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[D] Musings to run by - Printable Version

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Musings to run by - A'ryn - 18.Feb.20

740.11.16

WOW. Meeting a dragon and rider! The rider was somehow smaller than I thought them to be...I guess I expected them to be...bulkier? I don't know...He was quite a bit taller than me though. I'm used to being at eye level with everyone, it's nice to be shorter for a change. He was so sweet, too! I honestly don't know what I expected a dragon rider to be, but he wasn't it...in a good way, though. I like his easy laugh and open smile. He was kind. Though how had he not been familiar with Runners? At any rate, he was totally chill with me practicing a craft, unlike some of the staunch, hide-bound men who insist the traces are to be run only by those who can't birth children. Well...I guess I'm partially included in that...my boy...No, no. Not the time, girl. Don't let those depressing thoughts cloud your mind and eyes with tears. Can't run when you're crying. Back to happier things, now. EDATH! My, what an incredible being! And I got to RIDE him! That really is something to cherish and treasure forever. I got to ride a dragon. How phenomenal is that?! I can't wait to tell Alekse and Meri!



741.01.10

I WENT TO A HATCHING! I honestly never thought that meeting with R'dal and Edath was more than a chance encounter...that is most definitely not the case, and I couldn't be happier for it! We have kept in touch, Rudi has gotten much better about message carrying, though I still need to invest in a small pouch for him for risk of a tied message coming loose and falling on the way.

The Hatching was absolutely incredible! To see those pudgy, beautiful little creatures find their life partners...it really is a sight to witness. It was even more chaotic than the last one I attended...there was an earthquake, for Faranth's sake! And shards, the hatchlings' claws are sharp! Those poor people that got hurt! And Quinvalis? I hope he will be okay. I hope more than anything. R'dal was so completely devastated at him getting hurt...he's alive though, and that's all that can really be asked for right now. He's alive and will heal. And to have three hatchlings disappear between! It brings tears to my eyes to think of such horribleness. Those poor babies who never had a life to live, cut short moments into life. Somehow though, I still think it would be worth it...risk the injury and the pain and the heartbreak for the chance to bond with one of those amazing beasts for life. Now, Rudi, I love you too, you undersized wherry of a firelizard! Let up now, and fly ahead to check for obstacles or other runners. But oh, a DRAGON...I must go back up to the Weyr soon, check on R'dal and Quinvalis and say hello to R'dare and F'drel again. Soon.


RE: Musings to run by - A'ryn - 25.Apr.20

741.02.15

My sister sent word that I was requested at her hold. It’s an odd feeling…being a runner and receiving a message by runner…She’s apparently heavily pregnant and would like a familiar face in her final months of pregnancy. It makes sense…she’s newly married, with child almost immediately, and she hasn’t had much time to get very close to any of the women in her husband’s hold. Someone she knows will be a comfort to her during the uneasy times to come. Meri is still learning hold management so she can’t go, and she and Carilyn were never very close. My father says I am more easily pulled from my duties, anyway. He says there are other young runners who would benefit from taking on my usual routes. Hmph. Well…I can still run short legs in the area around Cairlyn’s new place. I haven’t been over there often, and it would be nice to be more familiar with those traces. I suppose it could be an interesting opportunity.



741.03.06

Well today could have been better. The days since I got to Carilyn’s hold have been strained at best. I am so tired of answering the same questions and getting the same looks. How hard is it to understand that I want to put my Craft first?! I am a good Runner and I like running! Running is more important to me than ‘starting a family’. That already kind-of happened anyway, and didn’t end well…of course I can’t tell them that. I can’t even tell Cairlyn. It’s bittersweet…watching her approach motherhood. I didn’t get that far…I wonder if my shape would have mimicked hers…she carries her child forward. Her legs are so long that ‘forward’ is the only place for the baby to go. When seen from the back it’s hard to tell she’s even pregnant, but from the side, she could be smuggling a small dragon egg. I’m not even sure I would want the life of a parent…but I do wonder how different things would have been…




741.03.24

HOW DARE HE?! I knew from the moment I met him at the wedding I would never like him. Carilyn got the good one of the three brothers. And that oldest one was to be in charge someday?! He was just awful! I keep replaying those hurtful words…how could he say that?! How could he say that the only thing women are good for—that I am good for—is birthing babies?! Rudi, you stop that hissing…don’t you dare fly at him again. I know he upset us, but shredding him with your talons will only make things worse…as nice as that would be to see…then to proposition me…improper, pompous, brash…gr…And to get shuffled off with the other women, who don’t know anything other than how to prattle on about babies and which of the men were the most handsome. I will be so happy to return home.




