My Poor Baby! [I'shan]

"SHEL!"

The only thing that stopped that single word being a full on bellow, was the giggling child still curled in the greenrider's arms. Babies had sensitive ears, and B'jin had no desire to deafen the Weyrleader's little princess. He knew he'd be damned pissed if someone had gone around bellowing in Amorandii's ears when she was an infant (though that could well explain her inability to hear his orders...) and had no desire to bring D'ren's fury down upon his poor hapless back for deafening the child. B'jin would give a lot more than twenty lashes for hurting his baby. He could only expect the same from D'ren. Shiny protector or not. Man had a baby to provide for!

The greenrider had transformed from slightly hysterical to downright insane in the short trip it had taken to get from D'ren's hut to I'shan's on Larrikith's green wings. Brown eyes were wide and wild as he had slid gracefully from the dragon to land light and poised for half a moment, then he was off, the bluerider's name ripping from his lips as he marched up to the hut and knocked solidly on the door. If Ilveriath was anywhere within the current vicinity, B'jin didn't notice him.

If that ridiculous, overly exuberant spazzed out idiot had so much as twitched a string on his guitar, B'jin would kill him -- preferably before Nemall found out and hunted him down! The Harper was going to be so damned mad! B'jin wasn't even sure how he'd managed to survive the other man finding out he'd lost the guitar! The only reason had been the public setting. B'jin, being the magnificent fool he was, had asked to borrow Nemall's guitar. Naturally, that had raised questions (a lot of questions) and B'jin had had to admit to leaving it in the North. He hadn't seen his partner of so many turns look so angry in such a long time!

Probably didn't help that that was when the rumours started flying about you and R'nd, Larrikith put in cheerfully, highly amused by the way her rider was having a meltdown over an instrument. Of course, she knew B'jin loved it, and she knew Nemall made some of the best guitars North or South, but honestly! B'jin shuddered, cuddling the baby closer. Nemall was nothing, if not jealous. He's a dickwad, Larrikith replied dryly. R'nd is much better.

It had been a nice, quiet day. As many reservations as Ilveriath had about their bonded brownpair, he couldn't deny that their success made his own bonded's life peaceful and happy. I'shan spent much of his time and energy catering to his newly-empowered mate. It was exhausting to both of them and on some level, it troubled Ilveriath. He didn't want to see his beloved little bird put in a cage.

Whatever made him happy, the dragon reminded himself.

He crooned a greeting to Larrikith as she landed. Your bonded is comically anxious Ilveriath observed. What's the occasion?

Inside, I'shan was sprawled out on his couch, sound asleep. He'd been feverishly cleaning all day, hoping to have the hut spotless so he could cook an amazing dinner in time for N'gelt to come home. What a day! Of course, he'd also had trouble sleeping the previous night because of vary and sundry grievances and regrets...

Poor Sanderon. That whole ordeal had the poor bluerider flustered beyond belief. He felt like the whole thing was ultimately his fault. not only had his searching ruined the poor kid's life, but he'd almost caused a riot by proxy when his enraged little searchee threw a fit at his own public lashing. What a nightmare.

Maybe that's why he was working so hard today. He had to keep it out of his mind somehow.

By the time B'jin showed up, the hut was spotless, but the exhausted I'shan was sound sleep where he'd fallen. He'd only intended to rest his eyes, but the next thing he knew, he was dreaming...

When he heard his name called, he yipped loudly and jolted awake. He even trembled for a moment, as if fearful that he was about to be punished for something. He quickly ran and opened the door.

Then he saw that it was just B'jin. The little bluerider beamed. "Oh, hey Jinny!"he said. He and B'jin weren't the closest, but he still considered the man a friend. I'shan rose to his feet and smiled again, wearily. He had huge circles under his eyes. "What's up? You need something?"

Are you sure? Larrikith asked mildly, amused as she turned her gaze upon Ilveriath. Here I thought he was being normal... It was clear the little green was teasing the blue, as she settled herself down a polite distance from the other dragon and watched the humans with visible amusement.

B'jin had been put on pause by Larrikith's comment comparing R'nd and Nemall, and as a result, he was surprised visibly when I'shan flung open the front door and greeted him with his nickname. Wide, emotional brown eyes snapped to the spunky bluerider, the older man flinching as he jerked backwards and blinked, momentarily forgetting why he was even - "MY GUITAR!" He gasped, eyes widening yet further and staring at I'shan with sudden remembrance.

The sudden explosion was startling in it's intensity, and even Larrikith looked surprised though it was quickly followed up by soft rumbling laughter as the man she had chosen so many turns ago stalked closer to I'shan, his usual timidity around the bluerider vanishing as he used the child clutched to his chest and his guitar as shields; when he spoke again, his words were an accusation, brown eyes narrowing as he emphasised each word with clear conviction: nothing would change his mind! "You stole it!"

Larrikith's features were alive with her laughter, the little green's well rounded body quivering with the emotion as she sat trembling near Ilveriath. Oh my goodness! Her voice was only for the blue; even if she wanted to talk to B'jin, the man was completely enveloped in his desire to accuse I'shan of stealing his guitar and he was incapable of hearing anything else.

"Give it back!" Larrikith spluttered, utterly delighting in the childish demand her rider put forth, his tone almost whining as he got in I'shan's face.

B'jin's words hit I'shan like a tidal wave. The small man froze, eyes slowly widening as B'jin made his accusation. The sheer venom in his tone was enough to ensure I'shan that something sacred had been defiled, that an unforgivable sin had been committed! I'shan had no illusions of being B'jin's best-buddy-ever, but shards, what had I'shan done to deserve this!

I'shan was gutsy and flamboyant when at the top of his game, but today was definitely not it. He shrank back, eyes widening even more and gradually growing moist with unfallen tears. Ilveriath, normally a bit of a jester himself when he felt it appropriate, did not respond in the manner Larrikith may have expected. Instead of joining in her laughter, he hissed softly. It wasn't necessarily a cruel hiss or directed at either of them, but rather a general display of discomfort, a gesture of protectiveness for his suddenly-upset rider. I'shan had been feeling delicate the last few days, and this was not helping.

