[G] [C] 732.03.01 | Setting Things Straight [Valerian]

Twelve days was an awful long time to intentionally avoid someone. Talian had gone just as long accidentally avoiding Valerian, but that was exactly that - an accident. Intentionally avoiding any chance of seeing the harper was a much more serious and much more difficult. The result? Talian didn't emerge from the healer hall, ever. He coaxed the other healers into bringing him food in exchange for taking their shifts. He worked his fingers to the bone and recatalogued every solitary piece of equipment and medicinal substance in the entire damn place, not to mention re-arranging his office once only to realize he hated the new look and immediately switching it back.

Tal didn't have any nightmares over the encounter. He didn't have any anger or bitterness. He knew what had happened was relatively normal and absolutely nothing like the assault he'd suffered at the hands of J'ver. The fact that flight-losers liked to grab for anything in arm's reach was pretty well-known, and he Weyr obviously didn't punish offenders with much more than a slap on the wrist. That didn't make Tal happy about it, but he had the strangest feeling whenever he throught about it for more than a few moments at a time.

It was normal. It was okay.

No, it was rape.

But it was normal. He hadn't said 'no'? Why hadn't he said no?

Why didn't he care?

Tal's confused mind couldn't come to a logical conclusion, and that was driving him mad. He'd been interested in Valerian before, but it had more to do with his emotional attachment to the man than anything else. After J'ver, wasting emotion on sex seemed like a waste of time. It should have just been a speedbump, the sort of thing that they both got over relatively quickly. Valerian seemed upset, though...and Talian just didn't know how or what to feel about it at all.
So he'd ignored it. If he thought about it too much, he became uncomfortable.

Twelve days later and he couldn't take it anymore. He thought about visiting Valerian early on in his shift, and as time wore on the notion consumed him more and more. He didn't want to lose a friend, or make Valerian suffer through guilt...and he desperately, desperately wanted to sort out his own feelings on the matter. The numbness was as consuming as grief, in it's own terrible way.

Talian entered the weyrling barracks with a heavy heart, his feet barely willing to move forward. He knocked nervously on Valerian's door, and he hoped.

Valerian didn’t want to answer the door.

Since Veeth started chasing, the young Harper discovered he didn’t want to be around people, just in case. The encounter with the bluerider losers after Krypth’s flight was one thing; they knew the deal, understood they were all left in an uncomfortable state of desire and rejection and wouldn’t really oppose anything they ended up in. But Valerian couldn’t forgive himself for what he did to Talian after the green flight.

Apparently Talian couldn’t forgive him either.

They had briefly talked afterwards, it was how Valerian started to piece together the change in his friend but given the way he didn’t see Talian around the weyr left him with a strong sense of avoidance. It could have been nothing more than Talian working himself too hard again; but didn’t that mean he could visit the Healer to make sure he was still eating and sleeping? But that required going out more than he needed to and interacting with a friend he had violated. It was better to risk being near other riders in the chance Veeth chased again and lost.

Sighing, Valerian pushed his chair away from the little desk. It wasn’t like he was doing much writing anyway with the way his mind wandered that evening and headed for the door. It was unlikely to be Erisi since he just let himself in and Jada was often in that habit as well. There was a chance it was Allendris since he still held onto his manners and respecting the need for space but since the bronze weyrling rarely stopped by unannounced, Valerian had a feeling it was important. So when he opened the door and saw Talian instead of the glass-smith, green eyes widened and an involuntary step backwards was the reaction the Healer received.

“Talian,” his friend’s name was delivered on a breathy whisper, too shocked to think of anything else to say. He wasn’t sure if he should invite Talian in either. It was common courtesy to do so since chatting in a doorway could be awkward and clearly set boundaries but Valerian didn’t think Talian would want to be left alone with him in a small room with a bed. Still, he offered just to have something else to say and wipe away the shock and even the bit of relief creeping in, “do you wanna come in?”