741.04.07

Thank Faranth the baby finally arrived. A screaming, flailing baby boy. My heart aches when I see him…my own would have been nearly three by now. I’m saddened by that tiny life that was lost but somehow I don’t long for what I missed out on…I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother. But after all of the talk on how ‘a woman’s place is in the hold’ I feel like I don’t belong to a craft, either. I know I’m good at it, and I really am excited to start REALLY running again. Another two weeks and I’ll be back at station 298. I’ll be back on the traces. I’ll be back running. I’ll be home…


RE: Musings to run by - A'ryn - 24.May.20

741.04.21

I’m done. There’s no possible way to continue on the traces. I can’t believe they decided my future before I was even there to talk to about it. It is MY life, after all…I can’t marry that holder…I don’t even remember his name. No, I can’t. It would take me from Running. It would take me from the traces. It would put me in his Hold and in his bed. I can’t do that. I can’t…I can’t risk another child. My boy was just too painful, and…Oh, shards…I just…I don’t want to lose more. I don’t want any more babies to possibly die. And I don’t want to maybe die…I thought my parents still wanted to wait…did they forget?! Or am I just too odd for them to deal with anymore -Me, a woman, able to outpace over half the men on the traces in a distance race- so it’s worth the risk? But then again, they don’t know about my child, only that I ‘have issues’…Either way, I can’t go back to that. I can’t surrender to that. I can’t resign myself to a fishing hold, so far away from anything I’ve ever known and loved…I have to keep moving. I have to…I have to Run…I have to…just…run…


741.04.22

I am a candidate. That’s that. I am no longer a Runner. No, no I mustn’t cry over that. I can still run, just not as part of the Craft. I wasn’t going any further there, anyway. I’m still surprised I had made Jr. Journeyman. There was no more room for advancement of my sex. That was made abundantly clear. But now…Here I am, sprawled out on a bed in Fort Weyr. I’m to meet the Weyrwoman soon, D’hys says…I guess I was a bit over enthusiastic and may have jumped where I should have stepped, because the female candidates…the *other* female candidates—gotta include myself in there now, that will take some getting used to-had to go through Healer training. I guess I can understand the necessity, but if they’re ALL going through that training, I don’t see it making sense…if there are nothing but Healers, where can a Harper be found if they be needed? Or a Cook? Or a Tailor? Or a...Runner…? I guess I think that everyone has a place to be useful, and everyone’s areas of talent should be used…But then again I am no Weyrwoman…could I ever be? No matter. D’hys said he has an idea of how things might be able to work out, but he has to speak to Rha..Rhae..?…the Weyrwoman first.

I will miss my family—well, some of them. I will miss Alekse. How I wish he'd been there when I slid down off of Edath! Thank the Dawn Sisters that I have Rudi. Alekse is only a note away with him. And Meri, the sweet girl. I’ll miss her, too. She will be a good station manager. She had my bag packed for me within minutes of my declaration of being a candidate, and she had the warmest smile and gives the best hugs. Mother cried, but part of me thinks she is just relieved that I am gone and no longer tainting the station with my singleness or by practicing the craft intended for men. She really didn’t know how to work with me…father was the one who was upset. He turned such a fierce shade of red that his face could have been mistaken for the Red Star of old…If D’hys and R’dal hadn’t been there, I think he might have locked me away. Nah, I would have outpaced him. He’s not much of a sprinter anymore and his endurance wanes quickly now, and even though he won’t admit it, he’s far less sure-footed than his younger turns. No, I’d have gotten away. That poor holder boy was still there, too. I do feel bad for him. He was only looking for a good little wife to come home to after his fishing trips. Perhaps he can find a girl at the next Gather.

I should try to sleep. It’s been a very long day that feels like it’s lasted a lifetime…sleep will be good for me. I know hope I don’t wake to find this was all a dream…


RE: Musings to run by - A'ryn - 02.Nov.20

20.09.741


I’ve met Cazan, one of the goldriders who Impressed at the Hatching I attended earlier this year. She was in the Stands when Malvayth chose her. She’s an interesting woman, very dedicated to her work. It’s a relief to know I’m no the only woman who doesn’t like the idea of being married off without discussion. She’s teaching me some of the basics of leathercrafting, and I hope to use the knowledge to make myself more useful to the Weyr. Right now all I do is study and babysit. I made a harness and pouch for Rudi yesterday. Nothing too fancy, but it was a good starting point for her to show me how to get started. I think I’ll dye it later. Or maybe just oil it, I’m not sure yet. I want to make one for Ali, too. I do miss him, and it would help us to keep in touch easier so message pages don’t get lost between.