"I...I...I never stole anything," I'shan whispered, cringing and confused. Ilveriath quickly jumped in. Calm down, love. Please. He means the one we fetched for the Weyrleader, I'm sure of it.

I'shan's eyes sparkled in recognition and he took off. He'd never managed to get the Weyrleader's attenuation regarding the matter again, and D'ren hadn't specified who it belonged to the first time. I'shan had taken good care of it, though;  occasionally polishing and turning it, though he hadn't taken any instrument out to play in turns now. He rushed into another room and returned with it, carrying it carefully by the neck.

"Um, here. I didn't know it was yours," he whispered, flashing a comically nervous smile.  He fidgeted, then inched back from the door.

B'jin was ever oblivious to the thoughts, feelings and emotions of others (and himself). But even more so, it would never have occurred to the greenrider that he might have the power to upset the seat of a bluerider. Blueriders were arrogant and self assured and self confident and would never quail before a mere greenrider! As a result, he didn't so much as bat an eye at I'shan's reaction to him. He didn't notice the way the bluerider's eyes filled with tears or the way his whispery tone was filled with timidity.

Instead, B'jin assumed the bluerider was playing games with him, and the greenrider puffed up visibly with indignation before scowling as I'shan pelted back into the house. Where was that little snitch going now! The baby gurgled, and B'jin's expression shifted dramatically as he dropped his eyes to look down at the Weyrleaders daughter - OH MY FARANTH I STOLE HIS BABY! B'jin's breath caught in his throat as he suddenly panicked. D'ren would kill him!

Larrikith gave a shriek of laughter, her eyes deepening to depths of amusement not previously displayed as she rumbled deeply with delight at her silly human's whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. Oh, this was more golden than Nirinath's hide! Relax, B'jin! Larrikith's words were drowning in her laughter. I told Ronarth we'd bring Baby back later. Huge brown eyes were considering this when I'shan bounded back, carrying --

"My guitar!" B'jin squealed, forgetting the child and practically gushing as he extended one hand in a grabby motion, snatching the instrument from I'shan's timid grip and carefully adjusting the baby in his arms to examine his long lost instrument. "Thank you!" Literally buoyant on his delight at having it back, B'jin darted forward to press a kiss to I'shan's cheek and cuddled both instrument and child to his chest, practically glowing.

Isn't he pathetic? Larrikith asked Ilveriath, deeply amused.

I'shan knew little of the inner workings of B'jin. He didn't understand what was so wrong, or why B'jin was ignoring his response, or why B'jin had the Weyrleader's child....or why B'jin was kissing his face. I'shan produced a squeak of surprise and tilted his head, looking back at B'jin with greater clarity and less fear now. So B'jin didn't hate him anymore, right? Shards, he hoped so.

He couldn't handle anyone else hating him.

"You're welcome," I'shan said, sliding his hands into his pockets and offering a mellow smile at B'jin. I'shan was still brushing off sleepiness and looked more drained than usual, but happy to see a friendly face nonetheless. Just as B'jin was oblivious to I'shan's previous fear, I'shan was oblivious to B'jin's discomfort around blueriders. After all, blueriders were awesome. He was a bluerider, R'nd was a bluerider...what was the problem?

"Do you wanna come in and have a drink? I made some tea earlier, I can heat it up.." He said, jerking his thumb back into the hut. He looked hopeful, almost desperate. He'd been missing from the social scene lately, and he was hungry for any sort of friendly company. N'gelt didn't like male visitors, or greenriders, and was awfully demanding...

I'shan managed a smile. "...You don't have to if you don't want to, though," he assured B'jin just as quickly, as if setting himself up for disappointment.

B'jin's weight shifted backwards subtly on his heels at I'shan's invitation, caution flickering through his eyes and darkening the warm brown. There were very - very - few people B'jin could honestly say he wouldn't have some suspicion about an invitation to enter from. He knew he was hard to get, and as a result, he knew people wanted him. He was pretty sure they didn't actively want him - they just wanted whatever glory they got out of claiming him. R'nd had proved himself different when the young man had approached him at a time when everyone else was keeping their distance, and he had stood by him when everyone else was sent fleeing in the wake of his bloodied back. He didn't know what he'd done to earn such devotion from the flighty bluerider, but he was deeply thankful for it. It didn't, however, brush away his trepidation of others.

It added to it. While everyone was completely off the mark when they figured the green and bluerider were a couple, B'jin had noticed that since D'ren's announcement, he had found himself in that quiet land he had once resided in when he was in a relationship with Nemall. There were still those that went out of their way to make him uncomfortable, to come onto him, or to tell him up front their dragon would be the next to claim his feisty little green. But, for the most part, people had backed off and he could breathe again. He hadn't made any such comment to R'nd, of course. Besides the fact that he would never give any bluerider the idea that he might need them (in one way, or another) he didn't want to insult R'nd either. He genuinely enjoyed the bluerider's company! Those were just vastly beneficial benefits!

Besides. Knowing his luck, R'nd would go out and get himself into trouble, playing the Protector B'jin didn't need him to be. He had D'ren for that, and D'ren had a pretty shiny dragon to make people do as he told them. He was somewhat surprised there weren't more rumours about how he was sleeping with D'ren. Well, with Tsuen going skitzo and B'jin 'hooked up' it was probably too scandalous for even the most devious of gossips to dredge up.

D'ren might not lash them for it, but Tsuen probably would. Or N'gelt. Speaking of. B'jin finally peered around I'shan cautiously, not having even heard the younger man's add-on that he didn't have to join him. Brown eyes - narrowed suspiciously - glanced at the bluerider before Larrikith informed him quiet bluntly that N'gelt was occupied elsewhere and, yes, she would warn him if the man deigned to pop up suddenly. Nodding once, B'jin slipped through the front door. He placed the guitar beside it, but out of the way, and adjusted his grip on the child.

"That would be nice, thank you. Do you have something Tsereni can chew on? She's teething." B'jin smiled gently at I'shan, gaze dropping to the child as he rocked her and made his way over to the couch. Content that Larrikith was being honest and assured that N'gelt wasn't present, B'jin sprawled on the furniture, and gave a great sigh. "How've you been?" He tilted his head back over the arm, to peer toward the kitchen where he assumed I'shan had darted off to.

