02.Oct.19, 01:51 AM
It felt like R’dal had kicked him in the chest. Considering F’drel already couldn’t breathe it very much did not help in any way. He never thought about it before, but all the times he raised his voice recently had been with R’dal. But it wasn’t because he didn’t like R’dal, or R’dal made him mad! Far from it. F’drel raised his voice with R’dal because R’dal was one of the only people he felt he could be that open around, who wouldn’t hurt him just for having emotions or speaking his mind. Though maybe he had been wrong about that.
F’drel wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. The fear had lodged itself in his throat and he couldn’t get any words out, just ragged gasps as he tried to breathe. He didn’t want to hurt R’dal, far from it, if anything he wanted to help make sure R’dal didn’t get hurt. It was just that F’drel say almost everything as dangerous and capable of causing hurt. And just because R’dal couldn’t see the danger didn’t mean it wasn’t there. F’drel may be paranoid but he was also right.
Still, it wasn’t R’dal’s fault he didn’t get it, F’drel must not be explaining anything right. It was F’drel who was accidentally pushing his friend away because he couldn’t talk about things or his feelings. F’drel wanted to apologize, try explaining better, hug R’dal and cry into his shoulder and hope he’d understand what F’drel wanted to say. But R’dal was walking away, leaving, after handing over a gift he obviously put thought into and F’drel couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t reach out to R’dal and ask him to wait. Should he, even? He seemed to be hurting R’dal when he spoke these days, which was the opposite of what he wanted. What had ever given him the idea he could have friends? Clearly he wasn’t meant to, he kept fighting with R’dal, Mylorah...maybe it would be best for R’dal to just let him leave. Not that F’drel could stop him right then anyway, not with the way he was hyperventilating, incapable of speaking, the lack of air making him feel weak and lightheaded. He couldn’t even say a word to ask his friend to wait, just shake as he watched R’dal leave. Maybe this really way better, F’drel thought, the shaking and dizziness getting so bad he thought he would collapse, letting himself slowly sit down instead. He didn’t stop R’dal.
Halomirth thought that idea was nonsense. She wouldn’t stand for this, neither her rider nor Edath’s would be better off if they weren’t friends. They wouldn’t! It was ridiculous, and as R’dal moved to leave the weyr Halomirth moved to block his path, placing herself in front of the door to her ledge so R’dal couldn’t get past her to Edath, who she would sit on if he got it in his blue head to leave.
No, she said stubbornly, speaking directly to R’dal (though she let Edath hear her too). She excluded F’drel, though she didn’t think he’d have processed anything she said just then even if she’d spoken to him too. He didn’t need to hear her just then, he needed her words to get results. You’re leaving because you’re upset and then he won’t ever try to visit you because he’ll think you don’t want anything to do with him anymore and it will hurt him so much but he’ll stay away because he’ll think it’s what you want so he won’t say anything, ever. Because you’re his friend and he wants you to be happy and he thinks he’s keeping you from being happy. Halomirth paused briefly after something of an onslaught of words from a dragon, even one as chatty as Halomirth, before continuing on just as determinedly.
If you really want to leave and never see him again, I guess I’ll let you and Edath go. She looked at R’dal, eyes whirling sadly, trying to stamp down her own fear due to her rider’s emotional state, just for a minute so she could clear things up because R’dal was his friend. It was like that time with the boat all over again. Her rider had gotten mad and sad and scared and then he couldn’t breathe, and she couldn’t physically reach him this time to help him, but last time he and R’dal had talked and things had worked out and they had been okay again and if she could convince R’dal to stay than he could go inside the weyr with F’drel and help him feel better and they could talk and be okay again like the last time. But that couldn’t happen if R’dal left.
Please, Halomirth said, desperation creeping into her voice, He’s been better since you became friends, I don’t want him to lose you. She gave R’dal a miserable look and whined softly. F’drel always tried to hide the bad things from her, but he couldn’t, not completely, anyway. He could mute them somewhat, but it was still there and Halomirth knew it. Being friends with R’dal had made some of the bad things quieter. That was part of the reason she wanted F’drel to make even more friends, because clearly they helped. Halomirth wanted to help him, but she could only do so much.