13.10.741

The gather was fantastic, for the day I was able to attend, and it was soooo good to see my brother again! The robe he found for me is very nice. Simple, warm. Just what I needed. Faranth above, I’m so glad to have him in my life. I worry for him, though. He’s got himself a girl in Benden Weyr that he seems quite taken with. He’s never been much for commitment that he couldn’t easily back out of, and this seems like an awfully big step for him. He’ll make a good Master, I know, but I hope it’s what he wants and that this girl is good for him. I do have to laugh a bit, though…of course he would find a Weyr girl. Mother and Father must HATE that idea. With me gone, he was their last hope to marry favorably, and shards, has he ruined that idea! Well, one of their three children marrying well isn’t a complete failure, and there’s still hope for Meri, too.

There’s a clutch at Telgar that is supposed to hatch in a couple of weeks…I’m told I can Stand there if I choose, but I don’t know that I want to do so. If I Impress there, I would have to stay there until weyrling graduation which takes about a year. I suppose it wouldn’t be terrible…



02.11.741

I didn’t end up going to Telgar. I’d like to stay in Fort if I can. I like this area and I know it well. Plus, R’dal, R’dare, and Cazan are all here. I know I need to be better about making friends…and a new Weyr would definitely force that. Maybe Benden, if there’s a clutch there, soon. Then I would at least be closer to Ali. But for now Fort is fine. Malvayth Flew earlier than expected and should be clutching within the year. I plan to Stand for her clutch. She is a darling thing, and Rudi has become quite fond of her. If he’s not with me he’s usually flitting around the queen, which as long as he’s keeping out of trouble, I have no problem with. Though, there was that time with the dye…there was a big to-do about Mal getting into trouble a little while back and while I don’t think Rudi was directly involved, thank the Egg, he did come back to my bunk that night with some odd staining…hm. No matter, now.


RE: Musings to run by - A'ryn - 13.Feb.21

11.29.741

Life just keeps getting more and more interesting, it seems. Cazan, I’m fairly certain, is pregnant. It’s a bittersweet realization, seeing her in what I firmly believe are the first few months in her journey. Not even sure she knows yet...it’s not my place to tell her, though, so I’m keeping my suspicions to myself. She was quite fond of the crackers and mint tea...I should try and propagate a mint plant. If my theory is right, my stash will be depleted quickly and it’s too cold for it to grow wild. A pot in the candidates’ barracks might be just the place though.



17.12.741

Received a letter from Alekse, finally! The last letter I got from him, barely more than a note, was that he’d arrived at 42 and would be headed up to the Weyr. To be fair though, with this girl up there that he’s after, I can’t blame him for his mind being otherwise occupied.

Master Venan is having him tend to a little unnumbered station between the Weyr and 42, so that he can learn, I’m assuming, without having much to screw up when he does, inevitably, screw up. Ha. Well, it’s all part of the learning process and I wish him the best with it. He’ll make a great station master someday, I know. He’s certainly got the determination for it. I’m still surprised he actually made that Run...for a girl. I hope she’s worth it. I also hope he remembers to take care of himself from time to time. With his single-mindedness, I worry he’ll lose his way, and not just on the traces.



26.12.741

Oh, sweet Faranth flying above. R’dal. F’drel. Me. No. I...I don’t even know where to begin...how? Why? I can’t even look at either of them without any one of us turning four different shades of red simultaneously. Nothing of the sort has ever happened! R’dal doesn’t even like women! That stupid note even pointed it out!

I’ll admit that I can’t say the thought (of ONE of them. Not a group...thing) hasn’t crossed my mind, but it’s nothing I’ve ever spoken of out loud...I just...oof.

I’m glad of my time with Cazan (who has confirmed my suspicions of earlier), as the work allows me to keep my distance from those two. As much as I enjoy their company, I don’t think any of us are comfortable with each other at the moment. Best wait for this whole mess to die down. ~I know, I know, Rudi, you’ll be my cuddle buddy for now. Thank you for that.



