Get It Off Your Chest [Talian]

Erisi was feeling mind-numbed. He had never quite recovered from having to sit through the candidate sexuality class. It didn't horrify him, or anything remotely similar to that feeling. Rather, he was familiar enough with the subject that this was nothing new. The entire time he had wanted to smack a girl at the front who couldn't stop her sharding giggling. It wasn't even cute giggling, it was the kind that grated on his ears and made him want to cover said ears with his hands. He could hear that giggling resonating in his skull still, and it caused a constant feeling of unpleasantness. Erisi needed a distraction, and perhaps he shouldn't be approaching the situation with that in mind... but eh, whatever.

He was on the hunt for his friend/failed sex partner, Talian. Why? Because the boy had clearly been uncomfortable for a good part of the class. Erisi could understand why, since Talian had shied away from even kissing him. Perhaps what Talian needed was a heart to heart talk about not pushing himself to sleep around because G'rem said so. Erisi certainly was going to do it. He silently thanked G'rem for encouraging everyone to do it. But, uh, it was definitely not the lifestyle for Talian. The boy would probably break into pieces at the thought of sex with a girl, let alone a boy. So, Erisi believed that Talian needed someone to talk to. He was also being kind enough by offering to be that someone.

It was the nicest thing he had done in turns.

He vaguely knew which room Talian had moved into in the Candidate Barracks, and made his way into said room without bothering to announce himself. Erisi was dressed in his usual attire, a sleeveless shirt, perfect-fitting pants, boots (because sandals looked horrible with his pants), and the atypical sash tied at his waist. His hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, and allowed to hang however it pleased. The sloppy style of his hair looked good, in his opinion, so he kept it like that.

Erisi spotted Talian on the bed, curled up and reading a book that was probably as uninteresting as Talian's sex life. Erisi had read enough when he was an apprenticed Harper... so, he was entirely done with reading. There was no worldy power in existence to convince him to read for enjoyment's sake, or even for work's sake. "Talian. Hey, move over."

Talian knew the other candidates were out and about in the barracks that evening, but he had neither the energy nor the will to join them. He was curled up on his bed, a ratty dragonhealing manual in hand, his tawny eyes hanging half-open in lethargy. The candidate lesson from earlier that day had worn on him. It was embarrassing and stressful, though he'd come out of it with relative grace. If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was endure unpleasantness. Physical hardship was new, but unpleasantness was all too familiar.

As always, Talian muddled through.

He didn't much care of his new quarters, but he'd never managed to get settled into the healing hall anyhow, so it wasn't a great loss. Talian missed having a space that was distinctly his, with his own things and his own decorations. Having his own room was a good way to crawl into a hole and escape the world. It made him feel secure and sleep better at night. It seemed Katila would deny him even that, uprooting him as soon as he started to relax in his previous quarters.

His eyes flickered to the door when he heard an unexpected but familiar voice. "Erisi?" Tal asked, his mellow voice heightened somewhat by surprise.  He immediately shifted his position to make room for the other man, though he couldn't imagine what Erisi was there for. Wasn't Erisi angry with him? The pessimistic healer could only assume so, since they'd hadn't spoken since their last awkward little meeting.

Talian felt his blood pumping faster in remembrance.

Erisi wasn't too bothered by their last... unfortunate encounter. Well, that may have been a bit of a lie. He was a little miffed at being led on, and more determined now to never let such a thing happen again. He was fairly disappointed that he didn't get laid, but he wasn't going to dwell on it. There was plenty of acceptable non-dragonrider ass in this Weyr, if he could be bothered to seek it out. Erisi was the type of person to sit back and wait for opportunity to fall into his lap - quite literally, sometimes. So, it seemed he was resigned to a sort of awkward friendship with Talian, which undoubtedly would be made more awkward with the subject that was on Erisi's mind.