I'shan was already in the kitchen by the time B'jin made himself comfortable. The question hadn't gone unheard, and I'shan returned quickly with a large wooden spoon clutched in one hand. He smiled at B'jin, an innocent but almost weary sort of smile completely unfitting of his usual spunk, as he handed the spoon to the little girl. He waited for her to awkwardly grip it before letting go of his end.

The bluerider collapsed on the couch next to B'jin. In stark contrast to his normal manner, he didn't take the adjacent seat. I'shan loved physical contact, even if it was as simple as the brush of one leg against another, but today he didn't pursue it. He didn't awkwardly avoid it, either. He simply left one free in between them. His body language didn't change, or at least it didn't become any more unusual than it already was. His energy just wasn't there.

"Horrible," he said truthfully. He laughed a little bit. I'shan wasn't the same as Talian. He didn't laugh to cover up pain. He usually just stared at it wide-eyed and allowed it to have its way with him before trudging on. Then, he dusted himself off and carried on. There was a lot going on right now, though. Multiple attackers, as it were. The bluerider frowned, and decided to get right to the point.

...if he hadn't forgotten the tea, that was. "Whoops," he chirped, shoot to his feet and bustling off nervously. Some part of him knew he was stalling, but he sure wasn't going to admit to it. As he readied the tea, he found himself wondering just where things had gone wrong. Sure, B'jin had always been a little wary of him...and who could blame a greenrider? But the outright mistrust was hard to sit through. I'shan sighed to himself, a tingle of guilt welling up in his chest, as he considered reasons B'jin must have had to mistrust him.

He'd been noticing it for a while now. It started after the hatching feast. That had been a good night, too, at least until N'gelt showed up. I'shan liked B'jin. They'd had a wonderful flight together. I'shan treated B'jin like the beautiful thing he deserved to be treated like, and he got to revel in his victory a little while longer. It had been good! They made good friends, too. Sure, there may have been a spark of interest on I'shan's side at first, but that was back before he believed in settling. It was pretty obvious they had too much in common anyhow, so both were more than content to settle for 'friends, with fond memories of one great night'.

It's amazing what a couple idiot choices could screw up.

I'shan came back into the living room, carrying a single cup of tea. He offered it to B'jin and then flopped back in his previous spot.

"B'jin? I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. You don't deserve it."

Wait, did that really just come out? Yep, there it was... floating in space, irretrievable. I'shan pouted.

"Thanks," B'jin said lightly, watching as the baby girl gripped the spoon, quickly setting it in her mouth. The child gnawed on it contentedly with giggles and coos as she watched the two men with the quick, bird like gaze of a child, easily distracted by the latest shining flicker. A small frown pulled the greenrider's eyebrows together at I'shan's single word, the question forming in his mind, and travelling to his lips - only to be shot down as he watched the bluerider suddenly fling himself out of the chair and back into the kitchen. B'jin blinked.

"Thanks," he murmured, taking the cup in his free hand and taking a sip. As always, it was typical of I'shan's skills and was amazing. B'jin wasn't quite sure how someone could make something as simple as a mug of tea taste better than it generically did. But I'shan seemed to manage to make pretty much everything taste better than it was meant to. Unfortunately, I'shan opted to speak when B'jin had a mouthful of the liquid, and the greenrider fought valiantly not to spit it across the couch onto his friend. Or choke. It took a moment, but B'jin managed to get it down, sitting up straight and setting the rest of it and the mug it was in delicately on the floor beside the couch.

"What?!" Shocked, B'jin's voice was bewildered as he leaned forward, and stared at I'shan with wide eyes. "Why would you-? Shel! You're not an arsehole!" Empathic, B'jin stared at I'shan in shock. Why the bluerider would think something like that he couldn't decide, shaking his head in bemused confusion as he shifted on the seat, adjusting the child and frowning in confusion. After a moment, he looked up again.

"Why would you think that?" B'jin asked again, this time his voice was milder, more curious though it was notably bewildered as he tilted his head, using a hand to sweep the growing length of dark blonde hair out of his eyes. Why someone like I'shan would believe he was a horrible person, B'jin couldn't imagine. I'shan was nice, and he was a good person! So why would he- Probably has something to do with the way you cringe when he so much as looks at you, Larrikith inserted dryly, and B'jin blinked, trying to analyse that while he stared at I'shan.

I'shan had a hard time even sitting still, much less looking at B'jin. The normally spirited bluerider wilted at B'jin's response, sorely tempted to draw up into the smallest ball of self-consciousness that he could fold himself in to. B'jin was complimenting him now? Complimenting him and trying to sound encouraging? Shards, I'shan had never known B'jin to be particularly sarcastic, and that look of alarm was pretty sincere looking as well.

The bluerider shrunk into his couch and pouted a bit, confusion and frustration weighing his young face down. He's coddling me he said dejectedly. B'jin must have been acting surprised and unbelieving to make I'shan feel better. It was the only explanation. I don't believe that's the case Ilveriath said, watching the conversation with the utmost interest. B'jin was one of I'shan's friends. Maybe he could help.

B'jin often chooses to remain blind to that which he does not like. In this way, he is not unlike you Ilveriath continued. It was true, though I'shan's brand was less repression and more willful ignorance. I'shan chose to ignore certain details and feelings in order to avoid thinking about them too hard. He did it all the time, and was able to convince himself of excellent things because of it.

He and B'jin really were alike.

I'shan sighed, shoulders slumping. "I dunno how you've missed it. I've been a total ass lately...Acting like a monster in flights and getting drunk and making people uncomfortable with my cat calls and getting grabby with people..." he mumbled miserably, face heating up in humiliation. "I guess I never really thought about it, but I got in a fight with J'ver a while back and he told me I was a nasty bluerider who uses people and all that crap, and it's bothered me ever since," he murmured.

I'shan was anything but shy, even when it came to personal problems. He shared his history and feelings freely when asked, and occasionally when not asked...he was usually content to stumble through problems and go on with life, but on days like today when everything rose to the surface and clawed at the inside of his skull, he didn't know what to do other than let it all out.