01.09.742

Touching dragon eggs, warm and hardening on the sands, really is an otherworldly experience. So many new lives, just waiting to be born...

The eggs I touched gave me some interesting thoughts, to be sure. One tried prodding me toward D’hys, of all people. I questioned at first, how the little creature would even know who he was, but they draw from memories and experiences, and as he was pretty key in myself being allowed here, I guess it makes sense.

The others, were kind, confident, and approving. They appreciated me, and all I had been through, including my son. Life begins and ends, and being out there on the sands has allowed me, really, to reflect on that. If I ever hope to Impress, I need to look forward. Just like Running. If I look to things behind, I’ll never have a grasp of my future. I can learn and appreciate the twists and turns and stumbles along the way, but I’ll never fly if I focus too much on past falls. I need to let go. I’ve grown so used to hiding in that part of myself, I need to make a conscious effort to move past it. It’ll be hard, I have no doubt, but I’ll do it. I’ll do it for my dragon, so I can be ready whenever he or she hatches for me.



01.19.742

For Faranth’s sake, what is wrong with me? Why can I not stay away from this guy? Little things keep reminding me of him...that egg at the touching, then the blue I was sure was headed toward me...I thought it was guilt at not taking the time to thank him, and when I tried to fix that, I nearly end up in his bed?!

I can’t let that happen. Not now. Not...ever? I don’t know...it’s not been something I’ve been interested in for a very long time, but damn if he doesn’t make the idea appealing. No. I need to focus. I’ve got other things I need to think about. Eggs on the sands. Impressing. Not some damned blue rider.



01.23.742

So I agreed to teach D’nei to dance. He’s nice. And hold-bred. Funny how the personalities and of Weyr versus hold folk split and run together if different ways. He fits right in here at Fort, and his Casnovath is charming, if a bit quiet, but he is more reserved than most Weyrfolk. I like him. I hope we can become friends.



02.06.742

The past few days have been a whirlwind. I was part of the first group allowed in for the Touching of Malvayth’s clutch. Thirteen eggs! Well…twelve now. Sadly, there was some sort of conflict, that devolved into a fight, and one boy tried to help…and an egg ended up crushed. Killed. I touched that egg, I’m pretty sure. I think I heard somewhere that the hatchling within was a green. She was nice.

I felt so awful, and it brought up all of the old memories of my son…what would I have named him…am I allowed to name him? He wasn’t old enough to survive outside of his ‘shell’, either. Mal was so distraught, she flew into a rage, knocking people aside with claws and tail. Her keening was something I felt, deep inside. I know that pain. Granted, my child wasn’t killed by someone, no. It was just my own body betraying me. But the loss of a child is something no mother should ever have to feel, and if she does have to experience it, she should at least have the comfort of someone who knows the pain. There’s some comfort in solidarity, I find.

So, I tried to talk to her. She was terrifying, that day on the sands. But she was hurt, and shouldn’t be judged based on that one incident that I’m sure any mother would repeat. I hope I didn’t overstep myself…I don’t believe I made things worse, at least, but I’m not sure I made it any better. I hope she and Cazan understood what I was trying to do. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea…I hope I didn’t ruin my chances of Impression. And I…I hope my dragon wasn’t killed at the touching.

I want to believe, if life worked the way it should, that my son and maybe that dragon were meant to be together. And since the timing wouldn’t have been right for Impression, the universe made it work the only way it could. Maybe, in another life, my son would be a dragonrider to a little green.

~Now, I need to stop crying. It’s too cold for that, my eyelashes are freezing. *sniff* What else did I do lately, Rudi?

Oh! I met one of the other candidates. Several, sort-of. During the touching-gone-wrong, I tackled another redhead out of the way of Mal’s whip of a tail. Elloren. A redhead from Benden. Tall, gorgeous, young. She seems quiet, but pleasant enough. Not usually Alekse’s type, but she is a stunner, and he is a Lover of All Things Beautiful, after all. I can see him falling over himself to get her to look at him, for sure.

At first, for a fleeting moment, I thought it was the other Benden girl here, Zahrah. She’s a kind sort. A soft strength to her that isn’t easily noticed at first, but it’s definitely there. Petite, blonde, and her unusual features give her a different type of beauty. But she’s married with a daughter of ten turns. She had me for a moment, though, because her daughter apparently wants to be a Runner if she doesn’t Impress. Can’t fault the kid for wanting to go after a craft.

