[G] [C] 734.12.17 | Broken Realisations

You need to go back eventually, Veeth crooned softly, making his already lilting voice all the more gentile and comforting. V’ler shrugged in response though he knew his dragon was right. It was getting late and he couldn’t sit outside mourning all night. If nothing else, finding strong alcohol to dull some pain before continuing his silent and lonely vigil in the growing dark sounded like a good idea. He wasn’t even much of a drinker, having almost given up on the substance entirely since Impressing, but there were always exceptions and losing a childhood friend ranked high on that list.

In truth, that was only partially right. Losing Jada hurt but the guilt he now carried needed to be dulled more than anything else. He had been closer to her brother in their youth and didn’t really notice Jada. It was only when they crossed paths again at Katila, having both been kidnapped and brought to the mysterious Weyr that he took it upon himself to be her protector in place of her brother. She also became a friend, despite getting bitchy at times after Impressing to gold and trying to change things to be more fair to her gender and position. Jada had been a friend and almost a little sister to him and now she was gone.

And he had watched her die and could do nothing about it.

Like with her surgery that saved her arms those weakened dexterity in both hands, Jada had wanted him beside her as she gave birth. As before, she wanted to hear him sing, something he rarely did anymore having preferred to focus more on writing than preforming. He had complied, singing softly some songs he knew she loved, doing his best to keep her calm during the labour. It had been a challenge though. Like with Indivara’s delivery, it left V’ler feeling a bit queasy but he focused more on Jada’s face than anywhere else. He knew before the Healers had said anything that something was wrong, however. There was a lot of blood and Jada seemed so weak. He knew Jada knew as well. They had locked gazes and an understanding passed between them as they held each other’s hand tightly.

She had smiled at the very end and V’ler had almost convinced himself everything was fine, even when Krypth started keening for her fallen rider. The Healers had pushed him away from where he stood frozen in place, still clinging to Jada’s lifeless hand. They had to bring Jada to Krypth and he was in the way, or so he was told several minutes later when he was guided out of the room, still in shock. Even Veeth’s distress barely reached him in that time and it took someone – V’ler had no idea who it was – to guide him to his sweet dragon before V’ler broke down and the crying against a soft blue hide started.

It had continued for quite some time, only stopping enough to mount Veeth and tell him to go somewhere where no one would find them. He needed to be alone. He couldn’t stand to see anyone right then and needed to come to terms with everything that had happened. He had failed as a guardian and a friend and now he had lost someone close to him. Watching a classmate go between in practice and never return had been a shock and caused V’ler to avoid betweening whenever he could but this was different. He felt this loss far more deeply.

Veeth was right, however. Drinking wouldn’t help but heading home and curling up in his slightly comfortable bed sounded nice. He would still be left alone and he’d be lost under his blanket and able to tune out the world and Vex and Quill would still be able to keep him company by taking turns in his lap like they had been doing since Veeth found the quiet location. It was only when he finally made it home and stumbled into his room that he remembered Indivara and the girl’s friendship with Jada. His own pain had blinded him to the pain others would feel. He would have felt horrible for it if he had any emotions left to give.

He held out his arms when Indivara flew at him and held her close as she wrapped herself around him, seeming to attempt merging their bodies into one. More stumbling, this time under their combined weight, brought V’ler to his bed and whether Indivara knew she had done it or not, he sat down when she had both legs wrapped around his waist.

The tears began to fall again as V’ler lifted one hand to rub circles on Indivara’s back. He could feel her silently crying as well and it was only from months of learning how to comfort someone that V’ler instinctively did the light gesture without thought. In a way, it helped him as well. It was something bordering on normality and it helped to have something to focus on other than his loss and how useless he had been.

He supposed he should have said something but V’ler didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? Everyone knew what had happened thanks to the dragons and it was hard to say everything would be okay when he currently wasn’t sure it would be. He couldn’t even think of something to help distract them. So he held Indivara. They’d figure it out together eventually.