Erisi took a seat next to Talian on the bed, completely comfortable despite how close they were. It likely would make Talian far more uncomfortable than Erisi would ever feel in the duration of his lifetime. "Look, you and I need to have a talk. You were looking absolutely miserable for a solid portion of today's class. So, being the nice guy that I am, even when you rejected me, I'm here to give you a hand." Not that sort of hand, for Faranth's sake he was just trying to let the healer relinquish his woes upon Erisi's shoulders! He was trying to give him some skewed moral guidance (skewed onlyo because it was coming from Erisi, and expectations should not be held high over his morals).

"I know G'rem was pushing for us all to experiment and the sort, and trust me, I certainly do intend to try." There was an almost pregnant pause as Erisi tried to figure out how to say what he wanted to say. His tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek as he mulled over the thoughts in his head. "But you don't have to. You're not Standing, right? So, don't push yourself. I have a feeling you'd break if you did, and I like you enough to not want to break. You don't need to go out and experiment, not yet. You will soon, because c'mon, it's a little pathetic that you don't get much action. But you're clearly not ready.

So, yeah." Advice giving was not Erisi's strong point. He was likely to never do this again.

Talian clutched his book close to him, as if it were protecting him from potential scorn. He didn't mind Erisi's closeness, though it reminded the healer of their previous encounter. No matter how he tried to twist it in his mind, the whole thing hadn't been so bad. The worst part of it was that Erisi wasn't Fiora. His eyes widened and shined with just a bit of hopefulness as he realized he was not about to be destroyed. A faint smile appeared, accented by the shadows cast by candlelight. "Thanks," he said softly as Erisi informed him that he was actually there to help.

Talian couldn't imagine how Erisi was going to help, but that quickly became evident. The healer listened quietly as Erisi spoke, noting the almost uncharacteristic  (though admittedly hard-edged) kindness and understanding Erisi was displaying. While at a loss for normal interaction most of the time, Talian was perceptive enough. He knew how peoples' body language worked and he had an ear for vocal inflections. As far as he could tell, Erisi was being honest with him. Talian's pessimistic and suspicious side reminded him that Erisi could just be a good actor, but this didn't seem like Erisi's style. If the other candidate wanted to hurt Talian, he would have just done it.

His smile slowly crept wider across his face. "Thank you," he repeated, his voice warm and relaxed, more relaxed than it had been all day. He felt like Erisi had given him a gift. The idea that someone so callous was going out of his way to give him advice was, in it's own way, touching. He leaned back against his headboard, much as he'd done last time, and sighed. "...This isn't the first time I've been told that I need to try it," he said, carefully avoiding a definition of 'it'. "And I'm...I'm not sure if  I'm standing or not. I was told that I'm probably not suitable, but I'm being required to take the classes and such anyhow...I think they may be trying to...'fix' me, or at least see if I can," he admitted in a mellow tone.

What Erisi's personality boiled down to was that he was loyal to his friends, but absolutely horrible to be around if you didn't happen to be one of those friends. But, even this gesture of kindness was a stretch of Erisi's limits. In all honesty, he believed that if Talian experimented eventually, it would be good for him. It was shameful that the older healer had grown up so sheltered. There had to be something unhealthy about not getting around even a little too. Talian was a Healer, he should know that sort of thing. While it'd be good for him, it was clear that Talian wasn't emotionally ready. Being told to have sex with new people clearly would just stress out an already stressed man. He did not want to see Talian suffer through some sort of psychotic break because his mind couldn't handle the idea of making out with men.

"Yeah," Erisi said in response to Talian's thanks. A hand raised to tuck a loose strand of hair behind his ear. It was embarrassing, really, to go out of his way to be kind. He felt like he was opening himself up to some criticism that Talian was likely to never give. "Eh, it's not? Who's been hounding you about that?" It wasn't like Erisi had any room to speak about that particular subject after having made a move on Talian. But, in his defense, Talian had been hitting on him hard. Of course, Talian had no idea he had been hitting on him, but Erisi would still use that as a valid excuse.

"Look, sex is sex. It's great, but some people take uh... longer to embrace it than others. Some never do. I hope you're not one of those, because that'll just depress me. You'll come into it when you're ready to, and pushing yourself could make it... unpleasant?" Dear Faranth, why was he saying this? He wanted to sleep with Talian, and he was persuading the man to abstain from sex until he was ready. And Talian would likely be ready never. Erisi really was going to have to try a different outlet. Should he try a dragonrider?