But Elloren…I’ll have to watch her. Make sure she’s good enough for him. Don’t know what I can do if not, but….



02.14.742

What are you thinking about? I know you’re thinking about something. Stop it. I want to know what you’re thinking about, but I’m getting sleepy…you’re keeping me awake.

“Shh…little luv. I’m mostly thinking about you. And everything that led me to you.”

What do you mean? I found you, remember?

“Not exactly what I meant. I’ll explain in the morning. For now, rest. For us all.”


RE: Musings to run by - A'ryn - 20.Mar.21

02.21.742

Jenath is growing so quickly! I’m still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that I am now a dragonrider…It’s interesting, the bond…the presence in my mind. Strange and unsettling, but also comforting. I know so much awaits us both as we grow and learn together.

I wonder…I wonder if I’ll ever go back to my old station…If I’ll ever see my parents again. I could…I could easily run there and back within a day. Of course, I wouldn’t leave dear Jenath right now, now while she still needs so much tending. Perhaps…perhaps in a few months, when she’s slowed her growing. Perhaps, when Jenath is big enough, we will simply fly down there. I’d very much like to show her off…but they won’t appreciate her. They’ll only see her as the creature that took away a potential breeding Runner. That’s all they saw me as, after all. Hm. Perhaps Meri will be glad to see me. Ha, perhaps I’ll whisk her off to the Weyr, as well! No, I won’t do that. She’s happy on the traces and in the station. I think she’d taken a liking to that boy from 287, too.

Well, no matter. Not yet. I’ve got plenty of time to decide if I’ll ever stop by and visit. For now, bathe, oil, and feed. Repeat. Sleep when and where I can.



15.03.742

It’s already been a month, and I can hardly believe it’s gone by so quickly! The hatchlings are all beginning to settle at night now, which my tired self cannot begin to express enough appreciation for. Jenath has taken well to settling into her wallow after her last meal for the day, and it gives me a small measure of time to myself. I managed to get hold of a book on some basics of Healing, just one from the small library in the lower caverns, and I’ve been trying to read it in those few moments I get to myself after Jenath falls asleep. I figure I might as well try and get a jump on those studies so I have some knowledge to build on later.

I saw D’nei today, too! He really is a pleasant sort. I hope all is well with his new blue companion…I hope he’s able to talk to L’gan soon…



17.03.742

Well, that was not what I’d expected. I wasn’t expecting praise, by any means, but certainly didn’t expect scolding.

I’ll have to try and chat with the Weyrwoman, or maybe the junior weyrwoman?— whoever might know for sure at some point…the minutiae of the deal that was made regarding my being able to Stand, and Impress, always were a bit fuzzy. D’hys hadn’t exactly said…damn, his shoes! I need to get those finished… But really… I’d been told I'd be allowed on the sands if I promised to go through Healer Hall training after Impressing. Which I’d agreed to. And when I try to get a jump on studies during Jenath’s naps, I get scolded for it?

The weyrlingmaster told me that I wasn’t to be a healer, that it wasn’t necessary, and not to neglect my dragon (neglect Jenath? No! I could never!) and my studies by wasting time on the Healer books. Apparently, the stipulation of learning the Craft was only if I had Impressed gold, which either I hadn’t caught or just hadn’t been explicitly specified. Golds don’t chew firestone, and don’t fight Thread, and so it is their riders that are required to learn Healing, so ‘they won’t be useless’ during Threadfall. Jenath being green, the two of us will be airborne, flaming the stuff from the skies, and rather than caring for the injured myself, I might end up being cared for by one of those gold riders instead.

I suppose it does make sense, now that I think about it.

But it is still annoying being so scolded for such a silly thing as wanting to study, particularly when I thought it was going to be required of me, anyway.

Well.

I still don’t think it’s entirely fair that, after such a stipulation and deal was made that now I get to just…walk away. Or rather, fly away… And Zahrah is plenty good company, perhaps, as she’ll be required to learn the craft, I might be able to work with her and still study for the Craft after graduation. I did promise, after all, and I don’t like backing out of a promise, even if it’s alright to do so.

For now, though…sleep. I plan to be running in the morning! It may be just around the bowl for now, but all the same…I have time to run again! And we’re encouraged to do so, too, so it’s not something I should get into trouble over, unlike studying…hm. Well, off to sleep then.