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+---- Thread: [D] Burn After Writing (/showthread.php?tid=2754)
Burn After Writing - T'ryn - 05.Oct.14
I'm still in shock.
R'nd (extremely awkwardly) invited me to meet his family when Syrendryth is old enough to make the trip.
I said yes but I don't know what to expect. He's from a sea hold. He is... was, the son of a lord. I'm just me. I'm the son of a creche worker.
You have a good point.
Re: T'ryn's Cleverly Named Journal - T'ryn - 03.Dec.15
17.04.236
Even though I've visited a few times now, it was still kind of weird to have my birthday in the North with my dad's family. I mean, they're my family too but... I dunno... they still don't really seem like it yet. Mom's been the only family I had for the majority of my life and then I suddenly had a dad because I blurted it out to him and now I have his siblings and his mom... Parella is more like a grandma to me than my actual grandmother is. They're pretty cool though. Except my uncle. He's... stand-offish, I guess is the best way to put it.
Luckily, Aunt Eridella is a perceptive woman and must have noticed the friction between her brothers and how I feel weird around him and dear Uncle Pendalier wasn't invited to my birthday party she threw at her Hold. That was also weird. A big party with fancy decorations, a lot of food, a large cake, and gifts just for me turning fourteen.
N'mor was there with his dad so that was pretty cool. He went exploring with me after all the pleasantries were done and the adults started chatting and my cousins went off to do their own things (they're not so bad but we're not exactly best friends). I think he had fun. I know the dragons did. Ayyonth was pretty cool with playing big brother to them. Syrendryth said Ayyonth made sure they didn't get into trouble but he also played with them and apparently showed them some tricks, which is a bit worrisome because neither one will tell me what they are.
Oh and Benden was there for a bit. Volfetti brought him down to see R'nd before politely leaving a bit later. I used to be envious of the time he got with R'nd and the attention he received but I don't think I am now. It's not that I'm happy Benden lives in the North now and I'm still in Katila with our dad but I am happy it wasn't me that was sent to live somewhere else and learn a whole new way of living. I like the Weyr life and I'm so happy I Impressed. I was told Benden can make a decision on where to live when he's twelve. That was awesome of his parents to agree to let him do that instead of locking him into a certain path. I heard that's pretty standard for the children of lords. Well, he's one of my little brothers so I'll keep watch over him and if he wants to live in a Weyr, maybe I'll see if I can get him into whichever one I'm stationed to.
But for now, I need sleep. I ate way too much and did way too much socializing. Tomorrow will be amazing if I can go without interacting with anyone so I can fully unwind. Having a large family is a lot of work.
Re: T'ryn's Cleverly Named Journal - T'ryn - 03.Dec.15
13.06.236
I think I like girls.
And boys.
Well, I know I do, especially given who my dad is, it'd be weird if I didn't I guess. But I'm not entirely like R'nd either. I don't find every single person I walk by attractive. In fact, most people don't turn my head or make my heart flutter a bit.
Is that wrong?
I don't even know which part I'm questioning. Is it wrong I don't want to jump everyone I know? Is it wrong I like both genders, especially when I'm a bronzerider and traditionally they only want pretty ladies from good Hold upbringings? Is it wrong it took me this long to notice I might be attracted to someone?
My dad is the perfect guy to talk to about attraction but he's also the worst person to ask. For one thing, he hasn't really mastered the father-son chats yet and would likely freak out and I'll end up either talking with Ayyonth or maybe even B'jin before he also flailed or laughed his butt off at R'nd's reaction. But R'nd also lusts unconditionally (before falling for B'jin but everyone knows not to bring that up despite it being five years they've been together) and he wouldn't really understand that I might not and that I might kind of sort of find it awkward to even approach someone I like.
I think I might also like the wrong people who would never like me back.
Growing up sucks.
RE: Burn After Writing - T'ryn - 26.Apr.21
ooc: T'ryn decided at some point over the last five years (when the last note was written here) that he doesn't like keeping written record of his thoughts since he has a lot of nosy siblings and friends that would somehow find the entries and possibly tease him. So he's taken to writing down his thoughts and worries and then either immediately or a few days later burn the page. He mostly writes now in the hopes that doing so will make the thoughts go away or at least stop eating at him so much. It has yet to work.