Ah, no.

He still pretty much hated their guts.

"Anyways, don't change. You won't have to Stand that way. I envy you for that, really. If I could get out of Standing, I would in a heartbeat." The idea of having a dragon wasn't that bad, but the idea of benefiting the Weyr was terrible, so much so that it cancelled out all benefits to Impressing.

Talian looked at Erisi with warm gratitude, though he decided not to go on about it. He figured being kind wasn't Erisi's normal mode of operation, and the other man might not appreciate being reminded of what he was going out of his way to do. So Talian appreciated it silently and moved back to the topic at hand.

"That's the thing though," he said softly. "I like sex. I just...have trouble with people," he said. He spoke with an odd hollowness, as it purposefully detaching himself from the subject rather than thinking too hard about it. He was prone to think too hard about things. If he did that  now, he'd wind up thinking too much about Fiora and his home, and that would depress him more. His medical mind knew that, and was quite willing to treat the subject like the corpse of a long dead patient rather than suffer through more disappointment.

He shifted his position awkwardly and cast his eyes down. "I don't know, Erisi. The person who encouraged me before was B'jin...the rider who brought me here." He didn't bother to explain the bond he'd formed with the greenrider. Erisi wouldn't understand, and it would just cause needless stress. Talian knew B'jin was just looking out for him, in an odd way. What a strange place this Weyr was, to produce an atmosphere where such advice was necessary!

"B'jin didn't pressure me, though. He...pretty much warned me the same way the weyrling master did," he said as an afterthought. It was a subtle defense of B'jin. Talian valued the few people he'd come close to, and didn't want to risk alienating any of them. Nothing was obligating Erisi to like B'jin, of course, but Talian liked both of them in different ways.

The conversation progressed and something new stuck out to Talian. Don't change, Erisi had said. Talian dwelled on it for a moment. "Thank you, Erisi. You'd be surprised how rarely I hear that advice."

He smiled widely for the first time as he turned that train of thought over in his mind. Here he was with three people he could call friends. Three times more than he had at home. Not too shabby.

"You've had sex?" Erisi questioned incredulously. One couldn't blame him for being under the assumption that Talian had little to no experience with either gender. Talian was older than him, but for all appearances acted as if he was turns younger than Erisi. Erisi had met few that seemed as innocuous as Talian was. Perhaps he had just been hanging around the wrong crowd, which wouldn't be surprising given his disposition and behavior. He was as outrageous as most dragonriders - it was a wonder why he didn't get along with them when their lifestyles were more aligned than his in comparison to Talian's and most Holders. Erisi just continued to hate them on principle. He was stubborn, so that principle would last a fair while longer.

Okay, Erisi already did not like this B'jin character. "What? You're still hanging around the person who kidnapped you? And you're LETTING him encourage you to get laid? Do you not see anything fishy with that? Because I see a wherry whole of issue with that." Talian had unintentionally doomed B'jin to never being liked by Erisi. He had ratted him out as a Searchrider, and as someone who had been suggesting to Talian that he go get laid. Since Erisi was completely opposed to the idea, he was very opposed to B'jin. He hadn't even met the man and was resolved to hate him. Whatever hope Talian had of the two of them possibly getting along had just been squashed by his own words.

"I wouldn't hang around him, Talian." Erisi said as he folded his arms against his chest, practically warding against any defense Talian had to speak for B'jin. "All he wants is for you to fall in love with Weyr life, maybe he thinks getting a lot of tail will make you happier." One glance at the hard lines in Erisi's face could confirm how displeased he was with Talian's association with B'jin. It wasn't like he had a right to tell Talian who to hang around with, but he certainly acted like he did.

"I bet you B'jin didn't give you that sort of advice. So, trust me, I've got your back. Most dragonriders want what is best for their Weyr, and our livelihoods are sacrificed for that."