He buried his face in his hands. "He's right," he whimpered. "I tried to catch Erisi. I tried to catch J'ver. They don't even like me, and I don't like them either. But I tried anyhow. I don't mean Ilv tried, either...I did. It was me. I'm a jerk!" he said, voice shaking in a sudden rush of emotion. He rubbed his eyes and pulled his legs onto the couch, arms wrapping neatly around his knees.

"And I got all drunk and belligerent with you at new turn's...and I...B'jin, you're scared of me! I've never had anyone scared of me before. It's awful, and I'm so sorry, and I don't know what happened. Everyone says I've changed, though." He bit his lip and swallowed, trying to remove the lump in his throat.

"Have I changed, B'jin?C-can you forgive me for it? We're still friends, right?"

B'jin was still chewing on Larrikith's dry little statement, brown eyes clouded with confusion and anxiety as he tried to figure out what was going on. Larrikith wasn't the world's biggest liar, and B'jin tended to believe her when the little green said something - especially when it was presented in the manner she had just used. Dry, bored, taunting him. The greenrider's frown slowly changed into a puzzled scowl as he leaned back into the couch, bouncing the baby unconsciously.

"But..." B'jin looked confused as I'shan mumbled, the greenrider unable to connect the dots as he stared at I'shan with drawn together eyebrows and a confused tilt to his head. "You're a bluerider." The greenrider was utterly lost on I'shan's apparent distress about acting like a bluerider. Hadn't he always acted like that? Wasn't that why he was a bluerider?

"I am not!" B'jin spluttered indignantly, staring at I'shan with shock. He was most certainly not afraid of the bluerider! It was simply ludicrous! Who, in their right mind, would be afraid of I'shan? The bluerider was a lot of things, B'jin thought with a frown, but he was hardly the thing of nightmares.

Scowling again, B'jin huffed, insulted that I'shan thought he was afraid of him, even as he felt the truth of the fact wriggling its way to the surface. The flinching, the twitching, the slipping away before the blueridre could get too close. The way he now used R'nd as a body shield from I'shan, when once he would have... used I'shan. B'jin deflated, gaze softening with sad worry as he shifted it to look at the distressed, so close to tears, face of his friend.

B'jin studied I'shan silently as he contemplated the questions, unwilling to simply bound in with the answers before he'd thought about it. But what was there to think about, really? He was still his friend, was he not? B'jin was willing to sit on the man's couch, so obviously he didn't think I'shan was about to jump him, didn't he? B'jin stiffened a little at that thought, which lead swiftly back to the 'I've changed' and B'jin frowned at I'shan, unable to relax.

"Yes." He answered, over all. Tearing his wary, confused gaze from the bluerider, B'jin leaned over to pick up the cup of tea. Really! He'd only wanted his guitar back! Why were they suddenly having a heart to well, B'jin refused to imagine he intended to spill anything. But I'shan was certainly bouncing his insecurities off him. When had he become the bluerider go-to for issues? Well. It was better than being the bluerider go-to for a quick fuck.

B'jin sighed. When had his life gotten so bloody complicated?

What could I'shan say, to any of that? B'jin's surprised, inherently casual comment of 'you're a bluerider' was perhaps the most shocking, earning a wide-eyed expression followed by another huge frown. Was B'jin that conditioned to mistreatment that he didn't think anything of it? He not only assumed that blueriders did such things out of natural inclination, but that it was so normal that he didn't even pass judgement on individuals for it?

B'jin didn't think I'shan was any better than that.

Not that  I am he thought miserably, so distracted by the fact that he seemed to be upsetting B'jin with his spiel that he almost missed the all-encompassing 'yes'. I'shan sniffled and turned to smile at his greenrider friend, reaction delayed buyt wholly sincere. 

"I'm sorry for dumping this crap on you. I know you aren't really into that kind of stuff," he mumbled, drawing up even tighter in his seat, as if doing so would help him hide from his problems. He couldn't recall ever allowing B'jin to see him like this. Like B'jin, I'shan was all smiles most of the time. Unlike B'jin, I'shan usually just discarded and forgot about his problems rather than bottling them up. I'shan was quite resilient when it came to dealing with things as they came. He had no idea how to fight monsters that came back to bite him again.

"It's just...you are a good friend, and I feel bad for being a jerk to you," I'shan slowly confessed. He forced a smile. "I...don't want to be that guy, you know? I hate it when I win a flight and my partner is scared of me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think it's cool for people to label greenriders as sluts, and I don't wanna be labeled as a rapist either. I guess it doesn't help when I act like one, though."

He looked away. "I don't know why, B'jin. I don't know what's wrong with me..."

B'jin shrugged good naturedly at the apology, a half smile forming tiredly on his lips. "I don't mind," and he didn't; it was simply something that he was unused to, though recent events over the past turn or more were starting to jump out and scream 'get used to it!'. Well, he supposed there were worse things to get used to! Helping his friends was hardly a bore or something he disliked doing. The greenrider was simply confused that most of them seemed to want to dump all their issues at his feet. Being so reserved himself, B'jin rarely spat out what it was that was upsetting or causing him trouble. It was odd to be surrounded by so many people that didn't.

"But you haven't been?" That was distinctly a question, the greenrider unsure where I'shan was pulling these ideas from though he couldn't deny the poor bloke was obviously distressed by whatever wherry shit he'd convinced himself of. I'shan had never been an arsehole. A little abrupt, certainly. But not a bastard.

B'jin's train of thought was brought to a screeching, crashing halt at the word 'rapist', the greenrider flinching visibly at the simple statement. Wide brown eyes stared at I'shan in shock, wondering how the bluerider could toss that word around with such ease, holding the baby a little more firmly as he shrank back into his seat subconsciously, frowning. "Most greenriders are sluts," B'jin stated firmly, using the simple way he said that to encompass the additional fact, that he was pretty sure most blueriders were rapists, and all brownriders definitely were. His lips pressed into a flat line of disapproval.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Shel." He hadn't even realised he'd brought out the nickname, leaning forward slightly as he spoke firmly. There wasn't anything wrong with the bluerider!