742.04.15
I know everyone teases about how I worry too much or plan too far ahead and live in my head too much but I might be starting to believe it now. Heck, I even believe the ones that say I have turned my guilt into a kink.
I worry that I'm hovering too much to make sure Zanny is safe. The killer has clearly targeted her... maybe me but the pattern seems to be more goldriders than bronzeriders.
I've been so useless. She's only been safe because I ate the muffin and we were lucky the second time with the flower. I can't get that image of Par'a dying out of my head and how useless I was there as well. Maybe she would still be alive if I was a healer or maybe if I had sniffed the flower instead or had even noticed the damned thing and removed it because of how suspicious it was. I feel like her death is my fault and everyone that ever loved or even knew Par'a in passing knows it and blames me as well. It's my fault we lost such a wonderful and caring woman.
I also can't stop thinking about how I normally would have made Cazan eat the muffin because she never remembers to eat when she's lost in a project. But the pregnancy has been rough on her and eating even rougher. So I didn't push. But I could have and she would have eaten it to humour me. She could be the one with the headaches, exhaustion, shortness of breath, and tremors. Or worse.
And now I worry she's going to start to hate me because I don't want her out of my sight. Malvayth says I'm being silly and I guess she would know best. But I'll just have to risk Zanny's ire until the killer is caught and everyone is safe once more.
I guess I could learn to live with her hating me if it meant she was still alive.
742.04.24
N'mall and D'ser were behind all of this? Are brownriders still that angry over losing some of their ranks and privileges? I can't believe they would turn to murder... it just doesn't make sense. How does that prove brownriders are to be trusted and are responsible?
I heard some people say they were removing those that would strongly oppose their move for more power and that some of the goldriders were in on it as well. It's true some goldriders weren't targeted or some were and either avoided it because of their mates or had lighter symptoms than others but it just doesn't sit right with me.
I know I should be relieved that the murderers are no more and everyone is safe once more but from what I heard of the note left behind, it doesn't sound like they were the only ones. I wonder who has the letter now and if I can look at it. I need to know the exact wording so I can maybe rest easier and know for certain that Zanny is safe.
Why can't I be normal and just accept things for what they are? Why do I need to doubt and question and over-analyse everything?
RE: Burn After Writing - T'ryn - 07.May.21
742.05.06
I have so many 'I told you so' to say to Cazan but I won't say any of them because they won't help or change anything.
Besides, the twins (told her so) came early and I had to come back and get the list of names. I wasn't ready for this! We hadn't decided on more than one name though I do have a couple others I like.
Oh man. I'm actually a dad now.
ooc: He quickly wrote down his thoughts when he came back to get the list of names and is purposely using the births as a distraction from everything else. He then sat there stunned for a few minutes before returning to the infirmary.
RE: Burn After Writing - T'ryn - 26.May.21
742.05.26
I am so tired.
RE: Burn After Writing - T'ryn - 05.Jul.22
743.06.xx
I don't know what day it is. I've spent so much time awake and watching over my brothers only to have a small nap and see my family for a short time and return to brother duty. I don't know how either is still alive. So much blood. So many memories. I remember my fear at seeing Cazan after the final attack on her and that came back on top of the fear of losing two brothers.
I got home late. Zanny is already asleep and I don't want to risk waking her by joining her. Maybe I'll have a short nap on the couch and wake before she does to bring her breakfast. I worry she hasn't been eating properly again with how much progress she's made on some commissions.
743.06.22
K'dar has been awake for two days now and Tiberuth is no longer sedated. With Gail and Zory also doing a lot better, I don't need to spend as much time in Benden now. I told Cazan that and apologized for being an awful mate but she waved it all off, saying I'm a good brother and mate that cares for everyone.
We had a good talk about how we're both doing mentally from seeing them near death and overworking ourselves to cope. It will be nice to have K'dar back and taking over his Second duties again so I can fall back into the shadows and spend more time with my mate and kids.
743.07.05
I don't know why she seemed hesitant to bring up the idea with me. Her original pregnancy wasn't even a guarantee to be my doing but I was still excited and promised to raise them as my own. I guess it is a little weird to plan to have a child with another man but as long as Zanny actually wants another child, I'll support her and keep my word to love and raise this one as my own as well.