Confessions of a Confused Heart [B'jin]

“Valerian really wrote this?” R’nd questioned as he finished reading the poem he had found in the pile of unmarked quizzes. At first he thought it had been the greenrider’s work but B’jin was quick to point out who the true author was and they settled in on the couch to enjoy a glass of wine together while R’nd read it over. It was odd that the blue weyrling would leave his precious work unguarded and in someone else’s care but R’nd supposed Valerian had enough trust in B’jin and likely knew a nosy bluerider would end up reading it and another poem left with it as well. Given how lovey-dovey the one piece was, R’nd had a sneaking suspicion that having them both read it was the entire point in leaving the poems behind instead of inviting B’jin to his hut or taking the papers back with him. It was also odd to envision that kid as being a romantic soul but whether he put his inked words to practice was something R’nd couldn’t actually verify himself and was quite content in keeping that record. “You should convince him to make his work public. He’s good.”

He set the papers aside and shifted a bit to accommodate the cuddly greenrider at his side to lightly hold him close. It was strange how much he enjoyed these quiet moments that normally happened in bed before or after far more passionate activities but lately spread out into the living room or even on the Sands during a Hatching. R’nd didn’t mind public displays of affection and even with their initial painting encounter, the bluerider had been careful to keep it to a minimum but B’jin didn’t seem to mind hand-holding and cuddling at various times. Still, intimacy hadn’t been one of the things R’nd had been known for. Sure, he could make his lover feel like the only person in the world with the attention he showered upon them for the night, sevenday, or even month they managed to keep him for but R’nd had always been careful not to get too attached. Getting attached meant he could be hurt far more easily when they left him first. He didn’t like people hating him and he didn’t like being alone so sleeping around and being easy to approach for anything had been the ideal game plan.

And then B’jin finally factored into his life.

When he thought about numbers, R’nd realised he had held a crush on the greenrider for nearly half of his life which was downright scary and would have been deemed as impossible by everyone who knew him and his flighty ways. Just like they wouldn’t believe it unless they saw it that they had been together-yet-not for over a turn. Yet, it happened and as much as he ignored deeper feelings, he couldn’t deny the crush was still there and stronger than ever. It was amazing how B’jin worked his way so easily through all of the carefully placed defences and left R’nd slowly opening up about his past he never thought anyone would actually care to know about or his silly little hopes for the future like becoming a Searchrider – though that topic was always a touchy one with his friends that were Searchers given the methods needed for Katila. 

One other thing B’jin had managed to do without even trying or likely knowing he had succeeded was gain so much of R’nd’s attention and trust that the bluerider had slowly stopped seeing other people to the point where the only bed he hopped into was B’jin’s – until one specific night with I’shan changed that. R’nd didn’t begrudge B’jin for weaving such magic on him and while there had been times where his old ways sparked to life and he itched to see what he was missing by not ‘mingling’ with everyone like he used to, he had managed to ignore them and find himself enjoying the greenrider’s company more and more.

But I’shan…

I’shan was a close friend of R’nd’s and was even something akin to a mentor after Impressing Ayyonth. They had a lot of wild adventures together but even with the countless times they flirted with each other, I’shan never took it seriously and nothing came of it – until that night they made up after drifting apart because of N’gelt. The sexual tension was still there and I’shan had finally felt it and it couldn’t be ignored. After that, they met up for more secret encounters though R’nd suffered quite a bit of guilt from it. He had even made out with Erisi and been close to going too far for his guilt to handle before Valerian showed up. That was likely why the bratty weyrling had left such a romantic poem for them to find. A reminder of what R’nd was throwing away if he wasn’t careful. Like he needed Valerian’s fancy written words and silent glances to tell him that!

The guilt reached a climax when he heard about the lashing I’shan received because of their kitchen sex. He was drowning in guilt the night he found out but fear had kept him from saying anything to his sweet greenrider that deserved so much better. R’nd had told him that after the mess with accidentally Impressing Rell. He wasn’t good enough for B’jin and wasn’t what he was believed to be and would never live up to expectations yet they had still made up and it had been wonderful. Beyond wonderful. The guilt and self-doubt had vanished easily that night and it had been properly ignored for quite some time until right then after reading a sappy poem and cuddling with the man R’nd was afraid of hurting and losing.

B’jin truly did deserve better but he deserved the reason as well.

R’nd finished off his glass of wine and set it down so he could wrap both arms around B’jin and kiss the crown of his head. He really couldn’t get beyond how much he loved this and how… right they seemed to fit together both in the physical sense but in every way like how the silence around them was comfortable and they were usually on the same page. Maybe he didn’t need to tell B’jin anything. They had been living perfectly well with all of his secrets hidden away, right? They could stay right where they were and never bother B’jin in the least. Even before Ayyonth stirred to correct that way of thinking, R’nd saw the holes in that logic. His friend would be hurt even more if he heard it from someone else and it was only fair to confess.

After more wine.

He knew B’jin had only planned for a short visit since he had been on his way to Valerian’s to return the poems and get the Harper to mark the quizzes, but a little more wine would be okay, right? B’jin seemed eager for reasons to get away from the Barracks for a while though he’d likely change his mind after he heard what R’nd wanted to say. “I’ll refill our glasses,” he spoke softly and detangled himself from B’jin. The glasses were grabbed and R’nd meandered over to his kitchen where the bottle had been left. He was glad he did so instead of bringing it to the living room with him like he normally would. It offered him a chance to try to shake the sudden antsy feeling he had and to remove himself from the comfortable hold. He didn’t want to drop his bad news while they were cuddling. That would likely only make it extra awkward.

A moment later a glass was being offered back to B’jin but R’nd stayed on his feet and paced around his hut. He had several pieces of B’jin’s art hanging around the main room with the original painting of Larrikith and kids crawling on her hanging in a prominent area. That had been an amazing day even if it was the reason D’ren ordered B’jin’s lashing. He smiled sadly at the art, convinced he wouldn’t have such a moment again before turning to face B’jin with a deep breath. “I have a confession. Two, actually, I think.”

Written while dosed with NyQuil. Hope it makes some sort of sense!