Talian bit back a nervous laugh as the door opened and he saw his friend recoil. Valerian, recoil from him? Valerian, the dragonrider? The thought drifted by and Talian immediately regretted it. He'd had strong words for Jada concerning how no rider was a peer to him. She was his enemy by proxy, as almost all dragonriders were. Even B'jin, to some small extend. It saddened Talian to face the first tangible evidence that Valerian would have to fall into that category as well. As if there wasn't already proof.

The healer looked at his feet and shuffled inside without a word.

"Val?" he asked, lacing his hands together in front of him and looking wide-eyed at the blue weyrling. This was so strange. A couple months before, he'd have traded a testicle for a chance to sleep with Val. Talian found himself angry at J'ver for the first time; angry not because of what he'd done, but because he spoiled what could have been so special. Talian just couldn't dig the emotion out of his confused subconscious now. It was like hearing a story one loved as a child, only to find out that it hadn't aged well. It was a dead feeling, composed of one-half boredom and one-half disappointment.

The wrongness still lingered in that indifference. He should have been either elated or horrified, but something was broken. Talian hated feeling broken.

"I...just wanted to come and talk, I guess." He chose not to sit down, or stand too close to Valerian. The healer just stood in the very center of the room, fingers twithing and eyes downcast. Usually he looked directly at people when he talked to them, but he couldn't bring himself to.

He was afraid Valerian would see what he felt. Could Valerian see J'ver in there, too? Looking back at him with mockery? I got to this first, he would probably say. This belongs to me.

yeah, that sounded like something J'ver would say. It was even J'ver's dragon that caused this whole sharding thing. Tal wouldn't have been surprised if J'ver somehow wound a way to ensure this outcome, too.

While Talian opted to stand in the centre of the room, Valerian went for leaning against the closed door before wondering if it would be seen as a sign of trapping his friend. He casually scooted down the wall a few feet to leave the path to freedom open but continued leaning against the wall, doing his best to look unaffected by life. That was his usual stance, honestly, though lately everything seemed slightly off-kilter and Valerian didn’t think he could get by every situation in the same manner anymore.

Like now, with Talian looking, well, like him. He seemed devoid of emotions and far too timid with that stance. Valerian hated it. Talian wasn’t as outgoing as Erisi and he did have his moments where he wanted to hide away but there was still life in his friend. He wasn’t the initial cause of this change, Valerian knew that, but he still felt like he deserved full credit all the same. Wasn’t it his poorly handled libido and untrained mind after a flight that left them avoiding each other and unsure of what to say? Talian was one of the few people he wanted in his life and earned the rare honour of being someone Valerian would fight for in any way.

“Tal,” the friendly nickname slipped out easily like it always did but Valerian didn’t know what else to say. Apologising never fixed anything though apparently the words often made people feel better. But Talian was too smart for such a gesture to work on. So he went with the usual route and let the other person talk, “talk to me, please. Everything that’s on your mind. You can still trust me.”

Talian wriggled a bit as he felt Val's eyes boring into him. He wanted to look up and meet Val's gaze as he usually did, to see the curiosity and the playfulness behind the indifference. He wanted to look at someone who he knew wouldn't judge him in return or expect anything from him, least of all change. But he couldn't.

He felt rooted to his spot, like he were some sort of a statue. A few seconds turned into a few hours in his mind, and Valerian's gentle words went almost unnoticed and unprocessed by the healer's whirling mind.

"Val," he said again. He paused, shuddered a little. Why couldn't he think of anything to say? Why had he come here if he didn't have anything to say? He felt like a fool, like the one time he'd answered a question incorrectly in his first sr. apprentice class. Sure, he'd been much too young and he was nervous in front of all the other students, but that was no excuse to misspeak! He could remember crying to his father about it later, but his father responded with a beating rather than kind words.

That's how things were, weren't they? You didn't go complaining about your problems. No one wanted to hear it.

Not usually, anyhow. Except for when it came to people like Val.

