idiot," he whispered. 'You and B'jin...you two are both so great. I feel like I threw away two great chances,"he confessed, burying his face against the man's neck so he wouldn't have to look him in the eye. I'shan didn't  truly understand where B'jin and R'nd stood. They were so adamant that they were not in a relationship, and yet they were so perfect and seemed so happy together! In spite of their insistence, wouldn't coming between them be a crime anyhow?

I'shan bit his lip and finally peeled back, eyes wide. "I...I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me," he said hastily, voice trembling. He looked to the left and the right, as is fearful that someone was coming. He could feel Ilveriath's  curious probing, but I'shan shut him out as swiftly as he could. He didn't even think about it. I'shan loved the doting blue's presence, but Ilveriath had come to understand his rider's selfishness; when he was wanted, he would always be there. When I'shan wanted to be alone, Ilveriath would just have to wait. The dragon withdrew, silently concerned, but as always, he hid it behind his warmth.

I'shan fidgeted. "You're my best friend," he murmured, brown eyes shining as they flashed towards R'nd. "I...I mean....You're always there for me. You're always good to me, even when I'm shitty to you. I just..."

His heart skipped a beat.

R'nd was always there for him. Always. B'jin was so lucky.


I'shan swallowed hard. His palms were sweating. R'nd was always, always there...even when no one else was. No one else!

He couldn't stand it. In a fit of unleashed emotion, he took a bold, sweeping step towards his friend and extended his hands. He closed his arms around the man and pulled him close, sinking immediately into a deep, unapologetic kiss.

"I want us to lose flights together, R'nd," he whispered, full of fear.

R’nd smiled softly at the odd praise given him. He appreciated I’shan acknowledging how he tried to help out his friend and especially liked that I’shan knew he didn’t always return the same level of effort. It didn’t make R’nd like I’shan any less and he just chalked it up to it being a quirk of the bluerider. The friendship and fun they had together was far more important than a word of gratitude for bailing them out of trouble. “It’s cheesy to say but that’s what best friends are for. I’m not going to abandon you for one of your stunts that generally harmless.” So long as I’shan didn’t upset or hurt someone else he cared for, R’nd couldn’t imagine himself ditching the man.

The idea to offer some form of drink hit R’nd when there was a sudden lull in conversation, which was likely due to them both thinking on what had been said, but I’shan made a move that never would have been expected under any circumstance. How long had they been friends with R’nd flirting with the older bluerider and I’shan never seriously returning any of the attention? Sure, it was done only half seriously but in R’nd’s mind, sleeping with your friend was perfectly normal and was actually a good way of showing how tight your friendship was, so at first it was a little disappointing and even confusing to not get I’shan in bed but after a while, R’nd accepted it, like he did with V’zire, and just did it for fun.

Now… now he had I’shan’s lips pressed against his and all R’nd did was stare with wide shocked eyes, his arms hanging limp at his sides, and not even able to reciprocate. Was it just a kiss of gratitude? Was it okay to kiss his friend when B’jin received so many of his kisses lately? There was also that little fear of N’gelt screaming at him for all the touching he had done and R’nd was close to bolting to the other side of the room, convinced the brownrider knew what they were doing and would storm through the door at any moment. He stayed where he was though, mind swirling with random thoughts that he couldn’t fully decipher.

The words that followed made about as much sense as the kiss right then and R’nd couldn’t fully connect the two. “But we’re not flight losers right now,” he blurted out, thinking aloud with his confusion quite evident. But when his mouth opened again, R’nd cut it off when the thought registered. Did he really enter so few chases now that he likely wouldn’t cross paths with I’shan? Would it be so bad to have his friend there beside him, helping each other out, instead of finding other forms of relief? Lately, R’nd had taken to finding B’jin on the few times he still chased and lost but he’d understand if he wasn’t greeting a stumbling bluerider as frequently and as his gaze focused once more and R’nd stared at I’shan, he knew he was still attracted to the man. It was hard to shake off those underlying feelings that had spurred on the flirting for so long and now that he had I’shan asking to lose together and kissing him in the living room, wouldn’t he be called a fool for saying no?

A small flicker of his flirtatious smile emerged as R’nd gave into his usual ways that had been stifled somewhat over the months. “Do we really need to wait for a lost flight?” He was still ridiculously conflicted, something nagging him about how B’jin would feel about what he was saying and doing, but it was I’shan. He was a close friend and one of the few that R’nd had focused on but never obtained. The latter didn’t truly bother him as much as the first though his ego had been a bit shaken and his confidence wondered if he was lacking in some area to have I’shan always shrug off his flirtations with a laugh.