"I have," Talian said. He wasn't surprised at Erisi's surprise. Most people would be, he imagined. He didn't exactly radiate an intricate knowledge of sexuality. He let out a scoffing laugh. "Once. Well, twice, but in the same evening so I hard;y think it counts," he said. He paused to consider the subject before moving on. As much as he'd dreaded talking about it with anyone, it wasn't as hard as he'd feared it would be. "It was with a girl, obviously...a long time friend of mine." He didn't bothering going into details, though his throat tightened at the memory. A pained expression rippled across his face.

"I liked it, though. It's not the mechanical act that's a problem." He wasn't really sure what it was about people, either. Was he intimidated by them? A little bit. There were other problems too, though. He didn't know what was appropriate, he didn't express desire properly...he was just green. Having damaged social skills in general didn't help.

The issue of B'jin came up, and Talian wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to defend B'jin, but he also figured Erisi was justified in most of his sentiment. Talian had shared many of those suspicions, after all. He just sighed. "B'jin is kinder to me than my father was," he offered, a paltry defense in theory, though the simple words meant quite a lot to Talian. He got a little humor out of part of the conversation, though. "I wish it was as easy as 'getting more tail'," he said. "You know that's why I'm not standing, right? I'm too depressed."

Erisi was less surprised to hear that Talian had only had sex once (he wasn't counting the second time if it was with the same person on the same night, that was cheating). "Well, that practically amounts to you not having sex. Your first time certainly doesn't give you the chance to really enjoy it." Erisi wasn't going to press Talian for details about his first and only sexual encounter. It was clear to see that it brought some discomfort to Talian to dwell on that memory. Normally, Erisi would press for more information, but he liked Talian enough to respect his space. He didn't want to lose one of the only friends he had in this Weyr. He had been here for around half of a turn, and insofar had only made two friends. It had taken a lot of time to get to this point, and it could take a lot less time to ruin it.

"So, you're just not emotionally ready for it. You trusted and liked the person you were with enough to do it, and that's fine. A lot of people don't like the sort of... lifestyle people like myself have." Holders were notoriously strict about how they carried on having sex. It was usually only with a few partners over their lifetime, and mostly with the person they were married to, and only after they had married them. It would have been an extremely frustrating lifestyle for Erisi. He certainly wasn't having sex for the purpose of making babies. He was having sex to enjoy himself. There was little else to do in this Weyr that was enjoyable.

"B'jin is still the person who took you away from your life, from that pretty girl you had sex with." He was assuming she was pretty, for Talian's sake. "He's kind, but not so kind as to let you live your own life?"  Erisi was entirely critical of B'jin without even knowing the man. All he really had to know was that B'jin was a Searchrider, and had forced Talian here. Those were the only reasons Erisi needed to hate somebody.

"Ah..." the topic suddenly became a little more uncomfortable. Running a hand through his hair, an irritable scowl crossed his face when his fingers got stuck at the base of his ponytail. "I figured that was the reason. I mean, you look and act depressed." It was a miracle Erisi tolerated and even liked Talian. He was everything Erisi usually found to be irritating.

"They never outright told me," he said. "But they've implied it. B'jin told me that no dragonet would come near me anyhow, and if one did, we would likely both wind up commuting suicide," he said. His eyes narrowed and his voice sank unnaturally low as he spoke, his thin fingers still curled into tight fists. His bitterness fluttered to the surface for a moment, pulling the corners of his mouth down and laying some unseen weight on his shoulder. The debate about B'jin was intentionally forgotten. Talian knew well that B'jin was to blame for his situation, but B'jin was also one of the few people he knew well and had grown fond of. B'jin actually seemed to care about him. Talian suspected a similar potential lied in Erisi, but he wasn't keen on giving up either of them if he didn't have to.

He needed them.

The dark quality in his  tone seemed to hang in the air for a moment before he exhaled. He decided to go back to the previous topic. "I...can't think of anything mechanically wrong with the idea," he said sluggishly. "But I can't imagine myself actually doing it. Erisi...to be completely honest with you, I felt like I was cheating on my girlfriend last time. And I've loved her for a long, long time." It was the first time he made an honest, detailed confession about Fiora, though he'd mentioned her various times to various people. He always avoided talking about it. He didn't imagine Erisi had anyone he felt similarly about back home, but perhaps at leats he'd understand.