Talian swallowed hard. "I...don't really know, Val," he confessed in a quavering voice. "It's been...a lot of nothing."He sounded vaguely horrified at his own words. It had been a lot of nothing. He didn't want to talk - or think - about anything if he didn't have to.

“Then I guess it’s a good thing I’ve been thinking too much so we’re balanced out again, at least in that respect.” Valerian tried to smile and while his voice was soft and held no anger or accusation, he couldn’t quite manage to visibly show he was fine and could joke around. “So I suppose I’ll talk and you can chime in whenever you want, however you want.” This was going to be a trial for them both, he suspected. He was Harper-trained and therefore expected to handle delicate situations with the appropriate level of delicacy. He had never been good at that. Valerian liked to speak his mind without filtering the thoughts into something kinder. If you did something stupid, he’d call you on it. But being at Katila had seen him use his training in creative ways by tempering Erisi’s anger to convincing people to cheer up and keep pressing on to getting people to share memories with him. Talian was the brightest example of Valerian wanting to see someone succeed and be happy. So it was difficult now, despite having had heart-to-heart talks before, to express himself and get Talian to open up to him again.

“So, right to the point… I used you and without your permission.” Valerian wanted to reach out for Talian but didn’t think getting close to the man would be appreciated much less actually touching him. So he ran both hands through his hair before slowly sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. He drew his legs up so knees were touching his chest and arms wrapped around them to hold them in place so his chin could rest atop the knees. “It was horrible and wrong of me, both as a friend and a… a rider in general.” Even though he had Veeth brushing softly against his mind, concerned for both men inside the room he could no longer fit inside of, Valerian still found it odd to consider himself a dragonrider. He supposed it was partly due to it being a child’s fantasy with no hope of success but also because Talian and even Erisi hated the dragonriders and to be one meant that his friends would think less of him. Valerian usually didn’t care what people thought of him but those two had done a number on him and he valued their opinions as much as their companionship.

“I violated your body and trust which is bad enough but I worry about our friendship and,” all right, he was about to be selfish. Did he really want to be that during such a conversation and while he was so concerned about Talian? No, even he couldn’t be that heartless. It didn’t matter that he had figured out recently that the few times he had told Talian he liked the Healer wasn’t just as a friend and person but there was an attraction to him as well. He had ruined any chance of sleeping with his friend when he had taken without asking.

“And Veeth worries about us both. He blames his loss for what happened and thinks we’re both mad at him. He says he’s sorry especially to you, since you didn’t want it to happen and he’s aware of your hatred of dragons and he only made it worse. It’s why he won’t say it himself; he doesn’t want to intrude on your mind,” Veeth stayed silent where he curled under the room’s window and wouldn’t say anything even to Valerian. He was sulking and upset at the pain he had caused but tried to reassure Valerian that talking would help the humans all the same. Valerian gave a sad smile towards the window before dropping his gaze back to the floor before him.

Talian listened quietly to his friend's speech, like a criminal listening to the verdict in a courtroom. If Valerian was the one apologizing, why did Talian feel so bad? The little healer wilted at the words, closing his eyes tightly and trying his best to shut out the memories. He remembered the feeling of being wrestled down and held, as well as all that came after it...but it wasn't Valerian he saw. It was J'ver.

Maybe that was why Talian couldn't bring himself to think or feel about his encounter with Val. It was so very similar, and yet so different at the same time. Tal wanted to blame it on the dragons. In fact, Valerian's comments concerning Veeth were well-timed, for Talian was in the midst of reminding himself of how beastly they were. It was Veeth's fault, at least his emotions thought it was. But he was just doing what dragons did. How could Tal truly blame an animal for following it's instincts?

Who else could he blame, though? He couldn't blame Valerian. He couldn't bare to blame his friend, who'd taken such good care of him over the past turn. Valerian was probably his best friend, the person who was on his side and never judgmental. B'jin perhaps, but B'jin was different. There was a familial connection there, and also a good measure of historical guilt.

J'ver. It was J'ver's fault. It was his dragon that caused it all. It was his fault Tal didn't welcome the event, and his fault that Tal couldn't find any meaning in it now.