He still wasn’t really sure what he was doing but the natural instinct to pursue what was right there before him seemed right in that moment. R’nd slipped his arm around I’shan’s waist and a moment later he was giving into a desire he had suppressed when it was clear I’shan wasn’t interested in him as a bed buddy and finally returned that deep kiss.

I'shan's hands shot up, gripping R'nd's hair and tugging him further into the kiss.  The older bluerider trembled lightly as he considered his actions, knowing well that it was a betrayal of his mate's trust. In that moment, however, N'gelt seemed so far away and so uncaring that I'shan found it hard to be guilty. R'nd and B'jin were right. I'shan deserved more. He deserved acknowledgment! Affection! He deserved the right to free dom and expression, all of which remained stifled while he sat obediently at N'gelt's side! I'shan was not some beaten woman or a timid greenrider, content to wrap around his mate's arm and be ruled! He was spontaneous, adventurous, and daring! And, of course, he was reckless.

This was by far the most reckless thing he'd ever done, and it gave his heart a thrill it had lacked for far too long.  I'shan plunged boldly into that kiss, arms locking even more tightly around his friend, breath escaping in frantic pants and huffs whenever he could fit them in. He pushed aggressively on his partner, far more aggressive than he usually was or ever had been towards R'nd, as if he were desperate to get and stay as close to the other man as possible.

When he finally pulled back, I'shan revealed a face streaked with tears. "No! No, we don't have to!" he said, voice shaking. Of course they didn't have to lose a flight. now was the perfect time. "I'm so sorry I never took you seriously before! I...I was afraid I'd make the same mistake I did with B'jin! But all I did was waste a perfect opportunity," he said, lowering his head in regret and shame. He'd told R'nd of the crush he'd once had on B'jin, something he never acted on for fear of upsetting the man and damaging their friendship.

He stepped close again. "R'nd...I owe you a lot more than a kiss," he purred, eyes filled with a blur of lust and fear. This was terrifying. So much could go wrong. I'shan didn't want to lost R'nd as a friend. He didn't want to lose N'gelt, either. He didn't want to lose anyone, but even in this act of boldness, he knew he was hopgin beyond hope that he could have everyone.

Even back when I’shan confessed he had a crush on B’jin, R’nd understood perfectly since he also had one on the greenrider. Then, R’nd hadn’t known much about the man but now, with how much time he spent with B’jin and the quirks and likes he was learning, he certainly couldn’t fault I’shan for fancying B’jin or even being worried he would ruin something. R’nd was the same way with a lot of people, often worrying the way he was viewed would change and he’d lose a friend or even a casual acquaintance.

“Shel, you don’t owe me anything for thinking I was anything but me being my playful self but I will gladly collect whatever you want to give or share.” Yes, he had a physical attraction to his blueriding friend pretty much since they began their friendship and yes, it was a bit frustrating every time I’shan played along with the flirting but didn’t take it seriously but no, R’nd didn’t think I’shan owed him a single thing for not noticing the truth or wasting time. R’nd wasn’t like that and so long as they both wanted it and were available, he’d wait until his friend noticed the attraction between them. It was similar to what he had done with B’jin. He never acted on his crush with the greenrider and even after the first flight win R’nd was sure that was going to be the end of it but when their paths collided again and B’jin seemed interested on his own desire, R’nd was more than happy to accept the attention and return it tenfold.

It still felt a bit wrong to be discussing and doing what they were but it also felt natural. It was something missing between them, in his opinion, and no harm would come from it; so long as N’gelt didn’t find out and R’nd had no intentions of that happening despite his belief I’shan needed to ditch him. In fact, he wasn’t worried at all about the relationship changing with I’shan given how he viewed sex as normal with friends and a good way to show he cared for them and the smile he gave the friend before him was warm and inviting, even encouraging. There was nothing to fear when with him and I’shan would be reminded of what it was like to have someone pamper him and make him feel like the centre of the world again.

R’nd held out his hand in invitation as he took slow and steady steps backwards, knowing the path to his bedroom all too well. He had convinced himself this was okay and now I’shan had to do the same and take his hand. If he left instead, R’nd would still care for his friend as he always did and not let anything leading up to that moment change a thing between them.

