04.Sep.12, 04:54 AM
He hadn’t changed, he hadn’t! Valerian wanted to scream that, but there wasn’t a point. He had a dragon snuggled up in his head and he raped a good friend, weren’t they both good examples of changing? He was still Valerian though. Junior Journeyman Harper. New resident of Katila. He didn’t even think of himself as one of the blueriders until two minutes ago when he made them both wake up to that fact. It was odd how he could accept so much in the past turn, or life in general, but the one thing that bothered him the most was losing his identity. He always wanted to be himself, needed it in truth. He didn’t want to be just another bluerider. “I’m still me,” he barely managed to whisper the words to the ceiling his eyes still refused to look away from. There was the crack with three veins stretching from it, and there was the one that zigged and zagged four times…
He forced himself to look at his friend and wished he hadn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried but suspected it was when he was a child and scraped his knee. But now saw Valerian with eyes watering and threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry, Talian, I truly am. It won’t undo what I did and… and,” it wouldn’t change who he now was? Wouldn’t let them have easy quiet moments together anymore? Wouldn’t give them a chance to have consensual sex? All of the above and more, Valerian knew but didn’t want to give voice to anything else.
He forced himself to look at his friend and wished he hadn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried but suspected it was when he was a child and scraped his knee. But now saw Valerian with eyes watering and threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry, Talian, I truly am. It won’t undo what I did and… and,” it wouldn’t change who he now was? Wouldn’t let them have easy quiet moments together anymore? Wouldn’t give them a chance to have consensual sex? All of the above and more, Valerian knew but didn’t want to give voice to anything else.