By the time he arrived at this conclusion, Talian had been sitting in awkward, damning silence for quite some time. Valerian had stopped talking how long ago? Too long. Was Talian trembling? He looked down at his hands. Ah, yes. He was trembling.

Talian's void simmered, and he could not contain it anymore. The damn shattered, and he suddenly collapsed on the floor. He buried his face in his hands and his body shuddered, but there were no tears. There was, however, a breathy and anguished voice that whispered but a few words, as if he intended for only the floor to hear.

"You're not the first one..."

Valerian let the silence go on, content to let it go until morning if need be. Talian liked to process and over-analyse things and the Harper wasn’t going to rush this conversation anymore than he already had by jumping right to the issue that weighed so heavily between them. He said nothing nor did he even move, thinking anything he did while Talian was lost to his thoughts might startle his friend and have him believe he was going to be attacked again. Valerian really didn’t think he was threatening in any way outside of a good lashing when something idiotic warranted it and perhaps he would have been amused if someone actually did find him scary or intimidating. But not now.

When Talian crumpled to the floor, Valerian finally made a move, consumed by an unfamiliar desire to comfort a friend by holding him close. He stopped himself, however, before he had done more than push off from the wall. His touch wouldn’t be welcomed and it’d be foolish to think it would be even in such an instance.

Unfortunately for Talian, Valerian had better hearing than he or the floor expected and he caught the whispered confession. His heart broke at the anguish heard as much as it did to have confirmation that one of his closest friends that had already been through so much now had to deal with being violated with at least once by a friend. “I know, Tal. I assumed, anyway, but I didn’t want to be right.” He was glad Talian told him but Valerian didn’t know what else to say. How did one handle this conversation? It was surprisingly easier to lay blame on himself than to figure out how to comfort his friend, especially when he still didn’t know if anything he said or did would help at all.

Valerian moved forward, only a few inches, scooting across the floor before stopping. He didn’t like being so uncertain! “Talian… I have this strange desire to hug you right now but I’m afraid to. I don’t want to scare you again.” At least the idea of the gesture he wanted to make was given voice?

Talian cringed a little bit, just as much in shame as in fear. He wanted that hug. He wanted it very badly. But all he could feel or see right then was that horrid, evil greenrider.

Instead of receiving what he wanted so badly, Talian refused to tear his eyes from the floorboards. He swallowed hard, his throat constricted, as if it was trying to stop him from speaking words that must not be spoken. How could he, though? Now Valerian knew his terrible secret, and shards! Valerian seemed to have pieced it together beforehand, suspecting perhaps because of Talian's odd behavior and strange reactions.

Tal should have been overwhelmed with joy to have a chance to sleep with Valerian without consequences. It could have been guilt-free fun, no one's fault. Now, he felt like they were both at fault.

After a moment of fighting, he found his words again. "The first time w-wasn't because of a flight, Val..." he whimpered. Val. He'd returned to the familiar term, not the full name. "I...I don't know what to do. He said if I ever told anyone, he'd do it again!" he sobbed. There were tears in his voice, but still none in his eyes.

He suddenly flung himself at Valerian, stumbling to his feet and throwing himself into the harper like a lump. "Val!" he whimpered. "I...I wish it could have been something special! You're my dearest friend, and I...and I..." And I what? And I what?

Talian couldn't find words, so finally he just erupted into the tears that he'd held back for far too long. He just wept shamelessly into his friend's shoulder.

Anger flared when Talian specified that it hadn’t been during a flight that he had been raped the first time. First it was at the unknown man for using his friend without permission but then at himself. Was Talian trying to rationalize what had happened because of a flight? With or without a dragon flying about or losing, it wasn’t an excuse. Valerian knew he wasn’t any better than the mystery asshole that violated Talian. He didn’t get the chance to try to explain that and perhaps make Talian yell and blame him since it would be an emotion finally on display since the Healer started talking again and moving.