I'shan wiped a stray tear from his cheek and he followed, fingers laced tightly with those of his friend. It seemed like a much longer walk than it was. I'shan had often thought about this sort of encounter in passing, probably much more than his friend thought he did. It wasn't that I'shan had never wanted to sleep with R'nd. He just couldn't bear the idea of messing up, or scaring the man away. He knew that R'nd didn't do commitment. In all honesty, I'shan never had either. Maybe that was why messing up now was so easy, why he was able to talk himself into doing it so easily.

It wasn't wrong if it saved his friendship. Nothing would be too much for that. And so the bluerider followed, trembling and eager, to fulfill the fantasy that they both thought would never come.

~OMG ADULTERY~

I'shan opened his eyes. He gasped lightly, eyes widening as he looked around the room. He'd fallen into a lazy sleep after the act, though he wasn't sure how long it had lasted. It felt like a fleeting, almost delirious little sleep, or perhaps he'd just zoned out for a moment? His body still quivered from their passion, his skin damp and his chest heaving. It couldn't have been long, if it had even happened at all.

Shards, I'shan could still hardly believe that the sex had happened. He purred softly and cuddled up to R'nd, heart still fluttering. "Thank you," I'shan sighed softly. He was thanking his friend for a lot of things; for taking his mind off his troubles, for accepting his apologies, for making him feel so good about himself, for giving him such pleasure...it really was a wonderful thing. I'shan was able to hide most of his guilt away for now. N'gelt would be hurt when he found out, I'shan was sure...And I'shan didn't want to hurt N'gelt, even if N'gelt had hurt him.

N'gelt would simply have to not find out, then.

I'shan sighed contently. "Thank you," he repeated, voice light and delicate. He lifted one hand to run across his friend's skin. "You're amazing. I'm...I'm sorry I never took you seriously before. I didn't do it to hurt you. I was just afraid things would be weird." He smiled, optimistic that things would not be weird. He knew it was cheating, but that was part of the thrill. He felt alive again, and most importantly, he felt close to R'nd. He felt like his old self, taking risks and pulling stunts. And now, he had his best friend back, too.

"...Was it worth it?"

R’nd had grown used to cuddling thanks to B’jin and could even say he enjoyed it now so when I’shan snuggled in a bit closer, he automatically wrapped an arm around his friend to hold him in place, though it was a loose hold. That was something else he had learned; B’jin didn’t like feeling shackled and that he was being forced to stay beside his lover and R’nd offered the courtesy to I’shan as well. They were in a strange situation given one of them was cheating on a brownrider and the other tried to avoid sleeping with someone mated, especially when that someone already didn’t trust him around I’shan. Right then though? R’nd didn’t care. The sex was great, N’gelt didn’t deserve I’shan in any capacity, and most importantly, I’shan hadn’t gone running before, during, or after the sex which reaffirmed in the younger bluerider’s mind that they had a solid friendship.

“I am pretty amazing, aren’t I?” There was a touch of conceit behind the words but there was also a playful tone and smile accompanying the statement which rude the illusion that R’nd truly was being an arrogant bastard right then. He did think highly of himself most days but more often than not, he joked about it and lying lazily in bed with a friend was definitely a time for light comments and playfulness. “And, Shel? Things have been weird since the day I befriended you.” He laughed softly, confident that I’shan would realise he was referring to the trouble they got up to and the random quirks of the older bluerider and nothing more personal like sexual tension between them.

“Never ask me if it was worth it. I wouldn’t do something if I thought it wouldn’t go well or it wouldn’t be worth it. I also don’t want to think you’re already doubting what we shared.” Without a word, he guided his friend to roll onto his back and R’nd moved with him, coming to rest on an elbow so he could look down with a content gaze that still carried the remnants of lust, “I told you, I’ll always be here for you, Shel.” Any hesitations R’nd had before they found his bed were well and truly gone now. They had both needed the interaction, even for different reasons, and R’nd was not only glad they had done it but had quietly offered an open door to his best friend. If I’shan stayed with N’gelt and felt neglected or abused, or even if he left the bastard and was lonely, he could find his way back to R’nd and know he’d be treated with as much care and attention as he had just received.