She needed R’dal to stay with him.
F’drel wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. The fear had lodged itself in his throat and he couldn’t get any words out, just ragged gasps as he tried to breathe. He didn’t want to hurt R’dal, far from it, if anything he wanted to help make sure R’dal didn’t get hurt. It was just that F’drel say almost everything as dangerous and capable of causing hurt. And just because R’dal couldn’t see the danger didn’t mean it wasn’t there. F’drel may be paranoid but he was also right.
Still, it wasn’t R’dal’s fault he didn’t get it, F’drel must not be explaining anything right. It was F’drel who was accidentally pushing his friend away because he couldn’t talk about things or his feelings. F’drel wanted to apologize, try explaining better, hug R’dal and cry into his shoulder and hope he’d understand what F’drel wanted to say. But R’dal was walking away, leaving, after handing over a gift he obviously put thought into and F’drel couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t reach out to R’dal and ask him to wait. Should he, even? He seemed to be hurting R’dal when he spoke these days, which was the opposite of what he wanted. What had ever given him the idea he could have friends? Clearly he wasn’t meant to, he kept fighting with R’dal, Mylorah...maybe it would be best for R’dal to just let him leave. Not that F’drel could stop him right then anyway, not with the way he was hyperventilating, incapable of speaking, the lack of air making him feel weak and lightheaded. He couldn’t even say a word to ask his friend to wait, just shake as he watched R’dal leave. Maybe this really way better, F’drel thought, the shaking and dizziness getting so bad he thought he would collapse, letting himself slowly sit down instead. He didn’t stop R’dal.
Halomirth thought that idea was nonsense. She wouldn’t stand for this, neither her rider nor Edath’s would be better off if they weren’t friends. They wouldn’t! It was ridiculous, and as R’dal moved to leave the weyr Halomirth moved to block his path, placing herself in front of the door to her ledge so R’dal couldn’t get past her to Edath, who she would sit on if he got it in his blue head to leave.
No, she said stubbornly, speaking directly to R’dal (though she let Edath hear her too). She excluded F’drel, though she didn’t think he’d have processed anything she said just then even if she’d spoken to him too. He didn’t need to hear her just then, he needed her words to get results. You’re leaving because you’re upset and then he won’t ever try to visit you because he’ll think you don’t want anything to do with him anymore and it will hurt him so much but he’ll stay away because he’ll think it’s what you want so he won’t say anything, ever. Because you’re his friend and he wants you to be happy and he thinks he’s keeping you from being happy. Halomirth paused briefly after something of an onslaught of words from a dragon, even one as chatty as Halomirth, before continuing on just as determinedly.
If you really want to leave and never see him again, I guess I’ll let you and Edath go. She looked at R’dal, eyes whirling sadly, trying to stamp down her own fear due to her rider’s emotional state, just for a minute so she could clear things up because R’dal was his friend. It was like that time with the boat all over again. Her rider had gotten mad and sad and scared and then he couldn’t breathe, and she couldn’t physically reach him this time to help him, but last time he and R’dal had talked and things had worked out and they had been okay again and if she could convince R’dal to stay than he could go inside the weyr with F’drel and help him feel better and they could talk and be okay again like the last time. But that couldn’t happen if R’dal left.
Please, Halomirth said, desperation creeping into her voice, He’s been better since you became friends, I don’t want him to lose you. She gave R’dal a miserable look and whined softly. F’drel always tried to hide the bad things from her, but he couldn’t, not completely, anyway. He could mute them somewhat, but it was still there and Halomirth knew it. Being friends with R’dal had made some of the bad things quieter. That was part of the reason she wanted F’drel to make even more friends, because clearly they helped. Halomirth wanted to help him, but she could only do so much.
She needed R’dal to stay with him.