As Talian tackled him, knocking him back so they were lying on the floor – well, he was on the floor anyway while he played cozy landing pad for Talian – all Valerian could think was how glad he was to be wearing a shirt. Tears on his bare shoulder didn’t sound too enjoyable right then. Did that make him a horrible friend for thinking that above all else? Probably but he was already in the negatives anyway so a few more points deducted from his once-amazing score didn’t matter. Once that materialistic thought had passed, however, Valerian slowly wrapped his arms around Talian for that hug he had wanted to give. He wasn’t a hugger and didn’t know if he was any good at it but it was the least he could do. He wasn’t about to make empty promises about how everything would be okay. Valerian had no idea that it would be so why even pretend like it might?

“You still told B’jin, right?” Valerian hated to think Talian had been suffering alone for who knew how long but couldn’t believe his friend would keep such a secret from the greenrider viewed as a father. B’jin wouldn’t have much power to wield for revenge or justice but he could help Talian in some way, Valerian was certain. “And you can tell me. How will this guy know what goes on in my room? Let me help you by at least listening and letting you cry without any shame in the act.” The Healer was so sensitive and often seemed to do his best to hide his emotions and be strong for everyone, especially after his night of stupidity with nearly ending his life. Valerian wasn’t one for crying and had no idea how to handle the tears he already had wetting his shirt but he wasn’t about to judge Talian for letting it all out now. Even if he wasn’t a part of the problem, he’d still want to help his friend.

“Say his name, Tal. I won’t do anything to harm you further by knowing but it’ll help. Don’t let him hold such power over you by keeping you living in fear.” Valerian continued his efforts to soothe his friend, one hand lightly stroking down Talian’s back. He had seen women do that with crying babies at some of the Holds he travelled to so surely it brought some level of comfort, right? “You still have me as a friend, you know. I won’t leave you, even when you finally, and rightfully, blame me.”

The name? Valerian wanted the name? Talian cringed at the thought. He'd already told one person, and that was enough!  Had this horrible business with Rilaleeyth's flight not come up, he'd have been content to take the whole thing to his grave, with the obvious exception of B'jin. The healer just shook his head swiftly, not bothering to remove his face from where it currently lay against Valerian's shoulder. "No, on. I don't want to." And that was the only explanation he was offering. It came in a hushed voice, almost steady but still shaking just a light bit as he swallowed his tears and stubbornly refused them any further passage.

He appreciated the hug. He clutched to Val for another minute or two, enjoying the warm and safety he felt, though his crying stopped as abruptly as it had started. He'd cried about it enough already.

Once calm, Talian slowly sat up. He pushed himself onto his knees and looking down at his friend, eyes widening and he lingered for a moment. Was this what he looked like to J'ver and Valerian during their respective attacks? A nervous look appeared on the healer's face and he slid to one side, carefully untangling himself and sitting cross-legged on the floor.

"It happened a while ago, back before the new turn began," he whispered. He closed his eyes. He didn't want Val reading his expressions, and he knew how very easy it was. "I told B'jin right afterwards, and well..I know some other people have suspected that something happened.." He continued very meekly. He paused to compose himself. "I...just don't know, Val. I'm okay now, I think...I mean, it's just another thing these people have done to me..." His lip twitched in disgust.

"I just feel like...well, I'm not really bothered by what happened between you and me at all. Not really. And I...almost feel like I should be." He was hoping Val wouldn't take that the wrong way.  People were supposed to get upset after encounters like that, but Tal just couldn't. "It's..hard for me to feel anything about it at all," he confessed. "I feel like it means something is wrong with me." He bit his lip hard. "...I've always known what was wrong with me. I've always been able to self-diagnose..but this is...it's..."

Valerian sat up slowly when Talian crawled off of him and scooted away. He really didn’t know what else to do. Had anything he said or done helped at all? Probably not and he wasn’t surprised by that. He was a part of the problem and had to stop thinking he could solve this so easily. This wasn’t a student that couldn’t remember a song or hold a guitar properly. Was there a way to help a friend through being raped and once by you?

