06.Oct.19, 12:14 AM
“Yeah,” F’drel admitted, voice cracking a little. “At least partially.” Just because someone acted nice didn’t mean they were or that their main goal in getting to know someone was solely for their own benefit and possibly to the other person’s detriment. Some of that way of thinking was just because F’drel generally assumed people, especially of a higher rank, cared only about what people could provide them. And some was definitely due directly to Rinderian.
There was a long moment of silence as F’drel tried to gather his thoughts again, trying to press even closer to R’dal. It was hard to say these things out loud, but he wanted to tell R’dal, wanted his friend to understand why he was… well, the way he was. Paranoid and pretty fucked up.
“He... he just kept giving me attention, and it was a little strange but I didn’t mind that much, at first, and since I was now working mostly for him I spent a lot of time with him, and not nearly as much time with my siblings, which made me even a little more distant from them, but I thought maybe it would ultimately be better for them too, because maybe I could influence things so they could get better positions in the household too, eventually. Or something like that, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Point is I tried my best to impress him, you know? Do my job really well so maybe... maybe something, It’s not important, I guess. Didn’t ever matter, because that wasn’t what he cared about, not really. Me being good at cleaning and making beds and shit was a bonus, but not the point.” He took a sharp breath, not sure how to say the next part. With someone else F’drel would try to say as little as possible and let the person read between the lines and figure out what he meant, but he wasn’t sure R’dal would pick up on the unsaid parts.
“He - I - he… after a while of that, he just… he kissed me, one day, and I-I let him, because I didn’t, I didn’t know what else to do? And after that he kept doing it, and I kept letting him, and I… My mother, she was pretty, beautiful, even, and because she was a drudge, men thought they could do whatever they wanted with her. To her, no matter what she wanted. And she always let it happen, because once when she’d told a man no, a visiting Lord, he’d accused her of stealing from him, and she’d gotten in trouble, a lot of trouble, and after that, especially once she had us, she was afraid if she got in trouble it would hurt us, so she never did, never tried to stop them. It was like that for a lot of the female drudges, they were just expected to... as if it was part of being a drudge. Or I guess it is part of being a drudge, even if it wasn’t an official role. An additional, unspoken job you had. So I thought… if I said anything, I’d get in trouble, I’d get my siblings in trouble. Holds don’t like two men being together at all, and if I brought it to someone I’d be… He wouldn’t get in any trouble, not really, but I would. For trying to corrupt him, or something. As if he wasn’t the one who… And I didn’t really mind, at first, I guess. Like, I wasn’t into him, really, but he treated me like I was special, and I was lonely and I wanted to… I don’t know. I don’t know.”
F’drel paused again, momentarily burying his face into R’dal’s shoulder. He hated talking about this, he was so stupid then, maybe if he’d been smarter he could have avoided the worst of it. That thought just made him angry again, because ultimately, what the fuck could he even have done? He was fourteen and had no power, he could have done nothing, it was all on Rinderian, all on lords and their stupid, entitled superiority and belief they could do whatever they wanted to anyone less important then them because other people didn’t matter. Fuck them.
“He got less nice over time. Didn’t have to entice my closer anymore, I was already there and couldn’t leave. He didn’t have to bother with being kind. Sometimes he’d remind me what he might do if I tried to deny him. ‘Your sister, Ferra, right? She’s gotten rather pretty, hasn’t she. Almost as pretty as you are, Fendrel. If you keep being so sullen, maybe I’ll move on, start paying attention to her. But you like me too much to let that happen, don’t you?’” F’drel said, twisting his voice into a mockery of Rinderian’s, repeating one of the various ways the Lord tried to ‘convince’ him to keep being his favorite toy. “She was twelve when he said that,” he spat, grip tightening on R’dal’s hand again. “Bastard. I hated him by then, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t let him hurt my family, so I just… tolerated it. For turns. Until I was Searched.” There was… well, there was more he could say, but F’drel was shaking again and his throat was dry and if R’dal had more to ask, he’d answer, give more detail, but he’d given the outline, the summary. He’d answered R’dal’s question, and F’drel hoped it helped. Helped R’dal understand why he was so afraid of people, so afraid for his siblings, some of why he felt he couldn’t share how he felt. F’drel pressed his face back into R’dal’s shoulder, not ready to look at his face but wanting the comfort from his friend.