B'jin's reassurances had already lifted the bluerider's spirits, though part of him assumed that B'jin was employing a selective memory to come to those conclusions. "Thanks, B'jin. That means a lot," I'shan said simply, smiling modestly at the greenrider. That weak little smile carried a great deal more sincerity than many of his bold, wide-faced grins. It didn't take a lot of strength to hide behind a big, fake smile, but it took an awful lot to be honest about risky emotions with someone that would didn't want to lose.

I'shan flinched along with B'jin. He wasn't sure what he'd said to alarm the greenrider, but it became obvious enough with his little comment. "Ah..." I'shan said, looking down at his lap. Poor B'jin. I'shan wondered how many flight partners had mistreated the handsome greenrider over the turns. I'shan found himself ashamed for his fellow blues, though he knew that during flights he was among the worst of them. During flights was one thing, but after was another matter.

And yet, he'd made the threats. He'd pushed, begged, and pawed...he'd never held a greenrider down, but he'd done everything in his power to hold them down without touching them. It had never seemed wrong at the time, but now it made him grimace. I'shan lived in the moment, rarely lingering on bad memories. These were unpleasant ones indeed, but B'jin's kind words drew him out of his slump.

I'shan beamed at B'jin, this particular wide smile shining with all the sincerity of the meek one from before. "Thank you, B'jin. I guess I'm just thinking about crap too much lately,' he confessed, even though he knew his problems weren't the total illusions B'jin seemed to be labeling them as. The bluerider's eyes softened in sympathy and just a hint of fear. "Just...please promise me you won't be scared of me. I would never do anything to hurt you..." he said, inching closer and lowering his head in comical deference, though he certainly was begging. It was comical and lighthearted, but just as serious as if he were on his knees and groveling.

B'jin didn't like thinking about flights, not even now when R'nd was winning them almost constantly. It wasn't that he objected to the bluerider winning him and his dragon - he actually quite enjoyed it - but the way R'nd changed when he got caught up in dragon-lust still lingered too close to the surface of B'jin's memories. Occasionally it was something to fodder the nightmares that would rear their ugly heads and plunge him into the abyss that was the more horrible moments in his life. R'nd's beautiful face, twisted in all the terrible monstrosity of Flight Lust, mingling with the harsh hands of S'kef, and the forceful nature of Nemall, turning perhaps the brightest part of the greenrider's life into a dark and threatening presence. B'jin avoided R'nd on those days, unable to shake the creeping, taunting ghosts of his nightmares.

Flights prior to R'nd were the worse, though. The ones he knew would never be won by people he could have stood waking up beside again, but at least he knew they wouldn't be won by those that stood stalked around him like half starved dragons spotting the last wherry. Never knowing who he'd wake up beside wasn't the worse; he could cope with that. The worse part was that he so rarely managed to slip his pants on and out the door before they woke up. Almost twenty turns of training had the greenrider incapable of saying a simple no; almost thirty turns of abuse under the hands of blue and brownriders had him too scared to try. Telgar or Katila, it hadn't taken long for the bastards to spread the word: order him to stay, and he'd be incapable of disregarding it. R'nd would probably never really grasp how relieved B'jin was, every time he came to from the dragon induced high to see his lover's face, pretty grey eyes and soft smile. It didn't really occur to B'jin to recall that R'nd had requested he stay, like every other rider was want to do, just like it didn't occur to him to remember that Larrikith had encouraged it when the lack of actual demand had left B'jin swaying with indecision.

What is, would always over rule what was, or what could have been.

"Hurt me?" B'jin asked blankly, nose diving out of his thoughts and back into reality as I'shan shifted closer to him meekly, the greenrider frowning comically and leaning back slightly with an expression on his face that clearly indicated he thought I'shan's actions were dedicated to insanity. "You've never hurt me?" B'jin's questioning words gave leave to the fact that he'd been completely wrapped up within his own thoughts - or, wrapped up in not thinking about Flights - to such a degree that he had no idea what I'shan was talking about. "You can't hurt me," B'jin said, very matter-of-fact, looking slightly worried as he tried to figure out where I'shan was coming from and where he was going with the half sentence he'd managed to hear. "I'm holding a baby!" As if to prove that fact, he adjusted his hold on the child chewing happily on the wooden spoon to make her occupation of his lap that much more blatant. His arm was starting to ache and he had been considering putting her on the floor to roll around, but if I'shan was going to be weird he'd be keeping his infant body guard!

B'jin freed one hand to push almost delicately at I'shan's shoulder, poking him with two fingers and raised eyebrows, his expression somewhere between laughter and worry.

Great Faranth, he's an idiot. Larrikith's dry comment was for Ilveriath, her exasperation and amusement clear as she swam around in B'jin's surface thoughts.

You can't hurt me. I'm holding a baby!

That, coupled with the delicate but vaguely affectionate little poke, brought a huge smile to I'shan's face. "So it seems," the bluerider purred, straightening in his seat and folding his arms neatly across one another. He felt a little bit better, though he knew B'jin enough to know that the man tended to block out things he didn't care to think about. How could I'shan knew that B'jin was serious, and not just sidestepping the issue?

Well, if B'jin really was afraid of him, he'd not have touched him...no matter how small the touch was. That little poke meant a lot to I'shan, who unconsciously slid closer so his thigh was pressed against his greenrider friend. "She's cute. Looks like her dad, too," he said, eyeing the little girl and letting his thoughts drift to his own children. He hadn't visited Ce'lie in some time now. He frowned slightly. "That should shut all the doubted up...saying S'kef was the father and all that crap. I can't even imagine him having sex with a woman, much less having kids..."

I'shan would have been a splendid greenrider, at least by stereotypical definitions. He sure gossiped like one. His smirk widened. "You greenriders have all the fun," he decided mildly, a slow hint of his old mischieviousness creeping into his voice. He swallowed hard, cutting his eyes to B'jin and looking the man over in a sly manner. B'jin had always been terribly attractive to I'shan, and their flight together had been marvelous. It was a sharding shame they were so alike!