With a sigh, Valerian tucked his legs under himself to sit cross-legged as well. He made no movement to go to Talian again, instead running fingers through his hair or wiping his hands over his face, as if it might wake him from the nightmare he had been stumbling through for twelve days. It didn’t work, of course, and Valerian finally went for the teacher’s approach of correcting improper grammar in a sentence. “No, Talian. It’s not ‘these people’ but ‘you people’. I’m one of them now and we both need to stop pretending otherwise. I have Veeth but I’ve also… I… I used you for my own selfish needs just like so many of the inhabitants here base their days around.”

He wasn’t sure what else to say since he didn’t have any experience with this subject and couldn’t recall ever reading up on it but went with just talking and hoping something made sense. “Even under normal circumstances you probably wouldn’t be left feeling anything. I’m not that experienced and I’m likely horrible in bed,” Valerian surprised even himself as he tried to make fun of his sexual skills and let Talian know there wasn’t anything wrong with how he was feeling but it didn’t sound right as soon as the words left his mouth and not just because his ego hated the trash-talking. “Sorry. There’s nothing wrong with you, Talian. I do wish you’d be mad at me though. I’m mad at me, Tal.” He said he wouldn’t leave Talian but Valerian suspected he was now trying to make Talian leave him. It was probably better if they fought and avoided each other some more, right?

No, no it wouldn’t be but still Valerian continued with the urge to babble on about everything, mentally blaming B’jin as he did because surely the greenrider’s love of hearing himself was rubbing off on him, “At the time, I didn’t care if you wanted me or not and I think at one point I even tried to rationalise that it was okay because it was you. It wasn’t of course, but why did I do that?” Since he was on a roll and Talian wasn’t sure how to feel or didn’t want to talk too much, Valerian continued, confessing emotions he had only noticed recently, “because not too long ago I was fitting more pieces of another puzzle together, one about us. I’m attracted to you, Tal, and when Veeth was older I wanted to go stargazing again and maybe see if you… well, I ruined all of that, didn’t I?” While he did still hope he would remain friends with Talian, Valerian wasn’t going to hang onto any hopes of sleeping with his friend again. They would likely both remember what he did any time they touched and Talian didn’t deserve anymore pain.

Suppressing the laugh that was welling up at his stupidity and random leaps in conversation tracks, Valerian instead laid back down on the floor. He had stared at his ceiling enough already to know every crack and imperfection and now green eyes sought them all out, as if reassuring himself that there was still at least one thing that hadn’t changed.

Talian listened quietly as his friend spoke. Valerian was always so quiet and indifferent. If he even had true opinions on a given matter, or had anything resembling strong feelings for someone else, he never seemed to show it. He'd even been relatively unruffled by the suicide, though a few of Val's casually spoken lines made Tal wonder if it was all just an act. Valerian must have had emotion in him, or his songs wouldn't be so very lovely.

The healer hung his head. "You're right. You are one of them," he said, sounding wholly defeated. "I've been trying to tell myself for a long time that you and Eri would never change, but I was wrong. I...I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to feel it." He paused, as he frequently did during his little rants.  "It sucked, seeing you two move on into weyrling lessons while I was stuck in an infirmary bed. I didn't want a dragon, but I almost thought it would be worth it just if it meant you two wouldn't forget about me."

He laughed pathetically. "You know, I've been deemed unsuitable. It wouldn't matter if I wanted one now. But now I realize how bad it really is to be trapped here for the rest of my life and not have a dragon. At least then, I wouldn't be at the sharding bottom. I'm sure it will happen again, Val...I'm sure of it. And I can't even sharding lock myself in my office to escape it." It took a lot of scrubbing to get J'ver out of his floors.

He shook his head. He didn't feel better, though he desperately wished he did. He didn't feel better about any of it. He rubbed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. Val's comment about the stargazing expedition seemed to soften his mood, if only a little. "Oh, Val..." he said, looking sadly at his friend, eyes wide and pleading. "I wanted to the first time..."

