08.Jan.20, 03:04 AM
Cazan had spent a good deal of time staring at herself in the mirror, debating on if she wanted to wear the fabric bindings over her chest or not. It didn't matter right? After a frantic and confusing talk with N'reh where she'd gone back and forth on the matter she had ultimately decided she was going to tell him and hope that he could keep a secret. Fuck she hoped he could keep a secret. Or that he would even agree to at all. He was meeting with Cazelarias, with her work persona version of him at least, so she should start out that way. Cazan squirmed her way into the snug garment and finished dressing in her masculine work attire. it would probably make it easier for him to believe her that way too. Maybe. Or maybe he wouldn't believe her and just get angry about being tricked. Even if he did believe she'd been pretending the whole time he could still feel that way.
Fuck. What was she even doing? Sure Cazan thought people were attractive, but nothing had ever come out of it, really. She'd fooled around once, but that hadn't come even close to the satisfaction and the odd sense of wanting she had the other day... when she'd been drunk. That was another reason to worry on its own. What if now that she was sober, she told him, and then.... what if she didn't want any more? What if she could only bring herself to do anything while she had a belly full of booze? What if T'ryn was disappointed and crushed? Heartbroken? She'd seen men pine after women who spurned them, and the occasional mockery it earned.
What if it hadn't been the drink? What if she never stopped being distracted from her work? She'd barely gotten anything done yesterday, had barely eaten, barely slept. She needed to get back to work, maybe she would have some time before he came for breakfast. She checked herself in the mirror one more time before making her way to her workbench. There were the riding gloves she'd been working on as part of an order for another customer. Those would do; small, easy enough to put back down if he got there before she was done stitching them together.
It was soothing to be able to get back to work, even though her heart was still nervously fluttering, her hands were the slightest unsteady. At least the stitches were even, even though she had to pause and breathe every now and then to keep them that way. She was a little more than halfway through the second glove of the pair when the knock made her jump. Cazan had been listening for it she realized, but it still sent her heart racing all the same. She cleared her throat, made sure her voice was its usual masculine and called out, "Come in. I'm almost done with this."
Maybe if she could finish this order she'd feel better, maybe she'd be able to speak without babbling nervously. Maybe everything would start to make sense.
Fuck. What was she even doing? Sure Cazan thought people were attractive, but nothing had ever come out of it, really. She'd fooled around once, but that hadn't come even close to the satisfaction and the odd sense of wanting she had the other day... when she'd been drunk. That was another reason to worry on its own. What if now that she was sober, she told him, and then.... what if she didn't want any more? What if she could only bring herself to do anything while she had a belly full of booze? What if T'ryn was disappointed and crushed? Heartbroken? She'd seen men pine after women who spurned them, and the occasional mockery it earned.
What if it hadn't been the drink? What if she never stopped being distracted from her work? She'd barely gotten anything done yesterday, had barely eaten, barely slept. She needed to get back to work, maybe she would have some time before he came for breakfast. She checked herself in the mirror one more time before making her way to her workbench. There were the riding gloves she'd been working on as part of an order for another customer. Those would do; small, easy enough to put back down if he got there before she was done stitching them together.
It was soothing to be able to get back to work, even though her heart was still nervously fluttering, her hands were the slightest unsteady. At least the stitches were even, even though she had to pause and breathe every now and then to keep them that way. She was a little more than halfway through the second glove of the pair when the knock made her jump. Cazan had been listening for it she realized, but it still sent her heart racing all the same. She cleared her throat, made sure her voice was its usual masculine and called out, "Come in. I'm almost done with this."
Maybe if she could finish this order she'd feel better, maybe she'd be able to speak without babbling nervously. Maybe everything would start to make sense.