In that moment of acceptance, echoing distinctly of their past closeness, I'shan found himself sorely tempted. But how could he? How could he cave to those feelings and alienate his friend, further proving that he was undeserving of the man's friendship?

I'shan valued B'jin too much, but  shards, he was so lonely.

The bluerider frowned and bowed his head slightly. "...I am so frustrated," he confessed at last. "N'gelt is never home anymore, and when he is, it's just sex...and he just...I dunno, throws me away when he's done. At least that's how it feels. I guess that's just been on my mind a lot, and coming out of me in weird ways." Once again, he'd spoken before he could really think about it or get a solid grip on his tongue. He sighed, figuring the damage was done, and continued.

"I guess I've never been the settling kind. I never really thought of it before. B'jin, earlier when I said I'd acted badly in flights, you said 'but you're a bluerider', like that was the reason or whatever...do you really think that's it?" His eyes widened in sudden interest. "Do you really think it's just because I'm a bluerider, that we're all that way?" Or is it because I'm a terrible mate?

Ilveriath sighed. He believes it nevertheless. I'shan believes that which he wishes to believe he pointed out. He is very fond of your bonded, Larrikith. But he is fearful to say anything, because he does not wish to frighten him away. The dragon paused thoughtfully. He does not respect many people that much.

B'jin smiled warmly as I'shan's face lit up, before turning his attention to the child when I'shan did so, grinning now as he poked the little girl in the tummy and making her giggle. "She's adorable," B'jin gushed cheerfully, cuddling the child before relaxing his snuggle to let her peer around once more with more freedom. He half coughed, half snorted at I'shan's comment about S'kef though he made a visible effort not to find it funny, eyes widening slightly as though S'kef might pop out of the wood work and tear them to pieces for it - not that that wasn't entirely possible; this was S'kef. Still, B'jin failed and giggled naughtily even as he opened his mouth to point out that S'kef had an army of little girls pre-Plague.

I'shan beat him, however, speaking up before the greenrider could properly form the words he was going to say. Probably a good thing, in the long run. B'jin wasn't one for gossiping, and gossiping about S'kef was practically an invitation for trouble. The thought was thrown away at any rate, by I'shan's simple comment and B'jin tilted his head slightly, blinking. "We do?" He asked, genuine with a slightly quirky smile of confusion tilting one corner of his lips. He had no idea where that had come from, and was completely oblivious to I'shan's sudden air of sexual interest. B'jin's gaydar had never been particularly useful, the greenrider always taken by shocked surprise when he realised another man was actually interested in him, despite the amount of time he had spent within a Weyr community; in contrast, however, he could generally tell almost instantly if a woman was eyeing him off.

He almost caught on, when I'shan started talking about a lack of N'gelt and all the things the brownrider was meant to bring home with him of an evening - and didn't. Well, that was much easier to answer. B'jin gave I'shan a slightly disgusted look, though it wasn't aimed at the bluerider which B'jin made quite clear as his nose scrunched up. "He's a brownrider." B'jin said forcefully, leaning closer to I'shan and frowning at him seriously. "You could be perfection incarnate and nothing you do would ever be good enough." Breathing out huffily through flared nostrils, B'jin leaned back to sit up properly, scowling.

"R'nd isn't the settling type, either," B'jin pointed out irritably, "And he doesn't make me feel like shit." The greenrider didn't believe R'nd nor himself had 'settled' and still found the Weyr gossip that they were mates highly amusing (when he wasn't dying of embarrassment). His point was made because he was still under the impression that R'nd slept with other people, not just himself - but the bluerider still took the time and effort to make him feel wanted and appreciated. That a part-time lover (Larrikith nearly face planted in exasperation) could show so much dedication, but a Weyrmate couldn't?! B'jin huffed again.

"You need a new mate. Get a green, at least they have more decency."

Larrikith rolled her eyes as dramatically as she mentally could, looking sideways at Ilveriath. Why is everyone is so worried about spooking B'jin?! she huffed in exasperation, He's a big boy! She knew it was a show of respect, and because they loved him dearly, but she was so frustrated by the way B'jin's blueriders all skittered around the outskirts of their issues or wants or desires with the greenrider. Did none of them have an ounce of courage?!

My rider is not made of glass, you know! It was meant to be indignant and insulted. It came out an exasperated huff. Honestly!

The greenrider comment had been admittedly random. I'shan bit his lip thoughtfully and rolled the words around in his mouth for a moment before replying. "I don't know. You're much better company," he said. "And you seem to have much more fun. Shards...Back when I was a candidate at Fort, people were taking bets on my maiden flight before the eggs had even hardened. Everyone was completely convinced that I'd make a green. Maybe they just made such a big fuss about it that I've always felt like that's how it's supposed to be! I mean, I was convinced I was a greenrider before I was even a dragonrider..." He rattled on in an enthusiastic and animated way, accenting his playful words with sweeping hand gestures. He laughed brightly at the end. "And N'gelt treats me like a greenrider, too."

That was a loaded statement. It showed that I'shan was well aware of the treatment most greenriders received, and while it wasn't dismissive or approving, it was just as casual as B'jin's earlier statement on blueriders. Like B'jin, I'shan was well aware of the layers society had constructed for them. It also said something about his relationship that he readily compared himself to a greenrider.

"I don't want a new mate, though..." I'shan said with a frown. "I...well, there are a lot of reasons. I don't want to break his heart, and he makes me feel so safe and important...at least when he's around." I'shan had gone from whining to clinging. He wasn't quite sure why himself, but he felt a tightness in his chest as he realized what he was doing.

"I...yeah. I like greenriders...I always want to hug them and make them feel safe, you know? But they're still all afraid of me. Or ugly to me, because they expect me to be ugly to them." A'liran came to mind. What a nutjob. "So  I kind of gave up on them. Most of them have too much in common with me, anyhow." During this last line, he unconsciously rested his chin on B'jin's shoulder. He sighed.

"Why would any greenrider want me? If they want someone like me, they'd just get another greenrider...and if they wanted a bluerider, they'd find someone more..." Masculine? Strong? Horrible?