He hadn’t changed, he hadn’t! Valerian wanted to scream that, but there wasn’t a point. He had a dragon snuggled up in his head and he raped a good friend, weren’t they both good examples of changing? He was still Valerian though. Junior Journeyman Harper. New resident of Katila. He didn’t even think of himself as one of the blueriders until two minutes ago when he made them both wake up to that fact. It was odd how he could accept so much in the past turn, or life in general, but the one thing that bothered him the most was losing his identity. He always wanted to be himself, needed it in truth. He didn’t want to be just another bluerider. “I’m still me,” he barely managed to whisper the words to the ceiling his eyes still refused to look away from. There was the crack with three veins stretching from it, and there was the one that zigged and zagged four times…

He forced himself to look at his friend and wished he hadn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried but suspected it was when he was a child and scraped his knee. But now saw Valerian with eyes watering and threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry, Talian, I truly am. It won’t undo what I did and… and,” it wouldn’t change who he now was? Wouldn’t let them have easy quiet moments together anymore? Wouldn’t give them a chance to have consensual sex? All of the above and more, Valerian knew but didn’t want to give voice to anything else.

Talian didn't know what to do. He looked wide-eyed at Valerian as the stoic harper slowly succumbed to his tears. It broken Talian's heart, seeing his good friend cry like that over him, over something they both knew couldn't have really been avoided. Tal frowned and slowly crept towards the harper, his own glistening eyes wide in sympathy.

"Those things change people," Tal said, frowning horribly as he spoke. He'd seen more than enough evidence to that effect. Dragons changed people, and usually for the worst. He didn't think they'd ruined Val, but neither of them could deny what had now happened because of them.

Tal closed in on Val again, gently wrapping his arms around the man. Talian didn't fear Val. He was logical enough to understand that riders became different creatures during flight, but moreso it was the numbness. He still thought he should care, but he didn't. So he gave Val an awkward but well-intended hug, trying his hardness not to start bawling again himself.

"I forgive you, Val..it...it wasn't your fault anyhow, it's just...how things are h-here..." he stammered. The only part he was sure about was the very first.

They might change people but he was still Valerian and more than just a dragonrider. In fact, Valerian suspected he was more educated and properly trained than ten riders combined. He was something more… but not necessarily better. He sniffled once, willing the tears away as Talian hugged him once more, though it was hard given how his friend’s kindness seemed to urge Valerian closer to crying than away. Maybe he was also broken if sweet words sent him to tears. “It won’t happen again,” he promised quietly but with the determination coated on each word, “not by me and especially not to you by me. I’d make sure you were always safe from their… our dirty hands but then you’d be stuck with me day and night. Most would say you were being punished for that.”

After a pause that was just long enough for Valerian to argue with himself, he went ahead and addressed the matter of forgiveness, “thank you for forgiving me, though I don’t think I deserve it and it doesn’t solve anything. I know you mean it though and that helps me a bit.” He wanted to help Talian though, but again, he had no idea how to deal with this situation. “I want to help you feel something again but I don’t know how. For now, I’ll hope you find someone better and smarter that does make you feel something again.” He wrapped his hands gently around his friend, careful not to spook Talian and give him any need of fear. Valerian wanted to be that better and smarter person but he wasn’t delusional enough to believe he could be so he didn’t even joke about practising in bed together until Talian enjoyed himself once more. He had clearly been spending too much time with Erisi if his mind kept wandering to sex and making light of a serious situation.

Talian looked sadly back at Valerian and swallowed hard. "...It was J'ver," he finally confessed out of nowhere. It was J'ver, the very man whose dragon's flight had led to this entire thing. It was funny, in a way, but also horrible beyond measure. Tal wondered if he'd ever be able to wash that man out of his brain at this rate.