“Any time you need me… within reason, of course.” He grinned before leaning down for another kiss, conveying through action that he meant the words spoken. R’nd just hoped I’shan didn’t get too carried away and started showing up unannounced when he was with B’jin. His greenriding lover would most certainly not take that well! He’d be horribly embarrassed and knowing I’shan, he’d want to join in, but knowing B’jin, the greenrider would make a dash for the door or hope the bed swallowed him whole. Speaking of B’jin; it was odd that there was a sense of guilt lingering on the edges of his conscious. They weren’t truly weyrmated and had never discussed being exclusive, though when R’nd allowed his thoughts to go that far, he knew he had almost become exactly that for quite some time now.

Now wasn’t the time to let his thoughts veer that way though, and grey eyes took in the slight body beneath him, appreciating the view a hand couldn’t keep from traversing. What earned his full attention right then was he had helped his friend, had sex with him that was better than he always thought it would be, and if the light dancing of his fingers over abdomen and up to nipples would earn another sweet whimper of pleasure.

I'shan was grappling with guilt as well.  As he came down to earth from his lofty haze of pleasure, he found himself worrying more and more about N'gelt. I'shan didn't want to ruin his relationship with the man, but what stood out more to him was the simple desire to never upset N'gelt. In an odd way, N'gelt's happiness was more important than the actual relationship, which I'shan had a hard time reconciling in his mind after months of pseudo-separation and loneliness. He sighed lightly.

"I'm worried about N'gelt," he confessed, pulling himself closer and burying his face lightly in R'nd's shoulders. "..But I don't regret doing this. I missed you so much, and I wasted so many good opportunities..." He trailed off, voice strained as his throat tightened. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry in guilt, in joy, in liberation, in pain, in desire, in fear, in excitement, in triumph...he wanted to cry.

I'shan had a policy, though. He's promised himself in his youth that he would never regret the actions he took in life. He'd never regretted his decision to give the dangerous brownrider a chance. His only notable regret was his obliviousness to what R'nd had offered him. Now, with that regret settled, he resolved not to regret the act that settled it. If indeed it was a mistake, it would be his own. 

R'nd was no mistake, though. I'shan clung to the man, painfully aware of the gem he'd found in his remarkable best friend. "I don't know how to thank you. No one has ever...ever cared about me like you do."

Those words hurt. N'gelt cared that much, didn't he? I'shan frowned as he felt tears welling up in his eyes.

I'shan sat up and places his hand on R'nd's chest, eyes widening with sudden urgency. Hhis heart skipped a beat. "...H-how about...right now?" he asked in a feeble whisper, body already coiled in anticipation. He was so lonely. It was unbearable. It was stifling. R'nd had brought him back to life. Ever devoted to excess, I'shan wanted more.

In seeking forgiveness for one selfish act, he had committed another.

“Why are you so insistent on thanking me for simply being a friend and caring about you?” It was mind-boggling to R’nd that that seemed like such a foreign concept to I’shan now. He really wished he hit N’gelt back that night. Okay, no, he didn’t. It would have upset I’shan and ended their friendship. I’shan was utterly in love with the drunken lout and he would have defended him over the best friend of several turns easily. Most people would. So he changed his wish and wished he had spoken up sooner about the relationship his friend had found himself stuck in. Perhaps it would have worked out like it did now, or better, since it seemed I’shan still wanted to make everything right with the brownrider instead of leaving him.

There was still that odd sensation of guilt and a bit of fear over how B’jin would react if he found out about he enjoyed with I’shan, but again, R’nd shoved it aside. It could eat at him later and he already knew he’d give in and tell B’jin himself before a rumour reached him and made it sound worse than it already was. And there he went thinking about everything too much again when he had one of his friends naked in bed and nearly begging for more. More attention, more understanding, more being cared about, more of a physical connection. R’nd was ready to give I’shan everything he needed that evening.

“Right now and up until you have to leave,” N’gelt was still an issue and R’nd didn’t want to see either of them injured because of a jealous brownrider enraged that his mate had a secret lover. R’nd almost laughed again when he realised that was exactly what he was. It wasn’t the first time, though he tried to stay away from mated couples, but this was different. I’shan was different; a friend, a mentor, special – and R’nd told him that. “You’re special to me, Shel. You’re one of the few I do crazy things for and enjoy it every step. I crave this as much as you.” A grin, and then R’nd was tumbling back as he pulled I’shan down with him to draw him into a kiss and whatever else his fellow bluerider’s eager and excessive nature needed to leave satisfied.

R’nd was a giver and I’shan would leave knowing that without a doubt.