Ilveriath turned slightly towards Larrikith, unworried by her outburst. I'shan does not think him fragile. I'shan thinks he is remarkably strong the dragon said slowly. However, there is precedent for B'jin to recoil from him and regard him as dangerous. It makes sense for him to take appropriate precautions.

B'jin watched with a combination of outright amusement at I'shan's enthusiastic display as he spoke, and irritable distaste for what subject he was immersed in. B'jin deeply disproved of the betting that was often undergone when a new Weyrling class was founded; the young greenriders had enough to worry about without people getting on their case and laying bets on who would fly whom. It was insulting, and cruel; especially when the personality of the new Weyrling was a major factor of their betting. Like the young man whom no one wanted to fly, but everyone had a great time betting everyone else would be the unlucky winner. B'jin didn't exactly disagree with the lack of sex appeal the green Weyrling exhibited - but that didn't mean they had to be cruel about it.

Than again, what did he expect? B'jin had learned the harsh reality about dragonrider mindsets during his first visit to a Weyr - Telgar - in the days before his unintentional and unexpected Impression. It had all gone downhill from there for the young man that had been used to a certain level of respect and prestige. He was pretty sure most greenriders had no idea what the word even meant, let alone that they should be as entitled to it as any other rider of any other colour. Not, of course, that that would ever happen. Greens were the lowliest of the low, and if the other riders wanted to stake claims and place bets on their first flight - than they would, and there was nothing any of them could do about it. Bitching to rankers didn't do anything - another thing B'jin had learned early.

Speaking of bitching; the greenrider arched an eyebrow at I'shan as he whined about not wanting another mate. "Then don't bitch about the one you've got," B'jin said with a shrug, his comment not intended to be mean but rather a simple statement. He knew what it was like, to be wrapped up in someone that made you feel wanted, and special, and safe - despite the fact that they treated you like shit, even when you came to recognise that fact. "Nemall was like that," B'jin said mildly, and without any of his usual rich addition of emotion. His voice was uncharacteristically void, brown eyes staring without seeing into the past for a moment before cutting back to I'shan with determination. "You deserve better." That was much more B'jin, with the words filled with emphasis and eyes widening slightly even as his lips pursed into a flat line.

B'jin eyed I'shan sideways in both amusement and surprise when the bluerider rested his chin on B'jin's shoulder before continuing his dramatic whine about how no green was right for him. B'jin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Greenriders hook up all the time," he pointed out reasonably, arching the eyebrow closest to where I'shan's head rested. "You just need to know which ones to aim for." The Harper smiled, tossing I'shan a cheerful wink; he'd be more than happy to point out which of the greenriders would be suitable! He knew for sure several of them would like a mate that was 'green', and prevent them from ending up with various other riders at the end of a flight. A well mated dragon had it's benefits! B'jin was insanely pleased with Larrikith's choice to keep Ayyonth to herself by only flying the young blue.

He refused to linger on the thought of those poor riders that had their dragons hook up with someone they did not enjoy waking up beside on a regular basis. At least Larrikith didn't hate him that much!

B'jin assumes everyone is dangerous, Larrikith replied frankly. He still flinches from R'nd at times. Times that were - thankfully - becoming fewer and further between, but times none the less. She was proud of her rider's growth in his relationship with the young bluerider, and was very pleased with the dragon Ayyonth was. She would have hated to not like Ayyonth, when his rider was so good for hers; or to have R'nd be awful to B'jin, when Ayyonth was everything she wanted.

I'shan's eyed narrowed and he huffed lightly at B'jin's first comment, his warm breath flowing over B'jin's neck. The bluerider refused to lift his head even in a gesture of annoyance. "You know, B'jin," he whispered in response, sounding more hurt than actually angry, "Some people aren't black holes of self-loathing and actually feel better when they talk about their problems, even if it isn't solving anything," he said. He allowed himself a little bit of a pout before sliding in and pressing a playful kiss on B'jin's cheek. "Would it kill you to let me be dramatic?" His tone was playful, but the slight nervous intonation at the end revealed his insecurity.

The bluerider sat back now, one leg crossed over the other and one arm looping casually around B'jin's shoulders and pulling him close in a decidedly bluerider-like way. There was nothing sexual or intimate about it, but the casualness was a sure sign of a blue. I'shan was a bluerider and got to hug over 50% of the population whenever he wanted! "Thanks, though. I...I guess I need to talk to him or something," I'shan said. He knew B'jin had been through a long, hairy relationship. The haunted look on B'jin's face (or at least what I'shan thought of as 'haunted' - no man should speak with such a lack of emotion!) was enough to make I'shan want to change the topic. Poor B'jin! He'd been dealt so many bad hands.

I'shan squeezed him unconsciously. "Thanks, though," he said softly, the playfulness disappearing from his voice for just a moment. He reluctantly released B'jin. "And as much as I want to take you up on your offer, I...well, I'm with someone. I can't -" The wink threw him off. The little bluerider suddenly blushed and had to turn his head away, for fear of making B'jin uncomfortable. He was unable to hide a girlish giggle.

"Stop it!" he demanded teasingly. "You're getting my hopes up, with these promises of greenriders," he said dramatically, spinning around suddenly, cheeks still tinged slightly red. Had he really become so prudish that the thought of hooking up with a random green made him blush this much? Or was B'jin himself the big temptation?

I'shan respected him too much to find out, but it didn't stop him from making a wistful sigh towards Ilveriath.

Ilveriath tried his best to comfort his confused rider. I'shan's wandering eyes had become a more and more noticeable occurrence lately, and Ilveriath wasn't sure what to make of it, especially when I'shan asked him for advice.  Human lives would be much simpler if they took multiple mates. The blue remained silent to I'shan, comforting him wordlessly while he answered Larrikith. I'shan does not know that he pointed out. But perhaps he is learning

The little hairs down B'jin's neck and back stood up in a wave of tingling at I'shan's warm breath and the greenrider quivered slightly, and he flushed unconsciously as I'shan pressed a kiss to his cheek, looking flustered as all the words the bluerider had spoken were sent bowling out of his head. "No?" B'jin asked, completely lost and unknowing what the correct answer was to the question that had been lost to him. Did I'shan just kiss him? Was he allowed to do that? The greenrider's anxious fingers twisted gently in the wrap around the child, reminding himself of her presence. He wasn't scared, but he was confused.