Shards, were it not for the touchy topic of Nemall, he probably would have spilled to B'jin sooner. It wasn't that he trusted either B'jin or Erisi more than the other, it was just how events lined up. Hhe let out a sigh. "But I'm never going to see her again. And even if I could, it would be because she came here...and I don't want her life to be ruined, too. I guess I just need to get over it."

"They need to leave you alone," Erisi replied with an impatient tone, as if he'd march up to the Weyrwoman herself and tell her off. He probably would, and that would end him right back up on Candidate Isle. But, he was sure that it would be pretty much worth it to stick it to her face. Perhaps they would get tired enough of his antics that they would likewise kick him out of Candidacy, hopefully forever. "I think what you need is just more time to yourself, to get adjusted and happy again. They keep pressuring you, putting you into new situations that I'm not sure you even want to cope with." It wasn't like Erisi wanted to go through the same things, but at least he wasn't depressed. He was far more angry at his situation than he was dragged down by it.

A soft sigh was breathed through his lips. Talian had all the emotion bundled up into one body that Erisi simply would not be able to handle himself. He wasn't used to dealing with this open sort of chatter - he usually expected that people wanted him to be open in return, and when he wasn't, they were severely disappointed. Erisi looked mildly uncomfortable, which was one of the rarer expressions he was known to show. There was little that brought him true discomfort, but this open touchy-feely crap was definitely one of those things. "It was just a kiss, nothing you should feel guilt over. It takes time... to get over love. But, it happens, love ends, you find someone new to replace that gap, and you discover happiness again." The only problem with Erisi was that he had someone new to replace that gap with every sevenday at the most. Love actually wasn't his forte. Some would claim that the emotional scope of love was something beyond Erisi's grasp of comprehension. He just wasn't up for getting himself hurt. He much preferred to be the one doing the hurting. "So, you're still not over her. There's nothing wrong with that, really. Again, it's just something that takes time. I'm sure you'll feel more comfortable with sex... eventually."

Erisi really wasn't holding his breath for that one, though.

He just figured that was a good point to emphasize in his head.

"You'll find someone new, whether it be a girl or a man. As far as I see it, you're fairly lucky in not having to Stand. You can actually set up a relationship with someone. Anyone who Impresses doesn't get that chance." It was probably the only thing he'd be okay with if he Impressed, because he was not actually looking for a relationship. Again, such a thing was not in Erisi's foreseeable future. It would take one sharding determined person to rope Erisi down, and it was very likely that such a person did not exist.

As emotional as he was, these little touchy-feely sessions were a little bit uncomfortable for Talian as well. His emotions were strong and active, but he usually kept them to himself. Odd, at Katila he'd found an unexpected number of willing ears. That's a role he was used to assuming himself.

"I know I'll get over her," he said softly. "I'm worried about her...I hope she gets over me," he said. It hurt to think about her with another man, but that would be the best.  He'd pined over her for turns before she noticed him in that capacity. Surely she would be able to move on soon.

Right?

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "You're right, though. About everything." Well, almost everything. Talian wasn't letting go of B'jin; that was the closest he had to a father. "I know I'm not the only one in this situation, though. I guess everyone has lost someone..." There really was no way to win in this situation.

He sighed again. "...Thanks for coming back to talk to me. I figured I'd chased you off with my stupidity," he said, taking a halfhearted but sincere jab at himself. He had to admit, there was the slightest bit of fire in him for Erisi. He wasn't sure if it was actual attraction or not, but it was definitely something. He still didn't find himself physically inclined towards men, but the kiss had been quite good. He wasn't sure if he actually wanted anything from either gender, though. Not so soon.

Shards, he was so confused.

"I'm glad I'm not alone here," he admitted at length, casting a half-smile at Erisi. It was his subtle way of telling Erisi that if he needed to complain as well, he was more than welcome to.