There was a long moment of silence as F’drel tried to gather his thoughts again, trying to press even closer to R’dal. It was hard to say these things out loud, but he wanted to tell R’dal, wanted his friend to understand why he was… well, the way he was. Paranoid and pretty fucked up.
“He... he just kept giving me attention, and it was a little strange but I didn’t mind that much, at first, and since I was now working mostly for him I spent a lot of time with him, and not nearly as much time with my siblings, which made me even a little more distant from them, but I thought maybe it would ultimately be better for them too, because maybe I could influence things so they could get better positions in the household too, eventually. Or something like that, I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Point is I tried my best to impress him, you know? Do my job really well so maybe... maybe something, It’s not important, I guess. Didn’t ever matter, because that wasn’t what he cared about, not really. Me being good at cleaning and making beds and shit was a bonus, but not the point.” He took a sharp breath, not sure how to say the next part. With someone else F’drel would try to say as little as possible and let the person read between the lines and figure out what he meant, but he wasn’t sure R’dal would pick up on the unsaid parts.
“He - I - he… after a while of that, he just… he kissed me, one day, and I-I let him, because I didn’t, I didn’t know what else to do? And after that he kept doing it, and I kept letting him, and I… My mother, she was pretty, beautiful, even, and because she was a drudge, men thought they could do whatever they wanted with her. To her, no matter what she wanted. And she always let it happen, because once when she’d told a man no, a visiting Lord, he’d accused her of stealing from him, and she’d gotten in trouble, a lot of trouble, and after that, especially once she had us, she was afraid if she got in trouble it would hurt us, so she never did, never tried to stop them. It was like that for a lot of the female drudges, they were just expected to... as if it was part of being a drudge. Or I guess it is part of being a drudge, even if it wasn’t an official role. An additional, unspoken job you had. So I thought… if I said anything, I’d get in trouble, I’d get my siblings in trouble. Holds don’t like two men being together at all, and if I brought it to someone I’d be… He wouldn’t get in any trouble, not really, but I would. For trying to corrupt him, or something. As if he wasn’t the one who… And I didn’t really mind, at first, I guess. Like, I wasn’t into him, really, but he treated me like I was special, and I was lonely and I wanted to… I don’t know. I don’t know.”
F’drel paused again, momentarily burying his face into R’dal’s shoulder. He hated talking about this, he was so stupid then, maybe if he’d been smarter he could have avoided the worst of it. That thought just made him angry again, because ultimately, what the fuck could he even have done? He was fourteen and had no power, he could have done nothing, it was all on Rinderian, all on lords and their stupid, entitled superiority and belief they could do whatever they wanted to anyone less important then them because other people didn’t matter. Fuck them.
“He got less nice over time. Didn’t have to entice my closer anymore, I was already there and couldn’t leave. He didn’t have to bother with being kind. Sometimes he’d remind me what he might do if I tried to deny him. ‘Your sister, Ferra, right? She’s gotten rather pretty, hasn’t she. Almost as pretty as you are, Fendrel. If you keep being so sullen, maybe I’ll move on, start paying attention to her. But you like me too much to let that happen, don’t you?’” F’drel said, twisting his voice into a mockery of Rinderian’s, repeating one of the various ways the Lord tried to ‘convince’ him to keep being his favorite toy. “She was twelve when he said that,” he spat, grip tightening on R’dal’s hand again. “Bastard. I hated him by then, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t let him hurt my family, so I just… tolerated it. For turns. Until I was Searched.” There was… well, there was more he could say, but F’drel was shaking again and his throat was dry and if R’dal had more to ask, he’d answer, give more detail, but he’d given the outline, the summary. He’d answered R’dal’s question, and F’drel hoped it helped. Helped R’dal understand why he was so afraid of people, so afraid for his siblings, some of why he felt he couldn’t share how he felt. F’drel pressed his face back into R’dal’s shoulder, not ready to look at his face but wanting the comfort from his friend.