When I'shan gave him back his space, B'jin breathed out a breathy little sigh, and the widening of his eyes relaxed somewhat, the greenrider soaking up the moment of personal space he was treated to, before exploding into wide eyed dismay once more as I'shan tugged him to his side. While the greenrider had managed to put aside his fear of I'shan doing anything untoward to him (while he had the baby in arms) B'jin was exceptionally fond of his own personal space, and his allowance for it to be broken into was limited. It was a lesson even R'nd had had to learn with delicate steps, often over stepping and having to figure out on his own where he'd gone wrong. It was hard for B'jin to talk about most things; it was nigh on impossible for him to speak about that.

"Perhaps," B'jin murmured helpfully, unsure exactly how well talking to N'gelt would go. Than he was released again and B'jin rolled his shoulders unconsciously, settling both his shirt and himself back into 'his' space though he tilted his head curiously at I'shan, eyes widening dramatically once more at his words. "I, wait - What?" B'jin's voice was a startled squeak, looking very much like he'd been backed into a corner, his gaze darted around, seeking an escape. He'd done it now! He'd made I'shan believe he was offering himself, and he'd done no such thing! B'jin stared at I'shan with huge, shocked eyes. While he didn't give the exact impression of fear, there was certainly a lot of kicking happening.

"I'm sorry," it was a meek, desperate grab for freedom. I'shan hadn't said anything that would take him up on his apparent offers; he was just pointing them out. That meant he didn't want them, right? Right? -- Wait!

B'jin was suddenly indignant.

"'What are you sorry for?"

Shards, the sexual tension in the room was unbelievable. I'shan looked at B'jin's lightly blushing face, so handsome and coy! Of course, even I'shan couldn't deny the signs. I'shan was a master of finding what he wanted to hear among that which he actually heard, but he wasn't willing to take advantage of it this time. That fluttering invitation seemed more like fodder for a couple teasing jokes than any sort of serious offer. I'shan might have been inclined to test the waters, but he had his relationship with N'gelt to consider, not to mention the very real possibility of scaring B'jin off for good.

The bluerider just smiled. "B'jin," he said, leaning in and kissing the man a second time. "You're hot as shards, but I haven't forgotten the agreement we made in 230," he offered gently. They'd had an amazing flight together, but I'shan had promised to be his friend, not another bluerider chasing his tail. "I don't wanna be that kind of bluerider, okay?"

But the look in his eyes said yes, yes he did. It took a great amount of self-control to keep him off of the greenrider. Shards, he was surprised he hadn't formed lump in his pants! But he was too terrified of losing B'jin to do anything more than smile, his hungry expression softening into a friendlier and much more innocent one.

"You're a good friend, B'jin. Thanks for listening to me. And I took good care of your guitar, I promise!" he said, winking playfully as he stood up. "Look, I've....I've gotta finish getting dinner ready for 'Gelt. You don't have to go or anything, but I do need to get back to work. I'm glad you came over."

He really was. He needed to see his friends more often.

B'jin flushed crimson, shifting his hold on the baby as she wriggled in his arms, and I'shan kissed him again, brown eyes wide and confused. He didn't really mind the affectionate gesture, which only fed fuel to the fire of confusion as he ducked his head, refusing to look up even when I'shan spoke his name. He listened though, fidgeting uncomfortably when the bluerider complimented his good looks. B'jin was an odd one when it came to his appearance; he knew he was good looking and always had been. But he was incredibly self-conscious about receiving compliments from other men (women had a tendency to inflate his ego rather nicely) though the greenrider was mostly unaware of any such reactions he gave. He knew he was good looking, but he also knew it was dangerous to be attractive. S'kef had targeted him because of it, Nemall had holed him up because of it, and the greenrider believed it was why so many blueriders invested in chasing him.

Whether that would change if he ever realised they chased as much - if not more - because he was simply unobtainable would be debatable, for a man that had once been as promiscuous as his dragon was want to be. But when it came right down to it, no one ever told him he was unobtainable; everyone told him he was attractive. The greenrider realised with a start that he couldn't exactly recall any particular time R'nd had specifically complimented his appearance. He knew the bluerider found him attractive (that was pretty damned apparent!) but knowing that his friend also considered himself the embodiment of gorgeous (and not without reason) B'jin was inclined not to think too much on that. R'nd was a good friend, and very sweet, and he would never hole B'jin up; even if B'jin didn't think better of R'nd than that, he knew the bluerider wouldn't do it because he couldn't stand to be playing prison guard either. That would be commitment.

B'jin looked up with a small smile, his thoughts quite far from that which I'shan was talking about, and thus was startled by the intensity within the blueriders eyes. B'jin's expression altered into one of honest shock, before collapsing in on itself to form an expression of confusion, unsure how to respond when I'shan's eyes were telling him one thing while the bluerider's actions and words said other things. In the end, the greenrider remained content to frown, still confused but somewhat relieved also; the indignation vanished with the realisation that I'shan did want him (Didn't everyone?!) and was replaced by a warm and pleasant smile when he also realised that his friend was being careful not to want him. A turn ago, B'jin would have felt he'd done something wrong, to make I'shan act as if he didn't want him, when he so clearly did; a turn of healthy (not) relationship with R'nd had the greenrider realising with a flash of insight that it was respect keeping I'shan's hands to himself.

Well, he assumed it was respect.

"That's okay," B'jin murmured lowly, standing up slowly and adjusting the child. His attention refocused on her as he mumbled under his breath, slipping around I'shan to enter the kitchen and pop the very slobbery wooden spoon into the sink. He smiled happily as he came back out, gaze meeting I'shan's.

"Thank you." What more was there to say than that? Wide eyes made the two simple words encompass everything B'jin wasn't able to put into words, or would have been unwilling to recognise if pushed. "I better get Tsereni home." The the bright smile reappeared as B'jin made his way to the door, picking up his guitar with obvious reverence before putting it over one shoulder. Waving cheerfully, B'jin slipped out the door. Tsereni needed to go home, before she soiled herself; he was not dealing with that.