Erisi didn't want to be entirely cynical with Talian, since the man was already depressed enough already. But, he thought that whatever girl had Talian's heart would easily get over the loss of him... not because Talian was a poor catch. That was just the nature of people - they moved on with their lives when they lost something. It may hurt for a little while, but that hurt would eventually dwindle down to nothing. They'd be happy again, even if they had lost the 'love of their life'. "I'm sure she'll be able to find happiness," Erisi answered lightly, which was the nicest way he could possibly have phrased that. His faith in love was very, very small.

He nodded his head, silently thinking to himself that of course he was right. "It's a cruelty, really, what they've done to us. Everyone has lost someone or something they've valued, something that should probably never have been taken away from them to begin with." It was almost interesting to note that while Erisi had been happy enough to whine and bitch about his situation, when it came to serious conversation he outright avoided mentioning his family. He was not an open sort of person to begin with, and while he felt it was his right to express his unhappy opinions, in an intimate conversation like this... he'd rather listen.

Again, this was why a relationship never worked out for him. He had tried, when he was a few turns younger. He quickly gave up.

"Mmm, I should've been chased off. I don't usually tolerate being told 'no' to. It's frustrating, and embarrassing." He shrugged his shoulders, a gesture of 'what could I even do about it'. "But, you're one of the few people here that don't completely piss me off, so I figured it was worth a shot to stick around." That was an easy way of putting it. Perhaps Erisi did need human company, and just wasn't open about it. Talian was one of the few people he felt comfortable enough and enjoyed some conversation with. "Besides, I'd hate to just let a sharding dragonrider cloud your mind. Someone has to talk actual sense to you." There was still some genuine physical interest in Talian, but the healer had made it clear enough that he wasn't ready for it... and Erisi wasn't the sort of person to wait around. He was here now out of friendship, not because he wanted to sleep with his fellow Candidate.

He'd go elsewhere for that need.

"Me too," he answered lamely. It was clear that he had understood the open invitation to talk about his life, and it was probably just as clear to Talian that he had rejected it.

Talian understood. He cast a knowing look at Erisi and even managed a small smile. That quick little 'me too' was all Talian needed, and perhaps it carried more weight than a long speech would have. Talian was much the same, after all.  It had taken him a while to talk about Fiora, and he'd left his father out of it completely.He felt his arms and neck getting prickly.

"Maybe I will be ready," he thought aloud. He wasn't sure if he wished it or not. A physical outlet would be nice. He felt pressured though, not only by his instructors but also his peers. This wasn't the sort of world he could just dive in to. In a way, though, he was jealous of the people who took to things so easily. Not just sex, either. Everything.  Making friends, taking on new roles, adapting to new lives. Talian felt like he was alone most of the time. People like Erisi numbed that feeling. Even when they didn't dive too deeply into the topic, Talian knew he wasn't alone.

He smiled once more, this time genuine and warm. "Thank you, Erisi. I'm getting tired, though. I think I'm going to get some sleep while I can," he said gently. He hated to dismiss his friend, but the conversation left him soothed and comforted. For once, he might actually sleep well.

Erisi wasn't sure that Talian would be ready any time soon, but they were friends (something that was a little hard for Erisi to admit, since he had been so determined not to befriend anyone here) and Erisi would look out for the other Candidate. This B'jin rider needed a talking to, though Erisi wasn't sure he could refrain from yelling at the man instead. It was clear that Talian was feeling some pressure from the Searchrider, and that was pressure Erisi would have to alleviate for the sake of his friend. Faranth, he was being so nice lately. Perhaps he was coming down with some sort of incurable disease. At least they wouldn't let him Stand for a Hatching that way... but he'd still prefer life.

His own life would be even better.

"Mmm, yeah, get some rest. I'll try and talk to you in-between pointless chores." Erisi was beginning to think he actually needed to invest more in a relationship that was not so emotionally heavy. He was always bad at these kinds of things, and not because he was unaware of how he screwed them up. Usually he was aware of the wrong things to say, but didn't care to censor himself anyways. He was opinionated, and spoke what was on his mind when it crossed his mind. That was probably the most reliable trait about him, besides the fact that he liked to sleep around.

"See you later," he concluded, rising from Talian's bed and exiting the room to find himself something to do that he was not so emotionally invested in.