The healer went limp and peeled himself away. He sat unceremoniously on the corner of Valerian's bed and crossed one leg over the other, letting his twitching hands curl up in his lap. "He was angry with me for reporting him to the Weyrleader. He was blackmailing B'jin into spying for me...and I overheard one night when I went to check on B'jin." He spoke slowly and softly, revealing more than he ever expected to reveal to anyone again. It almost felt better to have it off his chest, but he wasn't quite sure if it really helped or if he just wanted it to.

The healer rubbed his eyes. "It's not a big deal, though. I mean, I'm fine." He wasn't fine, but he was alive. He'd been alive. Nothing they could do to him would be able to destroy him at this rate, but he knew a callous when he felt it. Their cruelties made him stronger, but he would never forgive them.

Maybe that's why he was so determined not to blame Valerian. He couldn't forgive the dragonriders, ever...but he wanted his friend to forever be an exception, just like B'jin was.

It wasn’t lost on Valerian that the flight he had entered which resulted in his attack on Talian was J’ver’s. He cringed at how it all fit so neatly together. Was this really how life in a weyr worked? The books he read certainly left a lot out, that was for certain. He sat there silently for a bit, contemplating his hate for the greenrider and comparing himself to J’ver. Punishment was needed but Talian was right to believe that nothing would be done, and not just because he was only a Healer and not a rider. Valerian suspected D’ren liked to pretend a lot of the nastier aspects of life didn’t exist and wouldn’t believe them or perhaps S’kef still held sway. Even if J’ver was punished, S’kef and his little minion would make their lives miserable and painful. What about revenge? Valerian knew if he was more like D’hys and Z’ia then he would use Rilaleeyth’s next flight to win and show J’ver what it was like to be in Talian’s place. But he wasn’t like that and just the thought turned his stomach.

“It is a big deal, and I know you’re fine on some level, you always seem to be, but just like me, you’ll be a bit different now because of it.” Valerian inched his way closer to Talian but still kept a nice distance between them. It didn’t help that his friend was now sitting on the bed, something the Harper was sure would become uncomfortable if he joined Talian on it. “And I’d do the same thing, you know. If one of you guys were being used like that, I’d step up like you did to help them, even knowing the consequences. Definitely not saying what J’ver did to you was right or understandable, but knowing I helped someone would make it easier to deal with, I guess.” He was terrible at this comforting thing. No wonder he stuck with pointing out flaws and bluntly stating the truth without a care. Caring was hard.

"It's only a big deal to us, then," Talian said. His old bitterness remained absent from his voice; rather than an accusation, his words were spoken as a pitiful, unfortunate fact. No one cared about the fate of a nonrider in this place. They cared only for how their prisoners could benefit them. That is, until they Impressed dragons and were made into a rider themselves. It was a vicious system, but Talian had grown weary of fighting it, instead retreating back to the state of resignation and servile acceptance that he'd twice exhibited, once upon arrival and always back at home.

"I dunno, Val. I guess I'm just used to things being fucked up." With that, Talian didn't want to talk about it anymore. He shuddered, then looked at his friend and managed a soft but weary smile. "Thanks for talking to me, though. I didn't want you to think I hated you or anything...it...I was telling the truth when I said I don't think it's a big deal. You couldn't help it." He was obviously still hurt by the whole thing, but that inexplicable numbness crept into his voice even as he spoke about it, like it was some sort of natural, unconscious antiseptic designed to calm him and ease his pain preemptively, before he had a chance to get too riled.

It wasn't worth his effort to get upset about abuse anymore. It was all the same, they were all the same, and Valerian would probably wind up the same one day, too. Talian hoped not, but he'd learned to hope against hope. Even such fears wouldn't run him away, though. As he'd demonstrated in his bonds with B'jin and Erisi, Talian seemed to gravitate towards those who hurt him the most.

The healer rose to his feet and hugged himself self-consciously. "I...I have to go back," he said, painfully aware of the time. Talian had a personal rule since his encounter with J'ver; he never went outside after dark, for any reason. Hhe had a lot of early dinners because of that. "Thanks for talking to me...I..I hope we'll see each other soon."

He stared at the floor for a few awkward moments before shuffling out, lightly closing the door behind him.